July 7, 2015 by Stephanie

A Generous Heart

When I created my 35 before 35 adventure list, I thought it would be good to pick things that would challenge me to not only to explore other things in this world but things that would challenge my inner being as well.

I wanted to stretch my own limits and push myself to really live fully. When it came down to it, I just thought it would be fun and light-hearted.

One of my undertakings was to pay for someone behind me in the drive through. This seemed like a simple task when I put it on my list. One that would not really challenge me much but would be a good effort to put out some love and kindness into the world.

Needless to say, this is a small task that ended up having a huge impact on my heart.

But not in the way that you may think.

See, it was honestly a huge struggle for me to pay for someone’s meal. Like a ridiculous struggle.

First, McDonald’s is my weakness friends. Anytime I go out for errands at lunch, I pull through to grab myself a frappe or smoothie with a side of fries (ok and maybe a McChicken). So even though I was going there at least once a week, I would forget about this challenge of mine until I was already down the street munching on those fries.

About a month ago, I was finally remembering that I should check this off my list! What a great opportunity now that I am remembering to actually do it before I pay.

However, there were several times I remembered, but when I pulled up to that window, the words would not come out of my mouth to do it.

There were a few things happening.

1. I sized up the vehicle behind me. “Oh it’s a van-They probably have a large order because of ALL the kids that must be in there. I can’t shell out a lot of money. We are trying to buy a house.”

2. I sized up the vehicle behind me. “Oh it’s a [insert expensive car]-They don’t need my measly money. They have ALL the money already.”

3. I chickened out.

I was making a lot of judgments in the three minutes I was in the drive-through. I was talking myself out with reasons why this person wasn’t deserving of my kindness or how I just couldn’t manage to fork over 10 more dollars because our finances are tight with our impending move. I am very strict/stingy with our money. I know where every penny goes, and I am not good with spontaneous spending, even if it is a good cause. We make a lot of donations else where, so why did I make this challenge for myself? Honestly I was just thinking too much about it. I just needed to DO it.

I started thinking though, “No one would know if I didn’t do it.”

But I would know.

God would know.

I started feeling really guilty for my thoughts and lack of action. Here I am talking day in and day out about not making quick judgments of people and trying to be a good light for others, and I can’t even anonymously buy someone else a meal (and let’s be real-a cheap meal).

I am embarrassed how many times I went through the drive-through over the last month contemplating this task.

Then one day, I was going through the longest line ever, and I started saying to myself, “Self, you gotta make this happen today. Put your money where your mouth is.” Literally.

As I was driving through that double drive-through, even then I was still sizing up the cars around me saying if it was this car I would, or this car I wouldn’t. Then low and behold, the car behind me ended up being this rough looking man who was in his mid twenties and revving his engine up telling everyone in front of him to hurry up. He was tapping on his car in angst and just looked as pissed as all get out. In my head, I first thought, no way am I giving it to this guy. He would not be grateful at all. He doesn’t deserve my money because of his rude demeanor.

Then it hit me like bricks. It is not my place to decide who is deserving and who isn’t. I should show kindness to all that I meet.

Also I am not doing this for praise. He will have no idea who I am.

As I pulled up to that window, I was shaking and nervous. Then I became more nervous because why was I freaking out about paying for this guy’s meal. Seriously just calm down. Why is being generous so hard?!?

I thought about my grandparents and parents who make giving all of themselves look so easy and effortless. Why am I struggling with handing over a few extra dollars?

And then it was over. I payed for his meal, and we both went about our day.

I have no clue how it impacted him; I didn’t even watch him in my mirror when he pulled up to the pay window to see his reaction. But it really changed my outlook and how I serve other people.

Generosity is rarely about money.

It made me think about how often we do things for others.

It made me think about how we need to get our mind off ourselves.

It made me think that love always comes at a cost, but that it is what makes this world go round.

image via

It made me think what if God was as stingy as I was being or judged me on one of my worst days? What if he just gave me just enough to get buy? What if He hoarded His blessings because He was making sure He had enough for everything else going on in His world?

²¹The wicked borrow and do not repay,
but the righteous give generously;
²²those the Lord blesses will inherit the land,
but those he curses will be destroyed.

²³The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
²⁴though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.

²⁵I was young and now I am old,
    yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
    or their children begging bread.
²⁶They are always generous and lend freely;
    their children will be a blessing.

Psalm 37:27-26

It made me think I not only need to be open-minded, but open-handed. I don’t think this was a lesson that God was saying I need to give out all my money, but He was showing me that I need to have a more generous heart. I need to let me stinginess down a bit and step out of my comfort zone.

We often are content in staying uninvolved with people around us, strangers and friends alike. As long as our own lives are comfortable we don’t want to mess with the water. We make excuses of why we should stay in our own bubble.

I am right there in the struggle. I don’t like shaking things up, and I like my peace and knowing where things are going. Again spontaneity is not my friend. But I pray that God continues to work on my heart to be more Christ-like, especially in this day and age of constant judgment, apathy and uninvolvement.

It makes me think of the Good Samaritan parable in Luke. Many individuals passed up opportunities to show kindness because of the burden or mess that it would cause for themselves. We would like to think that we would be the Samaritan, but which would you be when it really comes down to it? Imagine what would happen to our world if we started even doing one small acts a day. Simple acts can have huge impacts, and I think we often forget that. It was definitely something that I needed a reminder of in my own day to day.

We are always looking at big ticket things that can change the world and the hearts around us, but it is often in these small gestures that cause that warm feeling in your gut. This kindness can have a ripple effect. And it is a reminder that giving doesn’t always have to monetary. We should give our time and be there for people as well.

image via

Even though I wasn’t the intended target of change for this, it ended up changing my mentality and reset my outlook completely. I have some work I need to do.

We all have trials and ways that we stumble trying to live out God’s plan. It is comforting to know that even though I am not perfect, God will not let me fall and is using me as His instrument. God gave me what I have, so I should be willing to share my good graces in return. He will always provide a manner for us to be giving people. The more you give the more you live.

Each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.

2 Corinthians 9:7

Have you struggled with giving? What are small gestures you make to spread kindness?

June 30, 2015 by Stephanie

My Favorite Childhood Vacation

This time of year always makes me think of vacations. Outside of the one night stay on my birthday, it has been a few years since we have been on a true vacation without there being another reason for travel like a wedding.

Since Tom cannot request time off right now, it has been hard to plan a vacation this summer.

So instead I will just reminisce about my favorite childhood vacation.

It wasn’t anywhere luxurious. We stayed in state. But boy do I love Missouri.

And most of the time we had to walk across the park for running water.

My favorite childhood vacation was definitely camping.

I looked forward to these excursions every summer, even though it looks like we hate our lives there….

My dad would take my brother and I to a lake near Branson, and we would camp for a few days. We had the tent and the cooler set with all our necessities, and we were pulling our boat in tow. Then my step-mom would join us for the second part of the vacation which meant we moved to a hotel. So it was awesome and dirty for a few days then it turned luxurious with a pool and a plate of giant nachos from the hotel restaurant. We also did much more touristy things like mini-golf or one of the many shows in Branson once we were at the hotel part of the vacation.

But camping, was just us and nature. Even as a kid, I knew there was something special about being outside like that.

What I loved about camping was the simplicity of it. We got to explore and rough it. We even looked forward to helping with the cooking because it generally meant lots of hotdogs.

It also meant lots of soda (Shasta) because we never really had any at home. In fact, we had a lot of food that we didn’t normally have, again read hotdogs.

We would play and sing lots of Beach Boys and Jimmy Buffett, and I would read because Anne of Green Gables was probably calling. My brother would try to fish, and I would hardly ever get out of my swimsuit because where there is water I must swim. (And I would have a bathing suit with the alphabet on it. A genuine nerd since 1985 folks…) We would talk about the stars and attempt to catch all the lightning bugs. We would dig for clams and skip rocks for days.

We learned a lot on those trips, and we made a lot of memories that I look back on fondly.

Tom and I want to continue this tradition with our family, and we had full intentions on doing so for our anniversary but the rain has been so unpredictable that we didn’t want to bank on it. Also maybe when his schedule is a little more free as well. We also may have been a little ambitious attempting to take a 10 month old camping this year. Hopefully next year we can go on our first official camping trip as a family.

What was your favorite childhood vacation?

June 23, 2015 by Stephanie

To My Mom

Today is my wonderful mother’s birthday.

Y’all, seriously hands down, this is the most amazing woman.

I can’t even begin to explain what she has meant to me over the years.

She is a woman who has always been there, for the good days and bad. She has made us laugh with made up songs, kissed away booboos, and spent Saturday nights making mac and cheese with chicken nuggets so we could watch Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman as a family. (Mac and cheese is still my go to comfort food to this day.)

I remember summer nights riding our bikes in the Kauffman stadium parking lot. I remember going to the zoo to see our favorites: the tigers and elephants. I remember the time spent in the kitchen making cranberry salad and banana bread. I remember the picnics. I remember the Friday afternoon taco runs before we picked up my brother from school.

Now that I am a mom, I am starting to realize what she went through with us. I strive to live up to the standards that she has shown us as a parent.

She is a Godly woman to so many people. She was always “adopting” other kids as we grew up. Our house was always full and always fun. I don’t think she even knows the lives that she has impacted over the years.

You see my mom has been working in the preschool setting (in many capacities) for over 30 years. She directed hundreds of church programs over the years, which are some of my favorite summer memories growing up. She has taught probably thousands of young kids how to write and recognize their colors. I remember spending many nights and weekends in her classroom trying to set things up for her kids or paint the elaborate backdrops for the musicals. (Let’s be real, my brother and I usually watched Lion King or begged her to get out the tumbling mats…) But more importantly she has made every kid who has walked into her classroom feel special and loved.

She is humble, generous, and is more likely to stay in the background so others can shine. But little does she know that her support has meant the world to so many. She has always lived a fairly simple life so she can provide for not just my brother and I, but to so many other kids and families who have come through her life. She always showed us what it meant to be a servant of the Lord and serve others fully.

I only hope that I can be half the mom and woman that she is.

And it is so fun to watch her in her newest role as Gammy to Addison and George.

I feel like I am just rambling because it is hard to put it fully into words what she has meant to me as a mom and a person of guidance in my life.

So simply put…

I love you Mom! You deserve the best on your birthday!

June 18, 2015 by Stephanie

4 Years

How has it been 4 years since the day we said “I do?”

Well really we never said I do. We high-fived it.

Fact.

Year four was a rough one for us, not going to lie.

We experienced the highest of highs (George), and the lowest of lows (just stuff).

After celebrating our last anniversary, we found out that Tom was not going to be deployed. This was a huge turning point in our life. It meant that we could close this military chapter of our life. It meant that Tom could be there for George’s birth and first few months of life. It meant that we didn’t have to go through all the deployment emotions as a family again.

I was job searching, and continued to receive some devastating no’s during the end of my pregnancy. Honestly, there is one no that I still have issues with and to this day still haven’t completely processed. It was soul crushing to say the least, never mind the fact that I was also an 8-month pregnant woman-holy hormones.

It was no wonder my blood pressure was out of control and my doctor ended up putting me on bed-rest, meaning that I had to quit my part-time job a few weeks before I had planned.

Then George decided to make his appearance early. This is a day that was scary and wonderful all at the same time. The days that followed were terrifying as we watched him hooked up to monitors in the NICU, and also Tom and I were coming to terms with that we were actually parents.

But seeing this beautiful face, makes every low point of this year seem like it was nothing. We love him so much.

He is the reason for everything now. You can’t understand what your heart is capable of and how much it can grow until you have a child. It is amazing. I feel honored that God has chosen us to be the guiding lights for this little man.

A couple weeks after George was born, a friend of mine let me know that a job was available that sounded perfect for me. I had put the job hunt on hiatus since that paralyzing no so I could focus on little man and to get my head right. However this job was just too perfect not to apply for. So it pushed me back full swing into the job search. I interviewed for several jobs through Skype and phone during September and October.

And low and behold, I finally got a yes (to that initial job my friend suggested). Everything had timed out perfectly. (You are good God. Why I doubted your plan, when you have it so perfectly made for me.)

Waiting for this job offer allowed me to stay with the doctors I loved to deliver George. It allowed me to stay at home with George for 2 months. It allowed me to stay with Tom a little longer while he started his out-processing in the Army.

September and October was also a very exciting time since our beloved Royals were making their way into the World Series, which was the first time since the year Tom and I were born in 1985. You can just search my blog for Royals baseball, and you can read for days about my infatuation for this team. We stayed up many nights to watch all the extra innings during Blue October!

In the beginning of November, George and I moved to Missouri, permanently. Tom stayed behind hoping he would be approved for an early out, otherwise he would still be in KY until June due to his military orders.

I started my dream job and juggled the demands of being a working mom.

Tom accepted a police officer job after about 6 months of interviewing with this one department. This also helped seal the deal on the Army letting him out early.

Before Christmas, Tom and the dogs finally joined us in Missouri. The place we have always wanted to be.

The place we were going to make roots and raise our children.

The place we were going to make the life we had always dreamed of.

But the sunshine and roses didn’t last very long.

December through March were some pretty dark days for us. Some of the darkest of our entire 8 year relationship.

Tom had started the police academy, which meant a lot of time away from the family. His focus was very much on succeeding there as it should be. But it meant George and I were alone a lot more than I imagined.

I was feeling a lot of anxiety and guilt from our breastfeeding experience and was also becoming resentful for Tom’s time away. Thinking back, I think I may have had some post-partum depression but wasn’t really willing to admit it, so of course I took it out on Tom. I am not proud of that, but it happened.

We had some other life things happen that definitely impacted our emotions. One of those being my grandma’s passing.

We were having a really hard time figuring out this newness of our relationship with both of us having new jobs and balancing being new parents. These new demands and expectations put us on the struggle bus to say the least. I have heard a lot of new parents say the baby’s first year is the hardest on a marriage, and boy was that true for us.

But then around May things started to turn around.

Tom was finally on the road as a commissioned police officer. I am finally finding a groove with my job, and I feel valued and appreciated as a professional.

And George started sleeping through the night. (This makes a world of difference friends.)

We were finally communicating better with our needs and recognizing where each other needed more support as parents and spouses. We were clicking again. It didn’t hurt that we also took a night away and stayed in a B & B. This time we had to focus on each other was something we really needed. It was also the first night that both of us were away from George.

May was also when we got really serious about finding a permanent house to pay a mortgage on. We were done with rental property, and we were committed to entering the next phase of becoming home owners.

All of that leads us to where we are now.

Today.

Celebrating 4 years of hard work and dedication to each other.

Celebrating the love between two people.

What this year has taught me is that everything in life will not be perfect, and that is ok. There are going to be some hard times; some times that you think you want to just throw in the towel because that seems easier. It was a year we definitely had to live up to our vows. But with some perseverance and a lot of prayers, God will show you the way. Life is never going to look the way you had imagined-and that is some good and bad. You need to take one step at a time and own up to your insecurities and flaws, especially with your spouse. We had our fair share of fights, and we both had to learn when to give in. This can be a hard lesson. (One that I have to relearn quite often) You often hear that marriage is about team work and compromise, but sometimes there is the reality that one has to give more than the other. As very independently stubborn adults, you can imagine this can sometimes cause some friction of the heart. We need to not let our pride get in the way of our marriage. Even after 8 years, it can still be hard to be vulnerable and bare with another person. There were also moments of great strength shown throughout this year. I would not have been able to pick myself up after being uttlerly crushed during that job search and keep on going if Tom had not been cheering me on or lifting me back up. We will always need each other. Even in the darkest moments, I knew that this season would pass eventually because that is the way of things. It was just something we had to get through to get to better moments.

This sounds like a very downer post about our marriage, but I think it is important for people to know that a marriage can struggle. People can struggle. That doesn’t mean that it is the end, and you CAN get past it. I think we often put this facade out there that everything has to be perfect, and honestly that was part of our issue this year (ok maybe my issue). We had to accept some of our realities and just muddle through it. We made some mistakes, but we always came back to we loved each other and that this marriage was important for us. I wish more people would be honest when they are struggling because it can be very lonely to feel that no one may understand. Things aren’t always perfect, but that doesn’t mean that there still isn’t beauty there to find. There were times that I didn’t want to admit what was happening because I was embarrassed and felt like I failed as a wife or I didn’t know if people would understand, but I also didn’t want sympathy or those looks (that I would assume are judgement on my “said” failure). Because this imperfection is something I really struggle with, I am working on being more open about these moments where my life doesn’t look like a fairy tale.

This is now part of us, and I believe that it has made us stronger in the end.

I want to document that this year was hard, uncomfortable, and difficult for us, so we can look back and be proud of what we came out of. And it is a little cathartic to admit that we had a rough patch and gives you a reason to just let it go instead of trying to hold on to it like a secret.

Tom and I have been together for 8 years, and there is still stuff that we are learning about each other. And nothing is bigger than learning how to be parents together.

In the end, there is the love that I have always had for Tom. (and lots of sideways glances)

This year both of us turned 30. We have the jobs that we have always dreamed of finally. We have the baby we never imagined we could have. Things haven’t always been perfect, but I couldn’t imagine doing life with anyone else.

Tom-thank you for showing me more every day. Thank you for putting up with all my emotions and silliness. Thank you for choosing to be my partner. Thank you for all that you do for our family. Thank you for loving me the way that you do.

High five to us for making it through year four and bring it year five!

If you want to read more about our love story, there are links documenting each step here.

June 9, 2015 by Stephanie

Update on 35 before 35 List

1. Crochet something else besides blankets or scarves at least once a year (~~2013~~, ~~2014~~, ~~2015~~, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020)

2. Do a photography challenge

I am so happy that I have kept up with this challenge. I definitely look through George’s glamor shots at least once a week.

3. ~~Visit 5 cities I have never been to before~~ (7/5)

4. ~~Tour at least one a winery, brewery, or distillery~~

5. Send at least 5 snail mail a month

6. ~~Become a “professional” photographer~~

7. Run at least 10 races (any distance) (3/10)

I did the Go Girl! 5K.

8. Go camping with Tom

9. Pay for the car behind me in a drive through

10. See Tyrone Wells live as many times as possible

11. ~~Tour Fort Defiance here in Clarksville~~

12. Water ski with my dad

13. Do a 5K with my mom

14. Take a swing dance class with Tom

15. Read at least one fun book a month and one professional development book every three months

With my schedule, it can be really hard to read a lot. I have a hard time reading without falling asleep, and not because it is boring. #momprobs My friend Ellen shared that her goal is to just read every day. That can be one page or one whole book. I really loved this idea, so that is my new goal. I just want to crack open a book and read for fun every day. I am trying to find little ways to incorporate little spurts of reading throughout my day.

16. Take a pottery or stained glass class

17. Do one new recipe each month

We tried this Shrimp Alfredo Pasta Bake. It was not our favorite. It was super spicy and the cheese came out clumpy. I apparently cannot perfect the alfredo consistency after one try. It does make a lot, but it is not good reheated.

18. See both a Clemson and UCM football game live

19. ~~Find a place to volunteer on a regular basis~~

20. Go hiking

21. Ride in a hot air balloon

22. ~~Go to at least 20 “new to me” restaurants.~~ (23/20)

23. ~~Stay at a bed and breakfast~~

24. Spend a day without electronics (phone, t.v. and computer)

25. Do something unique and new for my birthdays

26. ~~Explore Nashville while we live here~~

27. Watch at least 10 movies that I have not seen before that won Best Picture at the Oscars and at least 20 documentaries (not necessarily Oscar winning) Movies (2/10); Documentaries (7/20)

28. Sew an item of clothing from scratch

29. Do a personal devotional/bible study on my own

30. Be a mascot for an event

31. Go on our honeymoon (preferably somewhere tropical)

32. Host an annual NCAA Basketball Tournament Championship game party

33. Go on a mission trip

34. Be on a recreation volleyball team

My plans didn’t work out as I had hoped. I am going to have to start over on my search for a volleyball team.

35. ~~Become a mom~~

I had a big mom moment last night. George started officially crawling. It was sooo exciting! He has been trying so hard for the past month, but last night was the first time he got everything going. Instagram refused to upload the video so I had to resort to other measures of documenting. Also I am not sorry that I fill my feed with George.