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In Pursuit

Anyone who is close to us knows that this last year has been lots of ugly words. Tom’s health has been a rollercoaster. He stood up to a corrupt city and lost his dream job because of it. Now we are in a lawsuit with the city we live in which comes with so many twists and turns and loneliness. My job has been constantly changing over the last year, and we have had to withstand many hard decisions as higher ed is in a turbulent time. Needless to say we are tired and it could be easy to lose faith in it all.

But as the year turned over to 2024, I was determined to take back my faith. I wanted to really lean in, and I will admit for mostly selfish reasons. I was lost and sad and felt like there was no good around us. It was a dark place for us. So I started trying to listen more to God and trying not to get ahead of his plans and try to reason with all the heartache that seemed to just fester and multiply around us. I thought what was the worst that was going to happen if I just let go of the controls and really trusted God, but that meant I needed to pursue him more.

I believe that your testimony is ongoing. At least it has been for me. I have had moments in my life where I have gone up and around my relationship with God. I have had periods in my life were I didn’t feel like I needed to depend on him as much, sometimes because things were going great, and other times because my timing didn’t seem to align with His and I thought I was just seeing disappointment so what was the point if I didn’t seem taken care of.

But this year after experiencing our trials, again maybe for selfish reasons, I thought what have I got to lose getting to know my God more fully and deeply. So this year, I am determined to pursue that relationship more.

I had a desire to become more grounded in my faith and be able to truly let go of what I thought my path was. Healthy souls will be unhealthy if left unattended, and here I was with a unhealthy soul already. I knew I needed to change my routine and immerse myself in the Word differently. We go to church and I listened to a Christian podcast as I got ready every, but what I was doing outside of that in action was so inconsistent. People were just talking at me about faith. I wasn’t really bringing other things to the table to learn and get involved with it. I didn’t pray daily, my bible had a layer of dust on it, and my bible app would send me into guilt every day with it’s notifications that I would quickly swipe to ignore as I never seemed to have “time” to open it. I had let my relationship with God be more of an acquaintance. I believed in God, but I needed to spend time getting to KNOW God.

So to start off the year, I did the Forty Forty challenge. I needed a way to stay accountable to carving out time each day. I love a good accountability challenge, so this seemed right up my alley to help with my habits changing. This challenge is doing a mile a day for 40 days, but that mile is where you intentionally connect with God by listening to bible verses, devotionals, prayer, or worship music. I did a little of it all. I chose a 40 day devotional in my app. Then I would listen to the Let’s Read the Gospels podcast (highly recommend). And then to round out my mile, I would end on one or two praise worship songs.

The way my mind shifted over those 40 days still gives my goosebumps. I have kept this routine pretty steady after that 40 days ended. My life is still hard, but I found ending my day connecting with God and praising him changed my reactions. I was brought to my knees on more than one occasions because of the perfect timing of a verse that connected with an action earlier in the day. It helped me release tension as I danced in praise. I could feel fear of the unknown just wash away.

Now did it stay away, oh heavens no. My anxiety is still very much present, and there are days/weeks were it gripped me hard. I am human and still lost sight of things often when I felt like I was losing control and thought my path was not going the way I had planned. I cried why me/us or why not me in other situations an embarrassing amount of times. However, what I noticed is that if I would just change the input of the Word in those moments, I would find a different peace. Whereas before I may have looked for answers, I was now finding peace even in the absence of answers. My faith is growing, and what I put myself in contact with, I will catch.

I still want to be in control and know what is up ahead. I don’t think that will ever change due to my personality. But what I have learned over the past few months is that faith can give me some control too. I know that I don’t have to know what is coming, but I do know that God has me.

2024 has been humbling. I know I am still broken and still struggle. However, I have been reminded over these months that brokenness is a requirement for salvation. If you look throughout the Bible, there are so many examples of Jesus reaching out to broken people or God using broken people for big things. God desires to take what is broken and redeem us. He is always pointing us to the cross and the redemption he has given us. Our pastor shared a lot of good nuggets over the past few months that have really encouraged me to write again here. He talked about if you put pottery back together after being broken and hold it up to a light after being restored, light will shine through. Let that sink in. We can be fully broken and our lives torn to pieces, but His redeeming Grace can still let light shine through us and our life on Earth.

So this year has been terrible to us, and there are many days I can’t think of nice things to say. But if you can’t think of anything nice to say, talk about your hope in Christ. So that is what I showed up today doing. I hope that the light is able to shine through my brokenness. I am trying really hard to know and accept my imperfections for His Perfect Plan. If you allow God to walk into our darkest valleys, He will make it holy in ways we can’t make it on our own. And I am learning to trust more in that than to believe in what I think my life should be.

He’s got this.

Walter Turns Three
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Walter Turns Three

When we started planning for our last pregnancy, the reasoning I kept coming back to is “our table didn’t seem full.” I just knew there was something missing from our family being complete.

Enters this little wild spirit.

Three years ago, he took a hold of my heart and filled the last spot at our table.

Wally is the best little balance in our family.

He is so joyful and appreciative of every moment. He fills the room with “this is amazing” and “wow” and just takes his environment in for what it is. Seeing life through his eyes is pretty awesome and a good reminder of how precious everything really is.

He is the smartest three year old you will ever meet. He keeps up in conversation with us and his vocabulary and usage will blow you away. He loves reading and trying to keep up with his siblings all day will do that I guess. He is like a sponge when it comes to new information.

He is our carefree child. He is up for literally anything. He is going to be our adventurer, the one who lives life to the fullest. He does not worry about bodily injury or what he is actually getting himself into, he is just ready to try anything. It is beautiful to watch his confidence and how he is so sure of everything.

Walter is such a little actor and knows how to work a room even at his young age. He has never met a stranger. He will befriend anyone and bring you along for the ride. He is such a bright and bubbly little dude.

It may be him being three and learning his boundaries, but I think he is just a confident person in the making. If he does not want to do something, he will kindly say “No thank you,” and then continue doing what he wants to do. I love that for him and his grown up self that he can stand firm in his boundaries.

One of my greatest joys though is watching Wally with his brother and sister. He ADORES them. He is their biggest fan, and their little shadow. I had doubts about George and Wally sharing a room with a six year difference, but Wally is thriving being a big kid with George. Much to our chagrin sometimes, he wants to be doing everything that our nine year old is doing including climbing to the top bunk every night unsupervised. It is a like a slumber PARTY every night. He is up for any pretend play that Daphne comes up with, and she can soothe him in a way no one else can. I can hardly put into words the emotions I have watching them together.

Wally, you are everything our family needed. You are the greatest little bookend. This year you officially entered the big kid stage. While I am sad that I no longer rock you to sleep, I am so excited to see where you jump to next. Watching you explore is so magical and keeps us moving!

Happy birthday my forever baby guy!

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George Turns Nine

It is so hard to believe that you are nine today sweet boy. You are the child that God knew that my heart needed. You have been unexpected since the moment we found out about you, and you teach me so much about life and love. As a parent, we hope for so much for our children. These are just a few of the wishes we have for you on your ninth birthday.

My wish is that you find your people. You are entering a time of complicated social dynamics, but you are also one who tries to connect with everyone you meet. You love reaching out to people and make them feel seen. However, we know that is not always reciprocated now. We hope that you are able to find people who lift you up and are able to recognize your specialness and not tear you down for it.

As much as we want you to find good friends, we also hope for you to be a kind and loyal friend. You are one of those people that when you find someone you connect with you imprint on them for life. I hope you never lose that dedication and zest for pouring into other people and pumping up your friends. You are so kind to others, and no matter how hard people can be I hope you never lose that ability to see past that and find goodness in others. This is one of your most special qualities.

You are going to a new school this year, and third grade just seems so big. My wish is that you keep an open mind to learning and transition to these new expectations like a champ. You are one of the smartest kids I know, and my wish is that you continue to find the fun in learning and are able to thrive.

My hope is that you can learn from failing. You are wild and go straight into things with unparalleled confidence. The road to success is paved with mistakes well-handled. I hope that you keep trying even when it seems impossible.

As we near double digits, I hope that you still have that child-like wonder and find fun in every day. I think in this world we try to jam so much into our days and forget to slow down to appreciate it. I want you still to be a kid even if the pressures around you are to grow up.  I hope this year is filled will play, laughs, and freedom to explore.

I know we tell you all the time that you have a big responsibility as a big brother to Daphne and Wally. While I do want you to be a role model to them, what I hope most is that you develop a strong bond with your siblings. I hope that you are each other’s biggest cheerleaders and inspire each other as you grow together. My wish is that you know each other’s hearts and share time together.

George most of all I just hope that you just keep being you. My wish for you is that you don’t ever let anyone dampen your light. You have a presence about you that is unmatched. You make us smile every day, and we have loved watching you grow into the person you are.

I am incredibly proud to be your mom. I am so in love with your beautiful heart. Your sweet, curious, and blunt personality has kept us on our toes, and is a constant reminder that God gave me you for all the right reasons. You are my biggest teacher, the one who is up for any adventure, the one who can make me laugh until my belly hurts, and the one who is brave beyond measure. Here’s to year nine and may it be your wildest year yet. Happy birthday buddy!

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Year 12

A dozen years of marriage.

If I think back to the summer of 2007 when we met, I would never have dreamed of the life that we have. It’s funny that our life together started at an amusement park, because it is the perfect metaphor for our life together.

From the moment we got married though in 2011, I knew I was in for ride with many twists, turns, exhilaration, and lots of snacks along the way.

Every year, I take some time to reflect on our marriage and how it has grown and evolved over the past year.

  • Some years I share how hard our communication has been.
  • Some years I give a timeline of growth we experienced that year.
  • Some years I highlight the belief we have in each other.
  • I generally always give thoughts on the milestones of the year.

This year, I wanted to talk through what this year in our marriage has meant to me.

Year 12 was a year of teamwork. This year emphasized why our marriage works. Yes we respect, admire, and love each other. But I think this works mostly because Tom and I are truly partners at this life.

Teamwork in Well-being

Tom has had several health scares this year. In October, he suffered a stroke that actually led us to testicular cancer that we fortunately caught before it could spread to his prostate. The recovery from the surgery was longer than expected due to his autoimmune disease having a reaction to his medication and bedrest. Then in February, un-diagnosed ulcers ruptured in his stomach causing him to be in the hospital for days.

We had the life altering moment of watching Wally have a seizure and still have no understanding fully of why it happened. To feel so helpless as parents wrecked me. To have Tom as a strong hold got me through that first month of worry. He made sure I ate and did everything he could to give me peace to sleep.

It was in these moments where we had to lean on each other physically and emotionally. We crawled into the hole together some days and were mad and sad at the situations happening to us. It was scary as the care taker to watch each other in those moments. But the teamwork meant for me to be even more present in these dark moments for us to stay strong together.

Teamwork in Faith

As we made decisions about our family’s faith journey this year, we knew we had to do this together. Faith in God is a personal commitment, but we needed to be in lockstep about our game plan as we are role models to our children. We have struggled with finding a community that we felt would help us grow but also nourish our family as a whole. We took a leap this spring and made a commitment to a church home this spring, and it is the first time we both felt called to the same church.

Teamwork in the House

We are both fully capable people and can do all the things around the house. But what is the fun in that? We divide and conquer with our natural strengths. For example, I keep our schedule managed as it overflows with commitments, and he can add more garden beds each year with great ambition. I make all the plans, and he is the fixer upper.

It helps knowing that I don’t have to carry the burden of the household completely alone, and he keeps life interesting with all of his house projects and ideas. We rely on each other to make this household run completely without feeling the burden one way or the other.

Teamwork in our Careers

We both have fully earned our spots in our careers. We both have worked hard, dreamed big, and never gave up. But I truly believe that I would not have the same strength to be who I am at work without his support at home. He makes me feel more confident and is my first sounding board when I am struggling. Both of our jobs take a lot of mental effort and time, and it is great to have a partner who is understanding when our brains need to shut off when we get home or that we may be running just a little late here and there.

Having a partner who supports your career aspirations means the world. He is my biggest cheerleader, and he is often the reason I feel brave enough to jump into new situations. I mean if he can believe in me, why can’t I believe in myself? Having someone that supports you this fully makes it seems like we are not having to sacrifice in order to chase these dreams at work.

Teamwork as People

We compliment each other well in our personality and strengths. It is honestly amazing how opposite we are from each other, but it really helps fill in the gaps where we need something in this marriage. We are able to balance each other out, and this helps when we have to solve problems in this roller coaster of life because we can see different angles when approaching different situations. And I would be remiss to say that everything is equal all the time around here. I think 50/50 is a myth in so many ways, but that is for another day. The beauty of this team work is that we can be teeter totters for each other. There is an ebb and flow with our energy and time, and we acknowledge when we need to make shifts for each other. We have gotten so much better about communicating our needs to each other so that we can truly be the best partners to each other.

There is no one I’d rather ride along in this life with then Tom.

From then…

Until now…

Forever my partner you will be.

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Daphne Year Six

How are we here? Today my dearest daughter is six years old.

SIX Years with this sweet Doodlebug.

This year, I wanted to memorialize all the ways our family loves this girl, and then hear from her a few fun six year old thoughts.

I asked everyone what their favorite thing to do with Daphne was:

  • George-I like playing games with her.
  • Wally-I play legos with Sissy.
  • Daddy-On my days off work, I love to pick her up on the days George has run club to go get ice cream and play at the park together.
  • Mommy-I love to go flower shopping with her and picking out our favorite colors.

Here is what everyone said about their favorite trait of Daphne’s:

  • George-Everything she does makes me happy, but I love the faces she makes.
  • Wally-She shares.
  • Daddy-She loves her brothers so much. I never imagined having kids who love their siblings so much.
  • Mommy-I love how she fills others’ cups up. She is so intentional about paying attention to others’ interests and needs and tries to make people feel seen.

Here is how Daphne feels now as the six year old.

  • Who is your favorite person in the world? Mommy
  • What is your favorite color? Magenta
  • What is your favorite T.V. show? My first favorite was Pokemon, then it switched to Abby Hatcher, then back to Pokemon. Now it is Spidey Friends.
  • What do you like to wear? Dresses
  • What is your favorite song? Meghan Trainor, Me Too
  • What is your favorite food? Pancakes
  • Who is your best friend? Harrison
  • What do you want to be when you grow up? A singer, I am good at singing.
  • What is your favorite book? The rhyming books (the phonic readers from Usborne)
  • What is something you are good at? Building Legos
  • Where do you want to go on vacation? Florida, I love it there.
  • What is your favorite memory? Summer School, I will always remember it.
  • Who is your hero? Daddy…my family actually.
  • What is your goal this year? Get better at cartwheels
  • What is your favorite part of school? Choice time with the little shapes.
  • What are you scared of? That things will fall and break on me, and the dark.
  • If you were an animal, what would you be? Allicorn
  • What is something you are thankful for? My family
  • What makes you happy when sad? Music and hugs
  • What is your favorite holiday? Christmas. No one’s birthday is a holiday, except for God and Grandma who have the same birthday.
  • What is the best thing about being a kid? You don’t have to go to work, and the worst is that you have to do what grown ups say.
  • What are you excited about being six? That I am going to be taller.

Daphne is such a sweet young lady. She is so smart and kind. She has rocked kindergarten, loves going to school, and knows how to read well above her grade level. She is so observant. She feels her emotions fully, and she interprets others feelings just as deeply. She likes to warm up to new things, but I am so proud of her bravery for trying new things this year even though she is scared. She is one of those people that just warms your heart by just being in her presence.

She really is amazingly lovely.