These past couple weeks have been super stressful around these parts, so I wanted to infuse some positivity into the world.

Here are just a few things that have me feeling good today.

1. This week I got to be the mascot at work AGAIN! I am going to recap all the joy that this brings me here soon. So. Much. Fun.
2. I got a free burrito from Moe’s. (So much better than Chipotle) You can get one too if you download their app! Use this code Stepha5522 and we both get extra points when you redeem your free burrito.
3. George started kissing for real, no more head bumps as kisses. I never thought I would be one of those moms that kisses their kid on the lips, but it is just too darn cute. He grabs your head and makes the noise and everything when he goes in for it.
4. Tom has been home for dinner every night this week, and it has been super nice after so many things out there right now. His job is very heavy, so it was nice to have a lot of quality family time this week.
5. Tom kept George home with him today for some guy bonding, but it meant that I could sleep in a little since I didn’t have to take George to the sitter. Now my step tracker can stop judging me for at least one day for not meeting my sleep goal.

And then how can you not smile after seeing this.

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What has you feeling good today?

The tension in this country is heartbreaking. It took me time to formulate words instead of speaking purely from emotions-although I would never say that I am completely eloquent. I have gone back and forth for days as to whether I would even say anything after last week. Maybe it is just for me to process my thoughts, but I needed to say something to add to the narrative. So bear with me and my voice.

The first violent act I remember feeling in my gut was Columbine, and I was in 8^th grade. I recall thinking as I watched the news, “How could an individual harbor that much hate?” There were times when I said I hated my brother, but really I was just upset he messed with me. I just could not comprehend hate at that massacre level. I still have this mentality as a grown woman. Honestly though, I have mostly watched these violent atrocities through a screen. I recognize that I have been privileged to not have to witness these evil things in my daily life.

My husband, my partner, my love, however, has seen the world very differently from my gumball view.

Watching Tom go into the Army and into Law Enforcement, I have always known there was a risk. I have acknowledged the danger. I have had times where I go the long way home and sob uncontrollably because I am so fearful there is a car waiting at my door to tell me the worst news possible. I have had moments where I lose my breath as I watch him put on all his gear and try to hide the tears welling up in my eyes. There are nights where I hardly sleep because I wait to hear his footsteps in the kitchen after a night shift before I can relax. I have talked on this very blog several times about those feelings.

But most days I try not to give the danger a fleeting thought. I try to push all the fear deep down because I have to seem normal. It’s not that I dismiss it because I do think about it daily. But I ignore the realities of the job because I don’t want to face those dire possibilities 24/7. I have to press forward so I don’t live in that paralyzing fear.

After last week I have this pit in my stomach though that I don’t think will go away for a very long time or if ever. Before I was able to let it go after a while. But when I hear stories like this, this, and this just days after 5 cops were killed in Dallas, as a police wife I just can’t…

Any one of those could be Tom.

This could be our family.

It was just a week ago that I was rolling my eyes at Tom as he debriefed our family of our “escape” plan as we went downtown for holiday festivities. You see, Tom gets threats of bodily harm several times a day and threats on his life a couple times a week from community members he interacts with. He has also been followed home on more than one occasion. He doesn’t wear his wedding ring at work as precaution for us. The debriefing has been a part of our outings for years. Tom walks me through what I need to do with George in the case of disaster and then says, “I will be home.” Up until now, I didn’t want to admit the severity of what he was saying to me. I thought he was being silly and wondered with lots of eye rolling and long sighs why he couldn’t just relax and enjoy our family time.

But with all the stories of cops getting shot (the number of police officer killed by guns has gone up already 75% in comparison to this time last year) and with law enforcement families being targeted at home, I have to listen to Tom being protective. I didn’t see it before, but now I have to. We all have fears with the situations out there. Tom dying is the one closest to my heart. I am not going to apologize for that.

It is heartbreaking to think that I need to take these plans seriously, or that other families are having conversations on how to stay alive during a traffic stop. These are not normal conversations we should be having.

None of this is ok.

So what do we do as a human race?

Personally, I don’t think there is a simple solution, nor do I think that it falls on solely one person. However it has to start somewhere, and I can only control how I react in this world. I am going to choose to armor myself with love. To love my family, to love my friends, to love those who walk in my office, to just love. The root of change needs to be love. Love is big, and it can ripple. I believe each one of us has a responsibility to each other, and we can’t wait for others to show that love first. We all need to step up in our circles.

I have sat quietly this past week moving through my day thinking and hoping we can just move past this.

But we all can’t be quiet. Hate and discontent will only divide us further. This is so much bigger than picking a side. Unity doesn’t mean that we have to agree. It means that we need to give each other grace and lean in and listen to each other’s perspective. We have to put in the time to show up. We have to create relationships to have understanding.

I see my husband going out there every single day to make this world a better place. He is trying to be one of the ones to make positive change. He sees you. He knows that you matter. That’s why he chose this job to serve and protect. He believes in the community values, and does everything he can to make sure people are safe. He wants you to go home just as much as he wants to get home.

When Tom and I were processing these events, I asked him how he was feeling. He said, “It is just another day that I get to do my job. I am going to keep going out there doing what I promised this community I would do…I am going to be kind to everyone I meet.”

For me, my platform is not so grandiose. I keep my community small (introvert problems). However, I see my greatest charge in all of this is how we raise George. I believe the greatest change I can give to the world is what I teach him. I worry every day about what he knows and how he will learn things. I see the innocence, and want to shield him from the evil as long as I can. I know there is going to come a day when I have to talk with George about bullies and sharing and being kind. I pray every day that God gives me the wisdom to lead him on the right path of compassion and caring for others. I hope that we are able to instill in him a curiosity for understanding others stories even if they are not like his. I hope that we raise him to make conscious decisions and understand that with everything there are consequences. I hope that we are models of being respectful citizens and how to give back to those around you. For me the hope lies within George, and I can see that there is a better future through him.

Easier said than done, but if we all take this approach of reaching out in our circles I believe there is so much hope.

 We all have a chance to better this world. We need to be aware of our actions, our words, and be willing to listen to each other’s stories. What decisions are we going to make today that are going to help us move forward? The change has to happen on an individual level to push a change on a global level. We have to continue to carry the cross.

We need to be the light in this dark world.

See those around you. Make people feel like they matter.

Love is still going.

Another blogger wrote this, and I don’t think it could be said any better. “Jesus give me eyes to see people as you do, give me a heart to love them as you do, give me courage to speak and act boldly as you did and give me wisdom to teach my children the same.”

While we may be broken, we can still have hope. I hope for your family, and I hope for mine. I hope for our world.

Love can heal what hurt divides. Mercy’s waiting on the other side.

Just another month living out my life. Here are some updates on my life list.

1. Crochet something else besides blankets or scarves at least once a year (2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020)

2. Do a photography challenge (Took pictures once a week George’s first year)

3. Visit 5 cities I have never been to before (8/5)

4. Tour at least one a winery, brewery, or distillery

5. Send at least 5 snail mail a month

6. Become a “professional” photographer

7. Run at least 10 races (any distance) (6/10)

• I signed up for two races, one being a 10k.

8. Go camping with Tom

9. Pay for the car behind me in a drive through

10. See Tyrone Wells live as many times as possible

11. Tour Fort Defiance here in Clarksville

12. Water ski with my dad

13. Do a 5K with my mom

14. Take a swing dance class with Tom

15. Read at least one fun book a month and one professional development book every three months

16. Take a pottery or stained glass class

17. Do one new recipe each month

• Chicken Enchilada Casserole-This was really good and really easy. You can’t really beat only using 4 ingredients. 

18. See both a Clemson and UCM football game live

19. Find a place to volunteer on a regular basis

20. Go hiking

21. Ride in a hot air balloon

22. Go to at least 20 “new to me” restaurants. (36/20)

• Mugs Up-This is an old school car-hop hamburger joint. They are only open in the summer. Their chili fries are amazeballs.
• Claysville Store-This is a little home-style cooking cafe that is down the street from our house. Their fried chicken was so delicious. They are only open for 8 hours a week, and it was jam-packed.
• G & D’s Steakhouse-Another great local place!
• Daisy Delights-This is a local old school Dairy Queen. Pretty good.

23. Stay at a bed and breakfast

24. Spend a day without electronics (phone, t.v. and computer)

25. Do something unique and new for my birthdays

26. Explore Nashville while we live here

27. Watch at least 10 movies that I have not seen before that won Best Picture at the Oscars and at least 20 documentaries (not necessarily Oscar winning) Movies (3/10); Documentaries (7/20)

28. Sew an item of clothing from scratch

29. Do a personal devotional/bible study on my own

30. Be a mascot for an event

• Guys! This is happening this week. I almost cried when was asked to do it for work.

31. Go on our honeymoon (preferably somewhere tropical)

32. Host an annual NCAA Basketball Tournament Championship game party

33. Go on a mission trip

34. Be on a recreation volleyball team

35. Become a mom

Somebody needs to figure out how to slow down time. Looking back, I am not really sure where June went. How is it July?

Anyway, before I go into my July goals, let’s see how I did with what I wanted to do in June.

• Fitness-
  • Do BodyPump once a weekend.-Nope. I honestly forgot about this most weekends. I did it one time. 
  • Go through Jessica Smith’s Walk-a-Thon twice. –I did this! I did a lot of them during my lunch hour. These are great little energy boosters. I was able to do them all in my office which is small as far as open space. I even did them in my dress clothes, so they aren’t intense enough to get you gross, but they get your blood moving. They were also good to do when I was cooking and waiting for stuff to simmer or bake. Easy peasy.
    
• House Tasks-we did none of this…June is blur so I honestly don’t know what happened. Oh Well.
  
  • Finish Living Room Wall
  • Fix the flower beds around the trees
  • Get the basement visitor ready
  • Clean the craft room
• Something with George
  • Put up the pool-Done and Done. I think I have used it for my own personal enjoyment more than George though.
  • Get out the bubbles-We got them out a couple of times, but he ends up just putting the stick in his mouth. He does think the bubbles are fun though!
• Something with Tom-Celebrate our anniversary this month with something simple-We were pretty lame for our anniversary to be honest. I was sick that weekend, and it just didn’t seem to be in the cards for us to do anything. We did go out to eat a restaurant we had never been to before so that is something.
• Something for me-Advocate for myself. I know I was vague on this, and I am still not going to give much detail. I did what I needed to do, and I may be able to share with you all soon about the outcome. But maybe not. All that matters is that I put myself out there.

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• Fitness-
  • Do BodyPump once a weekend. If at first you don’t succeed, try again.
  • Start 10K training. I have signed up for another 10K in the fall, so I need to get back on the running bandwagon.
    
• House Tasks-
  
  • Finish Living Room Wall
  • Fix the flower beds around the trees
  • Clean the craft room
• Something with George-Introduce him to sidewalk chalk.
  
• Something with Tom-Seriously we want to go to dinner and a movie. We want to go see Secret Life of Pets and have some Olive Garden. Who wants to babysit?
  
• Something for me–permission to be lazy. This last weekend, I took naps every day. It was glorious. I want to enjoy this month of weekends before the hustle and bustle of the new school year starts. I want to enjoy the summer and not feel pressured to do chores or abide by a routine. (Although with a toddler in tow, routines I know are necessary.) I just want to be in the moment more this month when I am at home, and be more mindful of my self-care than my house-care.