September 4, 2014 by Stephanie

They Put Baby in the Corner

I left off with George coming out of my belly at 5:17 pm.

Our hospital has a rooming in policy, and they are very big on giving the families as much time together. They first will check all his vitals and they have a few tests that the baby has to pass before leaving us with him for an hour.

Because I was on magnesium for about 19 hours, George took on some of the drug too. My side effects were to feel like death, so you can imagine the toll it took on George’s little 5 lb 14 oz body. The mag made him super sleepy and sluggish so he did not pass some of the breathing tests and reflex test.

So I was able to hold George for about 2 minutes before they took him to the nursery to get a closer look at him. Even then, he was swaddled in so many blankets all I got to experience was his bluish gray face, no counting toes or seeing those knobby knees. Tom did not get a chance at all to hold our little man at this point.

Not exactly how we imagined this to go.

I am not sure how much time had passed, I was high as a kite with the mag drip still coursing through my veins. It could not have been very long before the nursery nurse practitioner and attending doctor came to our room to let us know that they took George to the NICU to put him on oxygen.

He was not able to breath on his own. Those last few weeks are time for babies to fully develop their lung and intestines. So in addition to not being able to breath, he was also put on an IV because he could not feed on his own.

He was on the oxygen for 3 days, and the IV for two days.

Feeding George went from the having an IV, feeding him drops of breastmilk from a syringe, breastmilk in a bottle and increasing mL he took with each feeding, to finally testing the breastfeeding waters 5 days after he was born.

While in the NICU, they also did heart scans on him because he had a murmur at first. He had some holes, but they all turned out to be normal holes that all babies have due to being hooked up to an umbilical cord for 9 months. I wasn’t aware that the heart isn’t fully developed at birth, and that murmurs are pretty common in newborns. The second heart scan gave us some positive news that these holes were closing on their own like they should. We do have to do a two month follow up with a heart specialist in Nashville just to make sure he is still progressing.

He also has jaundice and had to be put on photo-therapy until the day before he left. He still has high billy levels so we are taking a few minutes outside each day to hopefully get that down on his own. They also say the more he eats the more he will work it out of his system. We are having to go back in every couple days to get his levels checked to make sure he doesn’t have to go back to the hospital for even more photo-therapy. We are trying to kick the jaundice like a bad habit.

But hey we got to see him rock these shades.

So that was the prognosis of why he was in the NICU.

That was all technical, but there are so many emotions that no one prepares you for when you have a NICU baby.

You always think that it wont happen to you, and that you will get to take home your little one soon after the birth. Yea you hear the stories and read the articles trying to get you to think about the possibilities. However, I think most of us choose to be optimistic and brush the forewarning aside.

Even if you do think about the what ifs, you are never ready for the shock of the news that your baby had to go to intensive care. That reality cannot be explained.

You cannot prepare for the feelings of being helpless as you see him being strapped to monitors and watch him cry as he is poked and prodded.

I was so overwhelmed the first time I saw him 28 hours after he was born. Overwhelmed with worry that something else could go wrong, but happiness that he is alive.

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You never think this is how you will spend time with your newborn.

You are disappointed that you can’t snuggle him close.

You are heartbroken that he has all of these gadgets attached to him.

You are taken over from anxiety that every knock on your door or phone call will be someone telling you even more bad news. So sleep isn’t really happening because each time I closed my eyes I feared the worst.

You are just scared.

I think you would expect those emotions to come but maybe not the depth of them and how paralyzing they can be at times.

The one that I was not expecting was the guilt.

Seeing that it was my blood pressure that caused George’s 3 week early entrance to the world, I felt like it was all my fault. I felt responsible for not being able to carry him full term so his lungs could develop. I hated myself and my body for not passing my first test as a mom. I felt like I had failed him. Why couldn’t I just get my blood pressure down for just a couple more weeks?

Maybe it was the delusional side effects of the mag drip, but I was so distraught that I was to blame that I would cry at the drop of a hat.

When you have a baby in the NICU, you also have to consider balancing your time. While we could go to the NICU any time we wanted minus the 3 hours they were closed due to staff changes, we needed to take time to take care of ourselves. Having a NICU baby is both physically and emotionally demanding. (not to mention having a baby period is physically and emotionally demanding) I would have stayed in there the whole time if I could, but I had family remind me that I needed to eat and sleep-you know basic functions of life. Once we left the hospital and weren’t just down the hall we had to keep in mind the time it takes to get to and from the hospital and how to break up the day to make the most of the drives. But all the while when you don’t go see him you think, “Are we being bad parents because we aren’t at his side every second?” How does he know that we love him if he can’t see us constantly?

Eventually you work through all these emotions, and a lot of it goes away for those moments where you get to hold his hand and you see his improvements each day. You start focusing on the positives and push aside the ugly emotions so you can celebrate the small (yet huge) strides towards being free of the NICU.

Holding George sans tubing for the first time was possible one of the best moments of my life. This happened three days after he was born.

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You realize that while the experience is difficult, it is a blessing to have the NICU staff taking care of your little one. He is getting 24 hour attention and being observed by professionals to encourage his growth. I would love to be the one giving him that attention, but let’s be honest I have no idea what I am doing so it was comforting to be able to chat with medical professionals every day on how to do things. Knowing they were taking ever precaution was comforting that we would have a healthy baby soon. We were able to ask all kinds of questions related to parenthood and how to be the best for George. It was like a gradual and practical introduction to taking care of our baby. It was very reassuring to have that help and guidance. Gotta look at the positives.

I was also able to get a lot of assistance and hands on help with breastfeeding which we would not have had outside of the NICU. Granted, we are still working on that because he still isn’t strong enough to do it for long, but the nurses were so encouraging and gave me some great advice for his particular situation. They made me feel better about issues that we were having, and I feel so much more at ease about the one thing that I was most anxious about prior to giving birth.

Coming home without George was definitely painful and devastating, but it gave Tom and I time to rest and get our house fully ready for our little guy.

We feel very fortunate for the staff who took care of him for his first week. George followed their guidance and was able to get stronger with each passing day. Every time we came to visit, he passed another NICU milestone and was one step closer to coming home with us. That week in NICU felt like an eternity too, but I know we are lucky that we had a positive experience and that it wasn’t any longer than the 7 days.

Our little guy is a fighter, and now we get to have him all to ourselves. And we are so thankful for that. The security blanket of having 24 hour staff to ask for help has been lifted, and they actually trusted us to take him home.

We can totally do this right?

I won’t lie, I had my first mommy panic attack sans hospital on the car ride home from the hospital…chalk it up to sleep deprivation.

Oh and they really did put our baby in the corner.

Thank you to everyone who said prayers, sent good vibes our way, or reached out with words of support. This was one of the most difficult weeks, and those thoughts in our direction were definitely appreciated.

Now I hope you are ready for George pictures in overdrive now that I have my hands on him full time. Check out #georgegram on my Instagram for the latest adorable thing.

As Tom put it about his sneezes, “It’s the most adorable thing. It’s like seeing a puppy ride a pony.”

August 31, 2014 by Stephanie

George’s Birth Story

This has been a whirlwind of a week.

I never thought that a week ago I would be sitting here to tell this story. I was just posting our 36 week update!

But here we are.

Today George is 5 days old.

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Let’s start at the beginning shall we.

Monday morning at 8:30am I had another check up with my doctor. This was also the day that George had officially been cooking for 37 weeks, which was a huge stress relief to know he was out of the premie category. (By a day mind you…)

At this appointment, they checked my blood pressure like usual and found it at a level that was seriously crazy dangerous. For two hours, I laid on a cold hard observation bed while they checked my blood pressure every 30 minutes and watched George on a heart monitor. While my blood pressure went down, it wasn’t much to get us out of the woods. George, by the way, was just having a ball in there and passing all his tests.

At 10:30am, my doctor came in and said “Let’s have a baby today.”

Oh my. Our due date is September 15th.

SEPTEMBER. It is August.

She said that because of my protein level increasing from 400 to 2000 in one week and my blood pressure, she didn’t want to prolong it because I would soon get really sick. That would not be good for George either. Fortunately, I had already started dilating and was measuring at 2. She said that is great news for an induction because it should go much more smoothly since my body was already preparing for it.

Still 3 weeks early…

She directed me to go to the hospital immediately, and they would put me on some medicine for my blood pressure and induce me sometime that evening.

To add to the complications, Tom was not in town because he was doing an interview in Missouri. So obviously my panic level went up knowing he was not at home and 6 hours away.

My doctor knew he was out of town and explained that the labor probably wouldn’t start until late this evening which would give him plenty of time to get back.

So I left the doctor’s office and decided to go home first instead of straight to hospital. I know I am a rebel and didn’t follow her instructions. I needed to get myself together….Holy cow this is 3 weeks early! Plus there were all the bags to get and the dogs to give some love to.

I called Tom, and we figured out a game plan to get him back ASAP. To be honest, he figured it out, I just cried on the phone.

The best thing for me was to get home and collect myself in our own space for just a bit.

Luckily we had packed the hospital bag that weekend so there wasn’t a whole lot more that I needed to do at home besides last minute toiletries and getting the dogs squared away. Also we had not put the car seat in the car yet, so that needed to go on the list too. To be real with you, I just threw all the stuff in the car, and Tom took care of it later at the hospital.

I decided to relax a little at home to buy more time for Tom to get back to TN so I didn’t have to be in the hospital by myself for long. Also there was just so much processing that I needed to do to keep my blood pressure down.

So I ate some lunch, knowing that as soon as I walked in those doors I would not be allowed food. (Little did I know I wouldn’t have food for 2 and a half days…)

I went through the house a half a dozen times to make sure I had completed our pre-baby list and the bags were complete. I played with the dogs for just a bit after packing the car since they could tell I was panicked which makes them panicked. I gave them a pep talk and told them the next time we came home we would have their brother.

Then I headed towards the hospital but with one more pit stop on the way. I still had not bought nursing bras since they say to wait until your last few weeks. I was going to do that later this Monday anyway at the local maternity store. Well I didn’t have time for that so I went to Target to pick up some cheapies (which I am regretting now..but I was on a time crunch). Also the Target here has the worst selection of everything, and my sizes are always picked clean. Finding nursing bras was no different, but I bought a couple that would make do until I had more time to invest.

Going to Target on the way to deliver your baby is totally normal right?

I got to the hospital at about 1:15 and then proceeded to wait in the registration lobby until 2:30. Nothing like sitting in a waiting room to make your anxiety rise.

I finally got up to Labor and Delivery about 3pm on Monday. I was put in a bed and hooked up to the blood pressure cuff and told to relax.

And I started my fantastic meal of ice chips galore as I waited.

Tom got to the hospital around 6pm. At this time the on-call doctor came in to discuss the course of action. He was a big creeper and seriously talked more about us having 12 kids than worrying about the one we were having right now. He weirded me out so much, and I just wanted my own doctors to take care of me. So we kept asking when the on-call switched to see if I could hold out. (Not even kidding…he was that awkward.)

Anyway, at 10pm they put me on an IV and a magnesium drip. I also got to experience a catheter for the first time. The magnesium is supposed to lower my blood pressure so I can safely deliver George. The bad side is that it is the devil. It makes you feel like you are physically on fire. It slows down your whole system and just makes you feel really sluggish. But it was getting my blood pressure down so there you go. I also had to be on it for another 24 hours after the birth, so I was in sluggish fiery hell for 2 and half days…Magnesium makes you feel so awful about life.

At midnight, they started giving me pitocin. They started with a 2, and they would increase it gradually every hour or so to start inducing the labor more naturally.

A couple hours later, I was in non-stop pain. Contractions are real friends. I can’t even explain how awful they felt. Unfortunately because of the pitocin, I was also not having any break. There was an hour there that I had non stop contractions for the ENTIRE 60 minutes. Remember that time when my doctor said that labor would go more smoothly…uh yea about that.

So they pulled the pitocin back and gave me some pain medication so I could sleep for a little bit.

This is where the timeline gets really blurry for me. The magnesium was taking it’s full affect on me, and I had no idea what time it was. I just knew that I felt like poop and wanted this to be over.

Sometime Tuesday morning, I got an epidural. I had originally wanted to wait as long as possible to get an epidural to see if I could do it naturally and also so I could walk around during labor. Because of the magnesium, I had a catheter so I was not allowed to walk around anyway. Because our plans had changed and I wasn’t able to be mobile at all, and there was so much misery, I figured let’s have at it. Give me those drugs.

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Getting an epidural was not bad at all pain wise. Unfortunately right where they stick it in, my back is super ticklish. I can think about someone touching it and my back will start spazing. So it took us a little while for me to take the epidural. Luckily, my nurse was amazing as I cried into her neck from feeling like a spazing idiot. Really I had the best nurses all week. Amazing staff.

Also I made it to the on-call doctor change. And as my luck would have it, my doctor was on call. She is amazing, so I am glad the labor went long so I could have her helping me through this.

I finally dilated to a 6, and as my doctor was checking my cervix she accidentally broke my water. This wasn’t a bad thing, she just hadn’t intentionally gone down there to do that. It was pretty humorous when it happened. I was a gusher, so my doctor was covered. Whoops.

We then had a slight emergency happen. My blood pressure skyrocketed then plummeted super fast. Both George and I were in distress randomly. George’s heart beat went really crazy low and all of a sudden there were tons of nurses in the room helping me get on all fours to get George moving again. It was an intense couple of seconds as we waited for him to get more active.

I then threw up a couple times because of my blood pressure going nuts.

At this point, I was put on a oxygen mask. I had this well after the labor ended.

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The next hour was much more calm and they backed the pitocin down again so I could rest some more and relax a little.

Unfortunately, I started feeling the contractions again. Excuse me, isn’t that why I got the epidural so I don’t have to feel this awful pain?

They upped my epidural juice. Also known as magic. I could still feel everything, but there was no pain. I didn’t have control of my right leg though. It was a log.

At around 4pm on Tuesday, I had dilated to an 8 and my doctor said it was time. So we went over what Tom and I would do during labor, and we got that party started.

I would push 3 times during a contraction and then we would take a break. My doctor and labor nurse were awesome and during the breaks we were talking about our dogs and the Army since both my doctor and nurse were Army spouses. They did a great job at making me feel real at ease.

Also Tom was absolutely amazing during this whole thing! I have the best husband, and they really don’t give the husbands enough credit during the laboring process.

I may be delusional, but I thought the actual pushing part was the easiest part of the labor. That one hour was nothing in comparison to the previous 16 hours of craziness. The pushing was hard don’t get me wrong. I was out of breath and exhausted, but I at least wasn’t writhing in agony as much as I was during the wee hours of the morning before.

After about 4 large pushing sessions, my doctor said that if George didn’t make it out on the next point she would have to use the suction cup tool (it has a technical term, I just don’t remember what it was) to help him get out.

George was being stubborn so the suction cup went on his head.

And then just an hour after we began pushing, George came out!

At 5:17 pm on August 26th, Tom and I became parents to the most beautiful little guy.

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I came home from the hospital on Saturday, but we were not able to bring George home with us. While it was heartbreaking to come home without him, he has needed his time in the NICU.

We are hoping to have him home on Tuesday. He has a couple more tests to pass, but come back later this week for the full story of our NICU journey.

Glad to finally meet my August baby! He apparently wanted to be more of a summer baby than a fall baby.

This is also why they tell you to be flexible with your birth plan and have no expectations. Something is bound to change.

August 21, 2014 by Stephanie

36 Week Bumpdate

Week 36

How far along: 36 weeks…He will be here in less than a month!

Sex of Baby W: He is all boy. We saw his little turtle. Also the old wives tale about little boys drying out your hands may be true. My hands have been so dry like it is the middle of winter.

Weight gain: I have gained 19 pounds. I feel gross from sitting all the time. I am packing on the pounds now, and feel like a chunky monkey. Also people are really judgy about pregnancies. Last week at one of our check ups there was a woman who mocked me for going to the bathroom several times while we waited. She said to Tom that I had no idea what it was like to be pregnant like her at 21 weeks and to just wait for what my bladder will feel like when I am farther along. First of all, I know that I am smaller, but I know that I at least look like I am 20 weeks…And secondly, I am much further along than you, and I definitely know what it feels like to be pregnant while I sit on the toilet every 45 minutes. While there are common things about pregnancies, people really need to remember that each of us will have a different experience and never say “You don’t know what it is like to be pregnant.” Do you not see this bump?

Size of Baby W: He weighs 5 lbs and 13 oz. He is closing in on how much I weighed when I was born (6 lbs and 4 oz). He should be about the size of a head of lettuce right now. We have another ultra sound this afternoon to see how much he has changed in the last week. He was in the 41% last week, which is way better than the beginning of July when he was in the 13%. If he would have been below 10%, George may have come last week…We need him to keep bulking.

Maternity clothes: Since I am no longer working, I wear yoga pants and t-shirts all the time. Also putting pants on is hard friends. I can’t really bend over nicely or I lose my balance so I have to sit on the bed to put on pants.

Baby items: We did our big discount trip with our registry last week, so we still have a few items trickling in from those shipments. We have been having fun playing with the baby monitor the past couple days. If you want to see more of our nursery you can see my posts here, here, and here. I also will have a few more things to show in the upcoming weeks so stay tuned!

Stretch marks: Nothing so far.

Belly button in or out: I have a flattie still, but it looks like it is expanding. Sometimes though it dips back down.

Sleep: I actually have been sleeping pretty well the past few weeks. I feel like I am barricaded by pillows, but I do a pretty good job of staying asleep most nights. There are only a few nights where I have to get up to pee.

Best moment the past few weeks: George passing all of his tests and getting to see how big he is during our ultrasound.

Worst moment the past few weeks: Being diagnosed with pre-eclampsia and all the hospital visits. I have been to the hospital 4 times in the last 3 weeks and had 4 separate doctor’s visits. My blood pressure is basically sky-rocketing and I have protein in my pee, which means my liver is not doing what it is supposed to be doing. Pre-eclampsia happens to many women during pregnancy, and there really is no rhyme or reason why you get it. I never had high blood pressure before in my life. The concern though is that if it is not monitored it can turn into eclampsia which causes seizures, which you can guess is super bad for baby. Luckily my blood tests are coming back normal so we are still in the just monitoring phase, but this is something that could change fast and without me noticing. The thing is I feel fine, so it is hard to know what your BP is doing. That is why it is called the silent killer. Not terrifying at all for someone who is supposed to keep her blood pressure down right? So I am on bed rest to hopefully keep things calm. However, what bed rest does is just give me time to focus on all the bad things that could happen and stress myself out! We go in twice a week for two different tests now. One test is a non-stress test where George has to move so many times in a 20 minute period and they watch his heart-rate to make sure it is reacting properly. He has passed the two we have had so far. They call him a happy baby every time, which makes me happy. The second test is with an ultrasound, and again George is being tested. They check for several different things that he does to make sure he is growing on track. The only thing he didn’t pass was the practicing breathing. The doctor said this is pretty normal since they aren’t doing this around the clock, and she has seen him hiccup in other appointments. He did enough of the activities to pass the entire test though, so that is a bonus. Because he is doing well in there, we are trying to keep him in the incubator just a little longer and will monitor my body for any other issues. We will not be making it to our due date (Sept 15th) though, and we will be induced at least by 39 weeks if it doesn’t happen naturally otherwise. It may be earlier if I keep sucking on my tests. Hopefully we can at least make it to next week because 37 weeks is more of a safe zone for a delivery. I just need to get myself under control, but it looks like he will be an early September or late August baby! The doctor is pretty hopefully that we will still be able to do everything naturally (besides the induction part to get it started), which is great because I want to avoid a c-section if I can. We have been really blessed with the amazing care we have received throughout the entire ordeal. It’s just all a little stressful to sit and wait and hope for the best.

Miss anything: Not being confined to my couch. I also miss seat belts fitting normally. The way it lays now because of the belly, it cuts off my boob and feels like it is strangling me. Also I miss my boobs not touching my belly. I don’t have big boobs at all, so this has been VERY weird and uncomfortable to get used to. Like seriously, boob sweat is awful….

Cravings: I haven’t really had any the past few weeks.

Movement: He is pretty active still. He normally perks up a little more after I eat. I can also play with him a little if I am concerned about him, so he is really reactive to people pushing him around (which is great for all these tests). It was also fun to actually see his foot that he likes to push in the same spot on my right side during the ultrasound. You never really know what body part that is that is poking you, so it was cool to see it was indeed that big foot of his. He also favors sitting on my right side more than the left, which has made for some pretty awkward belly shapes the bigger he gets. Lately, he has been getting hiccups so hard that they hurt me a little bit. He also gets hiccups a couple times a day now.

Symptoms/how I am feeling: Besides going stir crazy due to this bed rest, I have had a few other issues that are related to the pre-eclampsia. I have had some blurred vision and headaches. I also have had some upper abdominal pain, which is what has sent me to the hospital a couple times just to be safe. I have been pretty lucky that I haven’t had any swelling though.

Looking forward to: Little man making his debut! I can’t believe it is almost here! Our plan is to have everything George ready by the end of this weekend. We are almost there! We also had to move our maternity pictures since Tom had staff duty the day we were supposed to have them. Thank you last minute planning Army. I really hope we make it that long to have them on our rescheduled date!

36 weeks

Since we aren’t sure how much time we have left, this may be my last update. Depending on how much notice we have, I will try to do one last update before we deliver. But no promises friends.

Tom and I were having a conversation about whether he would come on his due date a few weeks ago before all this induction talk went down. However, I said, “Do you think he will come on his birthday?” Tom replied, “I assure you he will come on his birthday.” Apparently I was already throwing the due date out the window…

August 12, 2014 by Stephanie

Cribs: Baby Edition

So this might be somewhat different than a spotlight on MTV. No crazy lighting, trick doorways or indoor pools here…Darn.

The nursery is finally in a place where I feel like I can share things without showing our messy storage woes.

I am going to show you all it in pieces, because well, let’s be honest, it’s still not all together.

And we have 5 weeks to go, no big deal.

First up on the baby room show and tell: Crib bedding.

I don’t think Tom and I ever really discussed having elephants as the “nursery” theme. I think it went down something like me showing him a picture from Pinterest, and he said ok. And then here we are.

I have always loved elephants, and luckily Tom is fine with being on that train. We have them all over our living room, and our spare bathroom also has elephants stamped all over it.

It seemed like a great nursery theme, and people have been kind of running with it.

I can’t blame them. Elephants are the greatest.

When my mom was here in June, we made the crib skirt, blanket, and a small pillow.

I found some gray fabric online for sale, and it matches the curtains we already had in the second bedroom. Then we picked up solid orange and blue fabric here in town.

I showed my mom a picture, and she worked her magic with making it happen. She used a pattern from a different bedding set, and we (I mean Mom) tweaked it as we went to fit my idea.

It was my first time using patterns, so it was definitely a learning experience.

I did help! But most of it was all Mom.

Here is the layout of the blanket.

We made the bed skirt so it just lays on the springs/crib bottom.

So there is a white middle with the skirt on the sides.

You can’t see the blue all the way around because of the current height we have the crib and how it lays with the rails. Once we move the crib up or down to fit George’s demands, you will be able to see the blue more.

For the blanket we made two identical sides and put thin batting in between to make it thicker. We sewed the eyes of the elephants to add some strength to the middle parts and so the batting wouldn’t move around.

The pillow was just made out of scrap pieces and then stuffed to my heart’s content. I might make more pillows here soon if I get inspired before he is delivered.

I know the pillow and blanket won’t be in there when he is sleeping, but it will be nice to have for other things.

I wasn’t sure how I would like the brown against the gray, but I actually am digging it. We knew we weren’t going to paint the rocking chair we already had, so brown was here to stay, and I just hoped that the gray fit in!

We have lots of fabric still left over, so there are some other projects I have in mind, like huge floor pillows. That will come later though, possibly after a move.

It is super simple, but I love that. Babies don’t need crazy elaborate. Plus it was an experience making it. I am also pretty proud of us knowing that my mom and I did that instead of just going and buying it.

Although, we did buy the fitted sheet. Ain’t nobody got time for that elastic sewing…

Huge shout out to my mom for bearing with me as I struggled to understand patterns, freaked out about sewing machines not working, and feeling like I had the touch of death. She really made all of this come together. My mom is the best!

And in honor of elephants, today is World Elephant Day!

Here are some awesome elephant things for you to enjoy.

Elephant and Mirror

Eye Opening Facts About Elephants

Seriously the Most Adorable Clips of Baby Elephants

August 7, 2014 by Stephanie

Led Here

I never imagined that my life would lead here.

Growing up, I always dreamed of being a career woman. I watched my parents be working parents, and so that is all I had come to know.

I always figured I would be a working mom.

Even once we got pregnant, we talked about how we would dive into parenthood with both of us having jobs. We decided that I would continue to look for full-time work and hope that would happen before George arrived.

I never imagined that my life would lead here.

To this moment.

After next week, I am accepting the role of a stay-at-home mom.

This was by no means an easy decision. We toiled over it for months and looked at all of our options and circumstances.

So I come to this with mixed emotions.

On the one hand, I am excited to be able to focus solely on our family. I believe that the time that I will have to be with George will be something I never regret. To be able to be there for every moment of this precious time is such a gift. I am ecstatic to have the opportunity to be fully present for George as his mom and to Tom as his wife. I feel that we often get pulled in so many directions, so it will be so fantastic to have them as my main focus all day. While I have complete faith in childcare, seeing as many in my family work in that system, I know that no one will be able to give him the attention that I can. So there is a selfish love that I am excited to be able to share with George every second!

But to say that I don’t have negative feelings would be a lie.

I am terrified.

I am terrified that I will lose touch with my work life passions.

I am terrified that we will not have enough money, and I feel guilty that I will not be providing any income.

I am terrified I am not going to feel like I am enough.

I do eventually want to get back into the working game. I truly love what I do with students and know that I belong in an academic setting. To be honest, I am still job searching, and was hoping to have a full-time job by now. Unfortunately those were not the cards we were dealt. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel embarrassed that I went to school for 7 years for two degrees and worked for the last 4 to reach my career goals- all to conclude with a fruitless job search. I am scared that being a stay-at-home mom and having that employment gap may reflect poorly on me in future searches. Let’s just say it has just added on more insecurities that I have been collecting about the direction of my career.

As for money, in reality, this really isn’t an issue. I just worry too much. Financially, we will be fine. Tom and I have good money habits and are decent savers and mindful shoppers. So while there may be an adjustment period, this area shouldn’t be of concern. However, looking at the fact that the cost of daycare is ridiculous and that I would not have paid maternity leave (which meant no pay for a couple months anyway), keeping my part-time job did not seem profitable. What I get paid would have barely been able to cover the cost of daycare. When I thought about driving to work, working 25ish hours a week, and the time to deal with daycare, it did not seem worth it to miss out on time with George. I also did not feel right putting my boss in a position to hold my job for me knowing we would be moving away within the next year anyway. It seemed better for them to go ahead and replace me now and have all that time for them to adjust to the position instead of coming back in a few months only to leave again in a few more. They were going to have to hire someone anyway, why prolong the process? But really, the cost of daycare vs. the benefits of me staying home with George really tipped the scale in favor of being at home. Plus, let’s talk about the money I won’t be spending, like on gas! Um hello? Seems obvious right? My fear really has come down to that it’s hard to adjust to the fact that I will no longer be contributing that cash money after I have been working since I was 14 .

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My job in Student Affairs has always brought me fulfillment and made me feel like I was part of something greater than myself. I absolutely love being in an educational setting where I can help students along in their own path. I find it so inspiring to work with college students and be a part of their developing process. I wonder if staying at home, I will miss all the meetings, programs and intentional conversations that I have worked so hard to have. I wonder if I will miss being part of that impact, or if I will have an impact. There are people who question whether I will go back and feel that I have wasted my experience. Seeing that doubt eventually does wear on you, and you wonder too. That somehow me not having a “career” means that I am not successful. There are parts of me that feel that I am letting myself down by making this choice, or that I am letting others down in the process. This area here has honestly been the biggest struggle as I am looking down at my last week of employment. The “what am I doing with my life?” problem…

But.

I never imagined that my life would lead me here.

I get to stay at home with my first child.

I get to see him cry, laugh, and sleep and everything in between.

I get to be the one that comforts him.

I get to be the one that teaches him new things: important things (like what TMNT stands for) and not-so important things (like what a spork is). (which are clearly something you would teach an infant…)

I get to see George interact with Grace and Crosby (and crash Instagram with their cuteness).

I get to make a difference for him.

I get to experience things I would never have imagined about motherhood.

And that, my friends, is more than enough.

Because the one thing I have always wanted more than a career is to be a mom.

I know that this is the right decision for us and George. I may have doubts and insecurities about how this may look, but I know that I will not be letting George down by making this decision for now. Ultimately, that is my priority. I know that right now, my purpose is to be his mom, and that is more than enough to have a fulfilled life. Being a professional will come later, and that is ok.

And while I never imagined my life to lead me here, I feel fortunate for the time to focus on George.

This is a very personal decision that every couple has to make. I by no means am saying that one is better than the other here, and I am not trying to judge one group over the other. I feel that both have their merits, and have no impact on how good a parent you can be. I know there are a lot of opinions for both camps, and I am not trying to side with either. With our current circumstances, this was just really the best option for us. And while, we aren’t exactly sure how long this gig will last since I am actively still searching for a full-time job outside of the home, I am choosing to remain positive about the opportunity and will soak up all the moments that I can. I know that everything happens for a reason and will work out they way they need to for us.

I just felt that I needed to be honest with my personal struggles and turmoil to reach that conclusion.

Tom has been exceptional in this decision. He has supported me through every struggle and insecurity, which has pretty much meant I have put him through the ringer. I made this decision initially on my own, and then together we decided that it was indeed the best route for us right now. I know he supports me either way and is my biggest cheerleader in this adventure of staying home as well as job searching. (Although, I know he is excited that I will be home for lunch with him every day.)

And let’s be real, I am excited that I can be barefoot all day if I so choose, and possibly not to wear anything outside of t-shirts for an extended amount of time.

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