Led Here

I never imagined that my life would lead here.

Growing up, I always dreamed of being a career woman. I watched my parents be working parents, and so that is all I had come to know.

I always figured I would be a working mom.

Even once we got pregnant, we talked about how we would dive into parenthood with both of us having jobs. We decided that I would continue to look for full-time work and hope that would happen before George arrived.

I never imagined that my life would lead here.

To this moment.

After next week, I am accepting the role of a stay-at-home mom.

This was by no means an easy decision. We toiled over it for months and looked at all of our options and circumstances.

So I come to this with mixed emotions.

On the one hand, I am excited to be able to focus solely on our family. I believe that the time that I will have to be with George will be something I never regret. To be able to be there for every moment of this precious time is such a gift. I am ecstatic to have the opportunity to be fully present for George as his mom and to Tom as his wife. I feel that we often get pulled in so many directions, so it will be so fantastic to have them as my main focus all day. While I have complete faith in childcare, seeing as many in my family work in that system, I know that no one will be able to give him the attention that I can. So there is a selfish love that I am excited to be able to share with George every second!

But to say that I don’t have negative feelings would be a lie.

I am terrified.

I am terrified that I will lose touch with my work life passions.

I am terrified that we will not have enough money, and I feel guilty that I will not be providing any income.

I am terrified I am not going to feel like I am enough.

I do eventually want to get back into the working game. I truly love what I do with students and know that I belong in an academic setting. To be honest, I am still job searching, and was hoping to have a full-time job by now. Unfortunately those were not the cards we were dealt. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel embarrassed that I went to school for 7 years for two degrees and worked for the last 4 to reach my career goals- all to conclude with a fruitless job search. I am scared that being a stay-at-home mom and having that employment gap may reflect poorly on me in future searches. Let’s just say it has just added on more insecurities that I have been collecting about the direction of my career.

As for money, in reality, this really isn’t an issue. I just worry too much. Financially, we will be fine. Tom and I have good money habits and are decent savers and mindful shoppers. So while there may be an adjustment period, this area shouldn’t be of concern. However, looking at the fact that the cost of daycare is ridiculous and that I would not have paid maternity leave (which meant no pay for a couple months anyway), keeping my part-time job did not seem profitable. What I get paid would have barely been able to cover the cost of daycare. When I thought about driving to work, working 25ish hours a week, and the time to deal with daycare, it did not seem worth it to miss out on time with George. I also did not feel right putting my boss in a position to hold my job for me knowing we would be moving away within the next year anyway. It seemed better for them to go ahead and replace me now and have all that time for them to adjust to the position instead of coming back in a few months only to leave again in a few more. They were going to have to hire someone anyway, why prolong the process? But really, the cost of daycare vs. the benefits of me staying home with George really tipped the scale in favor of being at home. Plus, let’s talk about the money I won’t be spending, like on gas! Um hello? Seems obvious right? My fear really has come down to that it’s hard to adjust to the fact that I will no longer be contributing that cash money after I have been working since I was 14 .

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My job in Student Affairs has always brought me fulfillment and made me feel like I was part of something greater than myself. I absolutely love being in an educational setting where I can help students along in their own path. I find it so inspiring to work with college students and be a part of their developing process. I wonder if staying at home, I will miss all the meetings, programs and intentional conversations that I have worked so hard to have. I wonder if I will miss being part of that impact, or if I will have an impact. There are people who question whether I will go back and feel that I have wasted my experience. Seeing that doubt eventually does wear on you, and you wonder too. That somehow me not having a “career” means that I am not successful. There are parts of me that feel that I am letting myself down by making this choice, or that I am letting others down in the process. This area here has honestly been the biggest struggle as I am looking down at my last week of employment. The “what am I doing with my life?” problem…

But.

I never imagined that my life would lead me here.

I get to stay at home with my first child.

I get to see him cry, laugh, and sleep and everything in between.

I get to be the one that comforts him.

I get to be the one that teaches him new things:  important things (like what TMNT stands for) and not-so important things (like what a spork is). (which are clearly something you would teach an infant…)

I get to see George interact with Grace and Crosby (and crash Instagram with their cuteness).

I get to make a difference for him.

I get to experience things I would never have imagined about motherhood.

And that, my friends, is more than enough.

Because the one thing I have always wanted more than a career is to be a mom.

I know that this is the right decision for us and George. I may have doubts and insecurities about how this may look, but I know that I will not be letting George down by making this decision for now. Ultimately, that is my priority. I know that right now, my purpose is to be his mom, and that is more than enough to have a fulfilled life. Being a professional will come later, and that is ok.

And while I never imagined my life to lead me here, I feel fortunate for the time to focus on George.

This is a very personal decision that every couple has to make. I by no means am saying that one is better than the other here, and I am not trying to judge one group over the other. I feel that both have their merits, and have no impact on how good a parent you can be. I know there are a lot of opinions for both camps, and I am not trying to side with either. With our current circumstances, this was just really the best option for us. And while, we aren’t exactly sure how long this gig will last since I am actively still searching for a full-time job outside of the home, I am choosing to remain positive about the opportunity and will soak up all the moments that I can. I know that everything happens for a reason and will work out they way they need to for us.

I just felt that I needed to be honest with my personal struggles and turmoil to reach that conclusion.

Tom has been exceptional in this decision. He has supported me through every struggle and insecurity, which has pretty much meant I have put him through the ringer. I made this decision initially on my own, and then together we decided that it was indeed the best route for us right now. I know he supports me either way and is my biggest cheerleader in this adventure of staying home as well as job searching. (Although, I know he is excited that I will be home for lunch with him every day.)

And let’s be real, I am excited that I can be barefoot all day if I so choose, and possibly not to wear anything outside of t-shirts for an extended amount of time.

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Is it wrong that I feel the exact opposite? Endless ponytails and free boobs for me!

The Life Of Faith

I’m an Achiever…who doesn’t have it all together

I need to be open that I really struggled with this post. I have written it several times, and erased it just as many. It was a wall I wasn’t ready to climb over.

Or better yet, wasn’t willing to admit that I had to climb over.

However, I have a feeling that I am not alone in this, which is why I have finally become comfortable pushing the publish button and laying it all out there.

So bear with me as I take you on a journey of unpacking some emotions that have been weighing pretty heavily on my heart the past couple months.

I have always been a person that likes to achieve and get things done. I am always my worst critic, and I am intrinsically motivated. I put my goals on a pedestal, however unrealistic they may be, and work diligently to be the best I can be and push myself further each day. This has manifested itself in several manners: being top of my class, getting scholarships, but also just keeping busy. Creating a to-do list and marking things off gives me a high like none other. I am one of those people that will add a completed task that was not previously on the list on the said list just so I can get the satisfaction of crossing it off the list. It is why crocheting is so important to me. I can be “achieving” something, but actually be still which gives me much needed rest.

(For all my student affairs friends, this is why Achiever has always been my number one strength when other strengths have moved around.)

I have worked hard to attain certain achievements. Getting the GPA, the degrees, and other resume items, have not always come easily, but they did happen in succession as according to the plan. I worked hard and tirelessly to mark the next thing off the list.

My first professional job came so naturally according to my timeline. I proceeded to work there the next three years to prepare myself for the next step. It was a job that I loved and was exactly what I needed at the time. Check and check.

Since everything before had come after hard work and perseverance, I thought dream job career would be no different.

When the Army mandated that it was time to go, I thought, “Perfect. I am no longer a new professional. Look out world! Hire me for that mid-level position. Booya!”

And a year and a half later, I am in a temporary position.

What they don’t tell you as an achiever, is sometimes the timing sucks.

What they don’t tell you is that sometimes you can work your tush off, and things still don’t look profitable.

What they don’t tell you is that sometimes you can “network” all you want but they still may go in another direction.

What they don’t tell you is that you can have the perfect credentials, but you may not be receiving an offer (from anywhere).

What they don’t tell you is that this doesn’t mean you are a failure.

Well maybe they do tell us this, but most of us don’t listen. Most of think, I am doing everything right so that can’t happen to me. I personally have a hard time thinking that “no” and “an uncompleted task” isn’t an automatic failure. Unrealistic, I know.

My position is a temporary position that basically gets audited every so often and is allotted hours on a need basis. Some weeks I have full time status, others I am there 4 hours a day.  After coming off a full-time position that had very healthy benefits, I was kind of in shock at first. This position was all that I could find that was still relevant to my field and passions.

I spent a year and half doing resumes and applications, and I have lost track at how many positions I have applied to over that time.  I have only done 3 interviews.

You might be saying, “Well, maybe it is your application materials”. Well, it might be, but I have also had about  a dozen people look at those documents and I am constantly tweaking and updating. I have a Master’s degree and a resume that speaks volumes to the work that I put in (not to toot my own horn). The cards were just not in my favor to find the perfect ideal next step. Sometimes the stars do not align, and you cannot fix that. That is all it boils down to; sometimes it just doesn’t work out as you imagined. My brain knows this.

My heart, however, was hearing something else.

As someone who is in their late twenties who has worked hard and gotten some pretty nice accolades for the time and effort, not getting a full-time-next-step-dream-job-here-I-come position, was a big blow to my psyche.

Let’s be clear, I did start out very positive about the job. I thought it was a great segue out of Residence Life and into the academic setting that I yearn for. I was hopeful about the opportunity! I was very thankful to still be working at a university and being in the education setting.

But after a couple months, I was yearning for the interactions that I have had for the past 5 years. I was no longer on any committees. I wasn’t developing anything besides witty emails. I was no longer in a supervision role. My meetings with students were reading instructions for tests. I felt that I wasn’t reaching my full potential.

This achiever became miserable and spiraled down quickly. My husband is truly a saint for putting up with me some days, since he got the brunt of my emotions.

I was embarrassed, angry, resentful, bitter, hateful, and just plain sad. For the past few months I have not been myself. I was out of control inside.

Embarrassed of my job status.

Angry that I didn’t feel fulfilled.

Resentful for the Army not sending us to a different city. (FtC was the last choice on my ranking sheet…)

Bitter because I had a job that I loved.

Hateful because of all the above.

Sad because there wasn’t anything I could do to change the cards I was dealt.

I was just miserable. I had made myself out to be this failure. I was fighting a constant battle with my life to-do list.

I was having an issue that my life did not turn out where I had expected. I had created a monster.

I am not really sure where/when it happened in the past few weeks, but I have started seeing the proverbial light. With a lot of prayers and encouragement from those close to me, there have been little glimpses of sunshine in my made up bleakness of a career. It has been a slow revelation, but I am getting there.

I realized that I was the problem. Me. My to do list. My unrealistic expectations and timelines.

For a moment, this achiever was crushed at what I had done to my sunny disposition.

How did I get out of it? Create a list obviously.

But, the list was different. It was a list to help me get out of a rut, how to get through each day, how to enjoy each day.

Basically it is a list of blessings and opportunities that I do have here-finding my yellow umbrella amongst the storm.

Maybe this is the time to focus my energy somewhere else besides committees and projects. Maybe this is the time to learn the little things and take a moment to breathe.

I have to have a different outlook, otherwise I am wasting opportunities. Otherwise I am wasting me.

The truth is I do get to do some pretty cool things at my job, and it is a wonderful opportunity to learn a unique part of the university. Not being a supervisor does allow for different relationships to build with students. I get to go to class with two students several times a week and help with their learning process. I am learning Excel. Which if you knew me before this job, it was a wonder I knew how to enter anything. I am interacting with faculty almost on an hourly basis.  I am able to use other passions and my creativity to fill the most random jobs needed for the office (ie the department’s photographer and bulletin board guru). And those emails, they are spot on perfect!

I know that we will not be in Ft. Campbell forever, so this wouldn’t have been my forever job. I just need to be thankful that I was able to find something in my field that is still challenging and be open to different possibilities. While I know that doing excel spreadsheets and emails all day isn’t my ideal work life, this job is giving me something. I need to re-frame my thinking that this will help me get that job I have always wanted as an Academic Success Coach. I just have to dig in a little now and just keep being awesome no matter how little the task may seem.

And if I am going to be real with you, there are some plus sides to being a temp. Silver lining folks.

I have become hopeful again!

This article really inspired to write this. It eloquently describes all of the feelings I had been going through during this transition. It hits the nail on the head for all my fellow twentysomethings.

“Failure is not a period, it’s a comma. And only if you stop trying will you really fail.”

-Paul Angone

I think so many of us expect things to happen naturally and are blind sided when even if we do everything so right, you can still end up in undesirable situations. With that expectation, we also compare ourselves to what people put out on social media.

Honestly, I was most concerned with how people would react knowing that I don’t have a full time job. My embarrassment was driving everything else. So I have to remind myself of this quote often, because I know there are so many others out there struggling, even in full time jobs. This has been a very humbling experience to say the least.

I don’t have to have a job status to define me. I want my actions and the work I put out to show who I am. I want to be known for how I treat people, not how many hours I put on a symbolic time clock. I just need to be happy where I am in this moment, and be ok that it doesn’t look like everyone else’s “highlight reel.” I can still be successful; I am successful. I just need to remain hopeful and make my own definition of success.

And be proud of that.

I wanted to write this because I am not alone in this, but yet so many keep this struggle buried. I wanted to write this because I am not a failure,  yet so many argue that my paycheck says I am. I wanted to write this because I am thankful for what I have,  yet our “to do lists” beg for more .

I wanted to write this to keep myself in check to my own life and not someone else’s.

I wanted to write this because it’s ok to live in the moment, even if it’s not the one from your dreams.

So here’s to a new outlook and repeating the mantra “control what I can and let go of what I can’t.”

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” -Proverbs 16:9