June 18, 2024 by Stephanie

Year 13

Today is our anniversary.

When you get married, you are full of excitement. There is nothing but celebration around you. You are looking towards your future and you tend to focus on the happiness that is before you. You think about the mundane routines that you will experience together. You dream of the family you are going to make. You think about the LIFE you will have together.

What I didn’t realize 13 years ago when we high-fived our I dos, is how much we were choosing a partner to navigate death with. I mean I imagined growing old with Tom, as I sing the Adam Sandler song from The Wedding Singer. So it seems obvious that when you say “till death do us part” that was part of the deal.

However it feels different when you start navigating that stage of life.

Tom has an illness that will be with him the rest of his life, and can cause life-threatening situations. We have been searching for the past couple years for the right diagnosis as we hone in on different symptoms. He has seen a sharp decline over the past 6 months, but especially over the last few. We are looking at a long road to maintain positive health, but there are still a lot of unanswered questions. Our life lately has been trips to the hospital, surgeries, biopsies, scans, and a carousel of doctors.

I didn’t imagine to be talking about end of life plans this early in our marriage, but here we are.

It is in these moments that I find that I am blessed to be in this marriage. I could easily say “why us?” or think about life if it went a different direction for us. But then I wouldn’t have this marriage as it is, and all that it has given us despite our current valley.

This marriage has taught me about unwavering love.

This marriage has taught me the value of partnership.

This marriage has humbled me.

This marriage made me a mom.

This marriage has given me everything.

Our wedding verse is a constant comfort for me in this time.

It is often in the valleys where we are stripped to our core and made to learn about ourselves and life.

I am constantly learning about compassion as I watch him be in constant pain. Tom has always been the strongest person I know, and it can be easy for me to just expect the same since life is moving around us like everything is normal. I have needed to slow down and be there for him in new ways and try to understand what new support looks like.

Kindness in a marriage should be a given, but it can be hard when the stress is piling up. It can be hard on a relationship to go through any hard time, but even more so when health is affected. Tom feels helpless because this illness has him knocked down, and I feel helpless to fix any of his ailments so I am trying to keep everything else afloat. But that can make it easy for us to be stressed around each other, and it has been a good reminder for us to be kind in the simplest of terms.

Everything about this year has brought us to our knees and humbled us in ways that we didn’t even think was possible. It has made us be vulnerable in new ways as we continue to grow together. As we have humbled ourselves, we have been able to share more depth about each other and our hopes and fears.

When you are dealing with the hardship of life, being gentle is a weird concept. You’re kind of like an eggshell yourself never quite knowing what will break you. You don’t want people to pity you, but at the same time it can be a large weight to bear. You try to make yourself stronger than maybe you really are to just make it day to day. I am reminded of the extraordinary gift of gentleness that we can offer each other in our marriage. Our world is often filled with chaos and noise, the soft touch of gentleness has the power to soothe our souls, nurture our bond, and create a sanctuary of love and understanding between us.

Patience. Deep down, I am not a patient person. I get anxious waiting on others and want to know what is happening so I can prepare. Being a mom definitely has tested me in that, but so has being married to Tom in everyway. He walks boldly in life, and that can be a wild ride for this anxious heart. He joined the Army, became a police officer, and now has this unknown illness that makes me stop in my tracks daily. I have to be ok with waiting a lot in this life. I pray that God grants me the strength to persevere in times of trial, to remain steadfast in times of uncertainty, and to hold onto hope in times of despair. In my moments of impatience and frustration, I have to ask for help to cultivate a spirit of calmness, understanding, and perseverance, even in the face of these challenges and uncertainties.

There is nothing like facing death that makes you realize holding grudges or bad feelings does no one any good. One of the most remarkable aspects of forgiveness is its ability to bring about profound healing and transformation. By choosing to forgive, we free ourselves from the chains of bitterness and resentment, allowing us to experience inner peace. We quite frankly don’t have time to be mad at each other, so it has been really healing to just let things go and return to love.

Because above all else is love. Love is what got us started. Love built this family. Love is our foundation. Love ties us together.

While this year has been full of strife, it has also brought us immeasurable peace as we both have grown in our faith in God. Everything about this has been scary and unknown, but we have put our trust in God to pull us through this. We have been telling each other that God has something in store for us with everything that is happening. We may not know what that is, but we have found peace that this is the life He chose for us and there is purpose in that. We have had to learn to trust in His divine timing.

And for all of this I am thankful. I am thankful that we started dating 17 years ago during our summer jobs at Worlds of Fun. I am thankful that Tom asked to be tied together 14 years ago on the shores of Savannah, GA. And I am thankful that we chose to navigate life together 13 years ago when we got married.

I am thankful for everything because even in the hard, there has been so so much good. And I wouldn’t change anything about that, so I will take all of this hard now knowing we have more laughs and good to experience.

Happy anniversary, love.

June 18, 2023 by Stephanie

Year 12

A dozen years of marriage.

If I think back to the summer of 2007 when we met, I would never have dreamed of the life that we have. It’s funny that our life together started at an amusement park, because it is the perfect metaphor for our life together.

From the moment we got married though in 2011, I knew I was in for ride with many twists, turns, exhilaration, and lots of snacks along the way.

Every year, I take some time to reflect on our marriage and how it has grown and evolved over the past year.

Some years I share how hard our communication has been.
Some years I give a timeline of growth we experienced that year.
Some years I highlight the belief we have in each other.
I generally always give thoughts on the milestones of the year.

This year, I wanted to talk through what this year in our marriage has meant to me.

Year 12 was a year of teamwork. This year emphasized why our marriage works. Yes we respect, admire, and love each other. But I think this works mostly because Tom and I are truly partners at this life.

Teamwork in Well-being

Tom has had several health scares this year. In October, he suffered a stroke that actually led us to testicular cancer that we fortunately caught before it could spread to his prostate. The recovery from the surgery was longer than expected due to his autoimmune disease having a reaction to his medication and bedrest. Then in February, un-diagnosed ulcers ruptured in his stomach causing him to be in the hospital for days.

We had the life altering moment of watching Wally have a seizure and still have no understanding fully of why it happened. To feel so helpless as parents wrecked me. To have Tom as a strong hold got me through that first month of worry. He made sure I ate and did everything he could to give me peace to sleep.

It was in these moments where we had to lean on each other physically and emotionally. We crawled into the hole together some days and were mad and sad at the situations happening to us. It was scary as the care taker to watch each other in those moments. But the teamwork meant for me to be even more present in these dark moments for us to stay strong together.

Teamwork in Faith

As we made decisions about our family’s faith journey this year, we knew we had to do this together. Faith in God is a personal commitment, but we needed to be in lockstep about our game plan as we are role models to our children. We have struggled with finding a community that we felt would help us grow but also nourish our family as a whole. We took a leap this spring and made a commitment to a church home this spring, and it is the first time we both felt called to the same church.

Teamwork in the House

We are both fully capable people and can do all the things around the house. But what is the fun in that? We divide and conquer with our natural strengths. For example, I keep our schedule managed as it overflows with commitments, and he can add more garden beds each year with great ambition. I make all the plans, and he is the fixer upper.

It helps knowing that I don’t have to carry the burden of the household completely alone, and he keeps life interesting with all of his house projects and ideas. We rely on each other to make this household run completely without feeling the burden one way or the other.

Teamwork in our Careers

We both have fully earned our spots in our careers. We both have worked hard, dreamed big, and never gave up. But I truly believe that I would not have the same strength to be who I am at work without his support at home. He makes me feel more confident and is my first sounding board when I am struggling. Both of our jobs take a lot of mental effort and time, and it is great to have a partner who is understanding when our brains need to shut off when we get home or that we may be running just a little late here and there.

Having a partner who supports your career aspirations means the world. He is my biggest cheerleader, and he is often the reason I feel brave enough to jump into new situations. I mean if he can believe in me, why can’t I believe in myself? Having someone that supports you this fully makes it seems like we are not having to sacrifice in order to chase these dreams at work.

Teamwork as People

We compliment each other well in our personality and strengths. It is honestly amazing how opposite we are from each other, but it really helps fill in the gaps where we need something in this marriage. We are able to balance each other out, and this helps when we have to solve problems in this roller coaster of life because we can see different angles when approaching different situations. And I would be remiss to say that everything is equal all the time around here. I think 50/50 is a myth in so many ways, but that is for another day. The beauty of this team work is that we can be teeter totters for each other. There is an ebb and flow with our energy and time, and we acknowledge when we need to make shifts for each other. We have gotten so much better about communicating our needs to each other so that we can truly be the best partners to each other.

There is no one I’d rather ride along in this life with then Tom.

From then…

Until now…

Forever my partner you will be.

June 18, 2022 by Stephanie

Year 11

Today, Tom and I celebrate eleven years married.

As we reflected on this year we really couldn’t think of anything gigantic happening.

But then we started thinking about all the small moments we had this year.

George is really blossoming and figuring out his way at school. He is learning to read at lightning speed, and he joined Boy Scouts this year. Watching him become someone outside of our unit is such a bittersweet thing!

Daphne started and finished pre-K, and we really are starting to see her come out of her shell. She is a beautiful soul, and I cannot wait to see her in kindergarten.

And Wally. We are starting our last firsts. He is our last baby, and so with that comes all the firsts for the last time. He is the last to learn to walk in this house. He is the last for us to hear talk for the first time. We are trying to embrace all these little moments with him.

And with that, on the plus side, I am out of the breastfeeding fog. This is always a freeing moment. While I love being able to provide that experience for my babies, it really does change our life when I am not tied to that time table of feeding any more.

We also both experienced a lot through work.

Tom is now certified as a combat firearms instructor and a law enforcement jiu-jitsu instructor. He is very passionate about training officers, and these both were significant steps in his career to learn more about his field.

This last year seems like a blur to me work wise. I had so many growing moments with “other duties as assigned” and had to pivot many times in my leadership role. I took on supervising two other departments temporarily while other things at the institution shifted into place. Both of these areas where new and made me stretch in ways I could never have imagined. I led campus wide initiatives to impact culture changes, which can be hard but also fun and inspiring to navigate through the challenge. Fortunately, I am surrounded by phenomenal colleagues who help me learn each day, and I am grateful to be where I am. I am extremely proud in the work that I do, and this year, while hard, made me realize that even more.

We didn’t last long as a no-dog home, and we brought Daisy into our lives. I honestly don’t know how we could have found a better dog after Grace and Crosby. She is seriously the most docile and sweet thing who we have had to do zero training with. She just is a happy go-with-the-flow kind of dog, which perfectly fits into our crazy little family.

Being together this long is no easy feat.

It is not as simple as “just don’t give up.” Every day is its own small thing. There is always something to solve together. It could be paying down debt, who is taking Daphne to gymnastics, what new show are we going to commit to binging, or how do we advocate for our kids’ needs at school.

Marriage is fixing and deciding these things together. You pick someone that you want to do the hard stuff with, and then the good stuff is the bonus part. These decisions become more impactful when you choose someone to share them with.

We have learned that everything happens one step at a time. We didn’t just all of a sudden become married over a decade. It was a lot of little commitments to each other over the years to get here.

We still have the ability to surprise each other. Both of us are still striving every day to be better than we were the day before. So in a sense, we have never gotten truly comfortable and said this is good enough. We are still learning about each other and ourselves. We have both gone to counseling, and we are constantly looking for opportunities for growth. We make an effort with each other every day to connect in some way. And for us that is the only way that this has been successful.

15 years ago, many people considered our success a long shot (or a no shot). Just a summer romance that would sizzle out. But here we are coming off of a vacation with three kids happier than ever. Eleven years married and many more ahead!

June 18, 2021 by Stephanie

Year 10

A decade.

WOW.

As I look back on this year and the years before, it seems like we have been together a lifetime. A decade can really feel that way.

This year alone has felt like a lifetime for sure. As with many years, we experienced every part of our wedding vows: for better or worse, in sickness and in health…

George finished kindergarten and started sports, Daphne has really blossomed in gymnastics, and Walter is well figuring out how to be. Our family feels complete with these three, and it has been a joy to watch them together this year. Walter being born is definitely on the highlight reel!

Tom finally found a police department that fits him and his career goals. It was a long road here, and looking back to this time last summer we weren’t sure if he would ever get there. But he is happy to be in a place that is community action based and respects the work that each other do. It doesn’t hurt that he works where we live either!

My job has been a whirlwind of transitions over the last year. The pandemic in higher ed was interesting to say the least. I not only learned how to teach a class remotely, I also found this extra flexibility with working from home while pregnant and then post-partum. I had to navigate managing an office and learning a new team of my peers as there was constant leadership changes around us. Through all of it, I really feel like I am coming into my own as a leader on campus, and I am excited with what my team is doing, but also the college as well.

It still seems like a fresh wound, but losing Grace and Crosby is notably one of the worst experiences we have had as a couple. We both are still trying to muddy through the feelings we have as we settle into a no-dog household. There are so many things that were just natural around our house that now seems odd that they are gone. Walking this together though has made it a little less crippling.

As I reflect though on the last ten years, I would say that this is the most settled we have ever felt. Over our time together, there seemed to be always these things that we were waiting or hoping for. We have always been trying to direct our lives in a certain way, and this is what they call the good ol’ days I would imagine. We have everything that we hoped for, maybe not exactly how we planned out, but we are finally in a rhythm that makes sense and fits us.

So Tom and I thought we would think back on our marriage and share some thoughts on making it to this milestone.

Biggest surprise since we’ve been married:

Hands down, finding out we were pregnant with George was the biggest surprise of our marriage, and our lives honestly. To go from having conversations about infertility and trying for a while to grow our family, to all of a sudden see a baby on ultrasound monitor was wild. If you haven’t heard this story, I promise it is worth the read!

Hardest lesson learned:

There is a lot to unpack here from the last ten years.

The life that we thought were the right things just weren’t, and some were actually pretty devastating for us. Both of us had severe disappointments with our career paths, and at those low moments we thought we would never be happy in a work place setting. We also had talked a long time about only having two kids and that was our vision at the beginning of our marriage, but here we are loving on Walter. God is in control, and we have had to pray on believing this many times over.

We have also had to learn a lot about figuring out what we need to worry about and figuring out what it means to create our own family unit. Combining two different people to create this new thing came with it’s own struggles. We had to learn a lot about when to prioritize our own needs and then our family needs and how that all can be a mess to mix together.

With that, what has been difficult as you become these life partners is not only dealing with your own life grief and disappointment, but then having to manage this other person, and then our kids emotions as well. Both of us had a pretty rocky moment in our jobs that really shook us to our core, and to have to watch that unfold while being helpless to fix it is really gut-wrenching. We had to learn a lot about just being there for each other. But our individual problems do become each others problems, and there is extreme weight in that because you aren’t just managing your own feelings anymore. It is hard lesson to learn when it is ok to be selfish but when do you have to not be. There is some beauty in this for sure, which is why marriage is great, but it is shocking at times how your feelings unfold together.

Favorite thing to do together:

We love to just jump in the car and go to random places to “window” shop. Personally, I love when plant shopping is involved. It’s nice for us to just get away from the house and talk and move through stores leisurely.

We also love binge-watching shows. Becoming one with the couch while playing rummy and eating snacks while watching the Office is one of the most stress-relieving things.

Obviously, we really live on the edge…

What is something we haven’t figure out yet:

While we have been married for 10 years, and together for 14, we still haven’t completely figured out our communication styles. Both of us are stubborn and like to be on the “right” side, so we can fight pretty hard. Tom also said that he doesn’t always know what he wants so how am I supposed to figure that out, but then the expectation is there to hear each other out. I also have a really hard time apologizing to him, which is not helpful ever. We have also grown and changed over our time together, so sometimes we think we have each other figured out but something is different that we have to make new adjustments to. But on the plus side, our arguments are usually pretty quick and move it out of our systems, so I guess we are a work in progress!

Favorite thing about the other person:

Tom said that I am patient and very forgiving, and that he is still 100% twitterpated. I love Tom’s commitment to things. When he goes in on something, he goes in 1000%. And his level of loyalty is unmatched.

Advice for other couples:

I don’t think that any relationship is the same, nor would I ever say that we have it all figured out. Like I said we still struggle with communication a lot of the times, but we try every day to do better. We do have a couple nuggets of advice though.

We believe that you should be such an advocate for your marriage. There should be no question that this is your priority. It requires both of us to be all in and be the ones rooting for each other. We have to be pursing each other every day.

In order to do that though, we know that we have to take the time to be right with ourselves. Both of us have gone to counseling so we can be the best version of ourselves for each other and our family. This may take a lot of work but as the saying goes you have to take care of yourself in order to take care of others. With this takes recognition and support from your partner to do this work and find ways to support this individual growth. We have taken a lot of pride in making space for our self care and finding the right careers so we can be happy in all spaces.

Finally, and certainly not least, sleep in the same bed but have separate comforters. Sleep is so important, but we have different needs when it comes to our comfort and one of us is a burrito roller in blankets (me), so we learned early on that separate blankets made everything more enjoyable. Hands down, relationship saving advice.

It’s hard to believe at times that we met as 22 year olds at an amusement park. It feels like we have had so many lives together: grad school, living in Iowa, deployment and Fort Campbell, moving to our home state, and welcoming three babies into the world…

Here we are 10 years into marriage with this most amazing life. So here’s to many more decades together!

June 18, 2019 by Stephanie

Year 8

Today Tom and I are celebrating EIGHT years of marriage.Holy Wow!

This is one of our first photos together twelve years ago, and we had no idea what was ahead.

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Eight years later we have experienced the marriage bliss, but things haven’t been all rainbows this year.

This has been a year of transitions.

We have been watching our kids transition.

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George started gymnastics and soccer. This forced transition on all of us. I had to let go of him more, and he had to learn structure with the new found freedom. This was a whole new adventure for us as parents. We also embarked on getting him enrolled in pre-school which is huge for him. I struggled more than I could have imagined with my little man growing up and out, and Tom as usual was a good balance to my anxiety.

Daphne transitioned from a baby to a toddler. We were concerned about her speech this past spring because she just wasn’t talking and only communicated in grunts and minimal sign language. However since birth, Daphie has operated on her own timeline and we are just all along for the ride. We got her assessed by a speech therapist a few months ago, and there were many emotions that went along with that testing. She did not qualify, which now isn’t even a concern because girl can say the whole alphabet (and identify the letters), all her colors, and has started counting, amongst all the other day to day words she now says.

And a man who indulges me in my need to have themes for our kids’ Halloween costumes is a keeper. We are on 4 years strong of famous Georges and 2 years of influential women.

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We watched two of our best friends transition into marriage. We could not have been more blessed to stand beside them on their days. It was also special for us since it was our first alone trips away from both kids.

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We transitioned into the time of our lives (finally) where we start making more permanent holiday traditions. We hosted our first 4th of July shin dig which is something we have been dreaming of since we first got together.

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We are slowly transitioning our house into a homestead. We now have chickens and a garden full of produce. These have made us stronger despite the fact that the garden sometimes makes us angry with each other. Tom keeps trying to make us farmers, and I keep reminding him that we are in fact not farmers. We do have 4 chickens, an orchard with 12 trees and 3 blackberry bushes, a corn “field,” a pumpkin patch, and 6 different vegetable beds. So there’s that…

Last summer, Tom switched jobs. While he is still in law enforcement, his job looks much different than he ever expected. While he lost some of the adrenaline rush and community influence he loved about being a street cop, he gained back his health and valuable time with his family. There is also something to be said about removing yourself from a toxic environment, which was where he was previously. We gained a static routine and he gained bedtimes with the kids. We have officially had more lunches together this year than we have in our entire marriage. It has been hard for Tom to leave the road and the shift work, but he started putting our family first. But even with the added time back with our family, things haven’t been easy for him, and there are many late night talks about where he wants to be and the choices to make. It’s been a hard path to the right end. It might not feel like we are in the right place all the time, but he knows he is right where he needs to be.

With this transition though, it has allowed us more freedom. We have been trying to find our place as a family within our community whether that is with friends or with our church. We aren’t having to add this whole other element of what the shift work did to our family.

Our marriage has transitioned into a comfortable relationship in all the best ways. We have had to put in the work to get here though. I heard this phrase sometime this year, “Marriage is a practice, not an institution. Love has to be renewed every day.” This has rang true this year. You hear a lot that a marriage is a 50/50 partnership, but I would say that we both have to be giving 100%. If one of us loses we both lose. So we each have to be giving our all to this marriage. While we are partners in this life, we both have to go all in and show our whole selves otherwise this won’t work. There may be times that one of us is struggling, however even in the struggle we need to be giving our whole self to be transparent about our feelings and needs even in those down times. There is no way for us to fully support each other without that openness and willingness to let each other see all of us. The good and the sad. So it is not an institution where we just show up when we want to and claim it as it is. It is something we have to get in to every single day and commit to constantly. There are ebbs and flows as with most things, but we commit 100% each day. Because of this comfortable relationship, we have been able to be there for each other because we feel the safety from each other and know that we can fall into each other despite our flaws.

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