December 31, 2014 by Stephanie

Fit For Me

It’s almost a new year, and with that comes all the hype about working out and getting fit.

This is the first year that I am going to jump in on that New Year’s resolution hype.

I have always been thin and seemingly in shape. But the thing about being thin is that everyone assumes that you are in shape and fit.

Y’all, I can’t even go up stairs without breathing heavy at the end. I want to crawl on the floor in the fetal position sometimes the burn is so overwhelming. Drag me to my next location please.

I have lived a fairly active lifestyle. I played basketball from elementary school up to high school. I ran track for most of high school. Then I played intramurals in college. Once I had my first professional job, I signed up for a gym membership and that is when my relationship with racing began.

Then I got pregnant. My habits of running and doing general exercise went out the window because of all the bedrest notices I received. I still can’t believe that I walked a half marathon 19 weeks pregnant due to all the issues I had from the morning sickness, hormone therapy, and blood pressure/pre-eclampsia.

All that aside, I feel really fortunate that after giving birth it was not even days after that I was back at my pre-pregnancy weight. I know I am lucky in that, but that doesn’t mean that things haven’t shifted. I still have a cuople pairs of pants that refuse to get back on these new hips.

To be honest after a year of not really working out much, I just don’t feel good. I feel like mush and sluggish most days. I don’t feel like I know my own body. There are parts that I don’t even recognize as my own.This has caused a whole host of issues that I won’t begin to delve into here. Just know I have been on the struggle bus.

For the past year, I have felt that my body belonged to someone else. I was George’s incubator for 9ish months, and now I am his food bank.I have really been feeling that my body is no longer mine.

Yes it has done great things, and I can acknowledge that. I mean I pushed a human out after growing said human, and now I am feeding that human with this body. However, I want it to be mine again too. I want to feel good about myself and not feel like I am at the mercy of George. Although I will do anything for that kid, and I feel absolutely blessed that I am his mom and could carry him. However, I don’t want to forget about my health just because I am a mom.

It is just time that I start focusing on my body for me. I know I feel better (mood and energy wise) when I work out. I want that me time again, and I just haven’t been able to put the time in as much as I had in the past consistently with everything that has gone on in the last 4 months. It seemed like I would have a few good days where I could get a workout in then something would change, and I had to rethink my approach. Such is life right?

Now is as good a time as ever to refocus and make this a priority.

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So here is my goal. I am going to do a workout journal for the first time ever. (Ok maybe not the first, but every other dozen times I have done it, the entries stop happening after 1 or 2 workouts.) I want to document for the next year (yes the next 52 weeks) how I am doing with my goals. I am hoping by sharing with you here on the blog, I can be more accountable to those goals and keep a checklist (because I know myself and a checklist is the key to my success) of what I need to do. I thought about whether to recap once a week or a month, but a month gives me time to stray from the commitment. I need a more structured approach, and a week keeps me thinking short term. I don’t have a weight or a measurement in mind of where I want to be in a year. I am just hoping to see improvements in my stamina and flexibility. (However, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I didn’t want to fit into those pairs of pants.) My goals are going to be in small weekly or month increments. S.M.A.R.T. goals people. In reality though, I just want to be fit.

I want to be fit for me.

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So I am jumping in big with a commitment to log weekly about my workout adventures.

While I am doing this to focus on my own fitness and be accountable to my personal goals, I hope that this opens up a community of support for finding your own definition of fit too. We could all use the encouragement!

My goal for this next week is to work out at least 3 times.

What does fit mean to you? Do you have workout goals for 2015?

December 29, 2014 by Stephanie

George Does Christmas…Because We Made Him

We survived George’s first Christmas. We are all holidayed out.

We actually didn’t do anything crazy for him, besides putting him in a different “holiday” outfit each time we had a family gathering. Anyone surprised that my kid will have matching outfits to coordinate with the day’s events?

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Being only four months old combined with lots of traveling gave us the excuse of not going all crazy about baby’s first Christmas. Which is fine, there were other things to stress about. Other people bought us baby’s first Christmas ornaments– is this a mommy fail or a mommy win?

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Next Christmas though, thoughts are already brewing on how to share the Christmas spirit and start traditions with Georgie Man. It will also be the first Christmas that Tom and I will be able to start our traditions as a family and not have to travel way far (now it is a 3 hour drive max to family) or have some momentous event happening (like leaving the Army). So hopefully big things will happen to our Christmas cheer next year.

George seemed uninterested this year anyway…

He took sitting on a stranger’s lap like a boss. Not even phased…

We took pictures and opened his gifts.

Still not phased.

He just wanted to sleep, eat and poop. So by his accounts he really did this Christmas up! Check, check and check. (And can I get in on this kind of holiday?)

Extra bonus that he got a giant elephant rocker in the process, which he will be excited about in about 4 months.

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While this isn’t a Christmas he will remember, it for sure will be one that we as his parents will not forget.

And we have pictures to prove just how darn cute he was.

George and Cousin Addy

George and Cousin Ava

I have a kit to do his hand print as an ornament. I should get on that.

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A family who wears headbands together sticks together. Holiday Spirit!!!

December 29, 2014 by Stephanie

Talks with Tom #34

I have mentioned our quest for George’s pacies on many occasions.

Seriously they just disappear into thin air.

We had this conversation a few days ago during one of George’s daily games of “Make Mom and Dad Chase the Pacy.”

The pacy had fallen out about a half a dozen times in a 5 minute span. And of course George starts pouting until we get the pacy that HE spit out on purpose.

Tom-I’m going to put a rubber band around your head so you can’t spit it out.

Me-We should get croakies for the pacy like they have for glasses.

Tom-What would we call it? We could call it a pokey.

Me-I don’t think that would be appropriate.

Tom-Yea I immediately realize how bad it is is to strap something called a pokey to a child’s face.

We received a pacy clip thing for Christmas so hopefully that will end the chase game that happens on the daily basis in our house. And maybe we won’t keep losing those things.

We haven’t seen this pacy probably since this picture was taken two weeks after he was born…

December 26, 2014 by Stephanie

George-4 Months

This month was a big month for little man!

Weight: 13 lbs and about 24 inches.

Health: He still looks like he is in pain sometimes when he goes number 2. Other than that though, he seems pretty healthy. He doesn’t have quite the issue with spit up any more. It happens a couple times a day, but it is usually small dribbles and mostly is only when I breastfeed him. He has his 4 month check up after the holidays so we will see what she has to say about him. We are seeing someone new, so hopefully we like our new pediatrician as much as our one in Clarksville.

Diet: He has six feedings a day. Five of them are breastmilk, and the last one of the day is formula. As I described in my pumping experience, we had to add formula to the routine because I was not making enough breastmilk. Thank you for all the advice and support I have received over the past couple days. I have a few things I am going to try to hopefully increase my supply and my productivity at work from some of the wisdom shared with me.

Clothes: We are sitting pretty in the 3 month range. Some 0-3 month items are getting too snug and some 3 month stuff is too big. We are not even close to fitting in 3-6 month stuff.

Sleeping: This has been all over the place. I usually read him a bed time story and rock him to droopy land. Then I put him in his crib where he generally falls asleep. Then about 15 minutes later he has lost his pacy, and he starts crying. Tom will then repeat the rocking and talking him to sleep. At this time for the most part, he falls asleep for the night. Occasionally, he doesn’t make it all through the night, and Tom will attend to him. (I will be honest that I haven’t heard him stir before 4:30 myself. I am in my own sleepyland.) There have been a couple nights where he ends up in bed with us or I fall asleep with him in the rocker because he just isn’t having the solo crib life. He does sleep a lot at the sitter’s, so I am not really sure if that is affecting his sleep at night or not. She tries waking him up but he puts on his cranky pants and refuses to stay up.

Likes: He LOVES his pacy, but this kid needs to learn to put it in his own mouth. We are always chasing that thing because he spits it across the room. You think I am exaggerating on the “across the room” bit, but sadly I am not. I think he thinks it is a game that we are playing. And seriously, someone please tell me where the Pacy Abyss is. We are always losing them… He loves talking with his Daddy. They are just too much cuteness together! We discovered the Baby First channel this past week. He watches a couple shows in the morning while Tom and I get ready. He will sit and coo back at the characters. It is so cute to hear his giggles and Oooos to the little animals on the screen. Our favorites are Tilly Knock Knock and VocabuLARRY. These are the two he responds to the most, which is perfect that they are right when I get ready. They are only 10-15 minute clips so they are perfect for that 20 minutes that I need to get ready for the day. And I then sing the songs for the remainder of the day…

Dislikes: He hates being burped right now. He will shriek when we try to do this until we put the bottle back in his mouth or give him his pacy. He is getting better at tummy time. He can lift his head up like a cobra yoga pose. But after a minute or two of lifting, he is done and will let you know it. His tummy time is funny though because it seems like he is lifting his rear end up more than his head in a superman type fashion, like upside down leg lifts.

Milestones: He can hold his head up on his own now, and he sits up pretty well if propped up. No more slouching here! He is really getting more chatty. Both Tom and I usually have a chat session with him a couple times a day. We also had to take him out of church a couple weeks ago because he decided it was a good time to test out his new sounds with his dad. He stays awake more in the car too and will coo at the music on the radio. He started doing raspberries and humming this last week. You can tell he is really learning how to use those chops more and more. He doesn’t really laugh yet; we get giggle chortles right now. I think a full on laugh is coming soon though. His smiles are really just the best. He smiles at me every night when he realizes it is me picking him up from the sitter. (I have to hold back tears of joy every day.) He met soooo many people this last month from his great-grandparents, to old friends, to people at work and church…he was Mr. Sociable this month. He also met Santa and was unimpressed. This may not be a milestone to others, but this is huge in our household: We don’t cry anymore at lotion!!! My eardrums are being saved, and George is actually smiling now when I lather him up. We are fairly certain that he may be teething. He has been a little crankier than normal and is a hot drooly mess.

Quirks: He smiles with his pacy on. Any pair of pants he wear (no matter how long they are) end up being short on him. He wants to be a summer baby all year round. He will stick his hand up your short sleeve when you are holding him and hold onto your shoulder.

We parents are: making it. This month was a rough one for the Whitener parents. We had a lot of stress on our plates, and well it was just a hard month for us. George was not the root of any of it just to be clear. Both Tom and I are routine people, and it has been a little awful without some continuity from day to day. And it is just a busy time in general with the holidays pulling us in a lot of different directions. Oh yea and we moved into a new house and both have new jobs. But we are bouncing back and getting more settled every day. I just need to let go of some of my control issues…Tom started his new job this week so it is so great to see him so pumped and excited again.

The dogs are: four this week! If you follow me on IG, you can see a lot more of their relationship with George blossoming. Grace is just in love with him, and she tries to shower him with kisses anytime she can. (Or she is trying to help clean up George drool.) George also reached out and pet Crosby for the first time the other day. I will just be over here melting away from all the cuteness.

December 23, 2014 by Stephanie

Pump It Up

I am here to chronicle my pumping journey. As a working mom, I had to decide if I wanted to continue our breastfeeding adventure once I returned to work.

For me it was pretty simple: I want to keep providing George with breastmilk as long as I can.

Since we had to pump quite a bit his first month of life due to his early arrival situation, I knew that transitioning back to it wouldn’t be that difficult.

I just had to figure out how it would fit into my new work schedule.

There are laws protecting women in the workplace who decide to pump, meaning that they have to let you do it. But there is still cause to worry. Will my colleagues be understanding? Will it cut down on my productivity/availability? How will I fit this in my schedule? Will it become too much?

Luckily my colleagues have all been super accepting and understand fully what I am going through. They both have kids of their own and know this is something that I need to do. I just have to kindly remind them when I need my mother break. I feel really lucky that they have been fully supportive and help me in whatever way they can to make sure I get my time.

As far as my productivity and availability, this has been the hardest thing for me to adjust to. I take three pumping breaks a day, which leaves me practically useless for those half hour spans of time. I am fortunate to be able to pump in my own office so I can still do minimal work on my computer. I would say it is not super productive since I can only type with one hand (although my speed is increasing.) I don’t have one of those fancy bras that holds the cups in place, so I have to physically hold it with my hand for the duration of the pump. I try to save more reading tasks or phone calls for these times to maximize what I can do since I am limited to one hand.

But I cannot meet with anyone. It hasn’t been a huge problem yet since I have still been in training mode and our student contact dies down at the end of the semester. I do worry though once next semester hits, and I have back to back meetings and need to be available to students. I don’t want to seem unapproachable or hard to meet with due to my blocks of time.

I ~~had~~ have a lot of guilt that I am not doing my job the best I can because I have to take these timeouts. I know that this is the best for George, but I also feel a strong sense of responsibility to do the best at my job. Sometimes, I feel an immense amount of guilt because I have to hide myself away for an hour and a half a day to do something personal.

Which leads into my schedule. So far I have only had one day that I have not been able to do all three of my breaks. I do worry that this will happen the more I get involved and more things I need to tend to. The day it happened I had 3 meetings back to back in different places around campus and was not able to make it back in time to pump. I learned that I will need to be more vigilant about moving my pumping schedule around so people don’t schedule my time on my calendar. Unfortunately, I know there will be times when those meetings are out of my control. I feel that as long as I make sure I have 2 pumps a day, I can make it work. But ideally I need to have three to keep up with George’s feeding the best way possible.

I am so glad that I have my own office to escape to for my breaks. I can leave my pump somewhat set up under my desk, which is nice not to have to break it down each time. My first day here they didn’t have blinds on my window yet, which is a floor to ceiling window looking into a lobby. I had to go to the community breastfeeding closet that day. This would have really eaten into my schedule because the one room they have designated for breastfeeding moms is not in my building. So I would have to walk two buildings over (luckily they are connected by a breezeway), climb three flights of stairs, and hope the room wasn’t occupied. Then I would have to set up and break down each time. That travel time and set up alone would add 15 minutes to the already 30 minutes I was taking. Plus there is no computer in that room, so in order to work, I would have to lug my work station with me. Needless to say the blinds were installed on my office window on my second day so I only had one day of that to deal with. Whew. I do not take this luxury lightly!

Funny story: Even though I have blinds and a locked door, I did have someone walk in on me a couple weeks back. It was a maintenance man who did not heed my “I am busy” when he knocked. He got more than he bargained for when he unlocked that door. I am still not sure why he needed in my office because I had no work orders out and he never came back to do what he intended in the first place. I was really mad at first but looking back, I can only laugh at his facial expression when he realized what was going on.

Anyway, besides all the professional questions, you think about all the mom things: Am I going to make enough? Is George going to be more used to a bottle now and will we have problems breastfeeding?

I don’t make enough milk. There it is. I feel like a failure sometimes when I think about it. It just is what it is though. I have tried taking supplements and eating all the lactation cookies to increase my supply, which helped, but ultimately I was not keeping up with George’s demand. He is pretty greedy with the bottle. I average around 3 oz each complete session and George drinks 3-5 oz each feeding. Do the math; I got behind fast…We had to make a choice, and we recently decided to feed George formula for his last feeding of the night. This was for two reasons. One, he was no longer sleeping through the night, and I was having to wake up at 2/3am to feed him. We were hoping if we fed him formula it would get him through the entire night since all the readings say it keeps them full longer. And two, it gave me the opportunity to pump at night and stock up extra milk for the sitter. So we have been doing that for a little more than a week now, and it has really changed everyone’s mood. We are all sleeping through the night for the most part (we still have our nights), and we now have enough for him to drink breastmilk all day. For now.

There was a lot of anxiety on my part for this one. Tom and I had several conversations that we were going to do this, and it still took me a couple days to actually pull the trigger on the formula. I still feel guilty that I wasn’t able to do it 100% longer, but we made it 3.5 months. I know that formula is not bad. Goodness I was only formula fed and I am just fine. I think though that there is just so much pressure these days to be mom who breastfeeds, and then you put a lot on yourself as a mom if you can’t succeed in that. I just need to remember to look at the whole situation; his primary sustenance is still breastmilk and again formula is keeping lots of babies perfectly healthy. We ultimately were going to have to end up doing formula somewhere because the reality was I was not making enough to fill him up. The plus side is that now Tom can be more involved with feeding because he is in charge of that bedtime feeding now. That gives them some time to bond that I was previously hogging (unintentionally).

We also did have a few problems with breastfeeding before the big switch to formula that began shortly after I started working. George did not want the boob. He would kick and fight me the whole time, and I was so distraught. But yet he would have no problems with a bottle. Apparently they go through cycles and this happens, but I had firmly decided that it was because of pumping and “abandoning” my baby at feeding time. “All my fault” was flashing in big neon lights in my head. I just need to get over myself on this one-it’s a daily battle friends.

I really just need a reminder that there are going to be little troubles, but we will make the best decision that we can within the means that we have. I need to accept that. He is healthy and being fed and that is what matters.

So I pump more than I breastfeed now. We do breastfeed completely on the weekends, besides that last feeding. It is nice for me to catch up on all the missed feedings with him. I honestly think that pumping has made me cherish those times we do breastfeed a little more.

And I cherish the fact that there are less dishes to do on the weekend. Like super cherish. I hate doing those silly dishes.

I have to wash pump parts every single night to keep up. (I have 6 pump parts, and I am ~~adament~~ stubborn about buying more even though I pump 4 times a day.) Those are 15-30 minutes I wish I had back every day, but I am too paranoid to leave it to the dishwasher to get clean.

Other things that are handy for pumping at work:

It is vital that you have a good pump. I have a Medela, and I love it. (As much as you can love a suction cup machine)
Burp cloth or hand towel-I keep a burp cloth in my bag because it is inevitable that I will spill/spray milk every where.
Cooler/access to fridge- My pump came with a little cooler and ice pack, which I use everyday to transport the milk. I am lucky that we have access to a fridge in my office, otherwise I would probably invest in a mini-fridge to store the milk throughout the day. Although it would still be nice to have a fridge in my office again.
Water and snacks-I am thirsty and hungry ALL. THE. TIME. I pack my lunch bag with extra snacks to have for these pumping sessions. I also make sure that my water bottle is full before every session so I can stay hydrated.
Nursing pads-These are just a must so you don’t leak through your work clothes. I use the Target brand, and I have never had a problem with leaking out of them.
Ziplock bags-I keep two bags to keep all the clean and dirty parts separated in my bag.

I don’t wear a nursing bra because I found them too cumbersome. I am still managing with a sports bra and cami everyday and then just roll it up when I need to pump. It does somewhat limit my wardrobe, but I am making it work. This is the most comfortable for me. I do miss all my dresses though…

There are times that I wonder if this (the pumping, the washing, the preparing) is worth it. Pumping only 3 oz each time can be really discouraging. There is a conversation a few times a week about whether we should continue. In the end though, what I am able to supply is a huge blessing. Whatever I can give is good for George.

Just saying, it is also nice on our wallet to keep pumping. Even with only one feeding of formula a day, I feel like we are just zipping through this container of formula.

You have to always be re-evaluating this nursing experience. Your situation and baby’s needs are going to make things change, so you have to be ready to evolve with what is going on. It can be really stressful at times. For me, it was in those moments that I realized we needed to do something different because it was not healthy for any of us to continue down that path. So adjustments are made and you move on to the next thing.

Which is teething…oh buddy.

Do you have experience pumping at work or know anyone who does? Did you have struggles? What are your tips? Did you feel like a bag lady going into work everyday?