He Has My Heart

 It was two years ago today that we heard George’s heart beat for the first time.

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Two whole years since we found out we were going to be parents.

As I laid there in tears on that cold table in our fertility doctor’s office, I was overwhelmed with the possibilities but yet I was finally at peace after trying so long.

So much has changed since that day that it is hard to believe it has only been two years.  It was such a turning point in our lives.

We are no longer in the Army. We have moved two times. We both have new jobs. We bought a house.

And George…

Well, George is answered prayers.

That was such a low time in our lives, and hearing that heartbeat was hearing God say, “I am here. Have faith. I have plans for you.”

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Every day I am so grateful that God chose me to be George’s mom.

We have learned countless lessons over the past 2 years. We are different people because of that little guy.

I still remember being scared and anxious waiting to be pregnant. The trials of having wacked out hormones that made the process more difficult than I could ever have imagined on top of having to time out everything with the Army’s schedule. I remember mourning every month my period arrived or when others announced their own pregnancies. There was one particular night I remember being paralyzed on the stairs, trying to pull myself together and get the ugly cry off my face before I told Tom that once again our “efforts” didn’t work. I remember trying to be strong when I had lost hope and felt weak.

Then two years ago, the news came out of no where. And George has been keeping us guessing ever since.

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I knew I wanted to be a mom my whole life, to the point in the years that we were trying, my heart physically ached for the opportunity. It is still hard for me to open up about the emotions I went through, even to my husband. Blaming my body for not doing what it was supposed to do naturally.  Guilt over being upset about someone else’s pregnancy. Defeated when having to answer the question over and over again of when we planned on having kids and having to shrug off that we had “failed” once more. Embarrassed because we were never open about the fact that we had been trying for so long. Not wanting people to know that we were trying because then I would feel even more pressure, so I felt that I was living someone else’s life when I said “we were waiting to have kids.” Shame and loss day in and day out. I will never forget the crippling sadness.

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Those feelings are part of me and our journey. This journey brought me closer to my husband, and closer to God. I prayed every day for strength and learned how to trust Him like I never had before. This time taught me how to lean on God and live through the uncertainty. As rough as that time was, I am able to cherish the journey because I believe because of it I am closer to George. I want to do right by him because of the struggle we went through to get here.

Every day I feel blessed that God had George in our plans. My heart swells even more since he is now here. That waiting was God preparing my  heart to grow exponentially for this person we were creating. He is the gift I knew I wanted, but never could understand the greatness until he was delivered. Being a mom opened up emotions that I can’t even put into words. I believe that the pain that it took to get here makes feelings of bliss and cheer wash over me like a tidal wave now that I am his mom. Sometimes I sit here and cry watching him with pure joy that he is really ours. What a gift we were given, and every day my heart explodes with pride and love over being a witness to this little boy’s life. Ending up with this family was worth everything we went through.

So on this Valentine’s Day, I do celebrate love. I celebrate love because two years ago, God gave me such a big reason to love with all that I am.

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Two years ago, George stole my heart when I heard his.

And I gladly give it to him again and again.

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Bachelor Thoughts of the Week

Here is what I thought about this week’s episode.

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  • I am torn on the Olivia issue. On one hand I do get her perspective that she isn’t there to make friends. She is there for Ben. But on the other hand, it does make you wonder how she is with people in real social settings.
  • Leah’s meltdown.Really? No words.
  • This week makes me want to go back to the Caribbean so bad.
  • I am so confused by Caila’s one on one. There has to be a lot they didn’t show.
  • Tom thought we should have them fight sharks to see if they are really committed.
  • SWIMMING PIGS!!! This is the best date ever.
  • Becca is my favorite this week. She is just real and honest.
  • Leah back talking Lauren B. is just sad and pathetic. Where did that come from? Why is she surprised she is going home? She is lying to everyone. Karma sister friend.
  • So Olivia is the first to say “I love you” if we don’t count the Spanish lesson. And then she was crushed….Watching her face go from elated to heartbroken is what this show is made of. I really feel for her though. She just looks devastated, and then to make her watch Emily get the rose. I mean they just left her to just stand there staring at the ocean….

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  • I liked Lauren H, but I think there were obvious other people for him. Maybe she will be on Paradise.
  • Hopefully Lauren B. can clear the air here soon. I really enjoy her.
  • Ok did anyone else catch that Emily said she just met Ben’s parents. So does that mean she is one of the final two? Isn’t that usually how meeting the Bachelor’s parents goes? She was not who I thought would be in the final two.

My picks after this week are Becca and JoJo in the final two, with Caila and Lauren next.

Do you watch the show? What are your thoughts?

Shift Work

I get asked all the time about Tom’s job. One of the main questions is “What shift is he on?”

There are some departments that have their officers permanently on a shift. Fortunately or unfortunately depending how you look at it, Tom’s department switches every month.

Typically, he works four days on and four days off. Sometimes it is five days on and three days off. They are all ten hour shifts. However, due to the nature of the job, sometimes the shift turn into 12+ hour shifts due to the calls.

So it feels like our schedule is always changing, which as a family can be hard to adjust to some days. It is also not a job that is M-F. He works weekends a lot. So even if we are on the same schedule we may not have the same days off. It is super fun to make plans. We have been trying to have some friends over for dinner for the past 6 months…

Do you want to know what I think the pros and cons are of every shift? If not, then you should probably go somewhere else today.

Most of these statements are family oriented, but the italicized are Tom’s thoughts on the cop side of things.

Let’s start with my favorite shift:  the Day shift. This shift is from 6:45am-4:45pm.

Day Pros

  • Tom is home every evening. We get to eat dinner, do bedtime routines with George, hangout, and go to bed at the same time.
  • Tom can actually do Dad stuff and not be pressed for time to get ready for work. George is the most active in the evening, so they can actually interact.
  • Tom does George’s bath. I hate doing the bath, so it is nice that Tom likes to have that one on one time with Gdubs.
  • We have the same sleep cycle, so we aren’t interrupting each other. Even if he is up on the weekends for work, generally I am getting up at that time for George, so it’s not a huge bother.
  • I don’t have to cook for 1.5 people, so we have actually real meals.
  • Tom’s days off are more productive because they are a “normal” schedule to do errands or housework.
  • Tom likes to work day shift because there are a lot of people out so there is always a call or something to do. The shift goes by fairly quickly.
  • Tom also likes it because his sleep time isn’t ruined by court proceedings. Again this goes back to the day shift being a “normal” close to 9-5 schedule with the rest of the world.

Day Cons

  • Tom is super chipper when he wakes up. I need a lot of quiet time to warm up to the day. So unfortunately I am a little short and grumpy with him at times with my half-asleep self.
  • We get up within minutes of each other, so we have to take shorter showers to make sure we have enough hot water for each of our turns.
  • The dogs are alone a lot on this shift since we are both working at the same times. We have had very minimal issues since moving to this house, but it still is sad they are home alone a lot.
  • Because we are up at the same time, Tom and I end up eating breakfast together. This is normally when I do my daily devotional, so I rarely get this done because my lovely husband is a chatterbox and I get distracted.
  • Tom hates this shift because he hates the daylight. He has severe light sensitivity. Thank you Army.
  • Tom isn’t fond of this shift because it is really hard to be sneaky in a cop car when it’s light outside.
  • He also says that it takes forever to get anywhere in the cop car during the day even with lights and sirens because the traffic volume is so high.
  • Along with the traffic volume, it does make it harder to find bad guys.

Evening shift is the devil. It is our least favorite one, and I honestly don’t know how other people do this shift all the time. This shift is from 2pm-12am (Sun-Thurs), and Fri and Sat it is 4pm-2am. As you can see how that gets tricky when I am at work all day myself. But in the spirit of finding the good, I did come up with some positives for this shift.

Evening Pros

  • I get a lot of 1:1 time with George.
  • I have complete control over the remote
  • Tom always gets to work out with no rush to get home.
  • The work is a good mix between a high call volume (responsive calls) and self-initiated stops.
  • There is a lot of over time potential because of the timing of the shift and when things go awry.
  • We send goodnight selfies to Tom so he can still be part of our nightly routine. We have got some goodies. I should really put these all in an album.

Evening Cons

  • We can go 4 or 5 days without seeing each other. Granted there are nights that we talk to each other when Tom gets home between 2 or 4am, but let me remind you I am not the most engaging after being woken up. George literally will go a week without interacting with Tom. This will change some as he talks more and will be able to use the phone, but it is still hard when there is no face time for days on end.
  • On a related note, because he comes home when I am sleeping, usually I get woken by the sound of his boots on our wood floors or the dogs will inevitably bark at him trying to be a good security system. Tom then gets to sleep just a little before I wake up so I know George and I will interrupt his sleep with our morning routines.
  • Cooking for just myself and George is awful. Our food choices are pretty dismal during these weeks. George eats a lot of peanut butter sandwiches, and I have a lot of cereal. It is hard cooking for 1.5 people! Especially when one of them changes their food preferences every other minute.
  • Not to sound “woe is me,” but evenings are hard on me because I have no help in the parenting department when he is working. So where as on other shifts we can tag team, with this shift I am at it solo. Props to all the single parents out there.
  • I have to do George’s bath. I don’t know why I hate this activity, but it really stresses me out. And this kid needs a bath almost daily.

Midnight shift is not bad for George and I, and it is Tom’s favorite. The shift is from 9pm-7am.

Midnight Pros

  • We get to see each other every evening.
  • Most nights, Tom cooks dinner, and it is ready when we get home.
  • Tom still has time to do George’s bath as long as we stay timely.
  • Even though we get to have dinner together, once Tom goes to work and George is in bed, I still get some quality me time. Which is important for this introvert heart.
  • Also, I don’t have to share the bed with two dogs and a husband. The dogs generally will stay more on Tom’s side when he is working which is nice because they sometimes make me claustrophobic with their snuggling otherwise. They have to lay on top of me when Tom’s also in the bed.
  • The dogs are hardly every left alone since we are home at opposite times.
  • Tom is a night owl so this is the best shift for him with no daylight.
  • “Nothing good happens after midnight, unless you are a cop.”
  • Tom likes doing investigative police work instead of just all responses, and this shift leads to more time to do the self-initiated stuff.
  • The drugs.-Tom’s favorite thing to get off the street. They are more prevalent when it is dark outside.

Midnight Cons

  • When Tom is working on the weekends, George and I have a hard time staying quiet all day so he can sleep. We usually try to find stuff to do outside of the house, but it is hard to find free stuff in the dead of winter.
  • No one really understands his midnight schedule. The cable company will call at 2pm when he is sleeping. The mailman irritates the dogs while he is sleeping. The sun decides it wants to bath our bedroom in golden goodness while he is sleeping. So sleep is usually rough during this mouth because most of the world is inconsiderate to those who work nights.
  • Which leads into this statement-“You have tomorrow off right?” No he doesn’t have tomorrow off. He goes in at 9pm, gets off at 7am, then sleeps during the day to go back in tomorrow night at 9pm. Your day time is his sleep time which doesn’t mean he has it off to do your things.
  • God bless him, but on his days off Tom tries to cycle to our schedule so he can spend more time with George. (I have not asked him to do this. Tom just wants more family time.) Because he does this, he changes his cycle every couple of days which is hard on any body.
  • A slow night on midnights seem to be the longest days ever. They just drag on.

So there you have it. Just one couple’s perspective on cop life.

Changing shifts can be a little hard to manage. And I am sure that our pros and cons will change as George grows even though we may be more used to the life style.

I don’t think you ever really get used to being apart from your family. There are still a lot of things that Tom misses out on. I am not looking forward to the days when George is more aware of his absence and having to explain that. However, we have to be present and enjoy the times that he is off. And it does make for some pretty sweet moments.

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As always feel free to ask questions about our life as a law enforcement family. It is interesting to say the least!

35 Before 35 Update

And just like that, January just faded away…Let’s see how I am doing on my list.

1. Crochet something else besides blankets or scarves at least once a year (2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, 2020)

2. Do a photography challenge (Took pictures once a week George’s first year)

  • It has only taken me six months, but I finally put all the pictures from this challenge together in a video.

3. Visit 5 cities I have never been to before (8/5)

4. Tour at least one a winery, brewery, or distillery

5. Send at least 5 snail mail a month

6. Become a “professional” photographer

7. Run at least 10 races (any distance) (5/10)

  • I have officially signed up for two 5Ks this spring!

8. Go camping with Tom

9. Pay for the car behind me in a drive through

10. See Tyrone Wells live as many times as possible

11. Tour Fort Defiance here in Clarksville

12. Water ski with my dad

13. Do a 5K with my mom

14. Take a swing dance class with Tom

15. Read at least one fun book a month and one professional development book every three months

16. Take a pottery or stained glass class

17. Do one new recipe each month

  • Million Dollar Spaghetti-This was ok in my book. I think it needed more sauce. Tom raved about it, and wants me to make it every day.
  • Spaghetti Squash Chow Mein-This was also ok. I don’t think I had a big enough squash for the soy sauce ratio. It came out really salty. I did add chicken to it afterwards, and that really cut that down. I will make this again to try to get the ratio right.
  • Sausage Breakfast Muffins-These were super super easy to make. Everyone loved these.
  • Roasted Veggies-This was Tom’s comment when I put these on his plate. “Um so you ruined these but in the best way. They are crunchy and salty.” I told him they were supposed to be like that. It was a good change of pace off our normal steamed veggie routine. And it is super easy to put in the oven while you are cooking everything else for dinner.

18. See both a Clemson and UCM football game live

19. Find a place to volunteer on a regular basis

20. Go hiking

21. Ride in a hot air balloon

22. Go to at least 20 “new to me” restaurants. (30/20)

  • A friend and I went to Harpo’s for lunch. Typical bar food, but the ambiance reminded me of TD’s in Clemson. Missing Tigertown just a little.

23. Stay at a bed and breakfast

24. Spend a day without electronics (phone, t.v. and computer)

25. Do something unique and new for my birthdays

26. Explore Nashville while we live here

27. Watch at least 10 movies that I have not seen before that won Best Picture at the Oscars and at least 20 documentaries (not necessarily Oscar winning) Movies (3/10); Documentaries (7/20)

28. Sew an item of clothing from scratch

29. Do a personal devotional/bible study on my own

30. Be a mascot for an event

31. Go on our honeymoon (preferably somewhere tropical)

32. Host an annual NCAA Basketball Tournament Championship game party

33. Go on a mission trip

34. Be on a recreation volleyball team

35. Become a mom

I apparently did not do so hot this month besides cooking. However, getting that video done has been on my list since August, so that is something!

This Week on the Bachelor…

Here was what I was thinking on this week’s episode:

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  • Hot AIR BALLOONS! So Jealous! Could they just film Tom and I going on extravagant dates? Would people watch that? Tom is pretty entertaining. I, however…
  • The insecurities is why this show keeps on renewing-Olivia and Jubilee have got to lock it down.
  • Not sure why people are complaining about competing for Ben. Did you not know what you signed up for? This is a romance competition
  • Did anyone else find it awkward that they were learning to speak Spanish and they were saying ‘I love you’ to each other? Even pretending, I don’t know if that was the best move.
  • The interactions when they were picking partners at the cooking event…Yikes!
  • Emily got a little scary and threatening with the knife during the cooking interviews.
  • I don’t think that this is the right environment for Jubilee. I think she is an interesting woman, but I think the dramatics of the show just make her uncomfortable. It must be in her nature to put that guard up when she is scared, and she is just trying to defend her heart. And unfortunately for her, she is being filmed while she is wading through those emotions. I hope she finds what she needs!
  • Olivia lives in her own reality. They said her dish looked like dog poo, but she was sure they won.
  • Teen mom comment…painful to watch. My mouth dropped to the floor and I had even seen it in previews. Then Ben was trying to dig around the topic when he was talking with Olivia to see what she had done with the other women. I do really think she is a product of editing to some degree. Some she has brought on herself, but as I said last week, I feel the production team is highlighting her more awkwardly than any other ‘villan.’ All that aside, whether she was trying to connect with the women on some level or not, the teen mom comment was in bad taste.
  • NOOOOOOO to the cliff hangers. ABC you can’t do this to me. I just spent two hours waiting for the roses to be handed out, and now I have to wait a week to see who Ben chooses? Ridiculous. But also genius on your part because I will be back to watch. Who am I kidding I would be back regardless
  • If you watched Bachelor Live, you saw that Ben falls in love with the two final women and made a comment of making a mistake of letting one go. Are we going to have a repeat Jason Mesnick?

I think it will be Becca and JoJo at the end. Or maybe Lauren B. Those are my top three still. I do like Caila as well.

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