It was two years ago today that we heard George’s heart beat for the first time.
Two whole years since we found out we were going to be parents.
As I laid there in tears on that cold table in our fertility doctor’s office, I was overwhelmed with the possibilities but yet I was finally at peace after trying so long.
So much has changed since that day that it is hard to believe it has only been two years. It was such a turning point in our lives.
We are no longer in the Army. We have moved two times. We both have new jobs. We bought a house.
Well, George is answered prayers.
That was such a low time in our lives, and hearing that heartbeat was hearing God say, “I am here. Have faith. I have plans for you.”
Every day I am so grateful that God chose me to be George’s mom.
We have learned countless lessons over the past 2 years. We are different people because of that little guy.
I still remember being scared and anxious waiting to be pregnant. The trials of having wacked out hormones that made the process more difficult than I could ever have imagined on top of having to time out everything with the Army’s schedule. I remember mourning every month my period arrived or when others announced their own pregnancies. There was one particular night I remember being paralyzed on the stairs, trying to pull myself together and get the ugly cry off my face before I told Tom that once again our “efforts” didn’t work. I remember trying to be strong when I had lost hope and felt weak.
Then two years ago, the news came out of no where. And George has been keeping us guessing ever since.
I knew I wanted to be a mom my whole life, to the point in the years that we were trying, my heart physically ached for the opportunity. It is still hard for me to open up about the emotions I went through, even to my husband. Blaming my body for not doing what it was supposed to do naturally. Guilt over being upset about someone else’s pregnancy. Defeated when having to answer the question over and over again of when we planned on having kids and having to shrug off that we had “failed” once more. Embarrassed because we were never open about the fact that we had been trying for so long. Not wanting people to know that we were trying because then I would feel even more pressure, so I felt that I was living someone else’s life when I said “we were waiting to have kids.” Shame and loss day in and day out. I will never forget the crippling sadness.
Those feelings are part of me and our journey. This journey brought me closer to my husband, and closer to God. I prayed every day for strength and learned how to trust Him like I never had before. This time taught me how to lean on God and live through the uncertainty. As rough as that time was, I am able to cherish the journey because I believe because of it I am closer to George. I want to do right by him because of the struggle we went through to get here.
Every day I feel blessed that God had George in our plans. My heart swells even more since he is now here. That waiting was God preparing my heart to grow exponentially for this person we were creating. He is the gift I knew I wanted, but never could understand the greatness until he was delivered. Being a mom opened up emotions that I can’t even put into words. I believe that the pain that it took to get here makes feelings of bliss and cheer wash over me like a tidal wave now that I am his mom. Sometimes I sit here and cry watching him with pure joy that he is really ours. What a gift we were given, and every day my heart explodes with pride and love over being a witness to this little boy’s life. Ending up with this family was worth everything we went through.
So on this Valentine’s Day, I do celebrate love. I celebrate love because two years ago, God gave me such a big reason to love with all that I am.
Two years ago, George stole my heart when I heard his.
And I gladly give it to him again and again.
The one where he’s pointing! It kills me! How cute!
He is a pretty dreamy kid!
He’s such a precious blessing!
He sure is!
Aw, this was beautifully written. I am so glad you shared this. You are strong and brave for sure. 🙂
Thanks Janelle. I hope that more women feel comfortable talking about the rough parts and being open about the not so perfect times.