June 18, 2024 by Stephanie

Year 13

Today is our anniversary.

When you get married, you are full of excitement. There is nothing but celebration around you. You are looking towards your future and you tend to focus on the happiness that is before you. You think about the mundane routines that you will experience together. You dream of the family you are going to make. You think about the LIFE you will have together.

What I didn’t realize 13 years ago when we high-fived our I dos, is how much we were choosing a partner to navigate death with. I mean I imagined growing old with Tom, as I sing the Adam Sandler song from The Wedding Singer. So it seems obvious that when you say “till death do us part” that was part of the deal.

However it feels different when you start navigating that stage of life.

Tom has an illness that will be with him the rest of his life, and can cause life-threatening situations. We have been searching for the past couple years for the right diagnosis as we hone in on different symptoms. He has seen a sharp decline over the past 6 months, but especially over the last few. We are looking at a long road to maintain positive health, but there are still a lot of unanswered questions. Our life lately has been trips to the hospital, surgeries, biopsies, scans, and a carousel of doctors.

I didn’t imagine to be talking about end of life plans this early in our marriage, but here we are.

It is in these moments that I find that I am blessed to be in this marriage. I could easily say “why us?” or think about life if it went a different direction for us. But then I wouldn’t have this marriage as it is, and all that it has given us despite our current valley.

This marriage has taught me about unwavering love.

This marriage has taught me the value of partnership.

This marriage has humbled me.

This marriage made me a mom.

This marriage has given me everything.

Our wedding verse is a constant comfort for me in this time.

It is often in the valleys where we are stripped to our core and made to learn about ourselves and life.

I am constantly learning about compassion as I watch him be in constant pain. Tom has always been the strongest person I know, and it can be easy for me to just expect the same since life is moving around us like everything is normal. I have needed to slow down and be there for him in new ways and try to understand what new support looks like.

Kindness in a marriage should be a given, but it can be hard when the stress is piling up. It can be hard on a relationship to go through any hard time, but even more so when health is affected. Tom feels helpless because this illness has him knocked down, and I feel helpless to fix any of his ailments so I am trying to keep everything else afloat. But that can make it easy for us to be stressed around each other, and it has been a good reminder for us to be kind in the simplest of terms.

Everything about this year has brought us to our knees and humbled us in ways that we didn’t even think was possible. It has made us be vulnerable in new ways as we continue to grow together. As we have humbled ourselves, we have been able to share more depth about each other and our hopes and fears.

When you are dealing with the hardship of life, being gentle is a weird concept. You’re kind of like an eggshell yourself never quite knowing what will break you. You don’t want people to pity you, but at the same time it can be a large weight to bear. You try to make yourself stronger than maybe you really are to just make it day to day. I am reminded of the extraordinary gift of gentleness that we can offer each other in our marriage. Our world is often filled with chaos and noise, the soft touch of gentleness has the power to soothe our souls, nurture our bond, and create a sanctuary of love and understanding between us.

Patience. Deep down, I am not a patient person. I get anxious waiting on others and want to know what is happening so I can prepare. Being a mom definitely has tested me in that, but so has being married to Tom in everyway. He walks boldly in life, and that can be a wild ride for this anxious heart. He joined the Army, became a police officer, and now has this unknown illness that makes me stop in my tracks daily. I have to be ok with waiting a lot in this life. I pray that God grants me the strength to persevere in times of trial, to remain steadfast in times of uncertainty, and to hold onto hope in times of despair. In my moments of impatience and frustration, I have to ask for help to cultivate a spirit of calmness, understanding, and perseverance, even in the face of these challenges and uncertainties.

There is nothing like facing death that makes you realize holding grudges or bad feelings does no one any good. One of the most remarkable aspects of forgiveness is its ability to bring about profound healing and transformation. By choosing to forgive, we free ourselves from the chains of bitterness and resentment, allowing us to experience inner peace. We quite frankly don’t have time to be mad at each other, so it has been really healing to just let things go and return to love.

Because above all else is love. Love is what got us started. Love built this family. Love is our foundation. Love ties us together.

While this year has been full of strife, it has also brought us immeasurable peace as we both have grown in our faith in God. Everything about this has been scary and unknown, but we have put our trust in God to pull us through this. We have been telling each other that God has something in store for us with everything that is happening. We may not know what that is, but we have found peace that this is the life He chose for us and there is purpose in that. We have had to learn to trust in His divine timing.

And for all of this I am thankful. I am thankful that we started dating 17 years ago during our summer jobs at Worlds of Fun. I am thankful that Tom asked to be tied together 14 years ago on the shores of Savannah, GA. And I am thankful that we chose to navigate life together 13 years ago when we got married.

I am thankful for everything because even in the hard, there has been so so much good. And I wouldn’t change anything about that, so I will take all of this hard now knowing we have more laughs and good to experience.

Happy anniversary, love.

June 18, 2023 by Stephanie

Year 12

A dozen years of marriage.

If I think back to the summer of 2007 when we met, I would never have dreamed of the life that we have. It’s funny that our life together started at an amusement park, because it is the perfect metaphor for our life together.

From the moment we got married though in 2011, I knew I was in for ride with many twists, turns, exhilaration, and lots of snacks along the way.

Every year, I take some time to reflect on our marriage and how it has grown and evolved over the past year.

Some years I share how hard our communication has been.
Some years I give a timeline of growth we experienced that year.
Some years I highlight the belief we have in each other.
I generally always give thoughts on the milestones of the year.

This year, I wanted to talk through what this year in our marriage has meant to me.

Year 12 was a year of teamwork. This year emphasized why our marriage works. Yes we respect, admire, and love each other. But I think this works mostly because Tom and I are truly partners at this life.

Teamwork in Well-being

Tom has had several health scares this year. In October, he suffered a stroke that actually led us to testicular cancer that we fortunately caught before it could spread to his prostate. The recovery from the surgery was longer than expected due to his autoimmune disease having a reaction to his medication and bedrest. Then in February, un-diagnosed ulcers ruptured in his stomach causing him to be in the hospital for days.

We had the life altering moment of watching Wally have a seizure and still have no understanding fully of why it happened. To feel so helpless as parents wrecked me. To have Tom as a strong hold got me through that first month of worry. He made sure I ate and did everything he could to give me peace to sleep.

It was in these moments where we had to lean on each other physically and emotionally. We crawled into the hole together some days and were mad and sad at the situations happening to us. It was scary as the care taker to watch each other in those moments. But the teamwork meant for me to be even more present in these dark moments for us to stay strong together.

Teamwork in Faith

As we made decisions about our family’s faith journey this year, we knew we had to do this together. Faith in God is a personal commitment, but we needed to be in lockstep about our game plan as we are role models to our children. We have struggled with finding a community that we felt would help us grow but also nourish our family as a whole. We took a leap this spring and made a commitment to a church home this spring, and it is the first time we both felt called to the same church.

Teamwork in the House

We are both fully capable people and can do all the things around the house. But what is the fun in that? We divide and conquer with our natural strengths. For example, I keep our schedule managed as it overflows with commitments, and he can add more garden beds each year with great ambition. I make all the plans, and he is the fixer upper.

It helps knowing that I don’t have to carry the burden of the household completely alone, and he keeps life interesting with all of his house projects and ideas. We rely on each other to make this household run completely without feeling the burden one way or the other.

Teamwork in our Careers

We both have fully earned our spots in our careers. We both have worked hard, dreamed big, and never gave up. But I truly believe that I would not have the same strength to be who I am at work without his support at home. He makes me feel more confident and is my first sounding board when I am struggling. Both of our jobs take a lot of mental effort and time, and it is great to have a partner who is understanding when our brains need to shut off when we get home or that we may be running just a little late here and there.

Having a partner who supports your career aspirations means the world. He is my biggest cheerleader, and he is often the reason I feel brave enough to jump into new situations. I mean if he can believe in me, why can’t I believe in myself? Having someone that supports you this fully makes it seems like we are not having to sacrifice in order to chase these dreams at work.

Teamwork as People

We compliment each other well in our personality and strengths. It is honestly amazing how opposite we are from each other, but it really helps fill in the gaps where we need something in this marriage. We are able to balance each other out, and this helps when we have to solve problems in this roller coaster of life because we can see different angles when approaching different situations. And I would be remiss to say that everything is equal all the time around here. I think 50/50 is a myth in so many ways, but that is for another day. The beauty of this team work is that we can be teeter totters for each other. There is an ebb and flow with our energy and time, and we acknowledge when we need to make shifts for each other. We have gotten so much better about communicating our needs to each other so that we can truly be the best partners to each other.

There is no one I’d rather ride along in this life with then Tom.

From then…

Until now…

Forever my partner you will be.

April 14, 2016 by Stephanie

Talks with Tom #43

I am late to the ballgame, but I just started playing Candy Crush this month.

WHY is this so addicting?

I got stuck on a level last night, and I voiced my frustration to my husband who has been playing Candy Crush for a long time.

He kept trying to see the level to give me pointers, and I insisted on figuring it out on my own. We also probably looked ridiculous with me trying to hide my screen while he was trying to climb on the armrest to get a peak at the level.

Because you know that this game defines how successful I am as a human being.

And this was Tom’s response:

“You are basically in high school, and I have a PhD in this game. Let me help you.”

Back off I don’t need your help.

Seriously, first world problem is when you are playing this game on your lunch break and you get a 2 hour unlimited life reward right when you should be going back to work.

image via

Sorry George, now you have two parents who are addicted.

Have you played this game? Do you ask for help? Do you find yourself losing time switching candies around?

March 7, 2016 by Stephanie

Talks with Tom #42

When you add Tom’s wit with the randomness that is the cop life, I get some off the wall texts and conversations at the dinner table. Sometimes they seem completely normal, and other times they throw me off because it is so out there.

Here is one example of what I have received:

text from Tom

They have to deal with some pretty crappy stuff, and humor is a good way to get past some of it.

While waiting for a warrant, Tom was talking to a woman who was stammering, “I don’t have a warrant.” Then she started screaming out celebrities that she claimed to have warrants. “Donald Trump has a warrant. Bill Clinton has a warrant. Sheryl Crow has a warrant.”

Tom then stopped her and said, “Whoa you don’t talk about Sheryl Crow like that. She understands that every day is a winding road.”

That comment apparently went over this lady’s head.

On another occasion, Tom got a call from our cable company while he was investigating a case. Tom will answer his phone no matter what while he is on duty because you never know what is on the other end that he may need.

The cable guy wanted us to upgrade our package, which we have repeatedly told them we do not want to do. This person kept asking Tom to add more channels, and finally Tom got fed up with arguing back and forth:

Tom-I don’t want it.

Cable Guy-Well, sir it is free.

Tom-I don’t want it.

Cable Guy-Even if it free? (FYI it’s free for 3 months then they start charging you, but it takes another month or two to cancel it so you really end paying a lot for this free upgrade.)

Tom-Look, I am a police officer. I am busy searching for wanted suspect right now. I do not have anymore time to talk about this.

Cable Guy-I just wanted to let you know that we may have several packages that you may be interested in.

Tom-Sir, does one of those packages tell me where my suspect is at?

Cable Guy-Ugh no…

Tom-Then you don’t have anything that I am interested in.

And they haven’t called us since.

One in three drivers is hostile immediately upon him making contact with them. They are either yelling at him or cussing at him before he even has an opportunity to talk to them about their stop. Instead of shouting back, Tom shushes them so he can give them his spiel. Yes he shushes grown adults.