Baby

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My New Self

On the eve of returning to work full time, I have so many thoughts. This maternity leave has been hard and amazing, but it really put a light on some areas in my own identity that I needed to work through.

The pandemic and having Walter made me do some self-reflection that I honestly have been avoiding. I have been moving through life just kind of in the zone long before the pandemic hit. I was just getting things done, but not really taking the time to enjoy it. I was anxiously awaiting the next thing or compiling the next to do list. I found myself resentful of others and then feeling guilty all the time.

In December, it kind of came to a head for me. Granted a lot of the emotional turmoil could be attributed to having a baby, but it was really a pivotal moment to realize I needed something. I wanted to be a different mom. I wasn’t the person I wanted to be anymore. I had let my anxiety overrun me.

I needed help, and I needed to put some time in to focus on my needs. So while I had this time at home, I knew that I needed to ask for help not only with the baby but how to navigate this transition so I could come out of this sacred time with a clear head and clear focus.

So in order to truly do the work, I started investing in both a therapist and a personal trainer. I needed to cry some things out and sweat out some other things. Both have been instrumental in my health journey post-partum.

I have not been in counseling since I was in grad school. And through my profession, I knew I needed help analyzing my anxiety and really talking through it instead of just pushing it aside to get everyone to the next thing. My perpetual to-do list was wreaking havoc on my ability to live in the moment. I had this need for perfection that drowned out any opportunity to be vulnerable even with those closest to me. My emotions were in control of my world view. I know I am an emotional person; this is nothing new. Most of the time I can keep them in check in public. But at home, I was losing it. I couldn’t enjoy my family because the only thing I could think about was the fear of not getting things done. I was nit-picky at anything and everything because of the chase to perfection. At home, I had a really hard time just appreciating what my family was doing because I was always on to the next thing. I had become so wound up trying to control it all that it was coming out in expectations I had on my family, which were often unrealistic. My anxiety manifested in all kinds of ways in unexpected situations. Some times it was in fear, some times it was in anger, and some times I just sulked around the house.

I didn’t want this anymore.

It was as though birthing Walter was also a rebirth for me. I wanted to do better, and so I needed some help processing it all. We only are given this one life, and I was just marking things off without really embracing anything. Working with my counselor has been really refreshing. I have been validated, but I have also been challenged. I won’t get into all the things since counseling is a personal journey, but I will say it has been helping me. Here is the thing, I still have a lot of baggage where my anxiety stems from. I still LOVE a to-do list. I still want things to go well. But I am learning more coping skills to keep the panic attacks and overthinking at bay. I am learning to look at the facts instead of imagining all the what-ifs of imperfection.

Often times as moms, we feel that we have to do it all and we often sacrifice our own mental health to take care of all the things. The mental load is taxing. My anxiety made me feel selfish in so many ways which is why I left it unaddressed for so long. Not being perfect really hindered me connecting with my kids because deep down I didn’t feel that I was good enough. Understanding that I wanted better for my kids and to actually enjoy my kids, I have to be a little selfish to take care of my own needs. Having Walter and this pandemic really helped me see that I couldn’t keep living this way for them, nor did I want to for me. I want to experience more in the moment. And while I do always have the to-do list looming over me, I can ask for help and communicate better to build a team around me. It’s also okay to be vulnerable and share how I am feeling even if it is not perfect. I also know that I am enough.

Honestly, what I was looking for was accountability. I needed someone to check in with every once in awhile to talk through my insecurities and walk me through how I can navigate my self talk when I start to spiral. I needed some one to tell me what to do in the gym so I could be stronger. I need the accountability to focus on my self growth so I can be a better wife, mother, friend and colleague.

Coming out of this maternity leave is bittersweet. I know that I will never have time like this at home again. I was able to spend weeks off at the holiday time with my family since I essentially didn’t come back to work after Thanksgiving. I have been able to see George off to school and most days pick him up from school, which is time I have really come to love. I have been able to see Daphne explore her world in a way that I wasn’t privy to before. Obviously spending time with Wally is a dream come true.

But honestly, I am most thankful that I found a new version of myself through this time at home.

I want to be mentally, emotional, and physically strong for the people around me. Having this space has helped me understand that I am not selfish for asking for balance or for help. It has taught me more about my priorities and how to focus on my family. I am learning more on how to vocalize those needs so I can be more available. I am coming back to work with a renewed sense of direction and passion for what I do. I am excited to come back to work for I know that it doesn’t have to be an either/or anymore. I can still crush it at work and crush it as a mom. I also am learning that crushing it in life doesn’t mean that I have to be perfect. It’s ok for me to ask for flexibility so I don’t have to sacrifice one identity over the other.

Nor do I have to sacrifice myself to make it all work.

So all in all, I am so grateful for Walter joining our lives because of the little person he is becoming and will be. He is everything I dreamed of. But I am so eternally grateful that I am becoming me too.

So cheers to the end of my maternity leave and all the emotions I am sure to have!

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Walter-3 Months

Weight:  He is 12 pounds! I feel he is gotten big this last week.

Health: He is still throwing up a lot, however we did get him some acid reflux medicine. While it has not stopped his spit up, it has dramatically changed the consistency of it. A lot less cottage cheese vomit happening over here. He seems much happier this month two. Last month he just always seemed upset so hopefully we settled his tummy troubles!

Diet: I feel like this month we finally hit our stride with breastfeeding, which may be a big reason why it feels like he is gaining weight more steadily. I did drop all of my pumping sessions since I am back at work. I didn’t want to try to have to finagle those additional sessions especially since we are not giving him an extra bottle between his feedings anymore. Right now I am straight nursing him since I am working from home, which is such a blessing. Dropping the pumping has really helped with my mentality since I am not doing something every 2 hours now nor am I having to wash pump parts which is huge. As long as I can keep my supply up, we will continue this way on the days I am working from home. I have enough in stock to get us through a supply dip for awhile. Walt feeds 7 or 8 times a day, and on average it adds up to 3 hours of nursing. He is going about 2-3 hours between feedings. My app says that we have had 219 feedings over this last month, and spent 3.5 days feeding him.

Clothes: We did just size up to 0-3 month clothes. It was a bittersweet moment realizing it was the last time I would use those newborn clothes for my own kids. He is also in size 1 diapers.

Sleeping:  He is fairly good in this department. He sleeps about 6 hours each night, so that has been a glorious transition. Naps during the day are hit or miss. He does some in his crib and some while someone is holding him. We really need to work on getting him totally in naps in his crib. He is still sleeping in a pack and play in our room overnight. Until we get this spit up thing completely under control, I don’t feel comfortable just yet having him by himself in his room overnight. On the plus side, I can usually just put him down while he is awake, and he will put himself to sleep within 10 minutes. He just lays there and grunts and wiggles himself to sleep without any fuss.

Likes:  He loves being held, and his favorite place is upright on our shoulder with his ear next to mine. I think he loves being close to us and being able to watch around over our shoulder. He loves the 8pm hour. He is always so talkative and smiley during this time. One of our TVs always turns on to a static channel, and he loves it.

Dislikes:  He hates baths and getting lotion on. We keep trying to make a pacy work for him, but I think he could do without. We never are successful getting him to use it to go to sleep so I guess that is a good thing down the road. Honestly there isn’t much that riles him up. His temperament has been really chill this month.

Nicknames: Walt, Wally, Wally Bear, Butters, Sweet Bean, and Stinkerdoodle. Daphne still has her own names that all include Baby in the title: Waltie baby, Cutie baby, Sweetie baby, Baby guy, and Baby Walter.

Milestones: He holds his neck up so well. His smiles are so big, and I feel like we are just on the verge of laughs. He has been cooing, but not perfectly repeating us just yet. He rolls to his side, but not quite all the way over yet.

Quirks:  When he does tummy time, he kicks his legs so hard like he is trying to crawl already. He has almost hurled himself over the boppy pillow with his legs pushing off the floor. He has lost most of his hair on the top of his head. It’s all little peach fuzz now, but he has a nice ring of thicker hair at the base of his neck.

We parents are:  doing much better this month. Month two was extremely taxing, and this month has been a breeze in comparison. I really have a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding, and a lot of the animosity does come from pumping. So removing that this last month has been so healthy for me. I have been working half time at work this month, and the transition back has been fairly smooth. I highly recommend any mom try to swing returning from maternity leave a couple weeks as part time, and even better if you can do it from home. This upcoming week is my last week at half time, so the next month potentially could be a doozy. I started working out a lot more this month, and I think that has also helped clear the fog that comes with newborn days. Tom and I also have been trying to be more intentional about having a meal together with just the two of us.

Big kids are:  doing pretty good considering this was a cold month with very little time outside. George is really excelling at school, and I love hearing how he is creating relationships there. Daphne has had a difficult month. She has had some pretty severe tantrums that will last 30-45 minutes. And the girl is so stubborn; there is often no reasoning with her and we just have to wait until she is tired for it to wear off. We know it has a lot to do with wanting attention, and it is not lost on me that these awful tantrums have coincided with me going back to work. We just need to make sure we are giving her just Daph time. Being a middle child and big sister is hard stuff! As far as the bigs with Walter, they are still so good with him. George tries to soothe him by caressing his head. Most of the time, George does his own thing away from the baby. Daphne, however, always wants to be with him. She wants to hold him, snuggle him, sing to him, read to him, be on him…you get the picture. She is just the best big sister.

The dogs are: just enjoying their doggy lives. Crosby does like to follow Walter around. He is often at my feet when I am feeding him. Grace doesn’t give two hoots about him.

In case you are curious, here is George at two months and Daphne at two months.

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Walter-2 Months

Weight:  Walt is around 9 and a half pounds. Finally this kid is gaining weight!

Health: We don’t really have any serious health concerns right now. We’ll see at his check up this week if we need to be more concerned about his weight and eating. He does throw up after each feeding, so I am going to ask if there is anything we can do about it. Looking back on the big kids’ updates, they were having the same problem, however, I feel like Walt is doing it so much more.

Diet: Each month feels like a major triumph with our breastfeeding journey. We are still feeding every 2-3 hours, but we backed off on the bottles in between. We occasionally will give him a one ounce bottle if he is having a fussy day. I started using a new app to track his feedings, and it says that I am feeding him on average 3.5 hours total a day. I am pumping 1-3 times a day to stock up for when I go back to work, and I have pumped just about 100 oz this month. My schedule is still pretty tight around his feeding, but the windows of time do seem to be getting bigger in length. I am no longer using the nipple shields which saves me so much time and hassle. It’s also a bonus that it’s no longer painful when he is feeding. I am in a much better place than I was last month with our breastfeeding plan, but as always my goal is to make it to the next month and re-evaluate. I head back to work here soon, so we’ll see how that affects the dynamic.

Clothes: He is still in newborn clothes, but he is starting to fill them out a little more. I did switch him to size one diapers, but really only because I had a box in the closet when we ran out of newborns and didn’t want to buy another newborn box.

Sleeping:  Sleeping is going much better, and I feel that we are getting a rhythm down. He sleeps from 11-4ish most nights and then will go back down after a nursing session until about 8. Then he has two or three naps during the day in about 2 hour spurts. We are doing some of his naps in his crib in his room instead of the pack and play in our room. I have been putting a drop of Young Living’s Gentle Baby blend on his swaddle before I put him down. I am not saying that it is the reason he is sleeping longer, but I am also saying it hasn’t hurt.

Likes:  He loves being held laying up right on my chest. He loves the baby carrier, and now his legs are out of the newborn position which has seemed to make him like it more. He seems more interested in his surroundings and all of us.

Dislikes:  He is still not a fan of being naked or anything with changing clothes or diapers.

Nicknames: Walt, Wally, Wally Bear, Butters, Sweet Bean, and Stinkerdoodle. Daphne has her own nicknames for him: Waltie baby, Cutie baby, and Baby Walter.

Milestones: He just started smiling over the last couple days. He is also doing a really good job with his neck control.

Quirks:  He farts like a grown man. They are so loud, that they have woken Tom and I up in the middle of the night. Most of the time he looks like he is terrified of something or he has this grimace like he is silently judging all of us. His eyes are just so big!

We parents are:  tired. It has been an emotional month still just trying to manage all the things and figure out our new normal. We are getting there. I am trying to take time to breath more for myself and I am taking some steps to really focus on that so I can be the best mom and wife I can. Tom has been working extra hours, so he has been tired on top of the newborn parent tired.

Big kids are:  doing good. George has had school this whole month, so that routine has been great for him. He is getting tested for some things with the school’s speech pathologist, so I am interested to see how that pans out for him. George is definitely favoring Tom more right now, which is understandable since I am always doing something with Walt. I am really going to miss taking him to and from school because that is time where it is just us. Daphne is OBSESSED with Walt. She is always coming to his rescue when he cries, and she wants to be touching him all the time. She is so sweet with him, and I think she believes it is her personal mission to be his protector and healer. It is just the best to watch. I wish I could just record her all day with him. You can see that she is having moments of middle childness, so we have been making an effort to give her some alone parent time too.

The dogs are: old and don’t seem to care too much about Walt. Crosby does love to lay on the kick and play mat though. We did find out recently that Crosby has lymphoma. It is progressive enough that we are choosing not to do treatments. He also has two torn ACLs, so we are treating him for pain on that. It came down to deciding prolonging his life time wise but have him be on tons of medication/undergo procedures but be noticeable sick or in pain, or just making him comfortable as possible with his remaining time. It was a difficult decision, but we are going with quality of life for him especially besides an occasional limp, he is still leaving the dream life for a dog. He still chases after all the things, and has loved the sunroom to bark at the birds and neighbor cats more easily. It’s just not an easy thing for us to have to think about or make decisions on. We will just love on them as long as we can!

In case you are curious, here is George at two months and Daphne at two months.

Sweet bean, I love the extra snuggles you have brought into our life.

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Walter-1 Month

What a month it has been!

Weight:  Walt is around 7 and a half pounds. He is not really gaining weight but he also doesn’t seem to be losing it either.

Health: No real big health concerns as of right now. His mouth is completely healed from the tongue tie procedure. Breastfeeding is still a work in progress. I am monitoring his weight now to see if we dip down again, but other than that it seems like we are doing good! We seem to have another “happy spitter” on our hands though. Both of the big kids were spitting up at this age too, so I feel like we are ok here. I also watched a video the other day that was a good reminder that even though it seems like they are spitting up their whole feeding, in reality it is only a teaspoon or so.

Diet: We made it a full month of only breastfeeding. We are still feeding every 2-3 hours, and he gets a couple 1 oz bottles between those feedings as well. I am pumping 3 times a days to meet those needs and still stock some up for when I go back to work. Essentially I am either feeding him or pumping every 1-2 hours. My goal is to make it to the next month and then reevaluate. If we are still on this schedule in a month, I may introduce formula. I really don’t have time to do much else besides focus on feeding him and trying to maintain some supply for him. At the current rate we are going, I am not sure this schedule will be sustainable for my health. It is utterly exhausting and draining in so many ways. I am struggling with this a little bit since I made it a full year with Daphne. I know it is not rational but my brain is saying you have made it a year before, and I am feeling this extreme guilt for even thinking about formula this early. Like some how I am failing Walt for not making this breastfeeding journey work for us, which is basically why I never leave this chair to make it happen right now. But as I said I do know from my experience with George that this is not sustainable for much longer, so we will continue to take a little bit at a time and reevaluate. I also fully believe in “fed is best” and really have no issue with formula; it’s just a debate I am internally struggling with because I have made it work before, and hormones are weird.

Clothes: He is still in premie and newborn clothes, and he is in newborn diapers.

Sleeping:  He is awake a little more now. He sleeps the best between 7am-noon. He is fussier in the afternoon an early evening. Night time has been hit or miss with what schedule he wants to be on. There seems to be no middle ground. Either is he cluster/comfort feeding all night or he stays asleep for 5-6 hours at a time. There have also been a couple nights that I have had to hold him while we sleep in a chair because even feeding him won’t console him.

Likes:  He still loves being held and getting pats on the butt. He is starting to notice his big siblings and look for them. He loves to ride in the car. I started using the baby carrier over the last week, and he doesn’t like getting in it, but then he falls asleep as soon as he is settled in against my chest.

Dislikes:  He has found his voice over the last couple months, however Tom and I agree that he is still our quietest baby yet. He does not like getting his clothes or diaper changed. He generally hates the hours between 3-7 if you aren’t holding him. As much as we have tried, he does not seem to like a pacy. Once he is in the car, he loves it, but getting in the car seat initially is a different story.

Nicknames: Walt, Wally, Wally Bear, Dooders. Daphne has her own nicknames for him: Waltie baby, Cutie baby, and Baby Walter.

Quirks:  With him starting to be awake more, I am sure more of these will start to arise.

We parents are:  ready for some sense of a routine. With bringing a new baby home, virtual school, and the holidays, this month has been a whirlwind. Exhausted doesn’t even seem to be the appropriate word. Feeding him has been really consuming, and I have had a few meltdowns myself with the exhaustion. I feel like I never leave our bedroom between all the feedings and pumpings. I know this will end, and I just have to keep reminding myself that but it is hard when you are bound to a chair day in and day out. I am feeling like I am completely healed from the birth, so that has been nice to not feel like I am broken all over. I also am able to wear all my normal clothes again, but let’s be real I still live in leggings most days. I would love to start working out again, and my hope is to start walking on the treadmill here soon. But I need to get a better handle on this feeding stuff. It seems that there is never any time between the feedings to do things for myself because there is something else that always needs my attention with the limited breaks. I also feel like I am touched out, which is hard when you have too big kids who need affection as well. It’s just a lot right now to be able to give to all the people who need it. Tom is back at work with 12 hour shifts, so I know it is a lot on him as well to come home needing a break but also juggling giving attention to all of us. Fortunately, the sun room is done, so he can take some down time on his days off.

Big kids are:  doing as good as can be expected with all of us being home all the time. I think virtual school about broke us all. It has been a really hard month for George to become a big brother again and lose some of his attention from us, and then to be forced to do kindergarten virtually for the weeks before the holiday break. It just wasn’t ideal for his personality for this all to happen at once. But we are trying! George is also fascinated by me feeding Walt. He wants to know how breastfeeding works and all the mechanics behind pumping. So many questions! Daphne is now obsessed with Walt. She is always checking to see if he is awake or if he needs something. She is quick to try to console him and sings the sweetest songs to him. She loves to read to him and try to find toys that he can use. They both love him so much, and I can wait to see their relationship continue to grow.

The dogs are: now 10 years old! We totally missed their birthday this month…..whoops.

In case you are curious, here is George at two weeks and Daphne at one week.

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Walter-Two Weeks

Thank you for everyone has reached out and shared in the excitement of our newest little nugget. It has been a whirlwind couple weeks since he got here.

Because I know that babies don’t keep, I still want to attempt to document everything about these stages.

Weight:  Walt is hovering around 7 lbs. We have been having issues with losing weight. He was 7 lbs 8 oz when he was born but at our appointments last week he dropped below 7 lbs. We have had so many doctor’s appointments to try to monitor this. He is just so skinny!

Health: We were having some severe issues breastfeeding. He was only using his gums to eat, and after just a couple days I was bleeding through every feeding. So through several lactation appointments and some referrals to a specialist, we found that Walt had a really bad tongue tie. It was so severe he basically could not use his tongue. So he was using his jaws and gums to gnaw the milk out. The doctor we saw said that if we had not found it now, he would have had issues with eating and speech later on. A procedure to fix this later on would have meant we would have had to drive to either St. Louis or Kansas City to have a more serious procedure and do physical therapy. But since we found it so quickly, last week we did a procedure to laser that tie. Since his tongue was basically useless before, this week we have been trying to retrain him how to eat. We are hoping that this is helping with the weight issue. Today we did get the green light that everything is healing nicely and we are seeing enough progress that we don’t need to come back to the specialist again.

Diet: He is only on breastmilk. I have to use a nipple shield, which is really not ideal for the long run, but it is helping him learn how to do it correctly. I am hoping we can stop using it soon. We are on a strict feeding schedule of every 2-3 hours nursing and then following up with a 1 oz bottle of pumped milk. So I am really just feeding him or pumping all day.

Clothes: Even though he is our biggest baby, he is still so tiny. He cannot wear any newborn sleepers or pants without swimming in them. We have few premie things that he fits perfectly.

Sleeping:  Honestly, he is doing a really good job sleeping. For the most part, when he is not eating he is sleeping. Sometimes it is hard to keep him awake enough to eat with the schedule we have from the doctor too. We did have issues with him at first with sleeping flat on his back. He was spitting up a lot, and he would just cry when we put him down flat. After talking with the specialist, he said a lot of this was because of the tongue tie. Walt would just take in a lot of extra air with how he was eating. We have seen this improve a lot since we had the procedure done, and we have been working on transitioning from sleeping with an incline to flat.

Likes:  He likes when I sing “You are my Sunshine” and “Cheeseburger in Paradise.” He loves getting pats on the butt. Both seem to soothe him pretty quickly.

Dislikes:  Walt is the chillest baby. Even his cries aren’t that loud. He really only shows disdain when I am a little slow to get him set up to eat or when I am putting lotion on him.

Nicknames: Walt, Wally, Wally Bear, Brother, and Daphne only calls him Baby Walter.

Quirks:  It’s hard to say right now. Eat, sleep, poop…

We parents are:  Tom went back to work a couple days ago. He has been working his behind off to get our sunroom done and keep the big kids occupied. We just moved plants into the sunroom, and it is all very exciting to watch this project wrap up. I have been a little overwhelmed to be honest with the feeding stuff. I know it has only been two weeks, so I am trying to give myself grace with our transition. However, it is hard to not be exhausted and feel like you can’t just be yourself when you are constantly focused on the feeding. I am also trying not to feel guilty that he is not gaining weight since he is getting all his sustenance from me. Whether it is making sure I am not letting too much time go by without a feeding or a bottle to keeping myself hydrated, and then add in trying to give the big kids some attention, it’s just been a lot. We have also not had many days where we haven’t had an appointment, so I am ready for a few days in a row without any plans to rest fully. Physically outside of the exhaustion, I am feeling decent. My body is healing up nicely, but I also want to be sure to be easy on myself that the pre-baby body doesn’t exist and nor should it. I will say the more that I think about his birth too, it was the closure experience I needed. It was like he was sent to us to help me heal from our previous pregnancies and birth experiences. My heart needed him, and it has been beautiful to have him join our family.

Big kids are:  doing so much better than expected. I hope to write a post soon about how the bigs are reacting to Wally coming home. It’s been precious. They are super supportive and protective right now and tell everyone that he is their baby and we will keep him here. Daphne has been calling him our “treasure.” George cried the first several days because he was overcome with joy and love for him. We’ll see how the next month goes because George is home doing virtual school for the next two weeks and then is off school until the new year. He may feel differently with all the time I spend feeding little man instead of playing with George. But all in all, I could not have asked for a better reaction from our first two babies. As far as who Walt looks more like, it is hard to say. When he was first born, I thought he looked like both pretty equally. Now as the days go by, I see more similarities to George.

The dogs are: doing just fine. Honestly, I don’t think they are even phased at this point that we brought another kid home. They have sniffed him a little, but they mostly ignore him.

In case you are curious, here is George at two weeks and Daphne at one week.

Walt, you are the final piece to our family puzzle. And we love you so very much!