Werk, Werk, Werk, Werk, Werk…

I am at the end of this maternity leave. I feel so fortunate that I have had the opportunity of having the last 11 weeks off work, and even more so to have the next two weeks part time to ease myself back into the swing of things.

While it is hard to transition away from my time with Daphne and my family, I do want to look at the positives of returning back work.

  1. I am ready to be back in the real world. I have been living in this perfect bubble of baby cheeks and boxes of raisins. I have no idea what is really happening outside of my house, so that will be nice to engage in reality again.
  2. I can eat lunch at a normal time instead of between cries and feeding other people. I can eat something that is hot and without having to hold a baby and worry about spilling on her. That one meal a day is going to be like a vacation.
  3. Routine. We have no routine right now. On one hand it is nice, and I have enjoyed the flexibility. But having no routine means that I have to have a billion alarms on my phone to remember things like paying the bills and taking my vitamins every day. Having a routine is good.
  4. I can wear my hair down for more than one day a week and dress like a real human being. I like my wardrobe, and I want to use it. I love Daphne but she likes to pull my hair and barf on me, so I have been living in grungy gym clothes all summer.
  5. I don’t have to worry about other people’s bodily functions or help them doing them for at least 8 hours a day. Bless them.
  6. On that note, I can go to the bathroom by myself.

Lastly, I really enjoy my job and August is such a fun time in Higher Ed. There is excitement to a new academic year, and all the hoopla that happens in the fall is just wonderful. I can’t wait to meet my class for my freshmen seminar and also the individual students that I will be coaching this fall. I know I am going to miss my babies, but coming back to this high energy time is going to be perfect to help me to get back into my professional mojo. It is the perfect time to be rejuvenated back to working mom life.

Tomorrow feels like the first day of school. I have all the bags packed and our clothes picked out. (I have tried on a million outfits like I am presenting myself to the world again.) I am excited to see all my friends and colleagues again. I have the jitters about leaving my family, and I’m slightly nervous that I have forgotten everything over the last few months.

I feel like I should be arming myself with a Lisa Frank Trapper keeper.

It’s going to be great…

I will get up in time…

Both kids will get to the sitter fed and clothed…

Pray for us.

This is Hard.

Yesterday, I cried at a salon.

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With George, I cried a lot during his first couple months. I had no idea what I was doing, so much was changing for us, and breastfeeding was a pain (literally and figuratively). With Daphne, things have been so seamless so far so my spirits have been high. But yesterday, I hit the emotional brick wall and had my first meltdown.

We are struggling a little with Daphne in the afternoons/evenings. She gets to a point where the only thing that will console her is me. Whether it is feeding her or me putting her in the wrap carrier, I am the solution.

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Knowing that I am going back to work soon, we knew that we needed to start getting her used to other people and getting her used to bottles.

So I have been more intentional about leaving the house while Tom is home or letting others hold her when we are out. I am also trying my best to not be holding her all day when I am home with her (STRUGGLE).

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Y’all, this is hard.

It is devastating to hear her cry. She’s wants nothing more than her momma.

Yesterday when I was at the salon, and Tom was sending me desperate texts asking me how to help her since she started screaming the moment I left, I was heartbroken because there was nothing I could do or that he could do.

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So I became emotionally unglued for the first time since she was born.

(Luckily it was during the time that they were letting my perm set so I was in the sink area by myself.)

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I feel guilty for wanting to go back to work.

I am anxious that she will just scream until I get back to her.

I am sad that our beautiful summer together is quickly coming to an end.

I have a heavy heart knowing that I am her security blanket right now.

The longest I have been away from her is three hours. I am starting to think about all those moments missed.

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I know there is no solution to this feeling, and I know from having George that some days the weight seems to bury you and others you do just fine carrying it all.

I also know that it is ok to cry.  And although the feeling of guilt is heavy, I don’t have anything to feel guilty about.

I know that being a mom is never easy and there is guilt with any lifestyle, but dang this is hard right now.

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I rationally know that I am doing what is best for me and my family by going to work. I love what I get to do and feel so fulfilled professionally. I nkow that they get the best of me when I am home. I know that the kids get the benefit of other folks loving on them and interacting with other kids all day. Rationally I know all of this.

But sometimes a momma’s emotions are not rational.

I mean look at those cheeks? How do you not start crying knowing you can’t eat them up all day long?

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So for now I am letting my hormones get the best of me and cry along with her as we start this transition back to normal.

I enjoy all the time we do get together, and I feel so fortunate to have a few more weeks at home than I did with George.

I will try not to stress too much about what is to come in two weeks. I know everything will work out fine, and that I am not scaring them for life.

But I have to admit, today, it is hard.

(That’s what she said.)