Yesterday, I cried at a salon.
With George, I cried a lot during his first couple months. I had no idea what I was doing, so much was changing for us, and breastfeeding was a pain (literally and figuratively). With Daphne, things have been so seamless so far so my spirits have been high. But yesterday, I hit the emotional brick wall and had my first meltdown.
We are struggling a little with Daphne in the afternoons/evenings. She gets to a point where the only thing that will console her is me. Whether it is feeding her or me putting her in the wrap carrier, I am the solution.
Knowing that I am going back to work soon, we knew that we needed to start getting her used to other people and getting her used to bottles.
So I have been more intentional about leaving the house while Tom is home or letting others hold her when we are out. I am also trying my best to not be holding her all day when I am home with her (STRUGGLE).
Y’all, this is hard.
It is devastating to hear her cry. She’s wants nothing more than her momma.
Yesterday when I was at the salon, and Tom was sending me desperate texts asking me how to help her since she started screaming the moment I left, I was heartbroken because there was nothing I could do or that he could do.
So I became emotionally unglued for the first time since she was born.
(Luckily it was during the time that they were letting my perm set so I was in the sink area by myself.)
I feel guilty for wanting to go back to work.
I am anxious that she will just scream until I get back to her.
I am sad that our beautiful summer together is quickly coming to an end.
I have a heavy heart knowing that I am her security blanket right now.
The longest I have been away from her is three hours. I am starting to think about all those moments missed.
I know there is no solution to this feeling, and I know from having George that some days the weight seems to bury you and others you do just fine carrying it all.
I also know that it is ok to cry. And although the feeling of guilt is heavy, I don’t have anything to feel guilty about.
I know that being a mom is never easy and there is guilt with any lifestyle, but dang this is hard right now.
I rationally know that I am doing what is best for me and my family by going to work. I love what I get to do and feel so fulfilled professionally. I nkow that they get the best of me when I am home. I know that the kids get the benefit of other folks loving on them and interacting with other kids all day. Rationally I know all of this.
But sometimes a momma’s emotions are not rational.
I mean look at those cheeks? How do you not start crying knowing you can’t eat them up all day long?
So for now I am letting my hormones get the best of me and cry along with her as we start this transition back to normal.
I enjoy all the time we do get together, and I feel so fortunate to have a few more weeks at home than I did with George.
I will try not to stress too much about what is to come in two weeks. I know everything will work out fine, and that I am not scaring them for life.
But I have to admit, today, it is hard.
(That’s what she said.)