February 26, 2015 by Stephanie

George-6 Months

Weight: Right under 14 lbs. He is still pretty lanky but he is definitely getting longer. We will get updated measurements next week at his 6 month check up.

Health: He is doing pretty well; no health concerns as of late. He is full on teething now. Still no teeth, but I feel one on the top trying to make an appearance.

Diet: This has been a big month diet wise! It is the last month he will be primarily fed by breastmilk. We are going to start the weaning process next week. He still is mostly fed with breastmilk with one formula bottle right before bed. We do have formula on hand for when we are out an about on the weekends though. He is really difficult to nurse right now, so when we are going to be away from the house it is just better to feed him with formula. When I do nurse him, he will only latch for a minute, then yank himself off and scream. Then latch for another minute before he pulls himself off in a fit again. It is a cycle that goes on for awhile. He will only get about 5 minutes of actual latched on feeding (even though the whole experience may be about 20-30 minutes) done before he is screaming so hard that we are both in tears. The real kicker is that he will then be hungry again in an hour or so. This has been going on for the last two months. So doing this out in public is not ideal. This behavior paired with the fact that I am barely scrapping by with making enough milk for him throughout the day (with extra pumping on the weekend and nights) is why we will be stopping our relationship with breastfeeding this month. Some days I feel really good about this decision, and others I feel really guilty. But the reality is, it is just not working for us, and we are both pretty miserable about the experience. On the plus side, we started REAL SOLID food this month. George could not be a bigger fan of real food. He attacks it with such ferocity. We have done a combination of purees and the Baby Led Weaning approach. Right now he is much more favorable of the purees. His pincer grasp is not the greatest, so feeding himself usually ends up with more of it on the floor. He does grab it (after sufficiently smashing it into the tray) and attempt to bring it to his face. He usually drops it before he can knosh on it. When he does get the food pieces to his mouth, he usually spits those big pieces out more than he does with the puree. So we are experimenting with both the puree and whole foods. He is getting a better grasp on holding a spoon for himself though, but he doesn’t understand dipping it in the bowl to get more. So I dip it and then he takes it from me to put in his own mouth. He honestly just tries grabbing the bowl itself and tipping it into his mouth. My mom got a great video of this and shared it on Facebook, but I can’t figure out how to save it for myself. He growls at you if you don’t get him food fast enough, which then turns into crying if you are really slow. He just wants the food now! He is also known to lick it off his bib once we are done with what is in the bowl. This kid LOVES eating real food. So far we have tried sweet potatoes (his first real food), peas, pears, squash, bananas, carrots, mashed potatoes, french fries, and pizza sauce.

Clothes: We are still in 3 month clothes and size 2 diapers. He is definitely growing so we may be into 3-6 month range here soon.

Sleeping: Sleep is a funny thing right now. George refuses to take naps at home. At the babysitter’s, naps no problem. Actually, he will take naps with us, but only if you are holding him for the entirety of the nap. We aren’t good at the transfer to the crib part so we always wake him up. And once he is up, he is up. So I guess it should be a testament that he doesn’t want to miss anything while at home and loves snuggling in our arms. But it poses a real problem on the weekends when the no napping means he is cranky or that we have to hold him all day. We have tried a lot of different things to get him to nap, obviously none of them seem to work. So suggestions are welcome at this point. As far as bedtime, it has been interesting this month. I had several suggestions over the course of last month with the nap/sleeping through the night situations that he needed to go to bed earlier. He was going to bed around 9pm and getting up at 4am, with very little napping throughout the day. So we tried the earlier bed time, and are still trying it. We feed him around 6:30, give him a bath, then put him to bed around 7:30. Like clockwork, he never sleeps longer than a half hour. Only two times in the past few weeks has he stayed asleep longer. At first we tried consoling him to sleep for the next TWO hours. We would take turns every 15 minutes trying to get him back to bed. We are silly parents, obviously this was not working. So the last week we have been still putting him to “bed” at 7:30. But now after he wakes up from the only nap we ever can get him to take, each of us will take one turn to try to get him to sleep before we let him stay up with us. And he seems pretty content and calm staying up until that last feeding that we do around 9:45. And now he has been staying asleep from 10pm until we wake him up at 5:30 am. It is one of those things that we have to follow his cues instead of worrying about doing what the books say. My only concern for his sleep is on the weekends when we fail to get him to nap. During the week this process seems to work just fine, and he seems happy with the amount that he is getting.

Likes: He is generally a really happy baby. He loves to watch us dance, and he will laugh so hard at us being silly. He likes it when you bicycle his legs. He gets a kick out of it, pun intended. Basically any funny noise you make at him will make him giggle. George loves to be in the baby wrap so we spend a lot of time with it. He has several toys that he loves now, his favorite being this plastic ball thing. FOOD. He loves to stand. He would rather be doing that than sitting. Speaking of sitting, now that he is able to sit up more, baths are a little easier for us all. He is starting to like it more because he has more room to kick his feet around in the water. He loves to munch on his own feet too. I swear his foot is in his mouth a majority of the day.

Dislikes: Naps. Being alone. Not getting food fast enough.

Milestones: He rolls from stomach to back on both sides. He has not rolled from back to stomach yet, but he is flailing around a lot so I think it will happen in the next week. He does roll to his sides, just not completely over. While he is on the floor he will scoot himself around in circles whether he is on his back or stomach. He seems pretty content not being mobile and does not show any signs of wanting to move forward or backwards. No rush. He will move when he is ready. He is ready to sit on his own now though! He sits unassisted for a a few minutes. He also likes to bend all the way forward like he is doing the butterfly stretch and then bend back to a seated position. It is like he is mocking me with his flexibility.

Quirks: He gives neck hugs now. Best moments of the day. The night my grandma died, he held my face with his hands for the first time. I was leaning over him, and he just reached up and put his palms on my cheeks like he knew I needed it. I cried big fat ugly tears all over that sweet face. He likes to hold my face a lot now. He makes all kinds of humming and squealing noises now.

We parents are: ready for the academy to be over. Tom is itching to get on the road with the police department, and I am itching to have my husband back. I am also in shock that this little fella is 6 months now.

The dogs are: have bad cases of cabin fever. So we have been having some behavior issues. They do however love to help clean George at dinner time. They are interacting a lot more. It is really fun to watch them play together. Watch this video for some surefire giggles of George trying to eat Grace’s nose.

It’s hard to see how much they change from day to day. You forget how small they used to be.

January 26, 2015 by Stephanie

George-5 Months

How has it been 5 months?

Weight: 14 lbs and 24.25 inches. He is in the 7% for height, and 2% for weight. His head, however, is in the 58% at 42.25. (Which explains why we have a hard time getting his head through shirt neck holes. He also doesn’t fit into any hats except the one that I crocheted for him, and it stretches a lot.)

Health: He still has problems going #2, but the doctor said it was nothing to worry about at this point because there is no blood in it. She said he may just be a gassy baby. Other than that he is a happy drooly baby!

Diet: He is still mostly on breastmilk. We have a bottle of formula before bed. This month has been really hard breastfeeding wise. I know that I am not making enough. I am still barely making enough even with pumping during the formula feed. Most days I have one pumping session that I get less than an ounce, and most others are not much more. George eats at least 4 oz per feeding. Watching my supply basically start to dry out and having to pump/feed almost every 2 hours, I have decided that this will be our last month breastfeeding. Unless something drastically changes, I plan to start the weaning process once he is 6 months old. It has become more of a burden and it is taking too much time for what I am pumping. Or not pumping. I don’t feel like it is fair to keep pushing both of us to do this when it obviously is not working well. It just makes for one un-happy and guilty mommy. (George could care less as long as there is something in his belly! He is a mess otherwise.) I have tried all the tricks so believe me there really isn’t much more that I can do to increase my supply. Some women just aren’t able to breastfeed because of the supply, and their bodies never adjust to the demand. Despite my best efforts, I happen to be one of those women. I feel like there needs to be more out there for women who try but cannot make the supply. I feel that it is very polarized: either you formula feed or you are an expert breastfeeding with supply galore. It has been very stressful and hard to find material out there for those in the middle. I think there is also a lot of negativity for those who stop “early” too, so I want to say power to all moms for however long you try. Breastfeeding is not an easy journey, and I don’t want to feel guilty for stopping now. So we will happily make it to 6 months. We plan on starting our solids adventure around then any way, so we feel that it is the perfect timing to end our breastfeeding journey. There is a huge weight lifted off me now that I know there is an end in sight. While I am glad that I was able to do it, it is a struggle that I am happy to know will soon be over. I will say cutting holes into my sports bra has helped tremendously while pumping. It makes things much easier to do both at the same time hands free. So that was an improvement this month. We did try rice cereal this month, and he HATED it. We have tried both spoon fed and bottle fed, and he did NOT want to have anything to do with that rice stuff.

Clothes: We are still in 3 month clothes. I wouldn’t be surprised if we are still in them next month either. We are in size 1 diapers right now. By the end of this week, he will be in size 2. And that is mostly because I don’t want to go buy more size one since I know he has almost grown out of them, and we are down to our last stack this week. He also started wearing shoes when we go out on the weekend. It makes him look like such a big kid!

Sleeping: I think he is going through some sleep regression. We have a pretty good routine for bed time. I read him a story and lure him to slumber. Then he wakes up, and Tom has to take a crack at it. It usually takes us about 30-45 minutes to get him to actually be asleep. Unfortunately, he has started waking up around 4am, wide awake and hungry. It’s that awful timing that if I feed him and get him back to sleep I have about 30-45 minutes to sleep before I need to start getting ready for the day. So we end up just staying up. We tried switching his bedtime to 8 pm earlier this month and that just didn’t work for us. It took us even longer to get him to sleep and then he was getting up at 2 or 3. So his bedtime stays at 9pm for now. He is really funny about naps. He definitely gets cranky and will fight going to sleep. The only way we have gotten him to sleep for naps is by having him lay perpendicular to my stomach so his face his buried in my arm and then you have to pat his butt. Works every time. He also will only sleep on his back here at home, but at the babysitter will only sleep on his stomach. Weird kid.

Likes: He has really started playing with his feet this month. (This picture was the first time I saw him try to put it in his mouth though.) George is constantly holding them and trying to pull off his socks. He has started splashing during bath time. I am not sure if he likes it because he is always startled by it, but he will keep doing it. He likes to grab the hair at the nape of my neck and pull it like it is a handle. I never have a full ponytail anymore. He has to either have his hands or a pacy in his mouth. He loves to talk now, so he loves hearing you babble to him. He likes to stand more than sitting. I swear he will stand on his own before he actually crawls. His legs are so strong. He likes when I babywear him, so if nothing else works to soothe him in the carrier he goes. He still loves holding our hands. He LOVES Larry the parrot on VocabuLARRY. He will be screaming, and then when the show comes on, he stops and smiles in amazement.

Dislikes: Not being able to see you. He is more aware of his surroundings now, and knows when you have left him alone. He hates to burp and for feeding time to end. It is quite comical for us, but he acts like he is being tortured. If there is not a nipple (of any variety) in his mouth he screams this horrific scream. So we have to have a pacy ready for after feeding so we can calm him down from the feeding being over. I am not sure if he doesn’t like diaper changes, but he doesn’t want to sit still during them. He tries doing back bends when we change his diaper, or he has to monkey hang on my arm.

Milestones: We heard his first real laugh this month. He also rolled over for the first time. He looks like he wants to crawl; he pushes his butt up like an inchworm. He just doesn’t go anywhere forward, but he turns himself in circles. He can grab things now, but he doesn’t really know how to control it once he has it in his hands. He sort of can get his pacy back in his mouth if you count him chewing on the plastic part instead of the rubber part. He is trying to sit up. He looks like he is doing crunches trying to pull himself into a sitting position on his own.

Quirks: He hums himself to sleep. It is so cute. He attacks his pacy like a lion going after his prey. He will still lay newborn style when he is laying on your stomach. Never too big I guess to snuggle up tight.

We parents are: still trying to figure out a good schedule. Things are good, but Tom’s schedule isn’t the same from week to week, so that makes it somewhat difficult to have things consistent. It has been nice to get back in the gym consistently. om was sick this last week, so that was a little rough pulling double duty so George wouldn’t catch whatever Tom had.

The dogs are: loving him more and more. George has started noticing them a lot more. He laughs at them now and reaches out to them.

December 29, 2014 by Stephanie

Talks with Tom #34

I have mentioned our quest for George’s pacies on many occasions.

Seriously they just disappear into thin air.

We had this conversation a few days ago during one of George’s daily games of “Make Mom and Dad Chase the Pacy.”

The pacy had fallen out about a half a dozen times in a 5 minute span. And of course George starts pouting until we get the pacy that HE spit out on purpose.

Tom-I’m going to put a rubber band around your head so you can’t spit it out.

Me-We should get croakies for the pacy like they have for glasses.

Tom-What would we call it? We could call it a pokey.

Me-I don’t think that would be appropriate.

Tom-Yea I immediately realize how bad it is is to strap something called a pokey to a child’s face.

We received a pacy clip thing for Christmas so hopefully that will end the chase game that happens on the daily basis in our house. And maybe we won’t keep losing those things.

We haven’t seen this pacy probably since this picture was taken two weeks after he was born…

December 26, 2014 by Stephanie

George-4 Months

This month was a big month for little man!

Weight: 13 lbs and about 24 inches.

Health: He still looks like he is in pain sometimes when he goes number 2. Other than that though, he seems pretty healthy. He doesn’t have quite the issue with spit up any more. It happens a couple times a day, but it is usually small dribbles and mostly is only when I breastfeed him. He has his 4 month check up after the holidays so we will see what she has to say about him. We are seeing someone new, so hopefully we like our new pediatrician as much as our one in Clarksville.

Diet: He has six feedings a day. Five of them are breastmilk, and the last one of the day is formula. As I described in my pumping experience, we had to add formula to the routine because I was not making enough breastmilk. Thank you for all the advice and support I have received over the past couple days. I have a few things I am going to try to hopefully increase my supply and my productivity at work from some of the wisdom shared with me.

Clothes: We are sitting pretty in the 3 month range. Some 0-3 month items are getting too snug and some 3 month stuff is too big. We are not even close to fitting in 3-6 month stuff.

Sleeping: This has been all over the place. I usually read him a bed time story and rock him to droopy land. Then I put him in his crib where he generally falls asleep. Then about 15 minutes later he has lost his pacy, and he starts crying. Tom will then repeat the rocking and talking him to sleep. At this time for the most part, he falls asleep for the night. Occasionally, he doesn’t make it all through the night, and Tom will attend to him. (I will be honest that I haven’t heard him stir before 4:30 myself. I am in my own sleepyland.) There have been a couple nights where he ends up in bed with us or I fall asleep with him in the rocker because he just isn’t having the solo crib life. He does sleep a lot at the sitter’s, so I am not really sure if that is affecting his sleep at night or not. She tries waking him up but he puts on his cranky pants and refuses to stay up.

Likes: He LOVES his pacy, but this kid needs to learn to put it in his own mouth. We are always chasing that thing because he spits it across the room. You think I am exaggerating on the “across the room” bit, but sadly I am not. I think he thinks it is a game that we are playing. And seriously, someone please tell me where the Pacy Abyss is. We are always losing them… He loves talking with his Daddy. They are just too much cuteness together! We discovered the Baby First channel this past week. He watches a couple shows in the morning while Tom and I get ready. He will sit and coo back at the characters. It is so cute to hear his giggles and Oooos to the little animals on the screen. Our favorites are Tilly Knock Knock and VocabuLARRY. These are the two he responds to the most, which is perfect that they are right when I get ready. They are only 10-15 minute clips so they are perfect for that 20 minutes that I need to get ready for the day. And I then sing the songs for the remainder of the day…

Dislikes: He hates being burped right now. He will shriek when we try to do this until we put the bottle back in his mouth or give him his pacy. He is getting better at tummy time. He can lift his head up like a cobra yoga pose. But after a minute or two of lifting, he is done and will let you know it. His tummy time is funny though because it seems like he is lifting his rear end up more than his head in a superman type fashion, like upside down leg lifts.

Milestones: He can hold his head up on his own now, and he sits up pretty well if propped up. No more slouching here! He is really getting more chatty. Both Tom and I usually have a chat session with him a couple times a day. We also had to take him out of church a couple weeks ago because he decided it was a good time to test out his new sounds with his dad. He stays awake more in the car too and will coo at the music on the radio. He started doing raspberries and humming this last week. You can tell he is really learning how to use those chops more and more. He doesn’t really laugh yet; we get giggle chortles right now. I think a full on laugh is coming soon though. His smiles are really just the best. He smiles at me every night when he realizes it is me picking him up from the sitter. (I have to hold back tears of joy every day.) He met soooo many people this last month from his great-grandparents, to old friends, to people at work and church…he was Mr. Sociable this month. He also met Santa and was unimpressed. This may not be a milestone to others, but this is huge in our household: We don’t cry anymore at lotion!!! My eardrums are being saved, and George is actually smiling now when I lather him up. We are fairly certain that he may be teething. He has been a little crankier than normal and is a hot drooly mess.

Quirks: He smiles with his pacy on. Any pair of pants he wear (no matter how long they are) end up being short on him. He wants to be a summer baby all year round. He will stick his hand up your short sleeve when you are holding him and hold onto your shoulder.

We parents are: making it. This month was a rough one for the Whitener parents. We had a lot of stress on our plates, and well it was just a hard month for us. George was not the root of any of it just to be clear. Both Tom and I are routine people, and it has been a little awful without some continuity from day to day. And it is just a busy time in general with the holidays pulling us in a lot of different directions. Oh yea and we moved into a new house and both have new jobs. But we are bouncing back and getting more settled every day. I just need to let go of some of my control issues…Tom started his new job this week so it is so great to see him so pumped and excited again.

The dogs are: four this week! If you follow me on IG, you can see a lot more of their relationship with George blossoming. Grace is just in love with him, and she tries to shower him with kisses anytime she can. (Or she is trying to help clean up George drool.) George also reached out and pet Crosby for the first time the other day. I will just be over here melting away from all the cuteness.

November 6, 2014 by Stephanie

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

Ok really my milkshake only brings one boy.

George is pretty keen on my milk.

We have been breastfeeding now for 10 weeks. He has gained almost 4 lbs since his birth and now sits right over 9lbs.

But I am not here to talk about how big my guy is getting (although I am pumped we are filling out newborn clothes finally).

I am here today to talk about my love-hate relationship with breastfeeding. So if you don’t want to hear me talk about my boobs, than you should stop reading now.

I also apologize that this is a very lengthy post, but I have a lot to get of my chest (pun not intended).

There seems to be a growing trend for breastfeeding, and there is so much reading material out there. You can read on how to breastfeed, the benefits of it, and the community of breastfeeding moms.

I think in almost every article/book I read there was a brief mention about the difficulty of adjusting, but it did not go into much detail. I read advice and received many words of encouragement that “it gets better.” I heard over and over “keep at it,” but no one ever shared what it was actually like. So there were a lot of moments where I felt alone or guilty for feeling the way that I was feeling towards breastfeeding. Why is it so difficult? I just wanted someone to open up and say more than “it gets better.” In their defense, I also wasn’t able to admit how awful I was feeling about it.

(Note these were helpful words of encouragement, so if you gave me this advice please don’t think that I didn’t appreciate it!)

So here is my journey in breastfeeding, and I want to be brutal honest. I am one of those people that likes to know all the details, and some of these things may be helpful to at least wrap your head around before you start.

Let’s be clear first. This is supposed to be a post venting my frustrations as a mom who breastfeeds. Obviously I see that there are benefits to doing this, which is why I have continued, but to be frank it has been a struggle. And I want others to know the details in case they are experiencing similar things.

Growing up I was never around anyone who breastfed. It was something that was never really talked about in the circles I was in. My exposure to it was next to nothing until I started following some mommy bloggers, and we started seriously considering having kids.

I also need you to note that the word “breast” for me is like the word “moist’ for some people. And nipples. They both bother me. I still cringe when those words are said even though it is in my everyday vocabulary.

I guess you could say that my modesty had set me up to be uncomfortable with breastfeeding. It’s not that I don’t see the benefits or agree that people should be allowed to do it, but there was something about the act of it that just made me uncomfortable.

Please tell me that it is not weird to think about a human being sucking something out of your boobs? Maybe I am alone on this, but it was/is weird for me to think about.

So that uncomfortableness was the first thing I had to get over. And I did because I knew it would be beneficial for George to be naturally fed. I researched and read all that I could to become more comfortable with it. This part of parenthood was the most terrifying to me, so I was doing my best to be prepared. I was trying to say “breast” as much as possible to normalize the word….no such luck.

Now come to our first week of breastfeeding. Since he was a NICU baby, we didn’t have a normal breastfeeding experience. I remember feeling so defeated that I couldn’t have that first feed with him moments after he was born. EVERYTHING I had read said that this was vital in creating a successful breastfeeding experience, so naturally I thought we were doomed. Then to find out he would have to supplement with formula and be bottle fed for a few days…crushed and double doom. For that first week, I pumped as much as I could, exalting when I finally was able to pump a full ounce. By the end of that week, we were able to actually breastfeed one feeding a day. And it also helped me get over the weird factor because so many nurses saw me topless to help us learn how to breastfeed. He was so weak that he could not stay awake long enough for a successful latch, so it was something that we had to slowly work up to and I needed guidance.

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For the first couple weeks home, I was still pumping more than we were actually breastfeeding due to his early arrival issues. Consulting his doctor, she suggested to increase our actual breastfeeding feeds by one every couple days instead of trying to do it for every feeding. This way we could make sure he was successful at those particular feedings before pushing him to eat that way all the time if he wasn’t ready. And then I didn’t feel defeated if it didn’t work every session. It also meant that I was not cluster feeding which is something I desperately wanted to avoid. She also reassured me that while yes he may have some nipple confusion from going to bottle to breast, he would grow out of it in time.

That meant, for the first 3 weeks, I was pumping at least half of the feedings. Now if you look at the time, I would pump for about 30 minutes, and then I would feed him with a bottle for 15-20 minutes, then burp him for about 10 minutes. Then we would start the cycle all over in 1 or 2 hours. So I felt like I was pumping or feeding him all day long anyway. I never really felt like I got a break from it.

Around week 4, was also the time that my milk supply slowed WAY down. Because I was pumping I could actually see that instead of making 3 oz every feeding, I was only making 1. I was so distraught thinking he was going to starve or that I was basically going to have to wear the pump all day to get enough for him to eat. Luckily, I had stocked up on the previous weeks when my supply was more than his demand. We completely depleted our frozen stash and were going feeding to feeding hoping it would be enough. I started making oatmeal flax cookies galore and researching other home remedies to boost up my supply. I remember one pump session I didn’t even get an oz, and I just lost it. It was at this point that we bought formula to have on hand just in case.

Those first couple weeks, about every other night Tom found me in the nursery bawling. I was so upset that we couldn’t figure out this breastfeeding thing. George still was not staying on the latch for very long so it took us twice as long to eat during our breastfeeding sessions. I was so exhausted from pumping and cleaning pumping parts. George was fussy all night, but then would sleep through the day. I felt like a failure. My chest was constantly sore from either being engorged or being over pumped. I wasn’t able to find a happy medium. I was exhausted. I felt guilty that I could not live up to the hype of breastfeeding super moms. I didn’t feel the connection that moms wrote about with breastfeeding. I honestly came to resent every feeding session because I felt like I was failing at it so miserably, and I hated it being a chore. I wanted to give up. EVERY DAY.

But I kept at it, and told myself to just make it until he is a month old.

Right around the time that George was a month old, we had “successfully” transitioned to solely breastfeeding so I told myself make until 2 months.

It still wasn’t glorious, but we were making gains.

I felt like something was missing though. I read so much about the bonding experience and how joyous this was for both the mom and the baby.

I am here to say that I did not feel that. I felt used. I felt beaten. I did not feel like a person.

I was just a feeding machine. I couldn’t “enjoy” this time.

Also George was finding use of his limbs and liked to do acrobats.

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He would bob his head all over my nipples before latching on. He pushes, he scratches, and he grabs at them. My nipples started to feel like I had skidded naked across a basketball court and survived the worst floor burn.

It is definitely not a pleasant feeling to have someone sucking on your boobs for food. Some times it is just like a tug; other times it feels like a searing pan through your chest or they feel like you just burned them. There is a range of pain, and I have felt it all.

My boobs were always sore. I never felt comfortable in my clothes because they would just rub and become more raw. I have used so many nipple creams and went to the web for suggestions. There was a time that I was topless more than not. And I, like my son, do not like being naked.

So instead of looking blissfully at my sweet baby while he nestled into my chest (as every breastfeeding picture EVER made depicts it), I was constantly fighting the next runner up for USA’s Gymnastics team to keep his head near my nipple and his hands away from tenderizing my boobs as a landing post. I was constantly frustrated with him because he wouldn’t just eat, and when we weren’t feeding he was sucking on everything in sight. I didn’t like that I had to hold him forcibly in place to eat. And since I had to keep my hands on him to keep him in place, I basically watched the clock tick away our time instead of reading or scouring Pinterest like many breastfeeding moms do. My hands were tied and I felt paralyzed when we were feeding. Nothing makes the time go slower than watching the time. I probably would have gone crazy if it weren’t for Netflix.

It was not until about week 6 that I feel like we got into a comfortable groove where I didn’t dread every time George had to eat. He was finally staying on the latch for an entire session instead of falling asleep and falling off it at least 5 times. We didn’t really do anything different; it just started clicking for us. This was also about the time that he started sleeping through the night.

He was a different baby, and I became a different mom.

My nerves started calming down, and I felt much better about breastfeeding. George was gaining weight, and I didn’t feel anxious all the time.

George was eating, and I wasn’t crying. Win win.

It has only been recently that I have started feeling that bond of breastfeeding. It took me almost 2 months folks. It was not instantaneous for me, which probably pressured me more to rush that feeling. And trying to feel something that wasn’t there made me more guilty about breastfeeding. (In case you were concerned, I bonded with my son, just not when we were feeding.) It was a really hard road to get to this point. And there were moments where I felt like I was a bad mom because I hated breastfeeding.

I am glad we have stuck it out despite feeling awful at times. I will say that if I had had to go back to work sooner, I don’t know if we would have made it. Luckily I had those couple months to take the sleep deprivating time to work everything out. Things probably would have gone very differently if I had to go back to work at 6 weeks.

We do have our sweet moments now. I can enjoy the gurgle that only happens after he feeds. I can smile back at him when he looks up at me ready to be burped. I cherish the way that his hand grabs my tshirt like he is holding on for dear life. This is the time of day that it’s just me and him, and I am reminded how much he is dependent on me. It is a time where I can talk with him or just stare at him. (It is still not all sunshines though. Just this morning he scratched me where it felt like a thousand paper-cuts across my nipple.)

The other thing I didn’t really see in my research is how alone you can feel as a parent. (Just me?) Tom and I try to have a pretty even partnership with all things in our life. And we expected to do the same with George. Breastfeeding, however, is obviously all mom. As much as Tom tried to comfort George by letting George suck on his nipples, feeding him, ultimately came down to me. I think that there are a lot of things that partners can do to help. Tom would help change George’s diaper so I could get all the pillows and burp cloths settled. He also would help with washing the pumps and bottle equipment. There were also times in my hysteria that he would hold George’s boxing gloves away from his face and my boobs so I could push his mouth where it needed to be. Because I pumped so often, Tom was able to help feed George with the bottle, but now since we are solely breastfed, I am at it solo. Yes Tom has been a huge supporter during all of this, but that didn’t take away the fact that I felt so alone. I was the one who had to sit for hours all day either pumping or fighting George to stay on his latch. My boobs were the ones that were being put through a torture device. And there wasn’t anything Tom could do to help because his body just doesn’t make milk. And in my sleep deprived state, I was just worn out and upset that I could not have help in this. There may have been a few times, where I cried don’t get up to help because you can’t do anything anyway. Not my finest hour…for real it was like 2 or 3 am.

I am also someone who let it dictate everything else in life. Most of this comes from uncomfortableness with breastfeeding in general. I am all for moms who want to do it in public, but I am not one of those who chooses to do so. I do not feel comfortable feeding George in front of people. Yes I am feeding him, but I also don’t need people to see my boobs. So whenever we had people over I would go upstairs for an hour and feed him. And I didn’t feel like we could ever go anywhere because we were on this strict feeding schedule otherwise George would get upset and my boobs would feel like rocks. And because of his difficulty feeding I didn’t want to tempt fate trying to breastfeed him outside of his nursery. I even struggled trying to do it downstairs in our living room because we had gotten into such a groove with the rocking chair. Angles make a difference! So there were days that I refused to go anywhere because I was afraid he wouldn’t eat if we did it somewhere else. I have gotten over this slightly and have become more strategic with feeding him outside of the home. The thought of moving kind of forced me to try different ways to feed him. We have done it in a restroom, doctor’s office and in my car now several times. All I can say is I understand the movement for women to breastfeed openly…those nursing covers are stupid. They just make things more difficult. And for a kid who likes doing acrobats while eating I pretty much flashed everyone anyway. And feeding him while sitting on a toilet is not ideal. So if you are pretty modest like me, this was something I really had a hard time embracing. I am still working on it for sure. I still go into the other room to feed him, and I try to find the stores that have “family” rooms to stop in if we are out and about. But sometimes you have to do it in the middle of a crowded parking lot in your car and the cover just isn’t covering anything…sorry to the family who parked next to me and probably saw everything. What they need to do is bring back the curtains they had in cars. My grandma used to have those in her van back in the day. These would be handy for a modest mom. Can we make car curtains a thing again?

As for clothes, breastfeeding has really restricted my wardrobe. Granted staying at home with him, I really just wear tshirts anyway so it really hasn’t been a huge problem yet. But anytime we did go out and I knew I had to feed while we were gone, I had to think about easy access. Also now going back to work, I need to think about clothes that will be easy to pump in. This takes out 75% of my job wardrobe. I mostly wear dresses, and seeing as I would have to practically get naked with a dress in order to pump, I think those will just have to be saved for special occasions. I am a little devastated by this because I LOVE my professional wardrobe. But I would rather not completely disrobe in my office, in a NEW office, to pump.

I would also encourage all new moms to hold off on buying nursing clothes. Personally I think they are a crock. They are cumbersome, and they only seem to get in the way when I try to feed George. The little flaps that you unhook never want to stay down, and with a baby who likes to move they tend to find their way back up between his mouth and my nipple. I have found the best thing is to wear a sports bra with a cami and then whatever shirt I decide to wear. Then I just roll up or down the side I need. I have found it even help put pressure so I don’t have to knead my boobs to help with the let down. Double score. Even with nice shirts this seems to work the best for me. It is just much more comfortable than those “nursing” get ups. I think every woman is different, and you need to find what works for you and your boobs. For me, I regret buying into all the “nursing” clothes.

Speaking of sports bras, another struggle I have had is the big boobs. I was barely a size A before and now I am nearing a D cup. Holy moly, I take back every wish to have bigger boobs. This is awful. They bounce where I don’t want. They touch my mid section which is weird. The sweat is awful under there too. This is also the first time in my life I have had to wear two bras when I work out for fear that they might fall off. And that only makes them sweat more…What is happening…I will gladly give these up for my size A boobs.

The one thing I would invest in if you choose to breastfeed are nursing pads. The disposable ones. The ones you can buy hundreds of and throw away. I was really surprised at how much my boobs leaked when I wasn’t feeding. Seriously it is like a leaky faucet. Let’s also talk about the times that they will squirt George in the face when he is done and they are not. The first time this happened I panicked watching the stream of milk run out like it was trying to put out a fire on his face. This is something that happens and it is weird to watch. They also squirt while you are in the shower or changing clothes, pretty much those suckers have to stay bundled up. Nursing is messy, and more of it will end up on you than you think.

Also what they say about not getting your period while you are breastfeeding is false. It was a nice 8 months without you, but breastfeeding didn’t stop you from returning 6 weeks postpartum. (For those of you doing the math, I bled the first couple months of my pregnancy, which was why we didn’t know I was pregnant until 8 weeks along.)

It may sound like I am really unhappy with breastfeeding. Has it made me miserable? Yes. Do I feel trapped because of it? Sometimes. Am I glad to do it? Absolutely.

I do feel blessed that we stuck it out and have finally found a way to understand each other. It does take time. Some may take a few days, for me it took months. And that is completely ok.

I still don’t love breastfeeding. I still want to quit some days. It is really hard and a lot of work. Probably one of the hardest things I have done in my life.

However, I know the pros for George’s health outweigh my discomfort. Plus it saves us a whole lot of money. Formula is pricey folks.

Whenever I do want to quit, I look at what I have done. George is gaining weight. He is growing perfectly. Something that my body is producing is doing that. That is pretty powerful to remember.

When we decided to breastfeed we gave ourselves the goal of a year, but after that first month, I didn’t want to hold myself to that. That was a big reason why I felt like I was failing. I knew that I could never make it a whole year of that. So we decided to go month to month and re-assess how things were going. If I felt like we were progressing and we were happy, we would continue. If we were miserable again, we would stop. And Tom supported whatever decision I made since it was my body that was taking the beating. His encouragement and support made it ok to stop if I needed to for my own health. I feel that telling myself I can make it one more month is so much more attainable than pressuring myself to go a whole year. Changing that mindset has been the biggest help because I didn’t feel held down to make it to a year anymore. I could be happy with how things were going day to day.

Here we are 10 weeks old, and he hasn’t had formula since he was in the NICU. The box we bought still sits in the pantry on reserve. I am proud that we have made it 10 weeks. I will be proud if we make it 10 more. I will be proud if we only make it 10 more days.

Breastfeeding is really really hard. You have no idea how it is going to challenge you, and what you are going to feel. It can be very lonely and paralyzing. It can also be very powerful and uplifting. Some days it comes easy, and other days it is super frustrating.

So yea it is really awkward and weird at first , but when I think about the simple fact that I am helping George grow…It really can’t get better than that.

I am going to join the ranks and say that it does get better, but also be realistic that it isn’t perfect. Follow the cues of your own body and your baby’s body. You will figure it out in time. And it is ok if it takes a lot of time.

But to be honest, by the time you figure it out, something will change and you will have to readjust.

Welcome to parenthood.

On the plus side, I am pretty sure breastfeeding was the reason I could fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans a week after he was born.

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If you struggled with breastfeeding, my best advice is to set short term goals and not to compare yourself to other people’s journey. Your baby and you will determine the route you take. For George, we have had the NICU issues and acid reflux to deal with; someone else may have allergies that will impact their experience. Research, ask for help, seek advice, but ultimately do what is best for you and your baby’s happiness.

Is it cool to say you fed your baby with your body, absolutely. But it is just as cool to take care of your kid with formula. So do what you need to do.

I am more than happy to talk with anyone if they are struggling or need someone to vent to. I know that at times this was super helpful to get me through those rough days. And don’t be afraid to admit how you are feeling like I did. It was really freeing to open up about my struggles.So hit me up if you need some encouragement or just want to know that someone else has been there!