November 19, 2014 by Stephanie

And Just Like That

And just like that, I am a working mom.

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I am well into week two of being back on the working circuit. (Not that type of working girl, goodness.)

Last week was rough. It was my first full week at a job since the beginning of August. It was my first full week full time in about a year and half.

It was my first time leaving George for more than an hour at a time.

With a stranger.

Rough and exhausting.

But it was good at the same time. We really did have a great first week.

I was truly fortunate to find a sitter for George relatively easily. The timing just really worked out for us here. And to find in-home care was just awesome.

She is a woman who watches 4-5 kids depending on the day. She was about half the price of any daycare in the area. And her house is just over 5 minutes away from my office.

Win, win, win.

I met with the sitter for about an hour and watched her interact with the other kids. The two little girls fell in love with George right away. (Literally, one girl exclaimed within minutes of meeting him, “I just love Baby George, and I can’t wait till he is here all the time.”)

Let’s just say this woman is a Godsend. She really makes these kids her whole world. I knew practically instantly that George would be in good hands with her.

She is so kind and warm-hearted. Pretty much perfect.

This past week she put up Christmas decorations, and George now has a stocking of his very own there. (I don’t even know where our Christmas boxes are right now, let alone having bought anything for G-man.)

She is very patient with his acid reflux and need to be held all the time. Although the first two days I thought George liked her more than me because he didn’t poop or throw up on her at all. Then when he got home he would work out EVERYTHING he had saved up from the whole day all down my shirt. On day three though, he initiated her into the clean-up George’s functions club.

She handles my new mom questions like a pro when I pick him up each night to get a progress report.

Leaving him that first day was hard. I had to fight back tears as I left him in her arms. Luckily last week I was in training meetings for most of the day, so I could keep my mind off the fact that I wasn’t singing songs or attempting to like tummy time with him.

There is so much trust you have to have to leave your kid with anyone, let alone someone you have only had a ONE hour encounter with. You have to let go of a lot of control. One of the many lessons of parenthood…

Every morning, I am a little awkward dropping him off because I try to do it as quickly as possible so I don’t get myself in a tizzy by leaving him. Other times, I realize I am lingering and just staring at this sweet face…

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Move on and make some money Mom.

I feel really fortunate as well that my office is full of babies. My boss just had his first kid two weeks before I started. The other woman in the office has a two and four year old. They have been super supportive knowing what it’s like being a parent and working. This has made for an easy transition because they both understand. Plus, we are gushing over baby pictures practically every chance we get. And who doesn’t mind looking at baby pictures? We also win for the office with the least amount of sleep. How we are accomplishing anything is beyond me.

It is hard leaving him and knowing that I spend a good chunk of time without him now. But as some friends mentioned recently, he will be getting the best of me because I will be fulfilled with my job professionally. I know I am meant to be a mom and an educator. I know that having both will make me better at both. (And my job is AWESOME, but that is a discussion for another day.)

I have to remind myself that it is good for both of us. I truly cherish the time we get together because it is limited now more than before. Like this morning, I got a ready with 10 minutes to spare so I just snuggled him a little extra before bundling him in the car. George benefits by interacting with other kids, but also by seeing his mom and dad work and being excited about their careers. I hope that he will see Tom and I loving our jobs and be motivated in his own career path to feel the way that we do. It is also good knowing that he has a community of people who are going to love and support him, and I don’t have to feel the pressure to be his whole and only world. (Even though selfishly at times, I want to be just that.)

This little man deserves the best, so his dad and I are doing what we can to make that for him.

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I don’t really have a lot of advice when trying to find childcare. We went totally off recommendations, so if you know someone in the area with kids I would start with their suggestions. The rest was a gut feeling. Sometimes you just know who you can trust and who you can’t.

While it is not easy leaving him in the care of someone else, it is getting easier as we adjust.

And you really can’t beat coming home to that face everyday!

November 6, 2014 by Stephanie

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys to the Yard

Ok really my milkshake only brings one boy.

George is pretty keen on my milk.

We have been breastfeeding now for 10 weeks. He has gained almost 4 lbs since his birth and now sits right over 9lbs.

But I am not here to talk about how big my guy is getting (although I am pumped we are filling out newborn clothes finally).

I am here today to talk about my love-hate relationship with breastfeeding. So if you don’t want to hear me talk about my boobs, than you should stop reading now.

I also apologize that this is a very lengthy post, but I have a lot to get of my chest (pun not intended).

There seems to be a growing trend for breastfeeding, and there is so much reading material out there. You can read on how to breastfeed, the benefits of it, and the community of breastfeeding moms.

I think in almost every article/book I read there was a brief mention about the difficulty of adjusting, but it did not go into much detail. I read advice and received many words of encouragement that “it gets better.” I heard over and over “keep at it,” but no one ever shared what it was actually like. So there were a lot of moments where I felt alone or guilty for feeling the way that I was feeling towards breastfeeding. Why is it so difficult? I just wanted someone to open up and say more than “it gets better.” In their defense, I also wasn’t able to admit how awful I was feeling about it.

(Note these were helpful words of encouragement, so if you gave me this advice please don’t think that I didn’t appreciate it!)

So here is my journey in breastfeeding, and I want to be brutal honest. I am one of those people that likes to know all the details, and some of these things may be helpful to at least wrap your head around before you start.

Let’s be clear first. This is supposed to be a post venting my frustrations as a mom who breastfeeds. Obviously I see that there are benefits to doing this, which is why I have continued, but to be frank it has been a struggle. And I want others to know the details in case they are experiencing similar things.

Growing up I was never around anyone who breastfed. It was something that was never really talked about in the circles I was in. My exposure to it was next to nothing until I started following some mommy bloggers, and we started seriously considering having kids.

I also need you to note that the word “breast” for me is like the word “moist’ for some people. And nipples. They both bother me. I still cringe when those words are said even though it is in my everyday vocabulary.

I guess you could say that my modesty had set me up to be uncomfortable with breastfeeding. It’s not that I don’t see the benefits or agree that people should be allowed to do it, but there was something about the act of it that just made me uncomfortable.

Please tell me that it is not weird to think about a human being sucking something out of your boobs? Maybe I am alone on this, but it was/is weird for me to think about.

So that uncomfortableness was the first thing I had to get over. And I did because I knew it would be beneficial for George to be naturally fed. I researched and read all that I could to become more comfortable with it. This part of parenthood was the most terrifying to me, so I was doing my best to be prepared. I was trying to say “breast” as much as possible to normalize the word….no such luck.

Now come to our first week of breastfeeding. Since he was a NICU baby, we didn’t have a normal breastfeeding experience. I remember feeling so defeated that I couldn’t have that first feed with him moments after he was born. EVERYTHING I had read said that this was vital in creating a successful breastfeeding experience, so naturally I thought we were doomed. Then to find out he would have to supplement with formula and be bottle fed for a few days…crushed and double doom. For that first week, I pumped as much as I could, exalting when I finally was able to pump a full ounce. By the end of that week, we were able to actually breastfeed one feeding a day. And it also helped me get over the weird factor because so many nurses saw me topless to help us learn how to breastfeed. He was so weak that he could not stay awake long enough for a successful latch, so it was something that we had to slowly work up to and I needed guidance.

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For the first couple weeks home, I was still pumping more than we were actually breastfeeding due to his early arrival issues. Consulting his doctor, she suggested to increase our actual breastfeeding feeds by one every couple days instead of trying to do it for every feeding. This way we could make sure he was successful at those particular feedings before pushing him to eat that way all the time if he wasn’t ready. And then I didn’t feel defeated if it didn’t work every session. It also meant that I was not cluster feeding which is something I desperately wanted to avoid. She also reassured me that while yes he may have some nipple confusion from going to bottle to breast, he would grow out of it in time.

That meant, for the first 3 weeks, I was pumping at least half of the feedings. Now if you look at the time, I would pump for about 30 minutes, and then I would feed him with a bottle for 15-20 minutes, then burp him for about 10 minutes. Then we would start the cycle all over in 1 or 2 hours. So I felt like I was pumping or feeding him all day long anyway. I never really felt like I got a break from it.

Around week 4, was also the time that my milk supply slowed WAY down. Because I was pumping I could actually see that instead of making 3 oz every feeding, I was only making 1. I was so distraught thinking he was going to starve or that I was basically going to have to wear the pump all day to get enough for him to eat. Luckily, I had stocked up on the previous weeks when my supply was more than his demand. We completely depleted our frozen stash and were going feeding to feeding hoping it would be enough. I started making oatmeal flax cookies galore and researching other home remedies to boost up my supply. I remember one pump session I didn’t even get an oz, and I just lost it. It was at this point that we bought formula to have on hand just in case.

Those first couple weeks, about every other night Tom found me in the nursery bawling. I was so upset that we couldn’t figure out this breastfeeding thing. George still was not staying on the latch for very long so it took us twice as long to eat during our breastfeeding sessions. I was so exhausted from pumping and cleaning pumping parts. George was fussy all night, but then would sleep through the day. I felt like a failure. My chest was constantly sore from either being engorged or being over pumped. I wasn’t able to find a happy medium. I was exhausted. I felt guilty that I could not live up to the hype of breastfeeding super moms. I didn’t feel the connection that moms wrote about with breastfeeding. I honestly came to resent every feeding session because I felt like I was failing at it so miserably, and I hated it being a chore. I wanted to give up. EVERY DAY.

But I kept at it, and told myself to just make it until he is a month old.

Right around the time that George was a month old, we had “successfully” transitioned to solely breastfeeding so I told myself make until 2 months.

It still wasn’t glorious, but we were making gains.

I felt like something was missing though. I read so much about the bonding experience and how joyous this was for both the mom and the baby.

I am here to say that I did not feel that. I felt used. I felt beaten. I did not feel like a person.

I was just a feeding machine. I couldn’t “enjoy” this time.

Also George was finding use of his limbs and liked to do acrobats.

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He would bob his head all over my nipples before latching on. He pushes, he scratches, and he grabs at them. My nipples started to feel like I had skidded naked across a basketball court and survived the worst floor burn.

It is definitely not a pleasant feeling to have someone sucking on your boobs for food. Some times it is just like a tug; other times it feels like a searing pan through your chest or they feel like you just burned them. There is a range of pain, and I have felt it all.

My boobs were always sore. I never felt comfortable in my clothes because they would just rub and become more raw. I have used so many nipple creams and went to the web for suggestions. There was a time that I was topless more than not. And I, like my son, do not like being naked.

So instead of looking blissfully at my sweet baby while he nestled into my chest (as every breastfeeding picture EVER made depicts it), I was constantly fighting the next runner up for USA’s Gymnastics team to keep his head near my nipple and his hands away from tenderizing my boobs as a landing post. I was constantly frustrated with him because he wouldn’t just eat, and when we weren’t feeding he was sucking on everything in sight. I didn’t like that I had to hold him forcibly in place to eat. And since I had to keep my hands on him to keep him in place, I basically watched the clock tick away our time instead of reading or scouring Pinterest like many breastfeeding moms do. My hands were tied and I felt paralyzed when we were feeding. Nothing makes the time go slower than watching the time. I probably would have gone crazy if it weren’t for Netflix.

It was not until about week 6 that I feel like we got into a comfortable groove where I didn’t dread every time George had to eat. He was finally staying on the latch for an entire session instead of falling asleep and falling off it at least 5 times. We didn’t really do anything different; it just started clicking for us. This was also about the time that he started sleeping through the night.

He was a different baby, and I became a different mom.

My nerves started calming down, and I felt much better about breastfeeding. George was gaining weight, and I didn’t feel anxious all the time.

George was eating, and I wasn’t crying. Win win.

It has only been recently that I have started feeling that bond of breastfeeding. It took me almost 2 months folks. It was not instantaneous for me, which probably pressured me more to rush that feeling. And trying to feel something that wasn’t there made me more guilty about breastfeeding. (In case you were concerned, I bonded with my son, just not when we were feeding.) It was a really hard road to get to this point. And there were moments where I felt like I was a bad mom because I hated breastfeeding.

I am glad we have stuck it out despite feeling awful at times. I will say that if I had had to go back to work sooner, I don’t know if we would have made it. Luckily I had those couple months to take the sleep deprivating time to work everything out. Things probably would have gone very differently if I had to go back to work at 6 weeks.

We do have our sweet moments now. I can enjoy the gurgle that only happens after he feeds. I can smile back at him when he looks up at me ready to be burped. I cherish the way that his hand grabs my tshirt like he is holding on for dear life. This is the time of day that it’s just me and him, and I am reminded how much he is dependent on me. It is a time where I can talk with him or just stare at him. (It is still not all sunshines though. Just this morning he scratched me where it felt like a thousand paper-cuts across my nipple.)

The other thing I didn’t really see in my research is how alone you can feel as a parent. (Just me?) Tom and I try to have a pretty even partnership with all things in our life. And we expected to do the same with George. Breastfeeding, however, is obviously all mom. As much as Tom tried to comfort George by letting George suck on his nipples, feeding him, ultimately came down to me. I think that there are a lot of things that partners can do to help. Tom would help change George’s diaper so I could get all the pillows and burp cloths settled. He also would help with washing the pumps and bottle equipment. There were also times in my hysteria that he would hold George’s boxing gloves away from his face and my boobs so I could push his mouth where it needed to be. Because I pumped so often, Tom was able to help feed George with the bottle, but now since we are solely breastfed, I am at it solo. Yes Tom has been a huge supporter during all of this, but that didn’t take away the fact that I felt so alone. I was the one who had to sit for hours all day either pumping or fighting George to stay on his latch. My boobs were the ones that were being put through a torture device. And there wasn’t anything Tom could do to help because his body just doesn’t make milk. And in my sleep deprived state, I was just worn out and upset that I could not have help in this. There may have been a few times, where I cried don’t get up to help because you can’t do anything anyway. Not my finest hour…for real it was like 2 or 3 am.

I am also someone who let it dictate everything else in life. Most of this comes from uncomfortableness with breastfeeding in general. I am all for moms who want to do it in public, but I am not one of those who chooses to do so. I do not feel comfortable feeding George in front of people. Yes I am feeding him, but I also don’t need people to see my boobs. So whenever we had people over I would go upstairs for an hour and feed him. And I didn’t feel like we could ever go anywhere because we were on this strict feeding schedule otherwise George would get upset and my boobs would feel like rocks. And because of his difficulty feeding I didn’t want to tempt fate trying to breastfeed him outside of his nursery. I even struggled trying to do it downstairs in our living room because we had gotten into such a groove with the rocking chair. Angles make a difference! So there were days that I refused to go anywhere because I was afraid he wouldn’t eat if we did it somewhere else. I have gotten over this slightly and have become more strategic with feeding him outside of the home. The thought of moving kind of forced me to try different ways to feed him. We have done it in a restroom, doctor’s office and in my car now several times. All I can say is I understand the movement for women to breastfeed openly…those nursing covers are stupid. They just make things more difficult. And for a kid who likes doing acrobats while eating I pretty much flashed everyone anyway. And feeding him while sitting on a toilet is not ideal. So if you are pretty modest like me, this was something I really had a hard time embracing. I am still working on it for sure. I still go into the other room to feed him, and I try to find the stores that have “family” rooms to stop in if we are out and about. But sometimes you have to do it in the middle of a crowded parking lot in your car and the cover just isn’t covering anything…sorry to the family who parked next to me and probably saw everything. What they need to do is bring back the curtains they had in cars. My grandma used to have those in her van back in the day. These would be handy for a modest mom. Can we make car curtains a thing again?

As for clothes, breastfeeding has really restricted my wardrobe. Granted staying at home with him, I really just wear tshirts anyway so it really hasn’t been a huge problem yet. But anytime we did go out and I knew I had to feed while we were gone, I had to think about easy access. Also now going back to work, I need to think about clothes that will be easy to pump in. This takes out 75% of my job wardrobe. I mostly wear dresses, and seeing as I would have to practically get naked with a dress in order to pump, I think those will just have to be saved for special occasions. I am a little devastated by this because I LOVE my professional wardrobe. But I would rather not completely disrobe in my office, in a NEW office, to pump.

I would also encourage all new moms to hold off on buying nursing clothes. Personally I think they are a crock. They are cumbersome, and they only seem to get in the way when I try to feed George. The little flaps that you unhook never want to stay down, and with a baby who likes to move they tend to find their way back up between his mouth and my nipple. I have found the best thing is to wear a sports bra with a cami and then whatever shirt I decide to wear. Then I just roll up or down the side I need. I have found it even help put pressure so I don’t have to knead my boobs to help with the let down. Double score. Even with nice shirts this seems to work the best for me. It is just much more comfortable than those “nursing” get ups. I think every woman is different, and you need to find what works for you and your boobs. For me, I regret buying into all the “nursing” clothes.

Speaking of sports bras, another struggle I have had is the big boobs. I was barely a size A before and now I am nearing a D cup. Holy moly, I take back every wish to have bigger boobs. This is awful. They bounce where I don’t want. They touch my mid section which is weird. The sweat is awful under there too. This is also the first time in my life I have had to wear two bras when I work out for fear that they might fall off. And that only makes them sweat more…What is happening…I will gladly give these up for my size A boobs.

The one thing I would invest in if you choose to breastfeed are nursing pads. The disposable ones. The ones you can buy hundreds of and throw away. I was really surprised at how much my boobs leaked when I wasn’t feeding. Seriously it is like a leaky faucet. Let’s also talk about the times that they will squirt George in the face when he is done and they are not. The first time this happened I panicked watching the stream of milk run out like it was trying to put out a fire on his face. This is something that happens and it is weird to watch. They also squirt while you are in the shower or changing clothes, pretty much those suckers have to stay bundled up. Nursing is messy, and more of it will end up on you than you think.

Also what they say about not getting your period while you are breastfeeding is false. It was a nice 8 months without you, but breastfeeding didn’t stop you from returning 6 weeks postpartum. (For those of you doing the math, I bled the first couple months of my pregnancy, which was why we didn’t know I was pregnant until 8 weeks along.)

It may sound like I am really unhappy with breastfeeding. Has it made me miserable? Yes. Do I feel trapped because of it? Sometimes. Am I glad to do it? Absolutely.

I do feel blessed that we stuck it out and have finally found a way to understand each other. It does take time. Some may take a few days, for me it took months. And that is completely ok.

I still don’t love breastfeeding. I still want to quit some days. It is really hard and a lot of work. Probably one of the hardest things I have done in my life.

However, I know the pros for George’s health outweigh my discomfort. Plus it saves us a whole lot of money. Formula is pricey folks.

Whenever I do want to quit, I look at what I have done. George is gaining weight. He is growing perfectly. Something that my body is producing is doing that. That is pretty powerful to remember.

When we decided to breastfeed we gave ourselves the goal of a year, but after that first month, I didn’t want to hold myself to that. That was a big reason why I felt like I was failing. I knew that I could never make it a whole year of that. So we decided to go month to month and re-assess how things were going. If I felt like we were progressing and we were happy, we would continue. If we were miserable again, we would stop. And Tom supported whatever decision I made since it was my body that was taking the beating. His encouragement and support made it ok to stop if I needed to for my own health. I feel that telling myself I can make it one more month is so much more attainable than pressuring myself to go a whole year. Changing that mindset has been the biggest help because I didn’t feel held down to make it to a year anymore. I could be happy with how things were going day to day.

Here we are 10 weeks old, and he hasn’t had formula since he was in the NICU. The box we bought still sits in the pantry on reserve. I am proud that we have made it 10 weeks. I will be proud if we make it 10 more. I will be proud if we only make it 10 more days.

Breastfeeding is really really hard. You have no idea how it is going to challenge you, and what you are going to feel. It can be very lonely and paralyzing. It can also be very powerful and uplifting. Some days it comes easy, and other days it is super frustrating.

So yea it is really awkward and weird at first , but when I think about the simple fact that I am helping George grow…It really can’t get better than that.

I am going to join the ranks and say that it does get better, but also be realistic that it isn’t perfect. Follow the cues of your own body and your baby’s body. You will figure it out in time. And it is ok if it takes a lot of time.

But to be honest, by the time you figure it out, something will change and you will have to readjust.

Welcome to parenthood.

On the plus side, I am pretty sure breastfeeding was the reason I could fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans a week after he was born.

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If you struggled with breastfeeding, my best advice is to set short term goals and not to compare yourself to other people’s journey. Your baby and you will determine the route you take. For George, we have had the NICU issues and acid reflux to deal with; someone else may have allergies that will impact their experience. Research, ask for help, seek advice, but ultimately do what is best for you and your baby’s happiness.

Is it cool to say you fed your baby with your body, absolutely. But it is just as cool to take care of your kid with formula. So do what you need to do.

I am more than happy to talk with anyone if they are struggling or need someone to vent to. I know that at times this was super helpful to get me through those rough days. And don’t be afraid to admit how you are feeling like I did. It was really freeing to open up about my struggles.So hit me up if you need some encouragement or just want to know that someone else has been there!

September 4, 2014 by Stephanie

They Put Baby in the Corner

I left off with George coming out of my belly at 5:17 pm.

Our hospital has a rooming in policy, and they are very big on giving the families as much time together. They first will check all his vitals and they have a few tests that the baby has to pass before leaving us with him for an hour.

Because I was on magnesium for about 19 hours, George took on some of the drug too. My side effects were to feel like death, so you can imagine the toll it took on George’s little 5 lb 14 oz body. The mag made him super sleepy and sluggish so he did not pass some of the breathing tests and reflex test.

So I was able to hold George for about 2 minutes before they took him to the nursery to get a closer look at him. Even then, he was swaddled in so many blankets all I got to experience was his bluish gray face, no counting toes or seeing those knobby knees. Tom did not get a chance at all to hold our little man at this point.

Not exactly how we imagined this to go.

I am not sure how much time had passed, I was high as a kite with the mag drip still coursing through my veins. It could not have been very long before the nursery nurse practitioner and attending doctor came to our room to let us know that they took George to the NICU to put him on oxygen.

He was not able to breath on his own. Those last few weeks are time for babies to fully develop their lung and intestines. So in addition to not being able to breath, he was also put on an IV because he could not feed on his own.

He was on the oxygen for 3 days, and the IV for two days.

Feeding George went from the having an IV, feeding him drops of breastmilk from a syringe, breastmilk in a bottle and increasing mL he took with each feeding, to finally testing the breastfeeding waters 5 days after he was born.

While in the NICU, they also did heart scans on him because he had a murmur at first. He had some holes, but they all turned out to be normal holes that all babies have due to being hooked up to an umbilical cord for 9 months. I wasn’t aware that the heart isn’t fully developed at birth, and that murmurs are pretty common in newborns. The second heart scan gave us some positive news that these holes were closing on their own like they should. We do have to do a two month follow up with a heart specialist in Nashville just to make sure he is still progressing.

He also has jaundice and had to be put on photo-therapy until the day before he left. He still has high billy levels so we are taking a few minutes outside each day to hopefully get that down on his own. They also say the more he eats the more he will work it out of his system. We are having to go back in every couple days to get his levels checked to make sure he doesn’t have to go back to the hospital for even more photo-therapy. We are trying to kick the jaundice like a bad habit.

But hey we got to see him rock these shades.

So that was the prognosis of why he was in the NICU.

That was all technical, but there are so many emotions that no one prepares you for when you have a NICU baby.

You always think that it wont happen to you, and that you will get to take home your little one soon after the birth. Yea you hear the stories and read the articles trying to get you to think about the possibilities. However, I think most of us choose to be optimistic and brush the forewarning aside.

Even if you do think about the what ifs, you are never ready for the shock of the news that your baby had to go to intensive care. That reality cannot be explained.

You cannot prepare for the feelings of being helpless as you see him being strapped to monitors and watch him cry as he is poked and prodded.

I was so overwhelmed the first time I saw him 28 hours after he was born. Overwhelmed with worry that something else could go wrong, but happiness that he is alive.

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You never think this is how you will spend time with your newborn.

You are disappointed that you can’t snuggle him close.

You are heartbroken that he has all of these gadgets attached to him.

You are taken over from anxiety that every knock on your door or phone call will be someone telling you even more bad news. So sleep isn’t really happening because each time I closed my eyes I feared the worst.

You are just scared.

I think you would expect those emotions to come but maybe not the depth of them and how paralyzing they can be at times.

The one that I was not expecting was the guilt.

Seeing that it was my blood pressure that caused George’s 3 week early entrance to the world, I felt like it was all my fault. I felt responsible for not being able to carry him full term so his lungs could develop. I hated myself and my body for not passing my first test as a mom. I felt like I had failed him. Why couldn’t I just get my blood pressure down for just a couple more weeks?

Maybe it was the delusional side effects of the mag drip, but I was so distraught that I was to blame that I would cry at the drop of a hat.

When you have a baby in the NICU, you also have to consider balancing your time. While we could go to the NICU any time we wanted minus the 3 hours they were closed due to staff changes, we needed to take time to take care of ourselves. Having a NICU baby is both physically and emotionally demanding. (not to mention having a baby period is physically and emotionally demanding) I would have stayed in there the whole time if I could, but I had family remind me that I needed to eat and sleep-you know basic functions of life. Once we left the hospital and weren’t just down the hall we had to keep in mind the time it takes to get to and from the hospital and how to break up the day to make the most of the drives. But all the while when you don’t go see him you think, “Are we being bad parents because we aren’t at his side every second?” How does he know that we love him if he can’t see us constantly?

Eventually you work through all these emotions, and a lot of it goes away for those moments where you get to hold his hand and you see his improvements each day. You start focusing on the positives and push aside the ugly emotions so you can celebrate the small (yet huge) strides towards being free of the NICU.

Holding George sans tubing for the first time was possible one of the best moments of my life. This happened three days after he was born.

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You realize that while the experience is difficult, it is a blessing to have the NICU staff taking care of your little one. He is getting 24 hour attention and being observed by professionals to encourage his growth. I would love to be the one giving him that attention, but let’s be honest I have no idea what I am doing so it was comforting to be able to chat with medical professionals every day on how to do things. Knowing they were taking ever precaution was comforting that we would have a healthy baby soon. We were able to ask all kinds of questions related to parenthood and how to be the best for George. It was like a gradual and practical introduction to taking care of our baby. It was very reassuring to have that help and guidance. Gotta look at the positives.

I was also able to get a lot of assistance and hands on help with breastfeeding which we would not have had outside of the NICU. Granted, we are still working on that because he still isn’t strong enough to do it for long, but the nurses were so encouraging and gave me some great advice for his particular situation. They made me feel better about issues that we were having, and I feel so much more at ease about the one thing that I was most anxious about prior to giving birth.

Coming home without George was definitely painful and devastating, but it gave Tom and I time to rest and get our house fully ready for our little guy.

We feel very fortunate for the staff who took care of him for his first week. George followed their guidance and was able to get stronger with each passing day. Every time we came to visit, he passed another NICU milestone and was one step closer to coming home with us. That week in NICU felt like an eternity too, but I know we are lucky that we had a positive experience and that it wasn’t any longer than the 7 days.

Our little guy is a fighter, and now we get to have him all to ourselves. And we are so thankful for that. The security blanket of having 24 hour staff to ask for help has been lifted, and they actually trusted us to take him home.

We can totally do this right?

I won’t lie, I had my first mommy panic attack sans hospital on the car ride home from the hospital…chalk it up to sleep deprivation.

Oh and they really did put our baby in the corner.

Thank you to everyone who said prayers, sent good vibes our way, or reached out with words of support. This was one of the most difficult weeks, and those thoughts in our direction were definitely appreciated.

Now I hope you are ready for George pictures in overdrive now that I have my hands on him full time. Check out #georgegram on my Instagram for the latest adorable thing.

As Tom put it about his sneezes, “It’s the most adorable thing. It’s like seeing a puppy ride a pony.”

August 7, 2014 by Stephanie

Led Here

I never imagined that my life would lead here.

Growing up, I always dreamed of being a career woman. I watched my parents be working parents, and so that is all I had come to know.

I always figured I would be a working mom.

Even once we got pregnant, we talked about how we would dive into parenthood with both of us having jobs. We decided that I would continue to look for full-time work and hope that would happen before George arrived.

I never imagined that my life would lead here.

To this moment.

After next week, I am accepting the role of a stay-at-home mom.

This was by no means an easy decision. We toiled over it for months and looked at all of our options and circumstances.

So I come to this with mixed emotions.

On the one hand, I am excited to be able to focus solely on our family. I believe that the time that I will have to be with George will be something I never regret. To be able to be there for every moment of this precious time is such a gift. I am ecstatic to have the opportunity to be fully present for George as his mom and to Tom as his wife. I feel that we often get pulled in so many directions, so it will be so fantastic to have them as my main focus all day. While I have complete faith in childcare, seeing as many in my family work in that system, I know that no one will be able to give him the attention that I can. So there is a selfish love that I am excited to be able to share with George every second!

But to say that I don’t have negative feelings would be a lie.

I am terrified.

I am terrified that I will lose touch with my work life passions.

I am terrified that we will not have enough money, and I feel guilty that I will not be providing any income.

I am terrified I am not going to feel like I am enough.

I do eventually want to get back into the working game. I truly love what I do with students and know that I belong in an academic setting. To be honest, I am still job searching, and was hoping to have a full-time job by now. Unfortunately those were not the cards we were dealt. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel embarrassed that I went to school for 7 years for two degrees and worked for the last 4 to reach my career goals- all to conclude with a fruitless job search. I am scared that being a stay-at-home mom and having that employment gap may reflect poorly on me in future searches. Let’s just say it has just added on more insecurities that I have been collecting about the direction of my career.

As for money, in reality, this really isn’t an issue. I just worry too much. Financially, we will be fine. Tom and I have good money habits and are decent savers and mindful shoppers. So while there may be an adjustment period, this area shouldn’t be of concern. However, looking at the fact that the cost of daycare is ridiculous and that I would not have paid maternity leave (which meant no pay for a couple months anyway), keeping my part-time job did not seem profitable. What I get paid would have barely been able to cover the cost of daycare. When I thought about driving to work, working 25ish hours a week, and the time to deal with daycare, it did not seem worth it to miss out on time with George. I also did not feel right putting my boss in a position to hold my job for me knowing we would be moving away within the next year anyway. It seemed better for them to go ahead and replace me now and have all that time for them to adjust to the position instead of coming back in a few months only to leave again in a few more. They were going to have to hire someone anyway, why prolong the process? But really, the cost of daycare vs. the benefits of me staying home with George really tipped the scale in favor of being at home. Plus, let’s talk about the money I won’t be spending, like on gas! Um hello? Seems obvious right? My fear really has come down to that it’s hard to adjust to the fact that I will no longer be contributing that cash money after I have been working since I was 14 .

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My job in Student Affairs has always brought me fulfillment and made me feel like I was part of something greater than myself. I absolutely love being in an educational setting where I can help students along in their own path. I find it so inspiring to work with college students and be a part of their developing process. I wonder if staying at home, I will miss all the meetings, programs and intentional conversations that I have worked so hard to have. I wonder if I will miss being part of that impact, or if I will have an impact. There are people who question whether I will go back and feel that I have wasted my experience. Seeing that doubt eventually does wear on you, and you wonder too. That somehow me not having a “career” means that I am not successful. There are parts of me that feel that I am letting myself down by making this choice, or that I am letting others down in the process. This area here has honestly been the biggest struggle as I am looking down at my last week of employment. The “what am I doing with my life?” problem…

But.

I never imagined that my life would lead me here.

I get to stay at home with my first child.

I get to see him cry, laugh, and sleep and everything in between.

I get to be the one that comforts him.

I get to be the one that teaches him new things: important things (like what TMNT stands for) and not-so important things (like what a spork is). (which are clearly something you would teach an infant…)

I get to see George interact with Grace and Crosby (and crash Instagram with their cuteness).

I get to make a difference for him.

I get to experience things I would never have imagined about motherhood.

And that, my friends, is more than enough.

Because the one thing I have always wanted more than a career is to be a mom.

I know that this is the right decision for us and George. I may have doubts and insecurities about how this may look, but I know that I will not be letting George down by making this decision for now. Ultimately, that is my priority. I know that right now, my purpose is to be his mom, and that is more than enough to have a fulfilled life. Being a professional will come later, and that is ok.

And while I never imagined my life to lead me here, I feel fortunate for the time to focus on George.

This is a very personal decision that every couple has to make. I by no means am saying that one is better than the other here, and I am not trying to judge one group over the other. I feel that both have their merits, and have no impact on how good a parent you can be. I know there are a lot of opinions for both camps, and I am not trying to side with either. With our current circumstances, this was just really the best option for us. And while, we aren’t exactly sure how long this gig will last since I am actively still searching for a full-time job outside of the home, I am choosing to remain positive about the opportunity and will soak up all the moments that I can. I know that everything happens for a reason and will work out they way they need to for us.

I just felt that I needed to be honest with my personal struggles and turmoil to reach that conclusion.

Tom has been exceptional in this decision. He has supported me through every struggle and insecurity, which has pretty much meant I have put him through the ringer. I made this decision initially on my own, and then together we decided that it was indeed the best route for us right now. I know he supports me either way and is my biggest cheerleader in this adventure of staying home as well as job searching. (Although, I know he is excited that I will be home for lunch with him every day.)

And let’s be real, I am excited that I can be barefoot all day if I so choose, and possibly not to wear anything outside of t-shirts for an extended amount of time.

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