August 7, 2013 by Stephanie

Forgiving the Imperfect

“I hate you. You ruin everything.” My niece said this comment this weekend when she didn’t get her way and disapproved how a conversation was going. Nothing like a sucker punch…

Then 5 minutes later we were all in her good graces again like nothing every happened and building a cave out of blankets and pillows.

Seriously we should all have this mentality of forgiveness. Be in the moment and let the past go. We probably shouldn’t go for the sucker punches and hurtful words though. My focus here is the carefree attitude and forgetting past grievances.

This is not always easy for me to do in my quest for independence and a need to be right. I am stubborn to a fault.

My marriage has been a constant reminder about the lessons of humility, not needing to be right ALL the time, and getting past arguments so they don’t impede on the future or our love for each other.

I heard this list on the radio recently.

The 5 dumbest things couples argue about:

5. Laundry

4. Staying out late without telling the other person where you are

3. What to watch on TV

2. Cell phone bills

1. Emptying the dishwasher.

Anything sound familiar?

5. I am not sure if we have had a fight persay about laundry, but I am sure we have nitpicked at each other. We have fought over our laundry machine though…

4. Staying out late…yep that has happened

3. What to watch on TV-you know I am not remembering a time where we have. We razz each other about what we like watching. Sometimes he will watch what he wants and I will read or vice versa. We watch a lot of things together too, so I think this helps stave off any “arguments.” We may have tip-toed around it when I first moved here but we have fallen into a pretty good groove that the anxiety went away. And having a DVR helps.

2. Cell phone bills-I know we have fought over the password, but not the actual bill. This was actually the worst fight we had while he was deployed. So silly.

1. Emptying the dishwasher-um sadly probably once a week this debate continues….Did I mention that both of us are a little bit stubborn and have a little bit of lazy in us? Funny though, that we switch sides and use the same arguments against each other. I also think we each are just waiting out the other to see who will break first. haha the age old gotcha game.

Arguments are inevitable. I don’t think that there is a secret recipe that you can shake at it that will let you avoid tiffs in your relationship. I think people are lying when they say they don’t get into fights with their spouse (or they are ignoring things and bottling them up for the fight of a life time or possibly divorce). You are two individuals living together trying to live in harmony all the time. Things are bound to get stressful, emotions are going to rise, and expectations will not be met. Insert fight scenario here.

But.

You can get past it AND still love each other.

It’s true.

Tom and I could not be more opposite (except when it comes to desserts and all things 90s music) which can be a recipe for disagreements, but we love each other through and through despite his hatred for musicals.

When I asked Tom initially about his thoughts on conflict, he said, “There is one simple step to conflict resolution. Soften up their defenses with a MK-19, wait until nightfall, and overrun their perimeter with a superior force.”

Then we had a real conversation about relationships. We came up with some of our top considerations/tips for confrontation with your significant other:

1. Think about big picture-

Me-Does it really make that big of a difference if Tom wants to stay over at his friends to camp over night? No, I was just being selfish and thought I would never see him again. Long lasting effects of long distance…I will see him again, and I know it’s not because he doesn’t want to hang out with me. In the end is what you are fighting about really worth what you and your spouse have together?

Tom-She is either going to divorce you or she’s going to get over it.

2. Recognize each other’s fighting styles

Me-Tom calls me out all the time because I like to retreat. I call him out because he likes to yell. Maybe those play against each other…Neither of these are helpful, but we know that is how we work so we have to try really hard not to push each other to those points just to get our thoughts across. There is also an element of understanding the right things to say (or not say) in these situations. There are some things that may push the person further into ‘smoke out the ears’ emotions, and that is not a place where harmony can occur. This also does not mean to use this knowledge to “win” arguments. In a marriage there are no winners of arguments.

Tom-When you are married, an argument is like a chess game.

3. Be constructively honest not destructively honest.

Me-I can’t blame Tom for how I reacted, but I can tell him why I felt the need to react the way I did. And when does pointing fingers ever really help the situation? But I feel that you need to be honest about what you are going through.

Tom-Sometimes people need to hear when they are wrong, except for me, I have never been wrong before. I take that back. One time, I thought my shirt was dazzling, but it turns out it was stunning.

(And we can see where number 5 goes into affect here.)

4. Actually listen to what the other person’s concerns are.

Tom-I don’t have a funny or quippy thing to say. That covers it.

Me-How can you apply their concerns to your behavior? Are they grounded? Seriously, did you do that? Which leads to…

5. Take ownership of your own mistakes and be willing to say “I am sorry for what I did.”

Me-Sometimes acknowledging it will make things better. But don’t just sorry to say sorry. You have to mean it and be genuine about your apology. No one is perfect, we should stop trying to be. If you can’t be imperfect in front of your significant other, we have some other things to hammer out.

Tom-If I ever screw up, I assure you I will be the first to admit it. But this generally doesn’t apply to me. (My husband is not confident or anything. I think he stopped taking this seriously after number one.)

7. Understand that saying sorry doesn’t always cut it and smooth things over.

Me-Be ready to offer how the future may be different because of the lessons learned here. What can you do differently? Talk about compromise-where can both of you give in a little? You can learn from this confrontation. Learn to become a stronger unit because of it.

Tom-Sometimes it is a good idea to go down to the shoppette and get her an ICEE just in case. Do something nice.

8. Make each other laugh.

Me-Tom and I are really good at diffusing the situation and making each other giggle. (Can you tell by his responses?) This helps us clear up the angry and get back to the heart of it. And really once you start laughing, everything seems better.

Tom-It doesn’t matter where we are or what we are doing, we can always be happy.

9. Lastly, don’t let arguments linger.

Tom-If the argument goes longer than 20 minutes, I have forgotten what we were arguing about.

Me-This is Tom and I’s style. We don’t fight for days, or really hours. We hash it out and then try to move past it. I think this also goes for a time frame of when an argument is relevant. If you can’t bring up an issue in the designated window, is it really all that big of a deal? If you draw out a fight, emotions only have time to fester and think about all the things that you thought the person said (that they never said) and reading into the situation and applying it to every encounter under the sun….Stop. This is where forgiveness begins.

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. – Ephesians 4:31-32

So just like a kid, say what you need to say, and then become best friends again. Be tenderhearted and forgive each other so you can grow even more in love. Understand that every day won’t be a Disney fairytale, but if you are honest and open and fearfully love each other, I think you’ll be alright (and maybe your next romantic comedy storyline). You didn’t get married because you were perfect, but because you were finally able to be imperfect.

I am still learning and still trying to be a better wife. Creating this list by no means makes me an expert. Just this past weekend, I will admit I did something stupid and hurt Tom with my nasty emotions. But my husband showed me some forgiveness and we talked it through. Always learning.

I am always up for more growth in this area, so what are your tips for confrontation and forgiveness?

August 6, 2013 by Stephanie

Friday Filter-Action!

“We get the bum rap for not being the ‘money making field,’ but the arts are probably the only kind of unifying thing in our society…Stories are the only thing that tie us all together. I don’t know a physicist from a garbage man who doesn’t like a good story…We are all connected by that. The challenge is to find the stories that the physicist, the garbage man, the ballerina, and the fireman can all sit in the same room and enjoy or find something that speaks to them.”

(This is a quote I clipped a long time ago and put in my planner. I honestly have no idea where it came from or who it was by.)

Growing up, I remember sitting in front of the record player listening to the various musicals my step-mom had on hand. This perhaps persuaded me into my music and theater careers.

Saturdays, it was a ritual to watch Wheel of Fortune, Dr. Quinn, Early Addition, and Walker Texas Ranger with my mom. It still feels wrong to eat chicken nuggets without the mac and cheese and peas combo which we ate pretty much every Saturday in conjunction with our line-up.

Sundays were movie night with my dad. You always hoped it was your week to choose the flick at BlockBuster. Sometimes Dad was nice enough to let Randall and I both pick! Probably just to keep us from throwing a fit or fighting with each other, and I don’t blame him.

I also loved when summer came around because it meant the book reading contests happened at the library. If you read 10 books, you could pick out a free one. Ugh, how many can I get? Reading the entire series of the Boxcar Children, Sweet Valley Twins, and Nancy Drew-game on! Reading got me through so many personal crisis and teenage angst…let’s be honest also adult angst. A little reading is all the therapy you need sometimes.

Reading..... I LOVE the story telling world. Hmm no surprise why I became a history major. It’s just story telling!

I grew up always wanting to go to these made up places, whether it is in movies, books, or t.v. I am just absolutely fascinated by the stories people can tell. It was an escape from my reality, and I could imagine being anyone I wanted for those brief moments I spent enthralled by these tales.

Reading

I even dabbled at my own story making when I was a kid. I “wrote” and “illustrated” many short novels-as I used to call them. I would even bind them with string, who cares if they were only like 5 pages long. Trying to make my own Belle library I guess, but that ended quickly because well, I am just not that good at making up the stories. My parents did a good job supporting my self-acclaimed authorship though for awhile there.

I have a book with me at all times, just call me Rory Gilmore. You think I am kidding, but I am not. Kindle has made it a little easier to do this, but that just means even more books. You never know where you are going to get 5 or 10 minutes of wait time, so why not fill it with some light reading?

Anyway, this infatuation for the art of storytelling has inspired me to do a series called “Friday Filter.” It will be me filtering through what I call entertainment. It is going to be a review of sorts on television, movies, and books. I am no expert at reviewing, and it will strictly be my opinion, reaction, or just plain ramblings. As my husband tells me I am into teeny boppy things, so who knows where this may go or if you will find what I review up your alley. It may end up being more for me than it is for you. My own book club meeting per say.

I hope you come back this Friday when I review the book series of Nikki Heat from the show Castle, which has pretty much consumed my summer.

August 5, 2013 by Stephanie

Talks with Tom #6

This weekend was tax free weekend here, which apparently in TN is like another Black Friday event. They throw out tons and tons of sales around here to coincide with the tax free time. One of the gals at work went at 5:30am on Friday to hit up some stores for her little tykes to get some of the hottest new school items. I don’t remember this much hoopla in any other state I have lived in.

So Tom and I went to the mall yesterday to take advantage of some of the excitement. We had a great time shopping together.

After Tom selected his new pair of tennis shoes for work, he lingered near the shoelaces display rack.

Tom-“I have a dazzling new pair of shoes, should I get shoelaces to match?” His eyes were sparkling and lit up with glee.

Me-“Really?” (I have married a 5 year old. We might as well have gotten light up shoes.)

Tom-“Yea, I need to branch out from blues, greens, and all the earth tones.”

Me-“I think you will be ok with just the ones the shoes provide.” (which are yellow and black)

Amidst his rugged and sometimes obscene personality, he has his moments as a sweet and endearing hubster. We broke ways so I could go into Maurices while he went to Radio Shack. I like shopping in peace, so this works out in our favor. Moments after perusing some of the new skirts, Tom pops up and says, “You’ll find me at Mr. Bulky’s.” And I am fairly certain he skipped away to find his Jordan Almonds.

Resisting the urge to buy a few items, I left a few minutes after to follow him to see what kind of sugar coma he was about to go under. My heart melted when Tom pulled away from the cashier with an ICEE. He told me I could choose between mint chocolate truffle and the ICEE. The choice was obvious. ICEE all the way! The thought of the mint chocolate was sweet too, since I love most things with mint and chocolate. Love him.

Also, if you have never been to ROSS, you need to hurry up to your nearest store. It must be a southern store though, because I have never seen them back in the Midwest. It is a fantastic place to find some hidden deals for clothes and household items. We have been in desperate need of rugs, but weren’t willing to shell out the ridiculous amount of cash to do so. Our floors are bare no more! We bought two door mats, two long hallway ones, and one large one for our living room. We spent about $75 for all of these! And they aren’t just cheapo rugs either. Elsewhere you could have spent at least $25 for the small ones, and well over one hundred for the large one. Win for us!

Other highlights from the weekend:

Our family was in town. Five extra people in the house and another dog for Gracie to play with!
BBQing
finding the best local pizza place in town by accident (Luigi’s-the crust is delightful)
Farmer’s market, even though it was raining-I had the best soft pretzel!
My niece, Ava, teaching me how to play My Little Pony’s correctly and everything about the “Elements of Harmony”
introducing Ava to Mulan
watching the wedding episode of the Office-Love Jim and Pam!
people watching at the mall

I got out the fancy camera to practice some of my manual modes. Ava was a great subject! I still need to get a good editing program, so these are all before editing. Even though it was practice, I was able to get some fairly good shots of a few moments.

Grace loved having her cousin in town!

We went to the museum on base. Ava wanted to read to us.

We went to the park right next to our house for the first time.

Playing hide and go seek, she would whistle “youwhoo” if you didn’t find her fast enough or if she got impatient searching.

It was nice to have them visit and not have to do the driving. Someday we will live much closer so there isn’t as much time in between visits!

I have another curtain project for you today. Remember the torn bed sheet?

I decided to dress up this bathroom with it.

See how boring and WHITE it is? Again, we don’t want to paint or cover our walls with holes.

So I bought a cheap tension rod you find in the bathroom sections.

Very similar to the other curtains, I had to pin my edges down before I started sewing. This was a little different because I did need to sew all four edges, and the sheet wasn’t exactly straight so I had to work some magic to get it to look the way I wanted to.

Again, this is a great way to start sewing because it is just straight lines.

It has added a lot of depth to this small bathroom. And the nice thing will be that it will be easy to wash.

Sorry the quality of the phone pictures and the angles don’t really give the project justice, but trust me. It looks so much better than before.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

August 2, 2013 by Stephanie

Sewing Solo

I had been dreading my first solo attempt at sewing. Threading the machine terrified me, so it stayed in its box for the past six months.

But a great project presented itself to ease me into working with it again.

More or less this mess was taunting me…

This is our spare bedroom that has been like this since I moved down in May. It was time to make something happen with it. We have one storage room off the carport, but that has turned into Tom’s “workshop” so we didn’t have anywhere else to put all this. Into the spare bedroom it went!

So we decided we would clean this up and make a partition to basically hide our storage within the second bedroom. I feel like Monica on Friends…

We bought fabric to make curtains that we could easily slide open when we need to find something. We also wanted to do bright curtains because we are not going to be painting any walls since our time here will be too short lived to worry about the tedious task of painting. It is a great way to brighten up the drab white walls without all the work!

Here is the fabric I bought.

I am really in love with this color combo right now! So cheerful!

We bought conduit tubes and two curtain stabilizers for the rod since it does have to go the length of the room. We decided to make all of our own stuff since actual curtain items are super pricey.

Tom also put a metal rod inside the conduit to stabilize it a little more since it was pretty long and sagged a little bit. (I really failed at getting pictures of this.)

We did have to cut the tube down to size so you will want to make sure you have the right tools that can cut thick plastic and metal. Tom used a hack saw.

I had to sew the top and bottom, but the sides were fine to leave as they are since we used the full length of the fabric. Since it was a straight line with no backing or anything, this was a pretty simple job. Seriously, the toughest part was threading that blasted machine. After some pouting, YouTube searching, and a very patient husband, I finally got the bobbin and thread where it needed to be. I am a little embarrassed now thinking about how long this part of the process actually took, but I conquered it!

On the top, I did leave enough to make a pocket of sorts that the rod could go through. You can see that in the above picture.

It did take out about a third of the room, but that is OK considering we didn’t acknowledge this room existed in the past 3 months.

I am really in love with it. I sat in the rocking chair for a good 10 minutes admiring our work.

Look at how much Army stuff we have! Those file cabinets are full of gear. One drawer is full of all the sets of Eye-pro (or what I call them, Army goggles). And we had more gear a few days ago. Tom turned in a car load of multicam stuff right before we packed this all back here.

And now that I think I know how to sew, there may be some new projects on the horizon. I hope it doesn’t take me six months to get that thing out again!

It was really nice to get this all cleaned up. It is one of those things that just makes you feel good and accomplished! And just in time for our family to come for a visit this weekend!

August 1, 2013 by Stephanie

Blogaventure-Year One

It is crazy to think that my blogging journey started a year ago. I started blogging with the intent to talk about my crafts that were a distraction from Tom’s first deployment. It quickly turned into an all out life blog. Once Tom returned from his deployment and the move was impending, I wondered if I would continue blogging. There were parts of me that said, “eh I don’t need this anymore.” But after some encouragement from my those around me and seeing my blogging community grow, I knew that this blog was something I still needed.

It started out as a place that I could record my crafty side and keep me preoccupied. I remember having a conversation early last spring with someone saying that I may just quit after we move because the crafts will die down. I felt that I had to have a craft every time I posted otherwise I wasn’t being true to the original intent. Sometimes I get so stuck up in responsibility and structure that it becomes a hindrance-but that is a topic for another day. Anyway this person told me that I should keep up with it and talk about life as it happens with the move, the new job, etc. She basically gave me permission to move past just being a craft blog, even though I had pretty much done that anyway from the get go. (I promise the crafts are coming back, they just needed to take a brief hiatus.)

This blog has been a place of reflection when I can’t seem to piece things together. (It’s like grad school all over again…Reflection without worrying about APA format-heck yes!) It has been a place of triumph, celebration, and support. I don’t always say the right things or say the profound thing, but I speak about what is on my heart and about what is happening in my world. And sometimes I just want to show a dog video! (of my own dog naturally)

Writing has always been something I have enjoyed. I am not always quick to verbally say things on my mind, so writing gives me time to process things in my own space and at my pace. And as you can see, I just have at it and sometimes don’t know when to stop.

When I first started it was merely a way to share more with people I already knew. I had no idea the world that this blog would open up to me. I have met some pretty amazing individuals through the blog world. Living in Ames, I was not surrounded by many who understood what I was going through as a military spouse. Reaching out to fellow bloggers gave me a connection, that during the inception of this blog, I didn’t realize I needed. I was able to read others stories and feel their pain as my pain and saw feelings that I had not been able to put into words yet. For me this has turned out to be one of the greatest gifts of becoming a blogger. These strangers opened up to me in a way that made me feel that I was not alone while Tom was gone.

This has been a great journey to help me process life in relation to my role as an Army wife, but also spanned many other facets of my life unintentionally.

So thank you to those who inspired me to start this blogaventure and those that inspire me to continue.

Here are some of my “best ofs” from the past year:

My reaction to base living

Processing my grandparent’s deaths

First anxiety attack of the deployment

Do all that you can

Marriage is Awesome-probably my all time favorite for so many reasons I could not begin to explain.

My version of the ripple effect

Christmas Devotional

Have a little faith

Tom’s home! Goodbye Deployment!

There are more that I really enjoyed, but I will let you peruse through my blog past if you like. Not to be vain, but I think I wrote some quality stuff in the past year. In all seriousness though, I hope you enjoy it too.

And because I have been blessed with a community in the blog world, I wanted to share some blogs that I believe are brilliant. These are also blogs that I have enjoyed reading and feel moved by. These are military significant others, but let’s be honest, that is the whole reason I started blogging in the first place so I wanted to pay homage to those in that world.

http://armyamy.wordpress.com/

http://clickitupanotch.com/

http://armyeverafter.com/

http://sweettea-lemonade.blogspot.jp/

http://www.thenotquitemilitarywife.com/

http://lifearmywifestyle.com/

http://pearlsdiamondsandeverythingelse.wordpress.com/

http://www.wifessionals.com/

http://janelle-and-dan.blogspot.com/

http://jomygosh.blogspot.se/

I follow a lot of other wonderful blogs, and if you would like to see the entire list then check me out at Bloglovin. You can also follow me on there, just click on the on my sidebar.

If you have read me for awhile or this is your first time, I want to THANK YOU for spending some time with my thoughts. The support and remarks coming my way are at times overwhelming, and I am truly humbled by the comments and views.

So here’s to a Happy Blog Birthday!