November 6, 2013 by Stephanie

I’m an Achiever…who doesn’t have it all together

I need to be open that I really struggled with this post. I have written it several times, and erased it just as many. It was a wall I wasn’t ready to climb over.

Or better yet, wasn’t willing to admit that I had to climb over.

However, I have a feeling that I am not alone in this, which is why I have finally become comfortable pushing the publish button and laying it all out there.

So bear with me as I take you on a journey of unpacking some emotions that have been weighing pretty heavily on my heart the past couple months.

I have always been a person that likes to achieve and get things done. I am always my worst critic, and I am intrinsically motivated. I put my goals on a pedestal, however unrealistic they may be, and work diligently to be the best I can be and push myself further each day. This has manifested itself in several manners: being top of my class, getting scholarships, but also just keeping busy. Creating a to-do list and marking things off gives me a high like none other. I am one of those people that will add a completed task that was not previously on the list on the said list just so I can get the satisfaction of crossing it off the list. It is why crocheting is so important to me. I can be “achieving” something, but actually be still which gives me much needed rest.

(For all my student affairs friends, this is why Achiever has always been my number one strength when other strengths have moved around.)

I have worked hard to attain certain achievements. Getting the GPA, the degrees, and other resume items, have not always come easily, but they did happen in succession as according to the plan. I worked hard and tirelessly to mark the next thing off the list.

My first professional job came so naturally according to my timeline. I proceeded to work there the next three years to prepare myself for the next step. It was a job that I loved and was exactly what I needed at the time. Check and check.

Since everything before had come after hard work and perseverance, I thought dream job career would be no different.

When the Army mandated that it was time to go, I thought, “Perfect. I am no longer a new professional. Look out world! Hire me for that mid-level position. Booya!”

And a year and a half later, I am in a temporary position.

What they don’t tell you as an achiever, is sometimes the timing sucks.

What they don’t tell you is that sometimes you can work your tush off, and things still don’t look profitable.

What they don’t tell you is that sometimes you can “network” all you want but they still may go in another direction.

What they don’t tell you is that you can have the perfect credentials, but you may not be receiving an offer (from anywhere).

What they don’t tell you is that this doesn’t mean you are a failure.

Well maybe they do tell us this, but most of us don’t listen. Most of think, I am doing everything right so that can’t happen to me. I personally have a hard time thinking that “no” and “an uncompleted task” isn’t an automatic failure. Unrealistic, I know.

My position is a temporary position that basically gets audited every so often and is allotted hours on a need basis. Some weeks I have full time status, others I am there 4 hours a day. After coming off a full-time position that had very healthy benefits, I was kind of in shock at first. This position was all that I could find that was still relevant to my field and passions.

I spent a year and half doing resumes and applications, and I have lost track at how many positions I have applied to over that time. I have only done 3 interviews.

You might be saying, “Well, maybe it is your application materials”. Well, it might be, but I have also had about a dozen people look at those documents and I am constantly tweaking and updating. I have a Master’s degree and a resume that speaks volumes to the work that I put in (not to toot my own horn). The cards were just not in my favor to find the ~~perfect~~ ideal next step. Sometimes the stars do not align, and you cannot fix that. That is all it boils down to; sometimes it just doesn’t work out as you imagined. My brain knows this.

My heart, however, was hearing something else.

As someone who is in their late twenties who has worked hard and gotten some pretty nice accolades for the time and effort, not getting a full-time-next-step-dream-job-here-I-come position, was a big blow to my psyche.

Let’s be clear, I did start out very positive about the job. I thought it was a great segue out of Residence Life and into the academic setting that I yearn for. I was hopeful about the opportunity! I was very thankful to still be working at a university and being in the education setting.

But after a couple months, I was yearning for the interactions that I have had for the past 5 years. I was no longer on any committees. I wasn’t developing anything besides witty emails. I was no longer in a supervision role. My meetings with students were reading instructions for tests. I felt that I wasn’t reaching my full potential.

This achiever became miserable and spiraled down quickly. My husband is truly a saint for putting up with me some days, since he got the brunt of my emotions.

I was embarrassed, angry, resentful, bitter, hateful, and just plain sad. For the past few months I have not been myself. I was out of control inside.

Embarrassed of my job status.

Angry that I didn’t feel fulfilled.

Resentful for the Army not sending us to a different city. (FtC was the last choice on my ranking sheet…)

Bitter because I had a job that I loved.

Hateful because of all the above.

Sad because there wasn’t anything I could do to change the cards I was dealt.

I was just miserable. I had made myself out to be this failure. I was fighting a constant battle with my life to-do list.

I was having an issue that my life did not turn out where I had expected. I had created a monster.

I am not really sure where/when it happened in the past few weeks, but I have started seeing the proverbial light. With a lot of prayers and encouragement from those close to me, there have been little glimpses of sunshine in my made up bleakness of a career. It has been a slow revelation, but I am getting there.

I realized that I was the problem. Me. My to do list. My unrealistic expectations and timelines.

For a moment, this achiever was crushed at what I had done to my sunny disposition.

How did I get out of it? Create a list obviously.

But, the list was different. It was a list to help me get out of a rut, how to get through each day, how to enjoy each day.

Basically it is a list of blessings and opportunities that I do have here-finding my yellow umbrella amongst the storm.

Maybe this is the time to focus my energy somewhere else besides committees and projects. Maybe this is the time to learn the little things and take a moment to breathe.

I have to have a different outlook, otherwise I am wasting opportunities. Otherwise I am wasting me.

The truth is I do get to do some pretty cool things at my job, and it is a wonderful opportunity to learn a unique part of the university. Not being a supervisor does allow for different relationships to build with students. I get to go to class with two students several times a week and help with their learning process. I am learning Excel. Which if you knew me before this job, it was a wonder I knew how to enter anything. I am interacting with faculty almost on an hourly basis. I am able to use other passions and my creativity to fill the most random jobs needed for the office (ie the department’s photographer and bulletin board guru). And those emails, they are spot on perfect!

I know that we will not be in Ft. Campbell forever, so this wouldn’t have been my forever job. I just need to be thankful that I was able to find something in my field that is still challenging and be open to different possibilities. While I know that doing excel spreadsheets and emails all day isn’t my ideal work life, this job is giving me something. I need to re-frame my thinking that this will help me get that job I have always wanted as an Academic Success Coach. I just have to dig in a little now and just keep being awesome no matter how little the task may seem.

And if I am going to be real with you, there are some plus sides to being a temp. Silver lining folks.

I have become hopeful again!

This article really inspired to write this. It eloquently describes all of the feelings I had been going through during this transition. It hits the nail on the head for all my fellow twentysomethings.

“Failure is not a period, it’s a comma. And only if you stop trying will you really fail.”

-Paul Angone

I think so many of us expect things to happen naturally and are blind sided when even if we do everything so right, you can still end up in undesirable situations. With that expectation, we also compare ourselves to what people put out on social media.

Honestly, I was most concerned with how people would react knowing that I don’t have a full time job. My embarrassment was driving everything else. So I have to remind myself of this quote often, because I know there are so many others out there struggling, even in full time jobs. This has been a very humbling experience to say the least.

I don’t have to have a job status to define me. I want my actions and the work I put out to show who I am. I want to be known for how I treat people, not how many hours I put on a symbolic time clock. I just need to be happy where I am in this moment, and be ok that it doesn’t look like everyone else’s “highlight reel.” I can still be successful; I am successful. I just need to remain hopeful and make my own definition of success.

And be proud of that.

I wanted to write this because I am not alone in this, but yet so many keep this struggle buried. I wanted to write this because I am not a failure, yet so many argue that my paycheck says I am. I wanted to write this because I am thankful for what I have, yet our “to do lists” beg for more .

I wanted to write this to keep myself in check to my own life and not someone else’s.

I wanted to write this because it’s ok to live in the moment, even if it’s not the one from your dreams.

So here’s to a new outlook and repeating the mantra “control what I can and let go of what I can’t.”

“In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” -Proverbs 16:9

September 5, 2013 by Stephanie

Getting a Little Political

Ok, if you have been watching the news at all, you can see that things in Syria are getting pretty serious. If you haven’t been watching, I would suggest tuning in.

Yesterday, the Senate started the vote for military action, first getting it approved in a committee.

We have been talking about Syria for a while in our household. Regardless of what the news is saying, it will affect us as a military family.

A fellow Army wife shared this article yesterday, and it really made me think. It made me think enough that I felt the need to respond in my own words.

Please keep in mind that I am talking from my military spouse lens. This is not meant to be about why we [United States] are considering military action. It is just my reaction to some of the media comments as of late, what I see at work and expanding on that article.

Many people think that our time in Afghanistan is coming to a close, and some even believe we are out. This is false, even though it is something we have been told even before Tom left for his first tour there. I even heard a politician say something to the tune of “We aren’t sending anymore troops there.” Tom deployed the next week to said “there”. One of our very good friends is currently there and schedule to be there until next February. He just found out yesterday that his first expected child is going to be a boy. I don’t think they would agree that we are “moving out” of that area. Also, Tom is scheduled for his second deployment back to Afghanistan next July. They have started extensive training which takes him away from our family for days at a time and often has him coming home at odd hours of the night. This kind of training will continue up until they leave next summer. I sure wish it was true that they were out of that country!

“But we are leaving the county” (and also Iraq) they continue to report. The reality is that, yes, there are less troops being sent over. Many COPs (combat out posts) are being closed, but we are still planning to have a presence for awhile to come.

Military families will not be affected with the current proposed Syrian Plan. Hmmmm… As of right now the plan is not to use ground troops and to take no longer than 3 months from everything that I have read. That is great and I am absolutely on board with that seeing as my hubster is the ground troops. But when you talk about war, you have to be prepared for the unexpected. While this timeline would be ideal, it may not be completely accurate once we begin. We have no idea how the other side or other countries will react to our plan. You cannot wrap war up in a pretty little package with a bow, which is what I think this plan insinuates. The leaders of Syria are already warning us of what may unfold. Who are we to say they aren’t bluffing? This three month thing could get an approved extension to add support troops to this initial wave.

Plus let’s think about it, if we are going to get involved with military action, some troop somewhere has to take that action. I don’t think they are going to be doing that from American soil, so even though it may be for a couple months, some military family somewhere IS going to be affected. It doesn’t matter if this is the safest plan for our troops, there is always a concern from families. Always. Even when Tom was in a “safe” country on his way back from Afghanistan, I was still worried. I still felt this weight on my chest that I would never see him again. Unless your service member is beside you in person, you have concern and are affected by any type of deployment. And to be real with you, I still worry about him even when he is in the safety of our house. Being in the military is a life altering commitment that while I am honored to be a part of it, the reality is that it affects me every second of every day, and terrifies me all the same regardless of if he is stateside or not. His job is literally life or death. I am not sure how that can’t affect me.

And being gone just for one day affects families. Try saying that it doesn’t affect a family to the mom who has to figure out daycare and carpooling for all 3 kids since their partner is gone. Try saying that it doesn’t to the 3rd grader who didn’t see their mom in the stands at their first little league game. Try explaining how it doesn’t to the parents who just said goodbye to their 18 year old as they board that plane for overseas. The time does matter to us, and we are affected.

Constant battering of the military expenses. I have held my tongue to this point about all the sequestering business, even as I watched vital offices/services around base get closed during regular weekly business hours to help cut costs. But as I went home to MO this past weekend and saw billboards about the fast food strike and the “right to work”. As I have been seeing comments all over the place about how our military is ready to go, I was pondering our jobs and what effort we put into our work as a country. I thought about the respect that is given to those who choose to work in this [military] field without much regard except on big holidays. The military is ready to go at any time. That is what is so great about our Armed Forces. Tom is ready to go wherever America needs him to go (a little to eagerly in my opinion, but I am a little greedy about my hubster time.) This commitment to the oath they took to serve their country hasn’t come with full support of our nation. Constantly over the past year there have been talks about cutting benefits, bases, and military personnel. Here at Ft. Campbell they are going to be eliminating one of the most famous brigades (Band of Brothers) in the next year to hit the mark on the new budget. The scope of what that means, just boggles my mind. But regardless of the comments or the payback, they are ready to serve and willingly go every time. They do it with pride and honor. They do it without constant(or even regularly scheduled) pay raises. I think that is something that people should take note of before considering taking a swipe at the defense budget. Don’t get me wrong, there are some awesome benefits, and I am grateful for what we do get, but on the grand scale of things I am not sure that everyone has their facts straight when trying to say the military gets too much. P.S. There is no sitting out in the military. Have you heard the term AWOL and did you know that you can get arrested for it? Also, war doesn’t stop when you are asleep, eating, going to the bathroom, so a full-time job has a whole other meaning for service members.

I work in a field were we constantly talk about injustice and under-represented groups, which is one thing I love about my job. I love getting out there and connecting people to their passions no matter their past or situations. We all have a voice and story to be told, and I love that I am in an environment that allows me to interact with a variety of people. I think the military should be one of those under-represented communities that comes to the forefront of people’s minds because they are so misunderstood and disregarded too often. They also encompass many of the most common groups that folks think of when you say the word “diversity” or “social justice.” You cannot always tell if someone is military, and many don’t feel it necessary to boast about those achievements. But, just because they don’t want to talk about it, doesn’t mean we don’t need to take care of them in this country. Yes they are independent and have had experiences that are worse than most of our nightmares. That, I think, puts most people in this mindset that veteran’s and military folks can just take care of themselves because of all that they experienced. They can handle anything right? Well, maybe so, but that doesn’t mean we don’t owe them a little gratitude and a hand. We need to be more empathetic to this population and how our politics can affect them.

Because, quite frankly, they will fight to their death to save our county.

They would rather make sure they are ready and trained for their war life. They cannot control the whens/whys/hows of where they go; they can control how prepared they are once given orders. Why can’t we as a country be ready to support them in this endeavor?

Ask yourself are you ready to go to war? I know I am not. So I am thankful that service members are willing to put it all on the line so I don’t have to.

(I have a similar contempt for America’s treatment of teachers, but that is a soap box for another day.)

As I said, this was not intended to be a debate on whether we should go to Syria or not, but I hope it inspires you to think a little harder about what you say about the folks that do go and the support you provide them. Seriously, we should think about any group we talk about and seek to know the facts. We need to hear the stories of that group before we turn a blind eye. Obviously, I am biased, and I will own that. But I see what these men [in Tom’s unit] do every day and I think it is about time someone takes notice instead of throwing stones at what they don’t know or understand.

So here I am just trying to tell a little bit of our story to hopefully remove some barriers.

August 29, 2013 by Stephanie

Let’s Go Peay!

That slogan gets me every time.

I work at Austin Peay State University, and we started the Fall Semester this week.

Things have been crazy busy and hectic trying to work through student requests, but I love the start of the semester. LOVE!

As a kid the start of the school year was always so exciting. New adventures, new lessons to learn, new school supplies. It was the one time of year that we got to really splurge. I loved picking out my new pencil boxes, folders, and back packs.

Yep huge nerd alert over here.

But my favorite thing about school starting was a tradition my dad started. The first day of class, he would take me to Baskin Robbins and we would chat about the day. We went every year from kindergarten until my senior year of high school. And every year, I got the same thing-double scoop mint chocolate chip and chocolate. My brother did the same thing on the second day of school, so we each had our individual school date with Dad. I had first child benefits and stole the first day privileges!

I have kept the tradition alive over the past decade, always finding someone to eat ice cream with me on that first day of classes even when I was no longer a student. But for the last decade there has not been a Baskin Robbins nor has it been a date with my dad, so it has not been quite the same.

Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

This year though the tradition was re-instated in full because Clarksville has BRs everywhere!

AND my dad was in town this week!

So we went and indulged in our 23 year old tradition, which is still one of my fondest memories growing up. We still chatted about our thoughts on education, although the conversation was much more sophisticated than what happened at recess and when the new Scholastic catalog was going to arrive. I should have gotten a picture, but we were too wrapped up in the conversation and the goodness of the BR.

This is definitely a tradition that I want to carry on to my kids. Such a simple way to get excited about the new year and be able to create intentional memories. And it was a great way to bond with my dad since it was just the two of us.

A little Armucation for you. The military allows soldiers to be absent from work the first day of classes for their own children. That way they can help get everyone where they need to be when routines haven’t been set, but also be there for the big moments that come with starting a new year at school. They are very family oriented when they are stateside, mostly because they know that the soldiers potentially miss out on all these things when they are deployed.

This week has been super nuts with Dad in town and it being the first week of school, so I have not been able to blog as much as I had planned. We are also going out of town this weekend, so things are getting pushed back so I can enjoy time with friends and family.

But here are some previews of what is to come:

The results of a blog gift exchange I entered
A blog award/recognition
a new blog partnership
updates on the doggie adoption
crafts galore…I have so many to put on here! I just haven’t had time!
my “math” class adventure

I hope you all have a great holiday weekend and had some good stories for the start of the academic year!

For now, I leave you with my 4th grade First Day of School picture. It was the only one I could find in my house. I was going through my tomboy stage and thought the hip action was super cool apparently.

Do you have any traditions from your family for the first day of school?

August 22, 2013 by Stephanie

You can take the girl out of Residence Life

August is the time that colleges come alive in anticipation of students returning to campus.

Here was my freshmen floor community.

I think this was the first night we were all there, but certainly not the last. We had hallway parties pretty regularly, which shaped my housing reference for years to come. 3rd floor Hosey was really the best. Some of us will be reuniting soon for a wedding!

Since 2003, I have had an active role in students moving into residence halls, whether that was my own move in Fall of 2003 or being the staff since 2004 who checked people into those rooms.

It’s hard to shake that Housing identity, so this past month has been painfully difficult realizing that I was not part of this excitement anymore. So when the opportunity for our office to volunteer for APSU’s Welcome Wagon on Freshmen Move-In arose, I quickly signed up for a morning shift.

It really was a sad attempt to still have ties to my housing roots, but I digress. I had fun in my neon shirt anyway walking up and down stairs all morning. It was a great way to connect with other faculty/staff and welcome new students and their families to campus.

In my transition out of housing, here are some observations that I have made.

1. I took my flexible housing schedule for granted. I could choose my own hours and generally was more free during the day, but a lot of that had to do with being on call. I could go home any time to check on Grace because it was just a few minutes walk from my office. There is no way now to just go home to check on her, since it is a 20 minute commute. Now I have to be at the office during open hours (8-4:30 like clockwork), and if I need to have some time off during the day to run errands, I either do it on my one hour lunch break or get approved to leave early. This has been an awkward adjustment to say the least, but the upside is that I never have to deal with a duty phone or late night meetings. The latest I have been at work or done work period is 4:30. Sweet.

2. I thought I did really good job balancing things when I was in housing. haha I was a mess compared to how my schedule is now. My routines actually resemble routines and are consistent! I had no idea what I was missing with my at home balance and weekend freedoms.

3. I ACTUALLY like commuting. This was the thing I was dreading the most after living on campus for the last decade and having a walking commute no more than 5 minutes. I hate driving, but I find myself really enjoying the time I have before and after work to myself. Part of that has to be because it is really the only time I have completely by myself, so I love just being in my own element. It gives me time to get ready for work and drink my coffee as I listen to the best radio station. Sometimes I find myself leaving the house a little early so I can sit in my car before heading in to catch a couple extra minutes with Q108. Then heading home, it’s so nice to decompress the day before I come home to Tom. I can just unwind a bit. I have also used this time to make phone calls to stay in touch with friends and family. I will say though, I am much more aware of gas prices…

4. Housing people take their departmental resources for granted-ok I will just say that I did instead of making a blanket statement. I miss my big budgets for programming and incentives. I also miss the man power of staff. Being an auxiliary unit has it’s perks that I wish I had taken more advantage of while I had them. You think housing people wear a lot of hats? Try being in an office with 5 people serving all of campus. I knew so little back then, not that Iknow more now, my eyes are just being forced open a little wider.

5. On the flip side though, because I am in an office with only 5 people there are more opportunities to be plugged in many roles. In my short 3 months here, I have seen more of the university than I did in my three years at Iowa State (and I was even on a bunch of campus wide committees at ISU). Because we are a small staff, we all have to pitch in on the big stuff. And let’s be honest, I also see more of the university because I have to leave my building every day. Although, it was nice to not worry about weather while in housing, I missed out on a lot of day to day things by just walking to and from my car every day, or having lunch in the courtyard. My staff use to make fun of me because I didn’t know where most academic buildings were. I can say confidently that I can pretty much master an APSU campus map right now. So I encourage any housing professional to take some time on just normal days to walk around and see the sights of campus, and make it a routine thing to do instead of only when there is big programming. I get to see the beauty of the campus, but also see where the pulse is by actively walking through campus each day. APSU is seriously one of the most beautiful campuses I have been on; maybe another reason I love exploring it everyday. These are all spots on my way into my office.

Seriously, this campus was made for me with all of its swings. Each morning I am tempted to be late by taking a few moments to sit here.

There are a bunch of fountains and art around to look at.

Another pretty swing in a little garden!

6. Lastly, because you come from housing, people automatically think you LOVE planning events. I was voluntold to be on our party planning committee because “she[meaning me] likes doing that stuff.” (Party planning is not what it is called for real; that’s just my name for events.) Let’s get real, just because I have done a lot of event planning, doesn’t mean that I like it. But this is an assumption of every housing person ever. I mean it’s just one big pizza party right?

Even though I was voluntold for the party planning, I asked to be in charge of our office bulletin board. (Another assumption is that we are all creative, which is an assumption I am ok with.) I loved doing bulletin boards and door decs! Actually love is an understatement…So I hopped on the chance to do the one big board we have outside of our office.

It was fun to back in housing for the morning and it helped me close some doors that I had been leaving ajar for who knows why.

I cannot believe that it has been 10 years since my dad dropped me off at Hosey Hall before marching band camp started at UCM.

Here are some more Throwback Thursday pictures from my freshmen year of college!

I have never been an experimenter with my hair, but I think every woman goes through a right of passage by stripping their locks with chemicals. I chose the the perm since I never did during elementary school. We had a night of hairdos on the floor. I remember there were so many chemicals in that bathroom between my perm and everyone’s else’s dye jobs.

These were the first gals that I met at college. They lived across the hall and were in band with me so we all moved in prior to most of campus. We also joined an honors fraternity together that year. Love these ladies!

This was my freshman year roommate who was one of my closest friends through out middle and high school. And we were two of like 6 people from our high school that went to UCM that year, so it was nice to know someone. So many more memories were made that first year at Central! I spent about an hour tonight looking through my old albums and just laughing at some of the things we got ourselves into. She just had her first baby, and I couldn’t be happier for her and her expanding family!

College is a great time in a person’s life. You are able to learn so much if you take advantage of the opportunities that come your way. I am just excited that every day I still get to be a part of those opportunities for someone else. I have the best job!

July 30, 2013 by Stephanie

The Friendzone

Working in Student Affairs you receive material about management and supervision styles all the time.

How to lead
how to motivate
how to create a team
how to create a team that you can lead with motivation
etc., etc., etc…

So naturally going into the women’s leadership series this morning, I was ready to hear how I as a woman could be a better manager.

For the most part I believe I am on the right track. Our speaker said some really great things that made me feel good about my personal views of the workforce and the plans I have for myself. She also shared a lot of the same work ethic philosophies that I had. In all, it was an energizing session to see a successful business woman as a role model, even if you only see her for an hour and a half session.

But I need to unpack some reactions that I am having to one particular statement.

She made a comment that it is very difficult to have friends in the workplace and be successful. This woman explained further that she did not mean she could not have sincere relationships with people at her job, but they just could not be her close friends and confidants.

Keep in mind that she is a “top dog” in her field.

I am 50/50 about this statement.

On the one hand I would agree with this, if the people at work are people that I supervise. These were some lessons I had to learn the hard way when I first became a supervisor. It is very difficult to be real friends with those that you supervise. You need to be able to draw that line for a myriad of reasons. I found that I could not keep them accountable as well if I was always concerned about whether they would like me. I needed to be able to remove myself from that social circle so I could be impartial in all arenas. It is ok to make unpopular decisions if it is the best for the end result, which can be tricky if you are always trying to become friends.

This is not to say that I did not care for those that I supervised. I truly did care about what was happening to them. I would cry with them, laugh with them, and defend them if needed. I wanted them to succeed, and would work to find environments/situations that would bring the best out of them. I was invested in their lives. But I knew when to challenge them and keep them accountable to their job, which was ultimately our relationship. This is just my opinion, but I think having a true friendship can cloud that work relationship. That doesn’t mean you can’t be friendly and show that you care. See how it gets tricky?

I remember telling Tom on many occasions that there were some of my students who would be my friends if we met in different circumstances, but the truth is I was there to make sure a job got done, not to find my new bestie. And this woman reminded me of the why. As a supervisor you need to show that you have the strength to hold things together and be the leader. It is hard to show weakness as a supervisor-I had to undergo the repercussions of doing so on a few occasions. You need to have friends outside of the workspace so you can let loose and be vulnerable so you are able to have that strong mentality while at work. I am not sure I would always be able to be on top of my game and be able to make some tough decisions if I was always worried that it would make our outing that weekend tense and awkward. Your friends are supposed to be people that you have no reservations around, and for me anyway I am not sure this is completely possible with the work responsibilities.

But this is just my own view of supervising students….

So I got to thinking about how this may look from a professional standpoint. Will it be the same as I continue on in my journey in Student Affairs?

To be honest, I am not completely sure this theory of no friends in the workplace can apply to all facets and all fields.

For example, when Tom and I talked about this at dinner, he said, “Yea, that’s not really an option where I work. You can’t big spoon little spoon in a sleeping bag with a business acquaintance.

So I can’t say that I completely buy into that you shouldn’t make friends at work. I don’t know if I would want to work that way the rest of my life. Then it just becomes about getting a paycheck and doing the time, which believe me is extremely boring and exhausting. I think about my profession and look at some of the people who I view as role models and I see them very successful but also having close friendships in our field. And some of my closest friends are those I met at work. I think that is why it has been so difficult to move from one job to the next. But in thinking about it, most of my close friends have been people who are at the same level as I am so there was never a supervision dynamic there.

Then I start thinking about my relationship with my supervisors. Some I respect and think the world of them, some have become mentors and my go to people in a work crisis (and often life crisis), some I don’t like but I respect enough to keep working for them, and some I just tolerate and do what they say to keep my head above water, and some I don’t respect and completely disregard what they say because of their lack of–well lots of things.

But was I ever really friends with them? And did that supposed friendship–or lack there of–impact how I felt about them as a supervisor? My mind is rolling…

I guess my two cents is I think you can have friends at work. I think you need to first look at what your work relationship is and whether or not you can see a personal friendship negatively impacting that role in anyway. Only you can define that for yourself because ultimately you have to live with the decisions you make. You have to think about the risk and rewards and see what you are willing to put on the line and at what cost. I personally don’t believe that I need to be friends with everyone that I work with. I want real authentic friends, and if I find that at work great, but if I don’t I am not going to force it. I will however be friendly and reach out to people that I work with to make sure we are doing what we can for the common good of our institution. But I think sometimes people do mistake this for a need for a true friendship. I will be kind and friendly to you, but we don’t have to hang out every weekend to have a positive work relationship or to create trust. That may rub people the wrong way, especially in a touchy feely profession like Student Affairs, but that’s my truth.

So maybe I do agree with this woman more like 70/30.

Although if you do have friends at work you may just have the newest hit on TV…