Weight: He is 12 pounds! I feel he is gotten big this last week.
Health: He is still throwing up a lot, however we did get him some acid reflux medicine. While it has not stopped his spit up, it has dramatically changed the consistency of it. A lot less cottage cheese vomit happening over here. He seems much happier this month two. Last month he just always seemed upset so hopefully we settled his tummy troubles!
Diet: I feel like this month we finally hit our stride with breastfeeding, which may be a big reason why it feels like he is gaining weight more steadily. I did drop all of my pumping sessions since I am back at work. I didn’t want to try to have to finagle those additional sessions especially since we are not giving him an extra bottle between his feedings anymore. Right now I am straight nursing him since I am working from home, which is such a blessing. Dropping the pumping has really helped with my mentality since I am not doing something every 2 hours now nor am I having to wash pump parts which is huge. As long as I can keep my supply up, we will continue this way on the days I am working from home. I have enough in stock to get us through a supply dip for awhile. Walt feeds 7 or 8 times a day, and on average it adds up to 3 hours of nursing. He is going about 2-3 hours between feedings. My app says that we have had 219 feedings over this last month, and spent 3.5 days feeding him.
Clothes: We did just size up to 0-3 month clothes. It was a bittersweet moment realizing it was the last time I would use those newborn clothes for my own kids. He is also in size 1 diapers.
Sleeping: He is fairly good in this department. He sleeps about 6 hours each night, so that has been a glorious transition. Naps during the day are hit or miss. He does some in his crib and some while someone is holding him. We really need to work on getting him totally in naps in his crib. He is still sleeping in a pack and play in our room overnight. Until we get this spit up thing completely under control, I don’t feel comfortable just yet having him by himself in his room overnight. On the plus side, I can usually just put him down while he is awake, and he will put himself to sleep within 10 minutes. He just lays there and grunts and wiggles himself to sleep without any fuss.
Likes: He loves being held, and his favorite place is upright on our shoulder with his ear next to mine. I think he loves being close to us and being able to watch around over our shoulder. He loves the 8pm hour. He is always so talkative and smiley during this time. One of our TVs always turns on to a static channel, and he loves it.
Dislikes: He hates baths and getting lotion on. We keep trying to make a pacy work for him, but I think he could do without. We never are successful getting him to use it to go to sleep so I guess that is a good thing down the road. Honestly there isn’t much that riles him up. His temperament has been really chill this month.
Nicknames: Walt, Wally, Wally Bear, Butters, Sweet Bean, and Stinkerdoodle. Daphne still has her own names that all include Baby in the title: Waltie baby, Cutie baby, Sweetie baby, Baby guy, and Baby Walter.
Milestones: He holds his neck up so well. His smiles are so big, and I feel like we are just on the verge of laughs. He has been cooing, but not perfectly repeating us just yet. He rolls to his side, but not quite all the way over yet.
Quirks: When he does tummy time, he kicks his legs so hard like he is trying to crawl already. He has almost hurled himself over the boppy pillow with his legs pushing off the floor. He has lost most of his hair on the top of his head. It’s all little peach fuzz now, but he has a nice ring of thicker hair at the base of his neck.
We parents are: doing much better this month. Month two was extremely taxing, and this month has been a breeze in comparison. I really have a love/hate relationship with breastfeeding, and a lot of the animosity does come from pumping. So removing that this last month has been so healthy for me. I have been working half time at work this month, and the transition back has been fairly smooth. I highly recommend any mom try to swing returning from maternity leave a couple weeks as part time, and even better if you can do it from home. This upcoming week is my last week at half time, so the next month potentially could be a doozy. I started working out a lot more this month, and I think that has also helped clear the fog that comes with newborn days. Tom and I also have been trying to be more intentional about having a meal together with just the two of us.
Big kids are: doing pretty good considering this was a cold month with very little time outside. George is really excelling at school, and I love hearing how he is creating relationships there. Daphne has had a difficult month. She has had some pretty severe tantrums that will last 30-45 minutes. And the girl is so stubborn; there is often no reasoning with her and we just have to wait until she is tired for it to wear off. We know it has a lot to do with wanting attention, and it is not lost on me that these awful tantrums have coincided with me going back to work. We just need to make sure we are giving her just Daph time. Being a middle child and big sister is hard stuff! As far as the bigs with Walter, they are still so good with him. George tries to soothe him by caressing his head. Most of the time, George does his own thing away from the baby. Daphne, however, always wants to be with him. She wants to hold him, snuggle him, sing to him, read to him, be on him…you get the picture. She is just the best big sister.
The dogs are: just enjoying their doggy lives. Crosby does like to follow Walter around. He is often at my feet when I am feeding him. Grace doesn’t give two hoots about him.
In case you are curious, here is George at two months and Daphne at two months.
Weight: Walt is around 9 and a half pounds. Finally this kid is gaining weight!
Health: We don’t really have any serious health concerns right now. We’ll see at his check up this week if we need to be more concerned about his weight and eating. He does throw up after each feeding, so I am going to ask if there is anything we can do about it. Looking back on the big kids’ updates, they were having the same problem, however, I feel like Walt is doing it so much more.
Diet: Each month feels like a major triumph with our breastfeeding journey. We are still feeding every 2-3 hours, but we backed off on the bottles in between. We occasionally will give him a one ounce bottle if he is having a fussy day. I started using a new app to track his feedings, and it says that I am feeding him on average 3.5 hours total a day. I am pumping 1-3 times a day to stock up for when I go back to work, and I have pumped just about 100 oz this month. My schedule is still pretty tight around his feeding, but the windows of time do seem to be getting bigger in length. I am no longer using the nipple shields which saves me so much time and hassle. It’s also a bonus that it’s no longer painful when he is feeding. I am in a much better place than I was last month with our breastfeeding plan, but as always my goal is to make it to the next month and re-evaluate. I head back to work here soon, so we’ll see how that affects the dynamic.
Clothes: He is still in newborn clothes, but he is starting to fill them out a little more. I did switch him to size one diapers, but really only because I had a box in the closet when we ran out of newborns and didn’t want to buy another newborn box.
Sleeping: Sleeping is going much better, and I feel that we are getting a rhythm down. He sleeps from 11-4ish most nights and then will go back down after a nursing session until about 8. Then he has two or three naps during the day in about 2 hour spurts. We are doing some of his naps in his crib in his room instead of the pack and play in our room. I have been putting a drop of Young Living’s Gentle Baby blend on his swaddle before I put him down. I am not saying that it is the reason he is sleeping longer, but I am also saying it hasn’t hurt.
Likes: He loves being held laying up right on my chest. He loves the baby carrier, and now his legs are out of the newborn position which has seemed to make him like it more. He seems more interested in his surroundings and all of us.
Dislikes: He is still not a fan of being naked or anything with changing clothes or diapers.
Nicknames: Walt, Wally, Wally Bear, Butters, Sweet Bean, and Stinkerdoodle. Daphne has her own nicknames for him: Waltie baby, Cutie baby, and Baby Walter.
Milestones: He just started smiling over the last couple days. He is also doing a really good job with his neck control.
Quirks: He farts like a grown man. They are so loud, that they have woken Tom and I up in the middle of the night. Most of the time he looks like he is terrified of something or he has this grimace like he is silently judging all of us. His eyes are just so big!
We parents are: tired. It has been an emotional month still just trying to manage all the things and figure out our new normal. We are getting there. I am trying to take time to breath more for myself and I am taking some steps to really focus on that so I can be the best mom and wife I can. Tom has been working extra hours, so he has been tired on top of the newborn parent tired.
Big kids are: doing good. George has had school this whole month, so that routine has been great for him. He is getting tested for some things with the school’s speech pathologist, so I am interested to see how that pans out for him. George is definitely favoring Tom more right now, which is understandable since I am always doing something with Walt. I am really going to miss taking him to and from school because that is time where it is just us. Daphne is OBSESSED with Walt. She is always coming to his rescue when he cries, and she wants to be touching him all the time. She is so sweet with him, and I think she believes it is her personal mission to be his protector and healer. It is just the best to watch. I wish I could just record her all day with him. You can see that she is having moments of middle childness, so we have been making an effort to give her some alone parent time too.
The dogs are: old and don’t seem to care too much about Walt. Crosby does love to lay on the kick and play mat though. We did find out recently that Crosby has lymphoma. It is progressive enough that we are choosing not to do treatments. He also has two torn ACLs, so we are treating him for pain on that. It came down to deciding prolonging his life time wise but have him be on tons of medication/undergo procedures but be noticeable sick or in pain, or just making him comfortable as possible with his remaining time. It was a difficult decision, but we are going with quality of life for him especially besides an occasional limp, he is still leaving the dream life for a dog. He still chases after all the things, and has loved the sunroom to bark at the birds and neighbor cats more easily. It’s just not an easy thing for us to have to think about or make decisions on. We will just love on them as long as we can!
In case you are curious, here is George at two months and Daphne at two months.
Sweet bean, I love the extra snuggles you have brought into our life.
I have been attempting to write this post for a long time, but I really want to be intentional about outwardly processing Tom moving back into law enforcement. For one it is not just my experience, and I need to be respectful of Tom’s journey to get to this place. And with being pregnant and having Walt, it has been difficult to have the brain power to find the right words to say.
One of the things I love about blogging though is that it is an opportunity to share stories and perspectives. There are a lot of emotions and opinions around police officers, and I am cognizant of what that means. I am not going to touch on all of it here today, but here is just a part of our story.
To give a little history, when Tom and I had our first date in 2007, he expressed his desire to be a police officer after we graduated college. It has been all that he has ever wanted and worked for ever since I have known him. He has had many road blocks to achieve this and spent many years adding different experiences to his tool belt in order to be welcomed onto a department.
In 2014, Tom left the Army and we moved back to MO for what we thought was his dream job as a police officer. What would transpire in the next three years became a nightmare instead of the dream that he always envisioned.
What he experienced with that police department was the definition of toxicity. He was not supported by other officers, and it was very much a “good ol’ boys” system. He attempted to change the dynamic in the community by building relationships and being out there in the streets but often was chastised by his colleagues for his proactive nature. He didn’t believe in doing things by rank and wanted to impact his town positively but was told repeatedly he was wrong. He would make suggestions for improvements or find trainings to approach things differently, and the negativity and backlash that he faced showed me that this department didn’t actually want to work for their community. This department made him feel like he was on an island because he didn’t fit their definition. He wanted to be better. I am here to tell you that this is the kind of department that many around the country complain about.
But never the less, Tom doesn’t half-ass anything. He was always trying to do good and learn more, and the job became all consuming because he felt he had to prove he was worthy of being there and more than just a rookie. His fellow officers though felt that there was nothing that this new guy could bring to the table and tried many times to break him. He was seeking value from people who could care less about him. There was a lack of respect, and they were constantly trying to beat the drive out of him with very childish and outlandish behavior from those who claim to be professionals with “high moral fibers.” What was happening among his colleagues began to affect our marriage and our home life tremendously.
In 2018, due to the apparent way that this department spit on him when he needed help, Tom made the decision to leave this “dream job” to work as a court Marshall, which was still law enforcement but with 9-5 hours. It was an opportunity for him to still be a cop but focus on our family a little more which was very much needed at the time since Daphne had just joined our family. It was a chance for him to step back and reevaluate what being a cop meant for him.
After working at the courthouse for some time, it was clear that this job was an illusion of law enforcement. Anyone who knows Tom is that he likes to be out where the action is. He likes to move and observe people out in the community. He was slowly losing himself at the courthouse.
But because of the toxic nature of the PD department he left, he was not sure he would be able to get back in to being a street cop. They had basically sullied his name in this area because he asked for help and tried to do things differently.
The reality though was that Tom just wasn’t himself. As a family we made a conscious decision that if he couldn’t be a street cop, he would leave law enforcement entirely to be able to just be a family man and help us to become more financially secure in a different job market. In the end, it was difficult for him to wear a uniform but not actually be able to do the type of police work he felt called to do.
So in 2019, he left law enforcement entirely to work an office job of selling mortgages to veterans. At the beginning, working at VU was really freeing. He finally felt valued, and his hard work was being praised. We had more family time than we had ever had, and we were able to focus on more of our family goals.
However as the months passed, we could all sense that there was something nagging at Tom. Working a desk job started having him miss what could have been as an officer. There was a lot of doubt and anger at what had transpired in his time as an officer. He felt as though he had given up on himself and his dreams. It was like he was reliving every decision that had brought him there over and over, which made for some dark months. Oh the conversations we had about regret, resentment, and such loss…
Then the pandemic hit and the protests happened last spring. These world events coupled with being stuck working in our makeshift basement offices provided a pivotal moment for him. Not having the ability to do something in the midst of what was happening in our world (whether it be due to the pandemic or the social impacts on the protests) really touched him. He was frustrated that he felt helpless and wasn’t contributing to the solution. It made him angry and bitter that he let some old “seasoned” officers force him out of a job that he loves because they were scared of the idea of what Tom brought to the table. He challenged the typical culture, and for that he was blackballed and eventually pushed out of that department.
So why return to a job that did nothing to support Tom?
Again, if you knew Tom in person, being a police officer is just a part of him. For the two years that he wasn’t on the streets, you could tell that there was something missing. There was no doubt that we did have some great moments in these two years having more time as a family. However, something needed to change. He wasn’t fulfilling his purpose. And having gone through a professional crisis myself, I knew that just because our family life was good, we weren’t going to replace that feeling of purpose completely for him. Nor would I want to ask him to because I know that would cause more issues down the road for us all. I didn’t want him to continue to become a shell of himself or worse resent the normalcy that our life had become.
Tom did go to counseling for some time to help process all of this. Honestly, it was like the police department was an abusive relationship that he needed to heal from. There was a lot of shady things that occurred that I will not share here. Even now, two and a half years later, his old department finds ways to interfere with his professional life. At best it’s a bother, and at worst it has bordered on illegal. Before he moved on to a new department, he needed to put himself in a better position to not have those negative feelings of distrust.
Through the growth and self-reflection, and then seeing the events happening in our country, he was itching to get back to law enforcement. He wants to make our communities safe. He wants better for our kids. He wanted more.
Then a God thing happened. A position opened up in our small town, and it was like everything just came together. He was ready, and here was an opportunity for him to return in the town we live in! And the department was everything that the other was not, so we were hopeful for a fresh start for him.
It still was a lot for us to process as a family. Being a police officer’s family isn’t just a simple thing. There are a lot of emotions and things tied up in it for us as well. I still had anxiety from how our marriage was the last time, and here we were newly pregnant with our third kid. We had to be very mindful of how this time would be different for us and our family moving forward.
And the culture currently isn’t just something we could ignore. There is a lot to unpack here as a family who is choosing this life. This is not the post to address all the situations of privilege in depth because I wanted to set the stage of our lived experience. I hope that those reading see that by highlighting Tom’s desire to return to law enforcement, does not mean that we are minimizing how others are impacted by law enforcement. We know that there are not good cops out there. We have seen them first hand. It was the toxic nature that forced Tom out of the job in the first place. We know the way law enforcement is viewed and the impacts of that. We have many conversations about the type of police officer he strives to be. He wants to be part of the change, and we understand the realities and duty that brings us as a family as well. As much as we know that bad cops exist, we very much believe there are good ones, with Tom among those ranks.
Remember, when we first met, all he wanted was to be was a cop. I wanted him to have that again, and I know that he would not be himself if he didn’t at least try to get that back. When you watch a loved one struggle and you know there is an opportunity to fix that, you want to do everything in your power to make it work.
So last May he went after his dream again. After a long interview process, he was sworn in as an officer earlier this fall, and here we are months later.
Tom is different this time around. It is amazing what a difference some self-reflection can do. Couple that with a supportive environment, and it has just been amazing to see the stark contrast of how he comes home and the influence he has. He is surrounded by officers who value his opinion and actually listen to his ideas. While it’s a small department and different than what he had envisioned all those years ago on our first date, this has been the perfect position for him. It turns out that this small department offers many opportunities that a large department would never have done for him. This department hears him out and lets him be his unique self, which is really bringing the best skill set to the table. He is REALLY good at begin a cop, and to see that being noticed and actually respected by his peers makes things drastically different. He gets to be part of the solution, and that has been really cool to witness. I am proud to see it all coming together and that he is able to honor his values while in a position of service to our community.
We may have lost some of our family routines and our meal times together, however we got Tom back. He is much more present when he is home and happier than I have seen him in maybe our entire relationship. And to be honest, we don’t see his time away from law enforcement as a waste. The last couple years has helped put things in perspective of what is valuable for not only his career but how the right department can respect the juxtaposition of being a cop, having a family, and him as a human being. Because he moved to this department, he will have so many opportunities to engage in the community and schools where our kids will grow up. He gets to interact with them in ways we never would have gotten previously. He has goals for his career that are being invested in by his supervisors. He can actually be out there helping the community and getting to know their needs.
At each point, it has not been an easy decision to move and pivot as things happened along his career. One thing that has been important to Tom though is how this has impacted us as a family. We have talked this through every which way at every step: when to go to the Army, when to apply for many PD jobs, when to step back and when to try again. Ultimately for me as his wife, everything came down to what is going to make Tom feel full. It has not been an easy road. The decisions have put us to the test on more than one occasion, and there is a lot on the line. There has been a lot of growth for both of us on how we want to navigate this as a team.
However, I have known from day one that loving him meant I would be a police officer’s wife.
I think we can all agree that 2020 has been a mess of a year.
But through all the mess, I have so much to be thankful for.
We experienced virtual school and canceled plans like many others. We missed seeing family and friends and had to re-imagine celebrations that sometimes made us miss “normal” even more. Work this year was one of the hardest years I have experienced professionally due to unprecedented procedures and layoffs and furloughs. I lost my grandpa and wasn’t able to properly mourn with our family. Who even knows what my goals where at the beginning of the year. The achiever in me can’t think about it or else I feel shame and failure even through a pandemic.
However, I can’t completely write off the year or wish it farewell with a vengeance. In some regards it has been a great year for us. Tom got his dream job. We got more time than we could imagine with our kids, and we were pushed to slow down with them. We are healthy and safe.
2020 was anything but normal, however I was able to experience a normal and healthy pregnancy even though most of it was spent at home.
I have to thank 2020 because it brought me the greatest blessing with this sweet baby.
In a year that brought so much bad times it seems, I want to always remember him as the bright spot in the craziest storm.
I have been thinking a lot about how we will portray this year to Walter when he gets older. Everywhere you look you see or hear comments about the dumpster fire that is 2020. But being pregnant and having this little nugget was a humbling reminder that even in our darkest times, there is room for hope and growth.
So while when we look at all that 2020 was for us, I feel so lucky that when I look back at this time, I will be thinking of Walter joining our family. For me this overshadows all the sorrow that I experienced through undoubtedly one of the longest years. He was my reason to keep moving forward.
As we embark on the new year, there are definitely parts of 2020 that I want to leave behind . If we never have to do virtual school again, that would be fine by me. Undeniably, there was a lot of sadness and disappointment throughout this year.
But I am also so grateful for the year that brought my littlest boy.
What were your bright spots during this historic year?
Weight: Walt is around 7 and a half pounds. He is not really gaining weight but he also doesn’t seem to be losing it either.
Health: No real big health concerns as of right now. His mouth is completely healed from the tongue tie procedure. Breastfeeding is still a work in progress. I am monitoring his weight now to see if we dip down again, but other than that it seems like we are doing good! We seem to have another “happy spitter” on our hands though. Both of the big kids were spitting up at this age too, so I feel like we are ok here. I also watched a video the other day that was a good reminder that even though it seems like they are spitting up their whole feeding, in reality it is only a teaspoon or so.
Diet: We made it a full month of only breastfeeding. We are still feeding every 2-3 hours, and he gets a couple 1 oz bottles between those feedings as well. I am pumping 3 times a days to meet those needs and still stock some up for when I go back to work. Essentially I am either feeding him or pumping every 1-2 hours. My goal is to make it to the next month and then reevaluate. If we are still on this schedule in a month, I may introduce formula. I really don’t have time to do much else besides focus on feeding him and trying to maintain some supply for him. At the current rate we are going, I am not sure this schedule will be sustainable for my health. It is utterly exhausting and draining in so many ways. I am struggling with this a little bit since I made it a full year with Daphne. I know it is not rational but my brain is saying you have made it a year before, and I am feeling this extreme guilt for even thinking about formula this early. Like some how I am failing Walt for not making this breastfeeding journey work for us, which is basically why I never leave this chair to make it happen right now. But as I said I do know from my experience with George that this is not sustainable for much longer, so we will continue to take a little bit at a time and reevaluate. I also fully believe in “fed is best” and really have no issue with formula; it’s just a debate I am internally struggling with because I have made it work before, and hormones are weird.
Clothes: He is still in premie and newborn clothes, and he is in newborn diapers.
Sleeping: He is awake a little more now. He sleeps the best between 7am-noon. He is fussier in the afternoon an early evening. Night time has been hit or miss with what schedule he wants to be on. There seems to be no middle ground. Either is he cluster/comfort feeding all night or he stays asleep for 5-6 hours at a time. There have also been a couple nights that I have had to hold him while we sleep in a chair because even feeding him won’t console him.
Likes: He still loves being held and getting pats on the butt. He is starting to notice his big siblings and look for them. He loves to ride in the car. I started using the baby carrier over the last week, and he doesn’t like getting in it, but then he falls asleep as soon as he is settled in against my chest.
Dislikes: He has found his voice over the last couple months, however Tom and I agree that he is still our quietest baby yet. He does not like getting his clothes or diaper changed. He generally hates the hours between 3-7 if you aren’t holding him. As much as we have tried, he does not seem to like a pacy. Once he is in the car, he loves it, but getting in the car seat initially is a different story.
Nicknames: Walt, Wally, Wally Bear, Dooders. Daphne has her own nicknames for him: Waltie baby, Cutie baby, and Baby Walter.
Quirks: With him starting to be awake more, I am sure more of these will start to arise.
We parents are: ready for some sense of a routine. With bringing a new baby home, virtual school, and the holidays, this month has been a whirlwind. Exhausted doesn’t even seem to be the appropriate word. Feeding him has been really consuming, and I have had a few meltdowns myself with the exhaustion. I feel like I never leave our bedroom between all the feedings and pumpings. I know this will end, and I just have to keep reminding myself that but it is hard when you are bound to a chair day in and day out. I am feeling like I am completely healed from the birth, so that has been nice to not feel like I am broken all over. I also am able to wear all my normal clothes again, but let’s be real I still live in leggings most days. I would love to start working out again, and my hope is to start walking on the treadmill here soon. But I need to get a better handle on this feeding stuff. It seems that there is never any time between the feedings to do things for myself because there is something else that always needs my attention with the limited breaks. I also feel like I am touched out, which is hard when you have too big kids who need affection as well. It’s just a lot right now to be able to give to all the people who need it. Tom is back at work with 12 hour shifts, so I know it is a lot on him as well to come home needing a break but also juggling giving attention to all of us. Fortunately, the sun room is done, so he can take some down time on his days off.
Big kids are: doing as good as can be expected with all of us being home all the time. I think virtual school about broke us all. It has been a really hard month for George to become a big brother again and lose some of his attention from us, and then to be forced to do kindergarten virtually for the weeks before the holiday break. It just wasn’t ideal for his personality for this all to happen at once. But we are trying! George is also fascinated by me feeding Walt. He wants to know how breastfeeding works and all the mechanics behind pumping. So many questions! Daphne is now obsessed with Walt. She is always checking to see if he is awake or if he needs something. She is quick to try to console him and sings the sweetest songs to him. She loves to read to him and try to find toys that he can use. They both love him so much, and I can wait to see their relationship continue to grow.
The dogs are: now 10 years old! We totally missed their birthday this month…..whoops.
In case you are curious, here is George at two weeks and Daphne at one week.
findingmyyellow.com 