My Husband Is NOT My Best Friend

I know a lot of people claim that their spouse is their best friend.

I am not one of those people.

Yes, Tom is the love of my life. Yes, he is the one person who knows me the best. Yes, he is my favorite person to be with. Yes, I love seeing him every day.

But he is not my best friend.

That spot in my life is reserved for someone outside of my marriage.


Here are just 3 reasons why I believe you need to have a best friend who is not your spouse/partner.

1. You need to have someone you can go to who isn’t your partner. Sometimes it is nice to talk/vent to someone else. You get a different perspective on things. I don’t condone talking bad about your partner, but let’s be real sometimes you need to let out some steam. You need to have your person that you trust and know will keep you grounded. Plus there are some things that Tom just doesn’t get because he is a dude, and the same works for him. My lady hormones are sometimes too much, and he needs some man talk.

2. I can’t hang out with my husband all the time. That is the best way to get into a funk or drive each other crazy. Change of pace and company is nice. (I think this goes for anyone, not just those who are romantically involved.) Sometimes you need space. It is here that you can find new energy and be reminded why you love your spouse in your time away. I feel that if you spend ALL your time with one person eventually you will either get bored or just annoyed because you aren’t having any time away . I think when you don’t have that space you start to see little quirks and make them into big quirks that you aren’t fond of. So space in my opinion is good. Think about why vacations are good for your soul. It may sound bad, but every once in awhile I need a vacation. Hopefully you get what I mean.

3. It takes away the pressure to be EVERYTHING for your spouse. If I didn’t have friends, I would be solely dependent on Tom for every need. That is a lot of stress to put on a relationship. Tom and I having a best friend outside of our marriage allows us to be better partners because we know we don’t have to be everything to each other. The fact is that I don’t like everything that Tom does. My ideal Saturday morning is not one where I lug metal around to recycling yards. If I was his only friend, I would come to resent the fact that this is how we spend our Saturday mornings even if it makes him happy. Then further down the road, I would probably start to ruin his fun with my disdain for the activity. By letting Tom have someone else who likes all the four wheeling and car repairing, this means that I don’t have to dislike the time we spend together but yet Tom is filling that need. And that leaves time for me to watch college football or Dawson’s Creek with my best friend, which are things Tom does not particularly enjoy. In the end it means both of us are happy, which is what we want for each other anyway.

I understand that the definition of best friend is going to be different to everyone. So if you view your partner as your best friend, I don’t hate on that! Also please note that this doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate or see the importance of focusing on quality time with your spouse/partner. (Seriously, Tom is the person I have most contact with in the world, so it would be pretty bad if I hated that time.) The moral of this post would be that there is a lot of value in having friendships outside of your marriage.


Tom would probably not get as into the dressing up as Annette and I do…


There have been countless costumes or silly outfits we have worn over the years.


My best friend was here this last weekend. It was great to have some gal time with her. We have known each other for almost 10 years, and our relationship predates Tom and I’s. It is always so nice to be together because I know it will be a fun carefree time. We can be open and honest about everything and just enjoy ourselves no matter what we are doing. And no matter how long it has been since we have talked with each other or seen each other, it is like we never missed a day.


Annette and I have been through a lot together. We have been through through breakups and budding relationships, through disappointments and triumphs, and everything in between.

We attempted to learn N’Sync dances and created interpretive dances together and road tripped to New Orleans. We have puddle jumped and ran in the snow. We have cheered on our favorite sports teams. We played our hand at being hamster parents, which was an epic fail. We worked together at Worlds of Fun and are brothers in Phi Sigma Pi together. We spent our senior year as roommates and have since traveled to see each other every year no matter the distance. I seriously could go on for pages with the memories…

Because of her, I am not only a better person, but a better spouse.

We are going to grow to be old best friends at the senior home with purple and yellow walkers.


What do you think? Is your partner in life also your best friend? Or do you fill that role outside of that relationship?

10 thoughts on “My Husband Is NOT My Best Friend

  1. Aww, I love this post! I’m so glad Annette was able to visit you! How fun! Dan and I are planning a trip down to your neck of the woods soon – I hope you guys are still there so we can meet up! 🙂

  2. I disagree with this (very lovingly) 😉 Nate is totally my best friend. I have girl friends I can go to when I need to vent or spend time away from Nate but, without a doubt their friendships don’t measure up to the friendship I have with my hubby.

    • It’s all about how you define it! I would agree that no relationship measures up to mine with Tom, but I love that I have friendships outside of the marriage. I love that you have that perfect relationship with Nate!

  3. I have to say that I do consider Zach my best friend BUT I do have a best gal pal (Ashley) who I love dearly and who I consider my twin and partner in crime. I was nodding my head and thinking of her when I was reading this. So happy that you got to spend some quality time with your bestie!

    • I think it is one of those things that helps make you an individual and not so reliant on your marriage to make you who you are. I think that I was somebody long before Tom came around, and I would hate to lose that just because we are married.

  4. I like this perspective! I think a solid friendship outside of the marriage is critical, and my husband and I each have a few reliable close friends. I admire when people have true best friends from childhood especially.
    That said, my husband is hands down my best friend. He knows more about me than any other person and he’s my best support system. So far there’s been nothing I can’t talk to him about, whether it’s stereotypical girl talk or not!

    • I would agree that my hubby knows me the best and there isn’t a topic that isn’t off limits. I love to hear that people have this in their marriage! Yay to us! That being said though, sometimes I like to have someone else’s perspective!

I would love to hear your thoughts!

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