faith

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Is Time Different at 40?

Today I turn the big 4-0.

I have never been weird about birthdays. Generally, I have embraced them and been excited about this journey of life and moving to the next year.

But I have to admit, this one hits different.

FORTY.

It is not a sad thing about aging or that I am having a mid-life crisis, but it is making me pause in a way that I don’t normally do for birthdays.

Age is very relative, and I know at some point I thought 40 seemed so far away. You wonder what milestones you will have reached and whether there is this sudden urgency to “live life to the fullest” because it all seems downhill from here. There are a lot of societal expectations by this time of your life to have things figured out.

But honestly, I am really seeing it as a reset button. If this last year has taught me anything, is that no day is guaranteed, so maybe it is that I need to “live life to the fullest” but I am seeing it more as being bold in my priorities.

My thirties brought me so much, and I have learned a lot about what is important and how awesome my life has become. I am realizing that now is the time to fill my cup differently and prioritize my focus on certain things.

By the grace of God, Tom and I are stepping into our 40s together this year. I am forever thankful for our relationship and what being married to Tom has taught me. This time last year there were moments that we did not think 40 was possible. It is a true gift to continue growing in our partnership and move through life together. There is beauty in realizing all the different versions we have seen of each other. We met in our early twenties, and here we are stepping into another decade with our love story. We have shared and survived so much as a couple. We are comfortable with each other for sure, but within that is a deep connection that has allowed us to navigate life together with intense purpose. I do believe that we make each other better, and growing “old” together is a blessing every day.

While I had George when I was 29, my thirties is where I really came into motherhood. We have created a beautiful family, and through this time I have become more sure of the childhood we want them to have. It is an interesting balance to strike with encouraging them to try new things and put them in activities that interest them, and then still finding time to just simply exist in our own space as a family. I want them to stay little and innocent as long as possible as to not age them too fast. This next decade will bring new things in motherhood as we start to navigate them becoming young adults and eventually start moving into the world on their own. I hope due to the complexities of becoming confident in my own life and the lessons I have learned thus far will make it easier to guide them in theirs. Ultimately, I know that I want my focus to be on their lives, development, and being present in all that I can with them.

Looking at where I am right now with my career, I could not be more grateful for all the twists and turns that got me to where I am right now. I have always dreamed of being part of educational moments and being able to create experiences where others can grow and learn. Looking back at every decision that seemed hard and unknown, they all have led me to right here. I am feeling more self-assured about where my passions are and how to advocate for where I can be best utilized. It is through my career experiences that I have learned more about my own voice and how to lean into my strengths and desires in order to impact the communities I am in. I have been so fortunate for the opportunities I have had career wise, and I am excited to see what is on the horizon. Our lives are never linear as our age presumes, and I have found making “five year plans” is never a permanent decision for my future. There is strength and comfort in knowing that I am moving myself to really look at my impact and what brings joy instead of climbing a business ladder because it seemed to increase my ability to affect change. As I am turning into this decade, I am really happy for each time I bet on myself in my career and defined my own success.

Looking over my life, building community is not something that has come easily to me. I do enjoy relationship and connections, however, due to my propensity to keep my circle small it can be challenging to create those deep relationships as lives shift. And making friends as an adult is HARD. It has been one of those pieces I have had to learn to take chances and be vulnerable. But I also have had to let go and realize that not every relationship will serve you forever. This has been a very hard lesson for me, and I have had to learn to be intentional about how I am showing up to spaces to build community. However, community is so important. We are supposed to live in connection. Finding your circle can be hard, but it is worthwhile to find people you can navigate life with. I am hoping that as I move into this next phase, community building is at the forefront of my priorities. Finding space for connection can take a lot of my energy, but I find that after these intentional interactions I feel full and blessed.

I would be lying to say that 40 doesn’t make you think about the longevity of life and enhances a deeper hunger for meaning. I have been thinking a lot over the last couple years what it could look like to walk with God differently in this season. I have been pushed and pulled on my faith as I have grown. It has evolved from striving to do faith “right” to leaning into grace and being in relationship with God. I am discovering that spiritual maturity often looks like surrender, not certainty. I am coming to terms with the mysteries of life and that faith doesn’t need to demand all the answers. I am learning the true art of letting go with my faith. I am listening more, asking better questions, noticing God in everyday moments. I have started seeing my faith not just as belief and a focus on self, but how I show up in the world with my faith. As a perfectionist, my faith journey recently has been allowing myself to strip down the expectations and high achievement to have a more honest, less polished faith. My intention as I move forward is to seek continued growth and closeness with God.

I feel that I am the most confident I have ever been in my life. I am discovering that not all important things are measurable. I have started letting go of the fact of any pressure to arrive at a certain point and a certain time. I am embracing how weird and awkward life can be, and instead of trying to maneuver into a perfect picture, to really sink in and enjoy the simplicity of the day to day. I have realized everything doesn’t have to be so serious, and there is importance in finding magical moments in this amazingly precious life. I think that is the beauty of resetting myself as I turn forty today. This last year showed me how fast life is moving, and I have an opportunity to slow myself down to enjoy it. Aging is really an expansion of life, not a decline. And I hope that I can continue to choose intentionally how to walk through this life while focusing on fun, fulfillment, and connection.

So here is to 40!

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Countdown to Christmas

Our life is full of chaos. I wanted to be “where my feet are” and be more present as the world flew around us. So I picked out a devotional to be grounded during this advent season. I am trying to take a cue from Mary, who was a young mother, who humbled herself within the craziest of circumstances.

As we have gone through the season of Advent, we are invited into a sacred time of waiting, preparing, and reflecting. Advent marks the four weeks leading up to Christmas, a time that allows us to pause and meditate on the deeper significance of Jesus’s coming. It’s a time that calls us to reflect on hope, peace, joy, and love—each of which has its own meaning and relevance in our lives today. My devotional took a few days to reflect on each over these last few weeks. While the story that led us to the holiday is not new to me, making the space to reflect on each piece (especially in a year like ours) was extremely beneficial. Here are a few nuggets that I took away.

Hope: A Light in the Darkness

Advent begins with the theme of hope. This year seemed to be filled with challenges, uncertainties, and darkness. Advent was a reminder that Christ is the Light of the World, a beacon of hope for all. The Advent season is a powerful reminder that no matter how difficult life may get, we can always look forward to the coming of Christ. It is a hope that transcends circumstances and draws us into the belief that God is present with us, guiding us through even the darkest times. I have felt that so deeply this year.

I recognized where hope pulled us through in the most unbelievable places this year. But I also was able to identify some areas where I still feel helpless. I spent quite a bit of time recognizing those areas and some small steps I can take to work through that feeling. Identifying those dark areas honestly takes some of the darkness away. It brought it to the surface so I can more plainly give it to God. And honestly that is what God and hope is about for me: bringing light into the darkest of places.

Peace: Christ’s Peace Within Us

The second week of Advent brings us the theme of peace. This concept seems so foreign to me as someone who suffers from anxiety. I find it hard to be at peace or wholeness through being calm. Yet, Advent reminds us that peace is not merely the absence of conflict, but the presence of God’s love and reconciliation in our lives.

These few days were hard for me to really nail down. I think we can talk a good game when it comes to peace, but it can be really hard to be vulnerable to really allow this to seep into us. But I think it really comes down to trusting and giving it all up to God’s grace. Then that is where peace can settle our hearts, calm our fears, and remind us that God is with us. Peace is not about me understanding everything; it is the comfort that I have a God that does.

Joy: Celebrating the Gift of Life

Advent is also a time to reflect on joy—the joy of anticipating the birth of Jesus the joy of the incarnation, and the joy of the new life we find in Him. Joy is not simply happiness based on circumstances, but a deep-rooted joy that comes from knowing that God loves us and is with us in every moment. The joy of Advent calls us to celebrate the coming of Jesus, a gift to the world, and to celebrate the gift of life itself.

This year has been a deep valley for us, but it has also been a great lesson in finding reasons to be happy despite the pitfalls. This is one area that I am always so amazed about reading and studying the Christmas story. Everything about the story is messy and not picture perfect. There is murder, extreme laws, travel hardships, jealousy, and teen pregnancy. But amongst all of this, we can find joy in the story. I think about the shepherds and how they came to encounter Jesus. They weren’t supposed to be main characters in a story, but they got to share in the amazingness. They saw joy in that night, and then were able to spread it all about. If anything this year has taught me that exuding joy is a way to keep my eye on God and have faith in the story he has for me.

Love: The Greatest Gift

Finally, Advent calls us to reflect on love—the greatest gift we can give and receive. The love of God, revealed in the birth of Jesus, is the foundation of our faith and the model for our own relationships. The story of Christmas is a story of love, a love that is unconditional, sacrificial, and eternal.

Advent challenges us to embody this love in our daily lives, loving God with all our heart, soul, and mind, and loving our neighbors as ourselves. This element of advent keeps me in awe. The magnitude of God giving His Son, so that we may have eternal life…It gives me goosebumps. This is the characteristic that we are called to share in our lives. And for me then it circles back to hope. If we are able to show love because God loved us, we can help shine light into the dark places on this earth.

So while I haven’t made all the holiday magic this year, I am glad that I made space for these reflections. It kept me centered on the story of Christmas. How can we become people of hope, peace, joy, and love? As we anticipate the birth of Christ, may our hearts be ready to receive the greatest gift of all—the love of God made manifest in Jesus Christ.

Merry Christmas to all!

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In Pursuit

Anyone who is close to us knows that this last year has been lots of ugly words. Tom’s health has been a rollercoaster. He stood up to a corrupt city and lost his dream job because of it. Now we are in a lawsuit with the city we live in which comes with so many twists and turns and loneliness. My job has been constantly changing over the last year, and we have had to withstand many hard decisions as higher ed is in a turbulent time. Needless to say we are tired and it could be easy to lose faith in it all.

But as the year turned over to 2024, I was determined to take back my faith. I wanted to really lean in, and I will admit for mostly selfish reasons. I was lost and sad and felt like there was no good around us. It was a dark place for us. So I started trying to listen more to God and trying not to get ahead of his plans and try to reason with all the heartache that seemed to just fester and multiply around us. I thought what was the worst that was going to happen if I just let go of the controls and really trusted God, but that meant I needed to pursue him more.

I believe that your testimony is ongoing. At least it has been for me. I have had moments in my life where I have gone up and around my relationship with God. I have had periods in my life were I didn’t feel like I needed to depend on him as much, sometimes because things were going great, and other times because my timing didn’t seem to align with His and I thought I was just seeing disappointment so what was the point if I didn’t seem taken care of.

But this year after experiencing our trials, again maybe for selfish reasons, I thought what have I got to lose getting to know my God more fully and deeply. So this year, I am determined to pursue that relationship more.

I had a desire to become more grounded in my faith and be able to truly let go of what I thought my path was. Healthy souls will be unhealthy if left unattended, and here I was with a unhealthy soul already. I knew I needed to change my routine and immerse myself in the Word differently. We go to church and I listened to a Christian podcast as I got ready every, but what I was doing outside of that in action was so inconsistent. People were just talking at me about faith. I wasn’t really bringing other things to the table to learn and get involved with it. I didn’t pray daily, my bible had a layer of dust on it, and my bible app would send me into guilt every day with it’s notifications that I would quickly swipe to ignore as I never seemed to have “time” to open it. I had let my relationship with God be more of an acquaintance. I believed in God, but I needed to spend time getting to KNOW God.

So to start off the year, I did the Forty Forty challenge. I needed a way to stay accountable to carving out time each day. I love a good accountability challenge, so this seemed right up my alley to help with my habits changing. This challenge is doing a mile a day for 40 days, but that mile is where you intentionally connect with God by listening to bible verses, devotionals, prayer, or worship music. I did a little of it all. I chose a 40 day devotional in my app. Then I would listen to the Let’s Read the Gospels podcast (highly recommend). And then to round out my mile, I would end on one or two praise worship songs.

The way my mind shifted over those 40 days still gives my goosebumps. I have kept this routine pretty steady after that 40 days ended. My life is still hard, but I found ending my day connecting with God and praising him changed my reactions. I was brought to my knees on more than one occasions because of the perfect timing of a verse that connected with an action earlier in the day. It helped me release tension as I danced in praise. I could feel fear of the unknown just wash away.

Now did it stay away, oh heavens no. My anxiety is still very much present, and there are days/weeks were it gripped me hard. I am human and still lost sight of things often when I felt like I was losing control and thought my path was not going the way I had planned. I cried why me/us or why not me in other situations an embarrassing amount of times. However, what I noticed is that if I would just change the input of the Word in those moments, I would find a different peace. Whereas before I may have looked for answers, I was now finding peace even in the absence of answers. My faith is growing, and what I put myself in contact with, I will catch.

I still want to be in control and know what is up ahead. I don’t think that will ever change due to my personality. But what I have learned over the past few months is that faith can give me some control too. I know that I don’t have to know what is coming, but I do know that God has me.

2024 has been humbling. I know I am still broken and still struggle. However, I have been reminded over these months that brokenness is a requirement for salvation. If you look throughout the Bible, there are so many examples of Jesus reaching out to broken people or God using broken people for big things. God desires to take what is broken and redeem us. He is always pointing us to the cross and the redemption he has given us. Our pastor shared a lot of good nuggets over the past few months that have really encouraged me to write again here. He talked about if you put pottery back together after being broken and hold it up to a light after being restored, light will shine through. Let that sink in. We can be fully broken and our lives torn to pieces, but His redeeming Grace can still let light shine through us and our life on Earth.

So this year has been terrible to us, and there are many days I can’t think of nice things to say. But if you can’t think of anything nice to say, talk about your hope in Christ. So that is what I showed up today doing. I hope that the light is able to shine through my brokenness. I am trying really hard to know and accept my imperfections for His Perfect Plan. If you allow God to walk into our darkest valleys, He will make it holy in ways we can’t make it on our own. And I am learning to trust more in that than to believe in what I think my life should be.

He’s got this.

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Bible Study Apps

One of my goals is to be more active with my personal bible study. I go to church, and I meet with some friends of mine on a regular basis to discuss a book we are reading together on the Word. However, I have not always been the best at being intentional with my own time with God.

I know I needed to do that but also needed to be aware of what medium would be the best for me to make sure the habit sticks. Also I didn’t want to do something to just do it; I wanted my devotional to mean something.

I have found two apps that I have on my phone that are really helping me see the word more often and take a more personal approach to my faith walk.

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You may have seen She Reads Truth out there. In case you haven’t, you should really check this app out! I have loved using this app for my daily devotional.

This app is set up so you can download a variety of plans that cover many topics. Each plan is split into daily lessons. The number of days varies from each plan. I have had some that are only 8, and then the one I am currently on is 20. Each lesson has three components:  scripture, lesson, and comments. I like that you read the Word first. Then someone from the She Reads Truth staff has built a lesson or sermon of sorts to dig deeper into that scripture. I like this because I like the guidance and then the freedom to think about my own thoughts and application. It is nice hearing someone else’s perspective too. I also love how these women write. They are real and genuine, so I never seem pressured or judged by what they are saying. They often talk openly about their own struggles, and I enjoy the rawness they put into their posts. The comments part is also nice because it allows any reader to post their own stories and input on the lesson. You can often learn even more from these snippets. It builds a great community too when you are able to respond like this. I like that the plans have so much movement with them. Each part gives you more depth and understanding.

You can also do even more with it. There is a note section where you can keep tabs of your personal thoughts as you go through. You can set an alarm to remind you to do your study each day. This is especially helpful if you are trying to create a routine. I do it every night while I am pumping before bed, so generally I don’t forget. Once I stop pumping though, I may use the alarm more often. There is also an option to download screensavers from each lesson. They are beautiful pictures with the Word that are great pieces of art to have on your phone or even displayed on walls.

I have really enjoyed using this app every day. I love how easy it is to use and how practical their approach is on the Word. I do have a few criticisms, albeit minute. Once you are done from a plan you cannot remove it from your list. If you know how to do this please share! I also would like to have a check mark or something on the daily titles to know that I read that one already. Not that it is a big deal, but I don’t always remember the titles I have read until I open it up and remember by the story that I already covered it. It is also geared towards women, so the topics are definitely female heavy. Sorry to my male readers, but I am sure there are other options for you out there. Other than those minor things, this is a great app.

The app itself is free to download. Some plans are free and some are a minimal fee. They have done a great job developing this, and I have learned a lot so far.

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The second app is Daily Bible. I have been using this one for a couple years now, and I am still enjoying it.

I don’t use the full scope of this app, but this also has several parts.

There is a Daily Verse. This pops up in my notifications every morning. It is the first thing that I see when I wake up. I like the quick shot of the Bible as I wake up.

Another part is the Daily Plan. I don’t use this section very often. This is a more lengthy section. This includes several passages from the Bible that are connected in message. It is just Bible verses and no explanations. This would be helpful if you need more guidance on verses that may have a common thread.

My favorite part of this app is the Devotions. These are audio podcasts that you can listen to. Each lasts about 10-20 minutes. I have not listened to all the options, so some may be even longer than that. You can choose from a variety of different speakers. Most seem to be pastors or motivational speakers. There are new podcasts all the time. In opening up different speakers, some may have a new one every day; others may have a new one every week.

What I like about these podcasts is you can pick and choose. It is very flexible and moldable for your needs. You can go back in time and open podcasts from weeks ago, or you can go ahead and listen to this entire week’s worth in one sitting.

The one I listen to most often seems to be organized in having one sermon being broken into several 15 minute sections. I like to listen to this as I am getting ready every morning. It is a great daily reminder to get my day started on the right foot. It helps me focus and encourages me to grow in my faith.

I have used the podcasts while I am running too which I have found is a great time to help me center myself and focus on my innermost being. Mind, body, and soul right there.

So there you have it. These are two apps that I use on a daily basis to help with my journey of faith.

Do you use any Bible study apps? Have you used either of these?

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Friday Filter: Book “Evolving in Monkey Town”

I recently finished this book as part of the weekly virtual women’s devotional I have with two of my friends. It’s pretty much a highlight of my week every week talking with these gals!

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Here is what Goodreads had to say about it:

In Evolving in Monkey Town, Rachel Held Evans recounts her experiences growing up in Dayton, Tennessee, a town that epitomized Christian fundamentalism during the Scopes Monkey Trial of 1925. With fearless honesty, Evans describes how her faith survived her doubts and challenges readers to re-imagine Christianity in a postmodern context, where knowing all the answers isn’t as important as asking the questions.

This was a phenomenal book, and even better used as a discussion starter. I am kind of kicking myself that I bought the Kindle version and not the paper version because I wanted to write all over it and highlight like crazy! But I digress…

As a Christian, I have had my days of doubting the existence of God. My faith has had it’s own ebb and flow due to questions I had and events that occurred in my own life.

Unfortunately though, I feel that in the community of church goers (overall-not as individual people), it is not normal to vocalize these questions. So there were times that I didn’t feel like I could be a part of the Christian community because I had so many questions. I felt like an outcast in a society that should have been accepting and loving of all kind.

I have since grown into my own faith and understand that those questions are ok. With this self-acceptance I had to do a lot of searching for a community that I felt comfortable sharing. And there was A LOT of “church shopping” because of this journey. This was another sad reason for leaving Iowa because I found a church community that was encouraging but also challenging in a sense that I could grow in a healthy non-judgemental environment. It is sad to me that it is so hard to find a church community like this. I know that I am not a perfect Christian nor would I ever claim that this is possible. I have however found a good balance for me where I believe whole-heartedly in God and am able to grow each day in my walk with Him and not feel ashamed by questions that creep in.

The way that Rachel Evans described her journey was very similar to mine. I connected to her experiences on so many levels as if I had written the book myself. It was very refreshing to talk about the human struggles during life and how faith factors into it all. It was a realistic look at Christianity, the acceptance, and the evolution of yourself and society.

Our little trio had a lot of really thought-provoking discussions as we each looked at our our own situations and how our faith was infused into our relationships, jobs, political affiliations, life circumstances, etc.

I think there is a shift in our society about Christianity. Unfortunately, I do believe that many people (especially young people) drift away from Christianity and their spirituality because they are not allowed to have questions or spark up discussions that are against the words of the Bible. For example, I think we can all agree that slavery is wrong, and at some point we all had to put aside that the Bible talks about the governing rules of slavery and know that this is context from the times. Things have to evolve otherwise I would have been traded for goods in my marriage. Why can’t we have honest and open discussions about all faucets of the Bible and faith? It is in these discussions that people can share their experiences and feel valued. You learn through these debates and can grown more through understanding different view points.

Now don’t take that as I don’t believe in the Bible, because I very much do. It provides me guidance daily, and I find comfort in the Word. But I also believe that it is ok and healthy to ask questions or say, “How can this be?” or “I don’t understand where this is coming from.” I feel that through these questions you learn perspective and have a deeper understanding of what the Word is trying to say.

The thing that resonated with me most while going through this book is that in our society there is this over arching idea that there is one way that Christianity should look. However, one of my biggest questions is why is that? None of our lives or experiences are the same. We all look, feel, react differently. So wouldn’t it make sense for our faith to look a little different too? Sure we can share some ideals and practices, but how we ended up there is going to be totally different. None of us will see everything the same exact way.

It is what makes us unique.

And I finally have gotten to a point where I am ok with my faith being uniquely mine. There was a time that I felt like I needed to fit into this cookie cutter way of being a Christian, almost like being part of the popular crowd. I didn’t want to stick out and not be “normal.” But what we often forget is that Jesus was never considered normal. He rubbed a lot of people the wrong way with his thoughts on love and caring for others. Why do we insist now to put ourselves into a box to all be the same?

Which brings me to the cornerstone of my faith which is love and being as human as possible with all that we meet. It is only then that I feel we can actually have our faith be infectious and live on as I believe God would want.

But again, these are all my thoughts. I would love to hear yours.

This is a great read that will spark questions and make you go through a wave of emotions. Not only is the content great, which I usually see myself reading faster, but the chapters are fairly short anyway and are broken up nicely. It didn’t hurt that when she wrote this book, she was around my age, and a lot of the stories she used I had my own personal context of “where I was” in those moments. Especially with a topic so personal as faith, I like when an author makes me feel like we are at a coffee shop talking to each other, and that is exactly what she did. She infused a lot of humor into her personal anecdotes that keep you connected to her life story. It is never condescending, but always engaging and heartfelt in her process.  She brings Christianity down to a personal level and encourages you to examine your own biases and how you arrived to where you are. I highly recommend it for any devotional group or for a personal read, although I do think having the group discussions was an added bonus for my personal reflections. I also don’t think you have to be a Christian to read it. She explores so many different topics and history lessons that I feel that anyone can read this and gain some take aways.