childhood

I have found that with parenting, once a new phase begins you are not only dealing with the excitement of the new phase but also the feelings of leaving another phase behind. The art of watching your kids growing up is bittersweet.

This last week I have been pondering on this thought quite a bit as both of my kids are going through pivotal moments. We registered George for kindergarten, and Daphne is now potty trained and moved out of a crib.

I am not ok.

The stark difference of what these things mean has left me in a weird place.

THEY LOOK SO GROWN.

I am so excited to see George start big-all-day-kid school. I love learning, and school was a magical place for me growing up. I see that curiosity in George, and I know he will love it. But there is also this sadness that there will be so much of his world that I no longer know. I wrote about the emotions of sending him off to preschool this fall, but something about kindergarten is even more momentous.

And with Daph, potty training is such a big step in toddlerhood. For the most part, I am so ecstatic to no longer have diapers in my house. I feel a sense of freedom for us all with letting her learn more about her body and taking control of herself. She also moved out of the crib like it was no big deal, however my insides were breaking since that bed had been a crib for both my babies over the last 6 years. And while I am so proud of her walking into this next phase with so much confidence, part of me knows that the diapers and crib were the last of the babyhood stage.

The thing about independence is that I believe it is the thing we all hope that our kids have when they get older, but man is it hard to see it slip away.

It’s funny that there are many stages that we see coming, like registering for Kindergarten. I have seen this coming since he was born. Yet it is still hard to know I am watching a season of our lives end this year. I wonder all the time if we are doing this phase justice and doing all the we can to make it positively memorable and impactful.

Then there are other stages that you don’t even realize are gone until you are well into the next one.

There was a day with both kids that it was the last time I rocked them to sleep, but I don’t recall thinking let’s change up the routine. I couldn’t even tell you when that stopped for both. In my head, I am distraught because how could I forget that!

I am not sure which is harder on the emotions: the ones you see coming and plan for or the ones that change with more subtlety. Either way when the worry of one phase ends the worry of the new phase comes flooding in to take it’s predecessor’s place.

As we are entering full force into the big kid years, I am trying to remain present. As I watched Daphne this weekend, I was reminded that it is all fleeting. I wonder all the time if the snuggles George asks for will be the last ones or when Daphne decides she doesn’t want to make me a bedtime snack of plastic food before I tuck her in. My heart just breaks thinking I might miss the significance of the last ask. So let’s read an extra book or build one more Lego structure.

It is like there is a little mourning that happens with things of each phase. There are days that I really miss the sweet newborn stages, but then I see moments like tonight where George came in to comfort his sister when she was hurt. If he stayed a newborn, I would never get to experience watching their relationship evolve.

But that is the push and pull of parenthood I guess. There are often times we are looking for a phase to end and rushing into the next one (hello George at 4…). Then other moments I never want to leave the sweet innocence, or I look back and weep that they have grown so much in a blink of an eye.

I am not sure I am really saying anything profound. Parenting is this weird mix of polarizing feelings. I am sad my babies are growing into big kids, but I am happy seeing how fun the big kid stage can be. I am sad that it seems that they need me less, but I am happy that they are figuring out their own way. I am sad that there are things about their lives that we will never experience again, but I am happy to welcome all the new experiences we will have together.

With the beginning of each new season, brings an end to another. There is some poetry in that I suppose. I could see that if we stayed in a season for too long, you would lose sight of it’s beauty. It does give us something to hope for with the change, and something to look fondly back on when we have forgotten the mess of it all. I guess we are in each season as long as we need to be, and we can thank God for that.

These kids I tell ya. The things they do to my heart!

To the boy that made me a momma,

I have loved watching you grow this year., and I can’t believe how much you have changed in just 365 days. I feel like I am taking this birthday harder than I have the last two. It seems as though this time you really have outgrown being my baby. Maybe it is how you talk and play. Maybe it is because we have another baby in the house. Maybe it’s just what happens.

I have loved seeing your personality really develop this year into a sweet charismatic little boy. You are so fun, and you make me laugh every day.

You are so passionate and determined when you play. Your obsession with trucks and trains has only grown over the year. And you want to rescue every animal in sight, which lets me know how caring your heart is.

I see bits of both your dad and I in you.

You are so cautious when you meet new people, but once you get to know them-hold on. You love so hard and are very attached to your people.

Your eyes light up when you are able to work on a project with your daddy. You are very hands on and see the world in a way to build it up again.

You have no time for nonsense, and you want to make the most out of every ounce of the day. You are non-stop from the moment you wake up until the moment you go back to bed.

This is the year you have learned to pray, and I look forward to hearing what your are thankful for every day. (My favorite is that you still say thanks for Henry (Honey) and Arlo even though you haven’t seen these friends in months.) Talking about faith and prayer with you has not only grown me closer to you, but also to God.

While you still have your moments of Mr. Indepedence (aka Defiance), you are getting so much better at helping and being a good listener.

We have seen you learn new things like becoming a puzzle master and heard your vocabulary grow everyday. You are so very smart, and I know big things are in store for you.

You remind me each day to pay attention to the little things and soak up the moments where you ask me to “hold you” or for just one more kiss. I love seeing you get excited when you see train tracks or the fire house to wave to the firemen and say goodnight to the trucks when they aren’t out. I love how you have made a walk to the mailbox as exhilarating as a trip to the moon.

I know some days I am not the most patient with you, but you have taught me more about forgiveness and enduring love when you still want to snuggle even though we may have spent the afternoon both in tantrums.

One of my greatest joys however was watching you become a big brother this year. You are so sweet to your sister, and I can already tell that you are going to have a great bond. I have been so proud of you and how easy you have taken on this new role.

Over the last three years, I have watched you become you. It’s bittersweet for sure. I have watched you go from being a NICU baby to now being taller than every kid your age. It was exciting to see you take your first steps, but now it’s heartbreaking at times to see you run to play on your own. I remember the excitement hearing you gurgle for the first time, now we get to have actual conversations with each other and at times I am so overwhelmed by emotions I almost burst into tears from hearing your little sentences. I miss how little you were, but I am thrilled to see you continue to grow. I know that ultimately my job is to send you out into the world to make it a better place.

I have wanted to be a mommy my whole life, and God knew what he was doing when He gave me you first so we could go on this journey together. You have taught me how to be a mommy, and I am so thankful for every second of playing trains and reading a million books with you.

I pray for your future and I pray for God to give me the strength I need to let you go and grow.

I am so happy to be your mommy, and I have cherished these last three years with you so much. And even thought it’s not just us anymore and we have said goodbye to you being a baby, you will always be my first born and the one who stole my heart as a mommy. So no matter what changes or how crazy this world gets, my favorite thing is watching you become you.