This year Daphne has been insistent that she is going to space one day, and that she will be one of the first people to Mars. She is inquisitive about what it will take to get there, and from those details, she has created a plan. And if space doesn’t work she wants to be a Air Force pilot; and if that doesn’t work she will be an actress. It is precise and big, and entirely her.
Today is Daphne’s birthday. She is eight, and thinking about all the things. Another year older, a little taller, and somehow even more full of wonder than the year before.
She’s always been a big dreamer — the kind who sees possibilities in places most of us overlook. But here’s something else I deeply admire about her: she gets scared. She worries about trying new things. Whether it’s speaking up in class, learning to climb a rope, or joining a new activity like trying out for a musical— the fear is real. I see it in her eyes.
But then… she tries anyway.
And that’s what makes her brave. Not the absence of fear, but her choice to move forward in spite of it. Her dreams aren’t just floating ideas — they’re fuel. They carry her over the bumps, push her past the nerves, and inspire her to step into the unknown with wide eyes and a steady heart. Watching her dream and be determined to chase them is one of my favorite things.
As adults, we often fall into the trap of practicality. We trade wonder for what’s “realistic,” and over time, the dreams we once had quietly shrink. We have been talking a lot about dreams in our house, and I have to thank Daph for some of the reflection I have been doing lately. Watching her, especially today, reminds me how vital dreaming is — not just for children, but for all of us.
Dreaming gives us vision. It gives us hope. It sparks creativity, innovation, and joy. Daphne doesn’t yet know what’s impossible — and honestly, I hope she never fully believes anything is. Even when she is scared or doubts her ability, she still goes out on a limb and tries. She is shooting for the stars in so much of what she does. While her astronaut dreams may be cute memory in a decade, I hope she never loses this sense of dreaming and trying.
So this is a little birthday love letter to her — and to every child (and adult) who still dares to dream big. Let’s not quiet that voice. Let’s fan the flame. Let’s encourage curiosity, imagination, and the wild kind of belief that makes going to Mars feel absolutely possible.
Here’s to the dreamers — may we raise them, may we nurture them, and may we remember that we are them too.
Happy birthday to my BIG dreamer! Daphne, you are a wonder.
I have never been weird about birthdays. Generally, I have embraced them and been excited about this journey of life and moving to the next year.
But I have to admit, this one hits different.
FORTY.
It is not a sad thing about aging or that I am having a mid-life crisis, but it is making me pause in a way that I don’t normally do for birthdays.
Age is very relative, and I know at some point I thought 40 seemed so far away. You wonder what milestones you will have reached and whether there is this sudden urgency to “live life to the fullest” because it all seems downhill from here. There are a lot of societal expectations by this time of your life to have things figured out.
But honestly, I am really seeing it as a reset button. If this last year has taught me anything, is that no day is guaranteed, so maybe it is that I need to “live life to the fullest” but I am seeing it more as being bold in my priorities.
My thirties brought me so much, and I have learned a lot about what is important and how awesome my life has become. I am realizing that now is the time to fill my cup differently and prioritize my focus on certain things.
By the grace of God, Tom and I are stepping into our 40s together this year. I am forever thankful for our relationship and what being married to Tom has taught me. This time last year there were moments that we did not think 40 was possible. It is a true gift to continue growing in our partnership and move through life together. There is beauty in realizing all the different versions we have seen of each other. We met in our early twenties, and here we are stepping into another decade with our love story. We have shared and survived so much as a couple. We are comfortable with each other for sure, but within that is a deep connection that has allowed us to navigate life together with intense purpose. I do believe that we make each other better, and growing “old” together is a blessing every day.
While I had George when I was 29, my thirties is where I really came into motherhood. We have created a beautiful family, and through this time I have become more sure of the childhood we want them to have. It is an interesting balance to strike with encouraging them to try new things and put them in activities that interest them, and then still finding time to just simply exist in our own space as a family. I want them to stay little and innocent as long as possible as to not age them too fast. This next decade will bring new things in motherhood as we start to navigate them becoming young adults and eventually start moving into the world on their own. I hope due to the complexities of becoming confident in my own life and the lessons I have learned thus far will make it easier to guide them in theirs. Ultimately, I know that I want my focus to be on their lives, development, and being present in all that I can with them.
Looking at where I am right now with my career, I could not be more grateful for all the twists and turns that got me to where I am right now. I have always dreamed of being part of educational moments and being able to create experiences where others can grow and learn. Looking back at every decision that seemed hard and unknown, they all have led me to right here. I am feeling more self-assured about where my passions are and how to advocate for where I can be best utilized. It is through my career experiences that I have learned more about my own voice and how to lean into my strengths and desires in order to impact the communities I am in. I have been so fortunate for the opportunities I have had career wise, and I am excited to see what is on the horizon. Our lives are never linear as our age presumes, and I have found making “five year plans” is never a permanent decision for my future. There is strength and comfort in knowing that I am moving myself to really look at my impact and what brings joy instead of climbing a business ladder because it seemed to increase my ability to affect change. As I am turning into this decade, I am really happy for each time I bet on myself in my career and defined my own success.
Looking over my life, building community is not something that has come easily to me. I do enjoy relationship and connections, however, due to my propensity to keep my circle small it can be challenging to create those deep relationships as lives shift. And making friends as an adult is HARD. It has been one of those pieces I have had to learn to take chances and be vulnerable. But I also have had to let go and realize that not every relationship will serve you forever. This has been a very hard lesson for me, and I have had to learn to be intentional about how I am showing up to spaces to build community. However, community is so important. We are supposed to live in connection. Finding your circle can be hard, but it is worthwhile to find people you can navigate life with. I am hoping that as I move into this next phase, community building is at the forefront of my priorities. Finding space for connection can take a lot of my energy, but I find that after these intentional interactions I feel full and blessed.
I would be lying to say that 40 doesn’t make you think about the longevity of life and enhances a deeper hunger for meaning. I have been thinking a lot over the last couple years what it could look like to walk with God differently in this season. I have been pushed and pulled on my faith as I have grown. It has evolved from striving to do faith “right” to leaning into grace and being in relationship with God. I am discovering that spiritual maturity often looks like surrender, not certainty. I am coming to terms with the mysteries of life and that faith doesn’t need to demand all the answers. I am learning the true art of letting go with my faith. I am listening more, asking better questions, noticing God in everyday moments. I have started seeing my faith not just as belief and a focus on self, but how I show up in the world with my faith. As a perfectionist, my faith journey recently has been allowing myself to strip down the expectations and high achievement to have a more honest, less polished faith. My intention as I move forward is to seek continued growth and closeness with God.
I feel that I am the most confident I have ever been in my life. I am discovering that not all important things are measurable. I have started letting go of the fact of any pressure to arrive at a certain point and a certain time. I am embracing how weird and awkward life can be, and instead of trying to maneuver into a perfect picture, to really sink in and enjoy the simplicity of the day to day. I have realized everything doesn’t have to be so serious, and there is importance in finding magical moments in this amazingly precious life. I think that is the beauty of resetting myself as I turn forty today. This last year showed me how fast life is moving, and I have an opportunity to slow myself down to enjoy it. Aging is really an expansion of life, not a decline. And I hope that I can continue to choose intentionally how to walk through this life while focusing on fun, fulfillment, and connection.
Our life is full of chaos. I wanted to be “where my feet are” and be more present as the world flew around us. So I picked out a devotional to be grounded during this advent season. I am trying to take a cue from Mary, who was a young mother, who humbled herself within the craziest of circumstances.
As we have gone through the season of Advent, we are invited into a sacred time of waiting, preparing, and reflecting. Advent marks the four weeks leading up to Christmas, a time that allows us to pause and meditate on the deeper significance of Jesus’s coming. It’s a time that calls us to reflect on hope, peace, joy, and love—each of which has its own meaning and relevance in our lives today. My devotional took a few days to reflect on each over these last few weeks. While the story that led us to the holiday is not new to me, making the space to reflect on each piece (especially in a year like ours) was extremely beneficial. Here are a few nuggets that I took away.
Hope: A Light in the Darkness
Advent begins with the theme of hope. This year seemed to be filled with challenges, uncertainties, and darkness. Advent was a reminder that Christ is the Light of the World, a beacon of hope for all. The Advent season is a powerful reminder that no matter how difficult life may get, we can always look forward to the coming of Christ. It is a hope that transcends circumstances and draws us into the belief that God is present with us, guiding us through even the darkest times. I have felt that so deeply this year.
I recognized where hope pulled us through in the most unbelievable places this year. But I also was able to identify some areas where I still feel helpless. I spent quite a bit of time recognizing those areas and some small steps I can take to work through that feeling. Identifying those dark areas honestly takes some of the darkness away. It brought it to the surface so I can more plainly give it to God. And honestly that is what God and hope is about for me: bringing light into the darkest of places.
Peace: Christ’s Peace Within Us
The second week of Advent brings us the theme of peace. This concept seems so foreign to me as someone who suffers from anxiety. I find it hard to be at peace or wholeness through being calm. Yet, Advent reminds us that peace is not merely the absence of conflict, but the presence of God’s love and reconciliation in our lives.
These few days were hard for me to really nail down. I think we can talk a good game when it comes to peace, but it can be really hard to be vulnerable to really allow this to seep into us. But I think it really comes down to trusting and giving it all up to God’s grace. Then that is where peace can settle our hearts, calm our fears, and remind us that God is with us. Peace is not about me understanding everything; it is the comfort that I have a God that does.
Joy: Celebrating the Gift of Life
Advent is also a time to reflect on joy—the joy of anticipating the birth of Jesus the joy of the incarnation, and the joy of the new life we find in Him. Joy is not simply happiness based on circumstances, but a deep-rooted joy that comes from knowing that God loves us and is with us in every moment. The joy of Advent calls us to celebrate the coming of Jesus, a gift to the world, and to celebrate the gift of life itself.
This year has been a deep valley for us, but it has also been a great lesson in finding reasons to be happy despite the pitfalls. This is one area that I am always so amazed about reading and studying the Christmas story. Everything about the story is messy and not picture perfect. There is murder, extreme laws, travel hardships, jealousy, and teen pregnancy. But amongst all of this, we can find joy in the story. I think about the shepherds and how they came to encounter Jesus. They weren’t supposed to be main characters in a story, but they got to share in the amazingness. They saw joy in that night, and then were able to spread it all about. If anything this year has taught me that exuding joy is a way to keep my eye on God and have faith in the story he has for me.
Love: The Greatest Gift
Finally, Advent calls us to reflect on love—the greatest gift we can give and receive. The love of God, revealed in the birth of Jesus, is the foundation of our faith and the model for our own relationships. The story of Christmas is a story of love, a love that is unconditional, sacrificial, and eternal.
Advent challenges us to embody this love in our daily lives, loving God with all our heart, soul, and mind, and loving our neighbors as ourselves. This element of advent keeps me in awe. The magnitude of God giving His Son, so that we may have eternal life…It gives me goosebumps. This is the characteristic that we are called to share in our lives. And for me then it circles back to hope. If we are able to show love because God loved us, we can help shine light into the dark places on this earth.
So while I haven’t made all the holiday magic this year, I am glad that I made space for these reflections. It kept me centered on the story of Christmas. How can we become people of hope, peace, joy, and love? As we anticipate the birth of Christ, may our hearts be ready to receive the greatest gift of all—the love of God made manifest in Jesus Christ.
In honor of his birthday, we did a kid interview to document his personality during this sweet time.
What makes you happy? That Sister plays with me.
What makes you laugh? Tickles.
What makes you mad? Georgie’s hurts. (These two are always fighting…)
What is your favorite toy? Scooter, but my favorite stuffie is Mickey Mouse.
What is your favorite show? Bluey.
What is your favorite animal? Elephant.
What do you want to be when you grow up? Artist.
Who is your best friend? Nicholas. (This is my other half’s son who is in middle school, and they live in KC. So stinking sweet that he made such an impression on Wally when we see them a couple times a year.)
What is your favorite color? Blue. (This changes every day.)
What is your favorite food? Grapes.
What is your favorite part of the day? Sunny days.
What is your favorite game? Ninja Turtles (It’s the old school arcade game.)
What are you good at? Running. (Accurate)
What is your favorite thing about yourself? That I draw.
What is love? Hugs and kisses.
I also asked the family their favorite things about Wally to honor his birthday.
Tom: He is our sour patch kid. One minute he wants to cuddle up and the next he is running away from you on his scooter.
George: That sometimes he is not annoying. I do like playing with him.
Daphne: I love playing with him. My favorite is playing with him with our nativity set and our blocks.
Me: I love his self-confidence. He is so sure of what he wants and how to use his voice to advocate for himself. He can command a room and not be pushed around. For being the smallest in the house, he holds his own. I love that once he puts his mind to something he will keep trying until he masters it because he knows deep down that he can do it. He is so determined to be fully himself!
We love you sweet Wally! You brighten our days with your humor and playfulness. Wally, you are so bright and make everyone a friend. You can make everything seem like the most fun thing ever. This our last year before you are off to school, and I can’t wait to see how much you grow this year!
It has been 4 months since Tom left the hospital with hope after a diagnosis.
There was so much relief then believing there was a way forward.
Since his hospice stay, he is halfway back to his original weight. It is unclear if he will ever be able to gain it all back.
He is still at the hospital constantly between doctor’s and dentists visits 3-4 times a week. They are mostly just check ups with various specialists. About every two weeks he has rotations of scans with MRIs, PET scans, and labs. The days he has to do labs are never ideal because they make him take a radioactive dye that make him feel like he has the flu for about 24 hours afterwards. Then, once every few months he goes in for chemotherapy.
The good news is that something is working because his most recent scan on his lungs have shown that the growths have been cut in half.
He has had nine root canals, four tooth replacements, and will lose his back teeth due to the damage to his jawbone because of all the inflammation that has occurred. There is nothing to screw implants to, and his jaw will need surgery to clean up what they can and remove a rogue wisdom tooth.
Fortunately his heartburn that was tearing his esophagus up and most of his food sensitivity has subsided. This may be due to the myriad of medications that he is on. His bedside table looks like a pharmacy counter. While these medications clearly are helping and keeping him alive, they are not perfect and can cause other symptoms that we have to monitor. One being an increase in blood pressure that he now is on other medication for. Another being the likelihood that he will have osteoporosis. These medication complications are part of the reason he has so many doctor’s appointments so they can put in preventative measures as they watch his body react over time.
It is funny to think that it took us many many months to get a doctor to pay attention to his symptoms. Now when he goes, it is like they roll out the red carpet for him. Doctors are clamoring to be part of his treatment plan due to the rarity of his diagnosis. He went from begging and crying for attention, to now getting personal calls from the heads of departments.
We have had to come to grips with the fact that he may never fully recover. So while he looks much better and seems to be healed from the outside, there are still a lot of symptoms that he has, and some that have returned over the last month.
I mentioned the attention and procedures he has had on his teeth. He is usually in excruciating pain due to the inflammation still occurring in his gums. If you have ever had tooth pain, imagine the agony of having it all over your mouth months on end. Unbearable.
Recently, he started throwing up consistently again. He typically only has one meal a day, and never really gets a full meal even at that. While it doesn’t seem to be at the level where he is losing weight, he also can’t seem to gain it. His migraines have also returned, and there is not a day that goes by that he doesn’t wake up with one.
He has absolutely no immune system, which has us all on edge since a sickness can roll through our house for weeks at a time. He is on medication to help combat this, but there are side affects.
Like feeling lethargic all the time. He never feels fully rested. When he is awake, he feels as though he has been driving for 2-3 days: stiff and exhausted. He is still in pain constantly, and his threshold is one I cannot imagine. He feels like he has been hit by a train all the time. He is flush and out of breath like he just got done running a mile. This has been hard for him to not have the stamina he did since he was going to jiu jitsu several times a week.
However, all those symptoms aside, he is 1000 times better than he was this summer. There is no way that he can take as much medicine as he is and feel great. But he has accepted that fact and thinking of how he was this summer, the pain he is in now seems livable compared. We aren’t sure why symptoms are returning, but we are taking it day by day and one doctor’s visit at a time to manage what we see. At least this time, they seem to be paying attention.
He is doing his best to be present and awake for our family. He does all of the kid carpooling and activity taking. This is the first season since we have been together for almost two decades that I have seen him put energy towards a hunting season. He is enjoying scoping out deer stand spots and being in nature. (Now if he could just hit a deer at some point…) He is back at working on house projects and our homestead stuff. He built an extension on our chicken coup, and of course that means we needed four more chickens (no excuse for chicken math).
The kids don’t seem to notice the illness now since it seems much more invisible due to it being more about pain management at this point. They just think, “Dad is back.” They love having him present all the time even if he happens to fall asleep more.
It is interesting to see how life just moves on. For the most part we are moving forward. But there are moments where I am still stuck in my tracks and the wind is knocked out of me realizing how fleeting all of this can be. While there have been positives over the last few months like seeing the tumors downsize, I would be naïve to think that he is cured. We have just stabilized things for now. We are able to move through our life more “normally” but there are costs to it, and it is more of a burden for Tom and I to carry together.
But all in all, I am thankful for these past 4 months. It was more time together that I didn’t think we would have back in July. So while it still sucks to watch him be in pain, or to keep track of the hospital visits and medical conversations, I do feel blessed for the continued time we have here.
This past week, I started a devotional about Job. It has been a humbling time with God. I have cried with each entry grappling with the uncomfortable reality that suffering is a part of the human experience. The story of Job has been teaching me that resilience in the face of adversity is a powerful act of faith. It invites us to embrace the complexities of life and to maintain our relationship with God, even when answers elude us. Through Job’s journey, I am re-learning that enduring faith can illuminate our path, providing hope and strength amid life’s darkest moments. If I have been taught anything about life in this last year, it is to hold on strong to my faith. The diagnosis felt like we were stepping into a miracle. The days afterward felt like we would be able to return to our old selves. But the funny thing about life is that we are never again the version of who we were yesterday. Being through this with Tom, has been dark and twisty, and it still seems so cloudy some days. But through faith, we are able to move through it and be present in what we do have. Anyway, it has been a great devotional to read and watch interviews connected to it to remind me to be thankful and truly present in my faith. Doing so keeps it from seeming so dark most days.
findingmyyellow.com 