If you have been following along with my journey over the years, you might recall that we were pretty adamant after Daphne that we were done growing our family. It was really hard for me since I had always had fleeting thoughts of having three kids. But after the trauma of Daphne’s birth, it felt like the right move at the time.
We proceeded to get rid of baby things as Daphne grew. I thought that getting rid of the things would make it more real that 2 was the right number for us. I was physically closing that door.
Right around Daphne’s first birthday, I kept feeling this nagging feeling on my heart that something was missing. The best way to explain it is that it felt like someone was missing from our table.
Tom and I discussed it for almost a whole other year. There were definite concerns, my health being number one. Having that hemorrhage and getting a blood transfusion was pretty scary, and it is definitely not something I want to every go through again. I talked extensively with both my primary doctor and OB during that year to see what complications I needed to consider, even more so now that I would be in that age range that is considered advanced maternal age. When both gave me the green light, we talked through how our life would change with three. Tom and I talked through everything: vacations, school, how would we have three kids in this house, would we need a new car, would we ever go to a restaurant again, to how we could financially support all the things for three kids. We have a certain lifestyle we want for our kids, and I will be honest it took us awhile to get to a place where we felt we could move forward.
But I truly believe that God provides, and He kept placing it on my heart that there was someone missing at our dinner table. We prayed, we cried, and we had many nights where we stayed up until all the hours of the night talking through all the scenarios. We truly believe that we had love to give another child and if anything this world needs more of is love. We felt confident that no matter the obstacles, this child would be loved beyond measure.
As simple as it sounds, it just kept coming back to that feeling that someone was missing from our family. There really is not a logical reason especially since we already had a boy and a girl.
However, now that we are here, the decision has never felt more right.
This was not an oops baby or quarantine baby. Everything about this child was planned and put on our hearts to bring into this world. We started trying last fall, and it has been a whirlwind since.
At the beginning of quarantine, I started feeling pretty crummy. The reason that prompted taking a test is that I couldn’t eat a hamburger one night. I NEVER say no to a hamburger.
I remember feeling a bundle of nerves when I saw “pregnant” pop up on that test. There was no going back now, but all the concerns we had talked about just rose to the surface.
But then I told Daphne the news.
As soon as I said it out loud, all my fears melted away. And yes, Daphne was the first to know because I knew she wouldn’t tell anyone, and if she did no one would take it seriously. So she and I would talk about this sweet little nugget in our quiet moments together, and there was so much joy for us both. I’m pretty sure she thought I was telling her she was getting a new baby doll, but we were both still excited.
Since we were in quarantine, there wasn’t getting anything special from the store, and I wasn’t about to wait for days to get something shipped to the house to tell Tom. Plus we were with each other 24/7 due to the stay at home order and now being co-workers in our basement, so I needed to tell him somehow and quick!
So instead, I used my daughter, you know the one I said that no one would believe, to help me tell the news.
One night after keeping it a secret for a day, during our bedtime routine with the kids, I whispered to Daph to go tell her Daddy that she was a big sister. She shared the news in her sweet little voice. At first, Tom brushed it off and said “I know, some day you will get to be a big sister.” I had her repeat it again, and Tom still wasn’t getting it, so I shouted to him, “not going to be, she IS a big sister.” I have never seen Tom shoot up so fast. He was so excited and screamed, “You’re pregnant?” It is really a moment that I wish I had filmed, but alas it will have to be a memory on my heart instead.
So here we are at 16 weeks, happily making this a three kid family. So while in every other situation, I weigh out all the odds and make my pro/con lists. But this one about bringing another life into this world, we had to just go with where our hearts were leading us.
Here we go again!