Christianity

Today I turn the big 4-0.

I have never been weird about birthdays. Generally, I have embraced them and been excited about this journey of life and moving to the next year.

But I have to admit, this one hits different.

FORTY.

It is not a sad thing about aging or that I am having a mid-life crisis, but it is making me pause in a way that I don’t normally do for birthdays.

Age is very relative, and I know at some point I thought 40 seemed so far away. You wonder what milestones you will have reached and whether there is this sudden urgency to “live life to the fullest” because it all seems downhill from here. There are a lot of societal expectations by this time of your life to have things figured out.

But honestly, I am really seeing it as a reset button. If this last year has taught me anything, is that no day is guaranteed, so maybe it is that I need to “live life to the fullest” but I am seeing it more as being bold in my priorities.

My thirties brought me so much, and I have learned a lot about what is important and how awesome my life has become. I am realizing that now is the time to fill my cup differently and prioritize my focus on certain things.

By the grace of God, Tom and I are stepping into our 40s together this year. I am forever thankful for our relationship and what being married to Tom has taught me. This time last year there were moments that we did not think 40 was possible. It is a true gift to continue growing in our partnership and move through life together. There is beauty in realizing all the different versions we have seen of each other. We met in our early twenties, and here we are stepping into another decade with our love story. We have shared and survived so much as a couple. We are comfortable with each other for sure, but within that is a deep connection that has allowed us to navigate life together with intense purpose. I do believe that we make each other better, and growing “old” together is a blessing every day.

While I had George when I was 29, my thirties is where I really came into motherhood. We have created a beautiful family, and through this time I have become more sure of the childhood we want them to have. It is an interesting balance to strike with encouraging them to try new things and put them in activities that interest them, and then still finding time to just simply exist in our own space as a family. I want them to stay little and innocent as long as possible as to not age them too fast. This next decade will bring new things in motherhood as we start to navigate them becoming young adults and eventually start moving into the world on their own. I hope due to the complexities of becoming confident in my own life and the lessons I have learned thus far will make it easier to guide them in theirs. Ultimately, I know that I want my focus to be on their lives, development, and being present in all that I can with them.

Looking at where I am right now with my career, I could not be more grateful for all the twists and turns that got me to where I am right now. I have always dreamed of being part of educational moments and being able to create experiences where others can grow and learn. Looking back at every decision that seemed hard and unknown, they all have led me to right here. I am feeling more self-assured about where my passions are and how to advocate for where I can be best utilized. It is through my career experiences that I have learned more about my own voice and how to lean into my strengths and desires in order to impact the communities I am in. I have been so fortunate for the opportunities I have had career wise, and I am excited to see what is on the horizon. Our lives are never linear as our age presumes, and I have found making “five year plans” is never a permanent decision for my future. There is strength and comfort in knowing that I am moving myself to really look at my impact and what brings joy instead of climbing a business ladder because it seemed to increase my ability to affect change. As I am turning into this decade, I am really happy for each time I bet on myself in my career and defined my own success.

Looking over my life, building community is not something that has come easily to me. I do enjoy relationship and connections, however, due to my propensity to keep my circle small it can be challenging to create those deep relationships as lives shift. And making friends as an adult is HARD. It has been one of those pieces I have had to learn to take chances and be vulnerable. But I also have had to let go and realize that not every relationship will serve you forever. This has been a very hard lesson for me, and I have had to learn to be intentional about how I am showing up to spaces to build community. However, community is so important. We are supposed to live in connection. Finding your circle can be hard, but it is worthwhile to find people you can navigate life with. I am hoping that as I move into this next phase, community building is at the forefront of my priorities. Finding space for connection can take a lot of my energy, but I find that after these intentional interactions I feel full and blessed.

I would be lying to say that 40 doesn’t make you think about the longevity of life and enhances a deeper hunger for meaning. I have been thinking a lot over the last couple years what it could look like to walk with God differently in this season. I have been pushed and pulled on my faith as I have grown. It has evolved from striving to do faith “right” to leaning into grace and being in relationship with God. I am discovering that spiritual maturity often looks like surrender, not certainty. I am coming to terms with the mysteries of life and that faith doesn’t need to demand all the answers. I am learning the true art of letting go with my faith. I am listening more, asking better questions, noticing God in everyday moments. I have started seeing my faith not just as belief and a focus on self, but how I show up in the world with my faith. As a perfectionist, my faith journey recently has been allowing myself to strip down the expectations and high achievement to have a more honest, less polished faith. My intention as I move forward is to seek continued growth and closeness with God.

I feel that I am the most confident I have ever been in my life. I am discovering that not all important things are measurable. I have started letting go of the fact of any pressure to arrive at a certain point and a certain time. I am embracing how weird and awkward life can be, and instead of trying to maneuver into a perfect picture, to really sink in and enjoy the simplicity of the day to day. I have realized everything doesn’t have to be so serious, and there is importance in finding magical moments in this amazingly precious life. I think that is the beauty of resetting myself as I turn forty today. This last year showed me how fast life is moving, and I have an opportunity to slow myself down to enjoy it. Aging is really an expansion of life, not a decline. And I hope that I can continue to choose intentionally how to walk through this life while focusing on fun, fulfillment, and connection.

So here is to 40!

I recently finished this book as part of the weekly virtual women’s devotional I have with two of my friends. It’s pretty much a highlight of my week every week talking with these gals!

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Here is what Goodreads had to say about it:

In Evolving in Monkey Town, Rachel Held Evans recounts her experiences growing up in Dayton, Tennessee, a town that epitomized Christian fundamentalism during the Scopes Monkey Trial of 1925. With fearless honesty, Evans describes how her faith survived her doubts and challenges readers to re-imagine Christianity in a postmodern context, where knowing all the answers isn’t as important as asking the questions.

This was a phenomenal book, and even better used as a discussion starter. I am kind of kicking myself that I bought the Kindle version and not the paper version because I wanted to write all over it and highlight like crazy! But I digress…

As a Christian, I have had my days of doubting the existence of God. My faith has had it’s own ebb and flow due to questions I had and events that occurred in my own life.

Unfortunately though, I feel that in the community of church goers (overall-not as individual people), it is not normal to vocalize these questions. So there were times that I didn’t feel like I could be a part of the Christian community because I had so many questions. I felt like an outcast in a society that should have been accepting and loving of all kind.

I have since grown into my own faith and understand that those questions are ok. With this self-acceptance I had to do a lot of searching for a community that I felt comfortable sharing. And there was A LOT of “church shopping” because of this journey. This was another sad reason for leaving Iowa because I found a church community that was encouraging but also challenging in a sense that I could grow in a healthy non-judgemental environment. It is sad to me that it is so hard to find a church community like this. I know that I am not a perfect Christian nor would I ever claim that this is possible. I have however found a good balance for me where I believe whole-heartedly in God and am able to grow each day in my walk with Him and not feel ashamed by questions that creep in.

The way that Rachel Evans described her journey was very similar to mine. I connected to her experiences on so many levels as if I had written the book myself. It was very refreshing to talk about the human struggles during life and how faith factors into it all. It was a realistic look at Christianity, the acceptance, and the evolution of yourself and society.

Our little trio had a lot of really thought-provoking discussions as we each looked at our our own situations and how our faith was infused into our relationships, jobs, political affiliations, life circumstances, etc.

I think there is a shift in our society about Christianity. Unfortunately, I do believe that many people (especially young people) drift away from Christianity and their spirituality because they are not allowed to have questions or spark up discussions that are against the words of the Bible. For example, I think we can all agree that slavery is wrong, and at some point we all had to put aside that the Bible talks about the governing rules of slavery and know that this is context from the times. Things have to evolve otherwise I would have been traded for goods in my marriage. Why can’t we have honest and open discussions about all faucets of the Bible and faith? It is in these discussions that people can share their experiences and feel valued. You learn through these debates and can grown more through understanding different view points.

Now don’t take that as I don’t believe in the Bible, because I very much do. It provides me guidance daily, and I find comfort in the Word. But I also believe that it is ok and healthy to ask questions or say, “How can this be?” or “I don’t understand where this is coming from.” I feel that through these questions you learn perspective and have a deeper understanding of what the Word is trying to say.

The thing that resonated with me most while going through this book is that in our society there is this over arching idea that there is one way that Christianity should look. However, one of my biggest questions is why is that? None of our lives or experiences are the same. We all look, feel, react differently. So wouldn’t it make sense for our faith to look a little different too? Sure we can share some ideals and practices, but how we ended up there is going to be totally different. None of us will see everything the same exact way.

It is what makes us unique.

And I finally have gotten to a point where I am ok with my faith being uniquely mine. There was a time that I felt like I needed to fit into this cookie cutter way of being a Christian, almost like being part of the popular crowd. I didn’t want to stick out and not be “normal.” But what we often forget is that Jesus was never considered normal. He rubbed a lot of people the wrong way with his thoughts on love and caring for others. Why do we insist now to put ourselves into a box to all be the same?

Which brings me to the cornerstone of my faith which is love and being as human as possible with all that we meet. It is only then that I feel we can actually have our faith be infectious and live on as I believe God would want.

But again, these are all my thoughts. I would love to hear yours.

This is a great read that will spark questions and make you go through a wave of emotions. Not only is the content great, which I usually see myself reading faster, but the chapters are fairly short anyway and are broken up nicely. It didn’t hurt that when she wrote this book, she was around my age, and a lot of the stories she used I had my own personal context of “where I was” in those moments. Especially with a topic so personal as faith, I like when an author makes me feel like we are at a coffee shop talking to each other, and that is exactly what she did. She infused a lot of humor into her personal anecdotes that keep you connected to her life story. It is never condescending, but always engaging and heartfelt in her process. She brings Christianity down to a personal level and encourages you to examine your own biases and how you arrived to where you are. I highly recommend it for any devotional group or for a personal read, although I do think having the group discussions was an added bonus for my personal reflections. I also don’t think you have to be a Christian to read it. She explores so many different topics and history lessons that I feel that anyone can read this and gain some take aways.