Author: Stephanie

Year 13
by

Year 13

Today is our anniversary.

When you get married, you are full of excitement. There is nothing but celebration around you. You are looking towards your future and you tend to focus on the happiness that is before you. You think about the mundane routines that you will experience together. You dream of the family you are going to make. You think about the LIFE you will have together.

What I didn’t realize 13 years ago when we high-fived our I dos, is how much we were choosing a partner to navigate death with. I mean I imagined growing old with Tom, as I sing the Adam Sandler song from The Wedding Singer. So it seems obvious that when you say “till death do us part” that was part of the deal.

However it feels different when you start navigating that stage of life.

Tom has an illness that will be with him the rest of his life, and can cause life-threatening situations. We have been searching for the past couple years for the right diagnosis as we hone in on different symptoms. He has seen a sharp decline over the past 6 months, but especially over the last few. We are looking at a long road to maintain positive health, but there are still a lot of unanswered questions. Our life lately has been trips to the hospital, surgeries, biopsies, scans, and a carousel of doctors.

I didn’t imagine to be talking about end of life plans this early in our marriage, but here we are.

It is in these moments that I find that I am blessed to be in this marriage. I could easily say “why us?” or think about life if it went a different direction for us. But then I wouldn’t have this marriage as it is, and all that it has given us despite our current valley.

This marriage has taught me about unwavering love.

This marriage has taught me the value of partnership.

This marriage has humbled me.

This marriage made me a mom.

This marriage has given me everything.

Our wedding verse is a constant comfort for me in this time.

It is often in the valleys where we are stripped to our core and made to learn about ourselves and life.

I am constantly learning about compassion as I watch him be in constant pain. Tom has always been the strongest person I know, and it can be easy for me to just expect the same since life is moving around us like everything is normal. I have needed to slow down and be there for him in new ways and try to understand what new support looks like.

Kindness in a marriage should be a given, but it can be hard when the stress is piling up. It can be hard on a relationship to go through any hard time, but even more so when health is affected. Tom feels helpless because this illness has him knocked down, and I feel helpless to fix any of his ailments so I am trying to keep everything else afloat. But that can make it easy for us to be stressed around each other, and it has been a good reminder for us to be kind in the simplest of terms.

Everything about this year has brought us to our knees and humbled us in ways that we didn’t even think was possible. It has made us be vulnerable in new ways as we continue to grow together. As we have humbled ourselves, we have been able to share more depth about each other and our hopes and fears.

When you are dealing with the hardship of life, being gentle is a weird concept. You’re kind of like an eggshell yourself never quite knowing what will break you. You don’t want people to pity you, but at the same time it can be a large weight to bear. You try to make yourself stronger than maybe you really are to just make it day to day. I am reminded of the extraordinary gift of gentleness that we can offer each other in our marriage. Our world is often filled with chaos and noise, the soft touch of gentleness has the power to soothe our souls, nurture our bond, and create a sanctuary of love and understanding between us.

Patience. Deep down, I am not a patient person. I get anxious waiting on others and want to know what is happening so I can prepare. Being a mom definitely has tested me in that, but so has being married to Tom in everyway. He walks boldly in life, and that can be a wild ride for this anxious heart. He joined the Army, became a police officer, and now has this unknown illness that makes me stop in my tracks daily. I have to be ok with waiting a lot in this life. I pray that God grants me the strength to persevere in times of trial, to remain steadfast in times of uncertainty, and to hold onto hope in times of despair. In my moments of impatience and frustration, I have to ask for help to cultivate a spirit of calmness, understanding, and perseverance, even in the face of these challenges and uncertainties.

There is nothing like facing death that makes you realize holding grudges or bad feelings does no one any good. One of the most remarkable aspects of forgiveness is its ability to bring about profound healing and transformation. By choosing to forgive, we free ourselves from the chains of bitterness and resentment, allowing us to experience inner peace. We quite frankly don’t have time to be mad at each other, so it has been really healing to just let things go and return to love.

Because above all else is love. Love is what got us started. Love built this family. Love is our foundation. Love ties us together.

While this year has been full of strife, it has also brought us immeasurable peace as we both have grown in our faith in God. Everything about this has been scary and unknown, but we have put our trust in God to pull us through this. We have been telling each other that God has something in store for us with everything that is happening. We may not know what that is, but we have found peace that this is the life He chose for us and there is purpose in that. We have had to learn to trust in His divine timing.

And for all of this I am thankful. I am thankful that we started dating 17 years ago during our summer jobs at Worlds of Fun. I am thankful that Tom asked to be tied together 14 years ago on the shores of Savannah, GA. And I am thankful that we chose to navigate life together 13 years ago when we got married.

I am thankful for everything because even in the hard, there has been so so much good. And I wouldn’t change anything about that, so I will take all of this hard now knowing we have more laughs and good to experience.

Happy anniversary, love.

Daphne Year Seven
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Daphne Year Seven

This sweet girl of ours is turning seven today. As I look back on the last year, she has grown so much. I am so proud of who she is becoming.

In honor of year lucky seven, here are seven things I love about Daphne Christine.

She has an incredible ability to tune into other people’s needs. She is so observant to how people are feeling and their interests. She picks up so easily how to fill other people’s cup. Her kindness shines through how she cares for other people and making their day is her specialty. She really pays attention to make sure people feel seen and taken care of.

    She loves to learn. She is always asking questions and trying to piece together explanations. Her reading level has skyrocketed this year. We cannot keep enough books around her that she hasn’t read. And she loves sharing what she has learned. She is always sharing facts and stories of things she has picked up. And it is like a glow coming off her when she is soaking in or sharing information.

    Her imagination is magical. She can concoct these fantastical worlds around her in such great detail. She easily slips into play, and it is so fun to see her weave stories together. The creativity that pours out of her never ceases to amaze me.

    Her deep belly laughs are like medicine to your soul. She giggles with her whole body, and it warms my whole being to be in her joyful presence.

    Her attention to detail is unmatched. She has always been particular to even the smallest point. When she was little she use to make these maps that were so intricate. Now she does it as she creates different stations and organization in her room. She plans things out to the most miniscule detail with great thought and attention. And if you get her started talking about fairies or Pokemon, get ready for an insane amount of detail that you never knew existed.

    Her fierce love for her brothers is one of my favorite things about her. She corrals them with such tenacity. She is always wanting to keep up with George, and loves to dive into his interests to gain connection. And she is ever Wally’s protector and is the Wally whisperer. She is the perfect sister to them both. She can weave between their ages effortlessly and gives each of them what they need. She loves being a sister and will always be the bond that keeps this sibling trio in balance.

    Her determination and strong-will is unmatched. While she can be cautious to start new things, once she has her mind set she is unstoppable. She can hold fast like no one I have ever seen.

      She is my little mini-me, and I can’t wait to see how she moves through life. I pray every day that she leans into her kindness, strength, and positivity. My hope is that her journey is filled with joy, learning, and countless blessings. May she grow into a compassionate, resilient, and confident individual, shining bright with her unique gifts. Happy birthday my dearest daughter, and may this special day be filled with love, surprises, and obviously McDonald’s. Here’s to another year of growth, adventure, and beautiful memories ahead!

      Mother’s Day
      by

      Mother’s Day

      As a kid, there were two things that I thought were going to happen for me when I grew up: become a mom and have more control over my life.

      Well one of those things happened.

      I love being a mom, but the biggest lesson I have learned after almost a decade of motherhood, is that I have to give over the control for happiness and to be truly present.

      Before becoming a mom, I knew that our schedules would change. I knew that there were parts of their growing up that would be out of our hands. You know the big stuff. I can’t control when they get sick or what their interests may be.

      But I never thought to think about the mundane day to day things that would make me feel out of control and have to remember that I prayed for this life.

      Over the years there are definitely things that pain me to watch and parts of me cringe not being able put order into little moments. Losing control is part of motherhood, and it is perfectly ok to feel crazy about it sometimes. I have had to normalize this feeling over the years because there are times that I felt like I was losing my my mind because things were not happening in a certain way. Motherhood is anything but control, and we are often just living on a hope and a prayer.

      My house is in a different state of chaos at all times.

      There are cardboard structures and blanket forts as permanent decorations. There are toys everywhere, and it looks like I am running a daycare in my living room.

      But this is also where their imagination soars, and I know there is so much that comes from feeling safe to do this kind of play in all spaces of our house. I don’t want to stifle this childhood because I need things to be presentable. I want them to remember all the exploring and creating they were able to do in our house. I don’t want them to be “bedroom” kids and think that is the only space in the house that is theirs. While there is some truth to that, I love that you see marks of their childhood throughout the house.

      Our dining room table is more of a dump area than a community space.

      But this is also where everyone can shed the weight of work and school before they step into the rest of the house. I want them to feel the comfort of our home and for it to be lived in because well, we live here. And honestly having this right off our entry way makes our lives easier to just dump things and know the things we need to leave the house are piled here.

      I thought that because Tom and I were good eaters, that we would be able to role model eating a wide array of foods. So when all three of them have been picky over the years, I feel at a loss on how to make sure they are getting what they need. I always thought that you eat what you get would be a good enough stance to just work.

      But then I realize that if I have to buy the 40 piece nugget option at McDonald’s to make some nights easier because one child will only eat this type of chicken, then so be it. I will take back some control in that way and just accept the boujeeness of it all. While I can control what is on their plate, I cannot control what they choose to actually eat off that plate. I want them to learn how to speak about food in a healthy way and me losing a little control by not requiring clean plates actually lets them create healthy relationships with food.

      Unfortunately the things that makes me lose my marbles the most is how my children approach their clothing. It is like nails on a chalkboard watching them put outfits together with mismatched patterns and colors. And I struggle that no one seems to catch on how to organize a closet around here.

      However, I love to see their faces when they are so proud of the outfit they put together. I wish I had the confidence that they have when I was going through school. Also I have to realize that everyone has their own organization style and at least they are getting their clothes to their closet. Ownership here doesn’t have to be about my ownership, but how they learn to move through the world.

      I guess in a sense then, I really do have control. Control to understand when to put boundaries around my own peace and give in to letting them have theirs. I do get to control the type of motherhood I do want to embrace. Sometimes I do organize their closets for my own satisfaction, but most days I will myself to let it go. And while there are times I wish our house was cleaner or that we didn’t have to cater to so many different eating preferences, I also wouldn’t trade this life for anything. I get to lean into the chaos of it all. At the end of the day, I know that I don’t have to control everything in motherhood. And honestly, I think that is some of the beauty of it. The lesson has been knowing when to give some of the control to them in order for them grow. And it has been magical to be part of it all with them.

      by

      In Pursuit

      Anyone who is close to us knows that this last year has been lots of ugly words. Tom’s health has been a rollercoaster. He stood up to a corrupt city and lost his dream job because of it. Now we are in a lawsuit with the city we live in which comes with so many twists and turns and loneliness. My job has been constantly changing over the last year, and we have had to withstand many hard decisions as higher ed is in a turbulent time. Needless to say we are tired and it could be easy to lose faith in it all.

      But as the year turned over to 2024, I was determined to take back my faith. I wanted to really lean in, and I will admit for mostly selfish reasons. I was lost and sad and felt like there was no good around us. It was a dark place for us. So I started trying to listen more to God and trying not to get ahead of his plans and try to reason with all the heartache that seemed to just fester and multiply around us. I thought what was the worst that was going to happen if I just let go of the controls and really trusted God, but that meant I needed to pursue him more.

      I believe that your testimony is ongoing. At least it has been for me. I have had moments in my life where I have gone up and around my relationship with God. I have had periods in my life were I didn’t feel like I needed to depend on him as much, sometimes because things were going great, and other times because my timing didn’t seem to align with His and I thought I was just seeing disappointment so what was the point if I didn’t seem taken care of.

      But this year after experiencing our trials, again maybe for selfish reasons, I thought what have I got to lose getting to know my God more fully and deeply. So this year, I am determined to pursue that relationship more.

      I had a desire to become more grounded in my faith and be able to truly let go of what I thought my path was. Healthy souls will be unhealthy if left unattended, and here I was with a unhealthy soul already. I knew I needed to change my routine and immerse myself in the Word differently. We go to church and I listened to a Christian podcast as I got ready every, but what I was doing outside of that in action was so inconsistent. People were just talking at me about faith. I wasn’t really bringing other things to the table to learn and get involved with it. I didn’t pray daily, my bible had a layer of dust on it, and my bible app would send me into guilt every day with it’s notifications that I would quickly swipe to ignore as I never seemed to have “time” to open it. I had let my relationship with God be more of an acquaintance. I believed in God, but I needed to spend time getting to KNOW God.

      So to start off the year, I did the Forty Forty challenge. I needed a way to stay accountable to carving out time each day. I love a good accountability challenge, so this seemed right up my alley to help with my habits changing. This challenge is doing a mile a day for 40 days, but that mile is where you intentionally connect with God by listening to bible verses, devotionals, prayer, or worship music. I did a little of it all. I chose a 40 day devotional in my app. Then I would listen to the Let’s Read the Gospels podcast (highly recommend). And then to round out my mile, I would end on one or two praise worship songs.

      The way my mind shifted over those 40 days still gives my goosebumps. I have kept this routine pretty steady after that 40 days ended. My life is still hard, but I found ending my day connecting with God and praising him changed my reactions. I was brought to my knees on more than one occasions because of the perfect timing of a verse that connected with an action earlier in the day. It helped me release tension as I danced in praise. I could feel fear of the unknown just wash away.

      Now did it stay away, oh heavens no. My anxiety is still very much present, and there are days/weeks were it gripped me hard. I am human and still lost sight of things often when I felt like I was losing control and thought my path was not going the way I had planned. I cried why me/us or why not me in other situations an embarrassing amount of times. However, what I noticed is that if I would just change the input of the Word in those moments, I would find a different peace. Whereas before I may have looked for answers, I was now finding peace even in the absence of answers. My faith is growing, and what I put myself in contact with, I will catch.

      I still want to be in control and know what is up ahead. I don’t think that will ever change due to my personality. But what I have learned over the past few months is that faith can give me some control too. I know that I don’t have to know what is coming, but I do know that God has me.

      2024 has been humbling. I know I am still broken and still struggle. However, I have been reminded over these months that brokenness is a requirement for salvation. If you look throughout the Bible, there are so many examples of Jesus reaching out to broken people or God using broken people for big things. God desires to take what is broken and redeem us. He is always pointing us to the cross and the redemption he has given us. Our pastor shared a lot of good nuggets over the past few months that have really encouraged me to write again here. He talked about if you put pottery back together after being broken and hold it up to a light after being restored, light will shine through. Let that sink in. We can be fully broken and our lives torn to pieces, but His redeeming Grace can still let light shine through us and our life on Earth.

      So this year has been terrible to us, and there are many days I can’t think of nice things to say. But if you can’t think of anything nice to say, talk about your hope in Christ. So that is what I showed up today doing. I hope that the light is able to shine through my brokenness. I am trying really hard to know and accept my imperfections for His Perfect Plan. If you allow God to walk into our darkest valleys, He will make it holy in ways we can’t make it on our own. And I am learning to trust more in that than to believe in what I think my life should be.

      He’s got this.

      Walter Turns Three
      by

      Walter Turns Three

      When we started planning for our last pregnancy, the reasoning I kept coming back to is “our table didn’t seem full.” I just knew there was something missing from our family being complete.

      Enters this little wild spirit.

      Three years ago, he took a hold of my heart and filled the last spot at our table.

      Wally is the best little balance in our family.

      He is so joyful and appreciative of every moment. He fills the room with “this is amazing” and “wow” and just takes his environment in for what it is. Seeing life through his eyes is pretty awesome and a good reminder of how precious everything really is.

      He is the smartest three year old you will ever meet. He keeps up in conversation with us and his vocabulary and usage will blow you away. He loves reading and trying to keep up with his siblings all day will do that I guess. He is like a sponge when it comes to new information.

      He is our carefree child. He is up for literally anything. He is going to be our adventurer, the one who lives life to the fullest. He does not worry about bodily injury or what he is actually getting himself into, he is just ready to try anything. It is beautiful to watch his confidence and how he is so sure of everything.

      Walter is such a little actor and knows how to work a room even at his young age. He has never met a stranger. He will befriend anyone and bring you along for the ride. He is such a bright and bubbly little dude.

      It may be him being three and learning his boundaries, but I think he is just a confident person in the making. If he does not want to do something, he will kindly say “No thank you,” and then continue doing what he wants to do. I love that for him and his grown up self that he can stand firm in his boundaries.

      One of my greatest joys though is watching Wally with his brother and sister. He ADORES them. He is their biggest fan, and their little shadow. I had doubts about George and Wally sharing a room with a six year difference, but Wally is thriving being a big kid with George. Much to our chagrin sometimes, he wants to be doing everything that our nine year old is doing including climbing to the top bunk every night unsupervised. It is a like a slumber PARTY every night. He is up for any pretend play that Daphne comes up with, and she can soothe him in a way no one else can. I can hardly put into words the emotions I have watching them together.

      Wally, you are everything our family needed. You are the greatest little bookend. This year you officially entered the big kid stage. While I am sad that I no longer rock you to sleep, I am so excited to see where you jump to next. Watching you explore is so magical and keeps us moving!

      Happy birthday my forever baby guy!