Year 13

Today is our anniversary.

When you get married, you are full of excitement. There is nothing but celebration around you. You are looking towards your future and you tend to focus on the happiness that is before you. You think about the mundane routines that you will experience together. You dream of the family you are going to make. You think about the LIFE you will have together.

What I didn’t realize 13 years ago when we high-fived our I dos, is how much we were choosing a partner to navigate death with. I mean I imagined growing old with Tom, as I sing the Adam Sandler song from The Wedding Singer. So it seems obvious that when you say “till death do us part” that was part of the deal.

However it feels different when you start navigating that stage of life.

Tom has an illness that will be with him the rest of his life, and can cause life-threatening situations. We have been searching for the past couple years for the right diagnosis as we hone in on different symptoms. He has seen a sharp decline over the past 6 months, but especially over the last few. We are looking at a long road to maintain positive health, but there are still a lot of unanswered questions. Our life lately has been trips to the hospital, surgeries, biopsies, scans, and a carousel of doctors.

I didn’t imagine to be talking about end of life plans this early in our marriage, but here we are.

It is in these moments that I find that I am blessed to be in this marriage. I could easily say “why us?” or think about life if it went a different direction for us. But then I wouldn’t have this marriage as it is, and all that it has given us despite our current valley.

This marriage has taught me about unwavering love.

This marriage has taught me the value of partnership.

This marriage has humbled me.

This marriage made me a mom.

This marriage has given me everything.

Our wedding verse is a constant comfort for me in this time.

It is often in the valleys where we are stripped to our core and made to learn about ourselves and life.

I am constantly learning about compassion as I watch him be in constant pain. Tom has always been the strongest person I know, and it can be easy for me to just expect the same since life is moving around us like everything is normal. I have needed to slow down and be there for him in new ways and try to understand what new support looks like.

Kindness in a marriage should be a given, but it can be hard when the stress is piling up. It can be hard on a relationship to go through any hard time, but even more so when health is affected. Tom feels helpless because this illness has him knocked down, and I feel helpless to fix any of his ailments so I am trying to keep everything else afloat. But that can make it easy for us to be stressed around each other, and it has been a good reminder for us to be kind in the simplest of terms.

Everything about this year has brought us to our knees and humbled us in ways that we didn’t even think was possible. It has made us be vulnerable in new ways as we continue to grow together. As we have humbled ourselves, we have been able to share more depth about each other and our hopes and fears.

When you are dealing with the hardship of life, being gentle is a weird concept. You’re kind of like an eggshell yourself never quite knowing what will break you. You don’t want people to pity you, but at the same time it can be a large weight to bear. You try to make yourself stronger than maybe you really are to just make it day to day. I am reminded of the extraordinary gift of gentleness that we can offer each other in our marriage. Our world is often filled with chaos and noise, the soft touch of gentleness has the power to soothe our souls, nurture our bond, and create a sanctuary of love and understanding between us.

Patience. Deep down, I am not a patient person. I get anxious waiting on others and want to know what is happening so I can prepare. Being a mom definitely has tested me in that, but so has being married to Tom in everyway. He walks boldly in life, and that can be a wild ride for this anxious heart. He joined the Army, became a police officer, and now has this unknown illness that makes me stop in my tracks daily. I have to be ok with waiting a lot in this life. I pray that God grants me the strength to persevere in times of trial, to remain steadfast in times of uncertainty, and to hold onto hope in times of despair. In my moments of impatience and frustration, I have to ask for help to cultivate a spirit of calmness, understanding, and perseverance, even in the face of these challenges and uncertainties.

There is nothing like facing death that makes you realize holding grudges or bad feelings does no one any good. One of the most remarkable aspects of forgiveness is its ability to bring about profound healing and transformation. By choosing to forgive, we free ourselves from the chains of bitterness and resentment, allowing us to experience inner peace. We quite frankly don’t have time to be mad at each other, so it has been really healing to just let things go and return to love.

Because above all else is love. Love is what got us started. Love built this family. Love is our foundation. Love ties us together.

While this year has been full of strife, it has also brought us immeasurable peace as we both have grown in our faith in God. Everything about this has been scary and unknown, but we have put our trust in God to pull us through this. We have been telling each other that God has something in store for us with everything that is happening. We may not know what that is, but we have found peace that this is the life He chose for us and there is purpose in that. We have had to learn to trust in His divine timing.

And for all of this I am thankful. I am thankful that we started dating 17 years ago during our summer jobs at Worlds of Fun. I am thankful that Tom asked to be tied together 14 years ago on the shores of Savannah, GA. And I am thankful that we chose to navigate life together 13 years ago when we got married.

I am thankful for everything because even in the hard, there has been so so much good. And I wouldn’t change anything about that, so I will take all of this hard now knowing we have more laughs and good to experience.